Labia Day 2018
Length 01:50:04 Date: September 1st, 2018
Happy Labia Day!
Just in case you don’t know, “Labia Day” is our name for Labor Day or more specifically, the Saturday before Labor Day.
Why Labia Day?
Four lusty Labia Days ago, I felt my usual Labor Day melancholy that’s afflicted me since I was a child reluctantly growing up in Philadelphia and then as a young lady laboriously pursuing her “higher” education at Yale. In those bygone days, the first Monday of September always marked the close of another balmy, relatively carefree, clothes-free summer, with “labor”—which for me meant school, work, winter, constant colds and heavy, down-filled parkas—looming ominously and stressfully ahead.
A few years after graduation, I moved to Southern California, the land of endless summer, but Labor Day remains bittersweet. Like any public holiday, Labor Day’s as good an excuse as any to break out the booze and BBQs, but the whole “labor” theme never seems to be a genuine celebration of “We the People,” the 99%, the real workers—and that includes sex workers.
In reality, Labor Day is more of a paltry pacifier thrown like a scrap to a starved dog from the obscenely overstocked banquet table of the .001%—the owners, greedy oligarchs and ridiculously overpaid corporate CEOs. It’s one measly Monday where we theoretically don’t have to labor for The Man, but are expected to consume high-calorie processed foods from company stores like Walmart, watch military-style parades and endure boring, hypocritical speeches from corrupt politicians of various denominations.
Not that capitalism takes a holiday, nor does corporate greed. On the contrary, to fully exploit the large numbers of non-laboring laborers (a.k.a., potential customers), “Labor Day” is a huge retail sale weekend. Thus, ironically, many laborers employed in the retail sector—which makes up over 24% of all U.S. jobs, more than half of whom are filled by women—not only have to labor on Labor Day, but they tend to work longer hours.
Now with the Trumpus in office, it’s worse than ever for people who engage in actual “labor.” Labor unions are being phased out, one conservative Supreme Court ruling at a time. The stock market might be high, but the benefits don’t “trickle down” to most working people without 401(k)s, let alone to those who are out of work, or who don’t have real jobs or benefits, but seem to labor longer hours than ever for Uber, Amazon or “self-employment” in the 24/7 digital economy that never stops demanding our labor.
And what about sex workers? Sex workers are workers, as the Trumpus well knows, having paid for—and “paid off”—quite a few, the most famous being our favorite American hero-of-the-moment, Stormy Daniels. But do we celebrate sex workers on Labor Day? No, of course not. Heaven forfend!
Fed up with the old Labor Day matrix, I decided to read between the lines—and lips—to find a similar, onomatopoetic, but far more suitable and bonoboësque name for this early September day off from the daily grind.
Thus, Labor Day has become Labia Day… or actually, the Saturday before Labor Day is Labia Day. You all can gorge on phallically shaped grilled meat parts and buy a bunch of plastic with plastic on Monday, but give the Saturday before up to Pussy Power please.
Now in its fourth great year, this provocative, female-empowered and sex-educational new holiday has blossomed like a brilliant Georgia O’Keeffe flower in the verdant Garden of Bonoboville, celebrating and exploring those ubiquitous but mysterious and always absolutely fabulous, fleshy doors to female pleasure and wonder that we call labia, the Latin word for “lips.”
Interestingly enough, this includes “labor” at its most basic, as a lady’s nether lips “go into labor,” along with the rest of her reproductive system, if and when she gives birth.
Whether you have labia or you like labia or you’re just “labia-curious,” Labia Day is for you.
As for me, I’ve never looked forward to that pivotal first weekend of September as much as I do now that Bonoboville observes #LabiaDay.
Labia Day celebrates LIFE
After all, the labia are the doors to life.
Sure, there’s in-vitro fertilization (IVF), but most human life is conceived when something—usually a penis or the IVF equivalent of a turkey baster—goes through the labia, the doors of sex, pleasure, pain, power, procreation and recreation.
If perchance the sperm fertilizes the egg within, about nine months later, the labia become the doors of birth. Though these days, many babies are born via Caesarian or “C-section” —sometimes to save the mother or baby’s life (as in my own case), but mostly because it’s more convenient for the doctor with the added benefit to the hospital of adding a hefty extra charge to your bill—your natural way into this whacky world we call home is through the labial gateway.
Used far more often for recreation than procreation, the labia are the doors to the playground within—every woman’s personal Womb Room.
Anatomically speaking, every woman, including post-op transwomen, has two sets of labia, the labia majora or outer lips and the labia minora or inner lips. The labia majora are usually bigger and naturally covered with pubic hair, though in many women, the labia minora are larger and fleshier than the labia majora.
