by Dr. Susan Block.     

The Love Train roars into March Madness, but where is it taking us? Into the madness of perma war, corporate poisons, the mounting mayhem at home, and maddeningly unjust censorship (looking at you YouTube) or the merry, trippy, holiday-horny, revolutionary, madcap March Hare madness that takes us through the Tunnel of Love, from the dark, murderous, money-crazed, cop-and-bot-controlled, sex buzz-killing Capitalocene into the light of the peaceful, sexy, lefty, female-empowered, male-nurtured, pussy-cookie-eating goodness of the Bonobocene?

Then again, maybe all this March Madness is just another hoop fest. Not big sports fans, Capt’n Max and I are mad about Women’s Month, Sex Worker’s Day and Purim (the Jewish Halloween of masks, wine and hamantaschen, aka Pussy Cookies)—all of which are related as Purim is the only Jewish holiday centered around a woman who also happens to be a high-end (royal), high-risk (execution looms) sex worker.

Speaking of “Da Jews,” we commend the current protests in Israel—the biggest demonstrations ever of Israelis against their own increasingly fascist government. Scary but necessary, these protests are mostly against Binyamin Netanyahu’s yahoo government and brazen judicial coup, but it’s good to see a few brave Jews for Palestine in the crowds and many more marching in solidarity with Huwara (the Palestinian town recently attacked by paramilitary Zionist settlers), carrying signs saying “Palestinian Lives Matter.”

Our Callin callers are less interested in Israel’s Mad March to Justice than in Pussy Cookies, and who can blame them? Callin regular Brady calls in for an explanation and, after a bit of teasing (Esther’s signature style), I give my Purimschpiel, that is, I tell my quickie version of the Story of Purim, the Feast of Queen Esther, the teenage beauty contest winner who stops a genocide with nothing but her Weapons of Mass Seduction.

Warning: This is not your Bubbe’s Purim. In my midrash (Biblical interpretation), the lovely young Esther (Hebrew name: Hadassah) is brought before the Persian King Ahasuerus (probably based on the historic King Xerxes) by her “Pimpin’ Cousin Mordecai” (my name for him), a “righteous man,” as the Bible says, who virtually pimps out his cousin to a lecherous, alcoholic and volatile King—though “payment” isn’t made until the payoff at the story’s climax. As the tall tale unfolds, through alternately teasing and pleasing the king (and his long phallic scepter), Esther wins his fickle favor as he grants her bold request to spare her people (Da Jews!) from annihilation.  In a time when power was almost always gained through brute force and cold gold—a time much like our own—this was, and still is, a human miracle. Yes, Esther Shtups for peace, which is, of course, very bonoboesque. And you can get more complete, dramatic, erotic-exotic, masked and wild Purimschpiels at our Purim Bacchanal, Purim Masquerade, Queen Esther Commedia Erotica, Porny Purim, Porny Purim with DAD and Purim Rising.

Most Jewish holidays have a special, symbolic food and on Purim, we eat hamantaschen, triangular pastries that I learned in Sunday school were shaped like the hat of Haman, the king’s advisor and the chief villain of the story—kind of an ancient Persian Hitler or Nick Fuentes—who draws up the Jewish genocide plan. Even though I’m a hat fetishist, I always thought that was a rather pat and silly, not to mention unappetizing explanation. Then, a few years ago, at one of my earlier Purim orgies, in between bites of hamantasch (singular for hamantaschen) and licks of a female guest’s lovely labia, I had an epiphany that hamantaschen have nothing to do with hats, but are really shaped like an open vulva, complete with a jelly or cherry-filled vagina hole in the middle.

So, since hardly anyone besides traditional Jews and Germans can pronounce “hamantaschen,” I started calling them “pussy cookies.” I believe that these iconic Purim pastries honor “the power of the pussy” and the triumph of Queen Esther. In a violent patriarchal world that more often exhibits contempt for that which is feminine and “soft,” they symbolize love and respect for strong female power, and in these crazy times marked by mass murder and perma-war, the “pussy cookie” message of peace through pleasure is more vital than ever.

See why I call Hamantaschen “Pussy Cookies”?

Brady agrees, and probes even deeper into pussy power—including Redwings “magic” and Red Hot Chili Peppers’ “Blood Sugar Sex Magik”—painkiller orgasms (my kind of natural “sex magic”), and once again, the prickly topic of circumcision rears its sensitive head.

As we extol Queen Esther’s striptease and belly dancing abilities,

Shardoll calls in to ask if belly dancing—for which he seems to have a fetish—should be considered sex work or fun for the whole family? Answer: Kind of like Drag, it depends on many factors, from style to venue, outfit to audience.

Kdot chimes in on the Purim story with his more traditional, somewhat patriarchal view, which is good for balance, but it’s Women’s Month, so my sex-positive, female-empowering pussy cookies get more airtime.  

For Women’s Month, we honor Erin Brockovich, the sexy environmentalist now organizing East Palestine residents to challenge Norfolk Southern railway for poisoning their town, whom Ohio police now claim has potential for “special interest terrorism”—more unwarranted criminalizing, censoring and termination of Free Speech. Having been called “the Erin Brockovitch of the Bonobos” in Salon (thanks Deirdre Guthrie),  have special fondness for her, and we’re on the Love Train here, so we’re sensitive to train trouble. We also shoutout another interesting woman running for President: Marianne Williamson.

Disturbing news: Apparently the “cop orgies” we applauded a few weeks ago were not not consensual, says former officer Maegan Hill, the young female cop at the center of the scandal. It’s terrible, but when we talked about the story, all the news outlets implied it was all consensual. Interestingly, that was the last YouTube show we posted before we got terminated, “Cop Orgies & Toxic Royalty.” Did YouTube bots consider our discussion of this news story to be “harassment,” even though we were just commenting on news stories about Maegan Hill, a public figure? Unless it was the Royal Family that complained that we harassed them by calling them “toxic royalty.” It could be so many things—or nothing at all! Talk about maddening. The Mad March Hare has nothing on YouTube censor bots (though “March Madness” was stolen from Lewis Carroll by college basketball).

In the last few minutes, Marco, aka Socialist Pizza, calls in to talk about bonobos, our common ancestors living in trees, polyamory and lube.

If you missed my State of the Sexual Union 2023 live (and unless you live in New England, you probably did), catch it now. And thanks for the nice review, Xbiz!

And did I mention that the way to many a woman’s heart is through her feet?

For Women’s Month, treat a woman who’d appreciate it to a foot massage… even if that woman is YOU!

© March 4,  2023 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 626-461-5950.