It’s a cross between a School Play, a Porn Movie and a Commedia dell’Arte improv. I’d done some planning, but the best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned, at least not here at the Speakeasy. So 30 minutes before showtime, I throw together a totally impromptu, somewhat bewildered, but extremely hot cast of Biblical characters from my regular Speakeasy crowd. Using as many of my directorial-magical-bossy-bitch powers as I can muster, I chat up, inspire, stimulate, lubricate, push, pull and prod my stars into their roles in this ancient tale of sex, seduction, intrigue, decadence, drunkenness, power-playing and near-annihilation, with costumes by Gene, inspiration from God, and lubrication from the Goddess of Love.

Amber Mercedes makes a ravishingly slinky Queen Esther, her lithe little body lapdancing all over the King, alternately teasing and pleasing him, using her seductive powers to save her people from genocide. J is a fabulous King Ahaseurus, reminding the Speakeasy Congregation of a buff Yul Bryner in “The King and I,” delivering lines like “I need a virgin!” with supreme exotically-accented conviction, wielding his dildo-scepter with royal aplomb, then tossing it aside to get his own well-hung scepter expertly sucked by in-house Harem Girl Lydia Teez. King J also demonstrates his prodigious royal appetites by gobbling up a beaming, pierced young Harem Girl named Barbara, only pausing every so often to say, “She’s so sweet.”

AVN Hall of Famer and AIN columnist Lynn LeMay is stunning as Vashti, King Ahasuerus’ first Queen who refuses to dance naked for her horny hubby and his drunken court. In the Bible, the King punishes Vashti by ordering her to “come no more before him,” which most midrashim interpret as meaning she’s executed. This ain’t no snuff film, so instead of executing our Vashti, we strip her naked and Bondage Master Dave, as the Executioner, ties her glorious super-stacked *Bod for Sin* on the Bondage Cross. Russ, as the Guard, also naked except for a studded leather belt, does the stripping and whipping. Later (exhibiting Stockholm Syndrome?), we find Russ and Lynn making teasing, lust-filled love on the Sick Kitty Spanking Bench, in the harem and on the Love Rocker. Naughty Queen Vashti is Resurrected as a Goddess of Sex!

Playing Mordecai, Esther’s cousin – or as I call him “Pimpin’ Cousin Mordecai” because he’s the one who enters Esther into the King’s Virgin Contest – DJ Adam Wiggins is coolly hot in his goatee, leathers and my Ronald Reagan Stetson. While the King is busy getting licked and sucked by various Harem Girls, Esther and Mordecai play kissin’ cousins in the court. Every good Bible story has a villain, and Chris makes a fine Purim Congregational Scapegoat in the character of Haman the Agagite, the evil prince who plots to kill Mordecai, Esther and all the Jews in Ahasuerus’ kingdom. Everybody loves to hate the nasty, hapless Haman, and all the Brothers & Sisters of the Speakeasy Congregation crank their groggers, bang their drums (with expert drumming provided by T7), and generally boo and shout whenever his name is uttered.. Besides repeating his own name (“Hey, Man!”), our Haman’s favorite part seems to be taking his final punishment when Executioness Mistress Crystal ties him to the Cross and whacks the bejesus out of his naked ass, giving him a scepter as hard as the King’s. This is how Capital Punishment should be.

More fabulous topless Harem Girls — Ginny May, a slender 19-year-old lovely from the nearby kingdom of Las Vegas, and Megan Jones, a voluptuous 20-year-old, nipple-pierced beauty from the distant land of Miami, join the harem courtesy of Mikey & Mandy (aka “Ghostbusters” and “Twins” Producer Michael Gross and former SDS Doyenne Roberta Morgan) whose Second Anniversary we are celebrating along with Purim. Happy Porny-Horny 2nd Anniversary! Mikey & Mandy are the greatest.

I must confess that I tricked Juliano of Juliano’s Raw Foods in Santa Monica into volunteering to play a eunuch, or actually several eunuchs, by saying “Who wants to hang with the Harem Girls?” The suave Santa Monica restauranteur performs the role of the eunuch(s) with bravery and style, and no, we didn’t slice Juliano’s cucumber (though that is, of course, what they do to eunuchs in the Bible). Ably assisting me with mikes and plates of dates and hamantaschen is our sultry-eyed American Julie, also celebrating her graduation from ICT College (Mazel Tov and High Fives, Julie!), especially when she gets down in the harem with Carrie. The Harem Girls multiply as dozens of dazzling Speakeasy Sisters, each very sexy in her own way, slink in and out of the harem beds. There are too many beauties to describe – including our Kim, a flash from the amazing Annie Body and many pretty new faces whose names I don’t know – so you just have to watch the stream to see them.

At our story’s climax — just after Esther seduces the King into reversing the Genocide Edict, and Pimpin’ Cousin Mordecai triumphs over Evil Haman — the King and the half-naked Harem Girls smack Gene’s Piñata (finally!), and out shoots a sparkling ejaculation of Mardi Gras beads, Chinese aphrodisiacs, candy, condoms and packets of lube. Then the whole Speakeasy turns into a Harem, and all the guys are King and Righteous Pimps, and all the ladies are Queen Esther, as we dance to the Middle Eastern funk mixes of DJ Phil Dog, drink Agavero, eat humus and hamantaschen, make friends, make love, tie people up, whip, whack, spank, celebrate, fornicate, graduate, educate, and vow to spread peace through pleasure via the Bonobo Way in our crazy, wartorn times.

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, I also have my share of sexual fun in honor of Queen Esther, my favorite Biblical manifestations of the Goddesses Venus, Aphrodite, Ishtar, Inanna and Sophia, and if you’d like to know with whom, you’ll just have to watch the video stream. My ultimate orgasm of the night is, of course, with my H, and no, that’s not on the stream. Happy Purim! Drop Bras, Not Bombs.