At the peak of these four luscious labia is the crowning jewel of female sensation, the clitoris or “clit,” the most sensitive part of a woman’s body, with over eight thousand nerve endings, that has no function whatsoever except to receive pleasure.
We adore us some clitoris!
As I pointed out on my first HBO show, the labia are the doors to a woman’s pleasure, and the clitoris is the doorbell. A gentleman never enters a lady’s pleasure palace without first ringing her doorbell.
Gently please, and it never hurts to add a little lube. When it comes to real estate, the three most important factors are: “location, location, location.” When it comes to labia pleasure, they’re “lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.” I recommend Cannabelly cannabis-infused coconut oil if you’re not using latex.
Every woman’s two sets of labia are different, just as our clits, tits, feet, faces and other body parts are as different as snowflakes.
And yet, you could say, that some labia are sexier than others, at least in the eyes or to the touch or taste of the beholder.
So I’m delighted to have two smart and stunning young ladies with lovely lips—above and below—organic blonde bombshell Riley Reyes and adorable brunette Eva Yi, both of whom happen to be porn stars, along with my perky new assistant Blossom Green (whose very name conjures the image of a woman’s labia opening up and flowering into pleasure) join me in my Womb Room, opening up their labia, as well as their hearts and minds, for lucky us on Labia Day.
PHOTOS: JUX LII
It’s such a special day, we try to keep the Pussygrabber-in-Chief out of it, letting our plush dick doll effigy of the big narcissistic crybaby sit in a corner of the bed, gagged with a penis pacifier.
Unfortunately, the Trumposity’s big orange over-fed face peaks out from over my guests’ sexy shoulders fairly often. Well, the self-confessed pussygrabber could use some lessons in ladyhood and ladies’ hoods.
Moreover, this particular Trump effigy has no hands, not even tiny ones, so he can’t actually grab any pussies.
“Most Bonobo” Riley Reyes
My initial meeting with Riley was in the midst of the madness of Capt’n Max’s and my wild bacchanalian 24th Wedding Anniversary, but she stood out in the crowd, a great beauty among a bevy of beauties. When she returned to DrSuzy.Tv for our 2017 Masturbation Month Kick-Off and Trump’s Worst First 100 Days, she really wowed the Womb Room with her striptease, lapdancing and amazing insertion of the entire head of a Hitachi Magic Wand between her labia and into her vagina. Talk about talented labia!
All of this while simultaneously and quite articulately naming and describing the different parts of her anatomy, as well as how they feel and function. Her professorial demeanor was perfect for my other guests that night who happened to be student editors and writers of UCLA’s Satyr Magazine. We also beat and pegged a human Trump surrogate on that show, with Riley leading the charge.
With Labia Day 2018 coming around, I naturally thought of Riley and her gorgeous, generous, exhibitionistic, educated and educational netherlips. I knew she’d be the perfect individual—body, mind and bonobo spirit—with whom to honor our special, but still relatively new holiday.
PHOTOS: JUX LII
Of course, I’ve invited Riley back several times before, but this very in-demand and popular porn star (who just made a new adult film with “Blacked Raw”) has been very busy (though we did hook up with her at AdultCon).
I guess it was Labia Day destiny that she could make it to this show to share her labial charms and carnal knowledge with the faithful here in the Womb Room sanctuary of the Little Love Church of Bonoboville.
Dressed like she’s going to yoga class, albeit a very hot yoga class, Riley’s baby blue crop top keeps riding up over her delectable natural boobs, a provocative bruise flowering just to the left of her right nipple, the after-effects of a recent martial arts workout.
Meanwhile, her hot pink bottoms keep coming down to reveal her lovely labia, the outer lips of which are lushly un-landscaped, a nice natural and full, dirty blonde “bush.”
Push, push, in the bush, baby (with thanks to the Musique of my misbegotten youth).
And Riley does push into her bush. Maybe not as deep as some of the phallic giants she’s been having sex with and not as wide as that Hitachi head, but still pretty damn deep and wide.
First, she applies a little Navy lube. Yes Riley’s “naturally wet,” but lube is labia (and clitty) love.
Riley just did a scene with the Jesus Jackhammer dildo, which we usually keep nestled between the labia of our Wondrous Vulva Puppet designed by Dorrie Lane, but she’s not interested in a repeat with Jesus or his Divine Interventions brother, the Buddha dong.
When I show her my Buck Angel signature sword dildo, her blue eyes light up like she’s just met her future husband.
Made entirely of glass, unlike latex or rubber, the Buck Angel sword dildo needs no condom. Nevertheless, it’s been laying on the set unused for a while, so I send Blossom off to give it a rinse before pointing it at Riley’s labia.
I’m not sure if Blossom also gave it a test-run between rinses in the restroom—and I wouldn’t blame her if she did—but she brings it back sparkling clean and ready for battle.
This is the kind of sword I like, a bonobo sword for making love, not war.
Plus it’s got bumps!
It’s designer, Buck Angel, being a “pre-op” trans man, is a man with labia.
So, it’s not only women who have labia. Trans men like Buck do too. On “regular” guys, the corresponding part to the labia are the testicles.
Back to Riley who educates and stimulates everybody in the Womb Room and, I’m sure, the multitudes watching DrSuzy.Tv as she penetrates her labial doors with Buck’s angelic glass sword and appears to have a fantastic, deep orgasm.
Praise be the power and glory of labia! Amen and AWOMEN.
Then she unsheathes the sword and licks it clean of her cum juice, her tongue blue as the lollipop she’s been sucking.
What a marvelous, award-winning, performance demonstration.
The Miseducation of Eva Yi
She was dressed like a schoolgirl then, and she is again, albeit in an entirely different outfit.
This one is red and black plaid and stripes, with red-rimmed sunglasses on her head and clear black-rims on her pixie nose.
We’re beginning to think that Eva Yi has a schoolgirl fetish, or just likes to arouse that interest in others. She certainly arouses it in everyone in the Womb Room.
For Labia Day, Eva’s a French schoolgirl with a friendly, Frenchy “Bonjour” emblazoned above her left breast.
Eva’s schoolgirl roleplay is perfect for this show as, in between scenes of hot masturbatory action, I teach my “class” about the anatomy, folklore, truths and “fake news” about labia and other aspects of female sexuality.
While Riley is the essence of grace and poise, little Eva possesses a rather different kind of appeal. She calls herself “awkward.” We say she’s adorable.
Her labia are as different from Riley’s as her personality, pretty and petite, naturally brunette and shaved bald as a baby.
In spite of or perhaps because of that, our two porno gals seem to find each other very attractive as the show continues.
But first Eva introduces us to her labia and the treasures they guard or impart, depending on who’s trying to get in.
“Some guys just push their way in like they’re looking for car keys,” she complains sweetly and quite accurately describing how some lovers, especially of the male gender, grossly mishandle the labia as well as what lies within.
Not that we can blame guys who aren’t exactly taught how to handle a lady’s labia in business school or via video games. Maybe at band camp.
That’s one reason we celebrate Labia Day—for the labial sexual education of the all.
Speaking of education, school is where Eva learned most about her labia. Not that she took a course in the subject, and there certainly weren’t any (if you recall from her first appearance, she went to Catholic school) in the curriculum.
But Eva was a sexually precocious young lady, though she didn’t masturbate much at home where, she says, she was too “lazy.”
In school, however, she was just so incredibly bored, she took to squeezing and opening her labia and kegel muscles to the point of giving herself orgasms.
It does make you wonder how many people in the doctor’s waiting room, in line at the post office, flying coach or sitting in boring classrooms are quietly having hands-free orgasms. Hopefully lots.
Eva Yi certainly did in those dull, anti-sex Catholic classrooms. She didn’t even have to take her Catholic schoolgirl skirt off for that, though she does take it off for us to the catchy tune of Carmina Formosa’s “The Kinkster,” famously inspired by The Bonobo Way.
It’s a pretty complicated “skort” type skirt with built-in shorts (mischievous little Eva would wear something difficult like that on Labia Day), but she manages to get it off, as we “get off” on watching her.
Underneath are delectable red panties. Then we get to the meat of the matter: Eva Labia. Sounds like a naughty operetta.
Her labia certainly are something to sing about, especially as she manipulates them in her fun fingerless leather gloves, combining the innocent schoolgirl look with a certain motorcycle moll menace and BDSM chic that’s altogether disarming.
We love us some Eva Yi.
This is “Pussy Talk” at its finest and perfect for Labia Day. Pussy Talk, the vagina loquens or “talking vagina,” is actually a tradition in literature and art dating back to ancient times involving vaginas, vulvas, pussies, cunts, vajayjays (or whatever you like to call women’s genitalia) talking, usually thanks to some sort of magic charm.
In Pussy Talk, the labia or lower lips operate like our upper lips, spilling the secrets that lie simmering within. Though they might emit sounds (pussy farts, anyone?), the words actually come from the labia owner’s upper lips. As for the content of the pussy’s conversation, in folklore and in this show, it’s mostly about sex, of course.
Sex education, entertainment, communication, celebration, stimulation—all of that and more.
PHOTOS: JUX LII
For higher sex education and entertainment, we present the elegant and amusing Pussy Pipe, hand-carved from an assortment of fine rare woods by Speakeasy Gallery artist Bill Pacak.
The clitoris and inner labia can be removed from the outer labia and “smoked” like a pipe. In fact, it is a pipe, though I haven’t used it as such, not wanting to burn and soil its smooth wooden beauty… not yet. It’s a Labor of Love.
Also in the realm of “Pussy Talk” is a fairly new book called Pussy: A Reclamation, by Regena Thomashauer, aka Mama Gena, a veritable women’s Bible of stories, info, advice, empowerment and lots of labia love. Nothing about bonobos unfortunately, who also have sensitive labia and sisterly solidarity. Mama Gena’s got a great gig going in the world of “womanly arts,” but methinks she needs to “go bonobos”…
I read “Pussy” partly because it was lent to me by Kriztina, a caretaker for mentally challenged children and a friend of Ikkor the Wolf, who came to last week’s show and told me she’d be back for Labia Day to discuss it’s impact upon her and her pussy.
Yes, this is a serious New York Times bestseller with the word “PUSSY” emblazoned in gold on its front cover. Well, we have Facebook—which does not let you show pussy—so why not Pussybook? Why not indeed…
Pussy’s impact on Kriztina reminds me of my own reaction to reading Betty Dodson’s “Sex for One” originally titled “Liberating Masturbation” which literally taught me how to masturbate to orgasm. Later I met Betty (who also wrote Orgasms for Two and a fabulous memoir) and we became friends, but our first connection was through her first book guiding me to discover the pleasure and power of my labia, as well as my clitoris and other ladyparts.
I was about nineteen at the time, same age Eva Yi is now, and with a lot less sex educational material at my disposal. Women’s pleasure is partly instinctual, and sometimes delicious things “just happen,” but very often we need to learn about how bodies work, along with our erotic potential and our sexual limits.
Mama Gena’s “Pussy” gives great guidance to a new generation of women discovering their sexual potential. I was looking forward to discussing its impact on the woman who lent it to me and we even gabbed about it on the phone the night before, but then on Labia Day itself, Kriztina “calls in sick” and can’t come to the show. Hangover? Cold feet? Nervous labia? Who knows…
Ikkor gives us the news and sits in on our Pussy Talk for a while. What straight man wouldn’t (probably quite a few, actually)?
Of course, he has no labia of his own, but being a “ladies’ man,” Ikkor’s also a labia man.
Or maybe he just likes his labia doggie-style.
Blossom doesn’t show her labia either. It’s not a show assistant job requirement, though it does get some of us to wondering whether or not she has any… Just kidding, Blossom! On display or under cover, we love you and your labia.
Later, Ikkor sings “She Bad,” as we all get up and twerk our twats out, both with and without pants and skirts, celebrating Labia Day in all its shaved and unshaved, erotic, educational glory.
PHOTOS: JUX LII
You could say that Ikkor’s rap is a serenade to a lady’s labia.
At least, that’s the way it feels on Labia Day.
In the last chorus, we throw up the “L” sign.
Nevertheless, Ikkor hasn’t read Mama Gena’s Pussy: A Reclamation. Having no one on the show to discuss it with but myself, I talk about it a lot less than I’d been planning on with Kriztina. Well, the best-laid plans may not get your laid the way you planned.
Though I can’t say this particular Pussy book changed my life (the only thing that really dramatically “changed my life” was marrying Capt’n Max) like she says it changed hers, I did learn a few interesting new things from reading it, including a twist on one of my favorite Greek myths about love, laughter… and labia.
Baubo Bonobo’s Labia Day
The ancient Greek myth of Persephone, which I call the “Resurrection of Persephone,” is the timeless tale of a Spring rebirth very much like the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, except instead of a monotheistic Holy Son, the ingenue star of this scene is a polytheistic Holy Daughter.
The Holy Mother of the tale is Demeter (Ceres to the Romans), Goddess of Agriculture, whose beautiful young daughter Persephone (called Proserpina by the Romans) is out with her girlfriends picking flowers (labia are everywhere!) in a field, when suddenly Demeter’s Bad Boy Brother Hades (Pluto to the Romans), Lord of the Dead, rides up in his black chariot, grabs and “ravishes” the fair young maiden, then takes her down to his realm in the “underworld,” refusing to bring her back to the surface of the Earth.
Mama Demeter is devastated by her loss. In these days before #MeToo, there wasn’t much a woman who was raped by her uncle could do about it. Demeter appeals to her other brother Zeus (Jupiter), King of Heaven, but he refuses to meddle in matters of patriarchal woman-poaching.
Despondent, Demeter lets the Earth, which before this, had always been fair-weathered, turn into a brutal, unending, cold and desolate winter, with forests, crops, animals and everything else dying, all thanks to the Earth Goddess’ deep depression.
Not caring about the cruel world, Demeter is said to have dragged herself to a place called Eleusis, later the site of the Eleusinian Mysteries, inhabited by an old “crone” goddess named Baubo. The ancient Greek Goddess of Mirth, Baubo is very bonobo. She offered Demeter beer and food, but the Earth Goddess refused to eat. Insulted and instigated, Baubo Bonobo abruptly lifted up her skirt and showed her pussy, opening her labia to Demeter and wouldn’t you know it, this act of “flashing” brought Demeter out of her funk, whereupon she laughed heartily, despite herself, then drank the beer, ate the food, thereby gathering the strength to petition her macho brother Zeus once more for her darling daughter’s return. After resolving the question of six pomegranate seeds, Demeter and Zeus reached a workable compromise whereupon Persephone would spend six months of the year down under with Hades (“she likes those bad boys,” points out Ikkor) and six with her mother on Earth. Spring is the season when the Holy Daughter soars up from the depths of Hell to the open arms of her Earth Mother who is so delighted to see the Fruit of Her Loins that she showers the world in Spring.
By the way, this “myth” happens to precede the Easter Resurrection of Jesus, the Son ascending to his Holy Father in Heaven, by several hundred years.
I’ve been studying and retelling it for several decades, but I never knew the part about Bauba showing her pussy until I read Mama Gena’s Pussy book and then looked it up to find that lo and behold, the Internet agrees.
Apparently, Baubo Bonobo’s Labia Day saved the Earth from permanent winter.
Let’s hope she can do it again now!
Riley’s also quite familiar with the tale of Persephone, but never with the Baubo pussy flash. Thank you for that, Mama Gena.
It’s fun to think of Baubo as I show off my “mature” labia, along with the young ‘uns showing theirs. Our pussies represent the three stages of womanhood: the maiden, the woman in her prime and crone.
And it’s good to tell Baubo’s story on Labia Day, the end of summer, as Persephone is getting ready to leave again for Hades.
Better get out of those fall-down doldrums and show, touch, lick, suck, fuck or at least look some PUSSY on Labia Day, or any day you can.
The labia are the gateway to pleasure, to creation and recreation, even a kind of paradise. When streaming with semen, they are truly the Pearly Gates (I use a strand of pearls dripping from the Vulva Puppet to demo this). But these gates are just to the “Little Death,” not the big one. Not many die inside a vagina. The Vagina Dentata is just another hot myth… unless you hang out with vengeful chicks who stuff razor blades in their pussies—ouch!
That’s rare, but maybe more common a thing to find in there than car keys.
We also talk about the intriguing Sheela na gigs, rather outrageous-looking Irish Medieval gargoyles, often positioned over the doors of churches that show old women stretching open their labia with their bony hands. It’s uncertain what their purpose was; some experts say to ward off evil. Or maybe, like Baubo, to make you laugh? I tend to side with those who speculate that they are a vestige of goddess worship, and these wise old crones are opening up their labia to the Womb Room sanctuaries of yesteryear.
And we give a hat tip and labia squeeze to Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues, late great Good Vibrations founder Joani Blank and so many more through the ages, bringing women and men who love women together through pussy.
Closing the Labia on Another Great Night in the Womb Room
Before we can say “open sesame,” it’s time to close the show.
PHOTOS: JUX LII
I’m not feeling too energetic, one reason I deliver this spanking from a chair.
Or maybe I’m just “lazy” like Eva Yi.
But yes, my little asthma attacks are coming back. The doctor says I’m not the only one gasping for breath from all the toxic California fire smoke in the air.
Global warming and herbicides have found their insidious way into my lungs.
It was so bad Saturday morning, I almost canceled the live broadcast. But “the show must go on,” I wasn’t contagious, and I was looking forward to Labia Day, so I soldiered through the preparations, then the Pussy Power kicked in.
Thanks to my awesome guests and the power of Labia Day, it’s a great show, though you can hear me getting winded, especially towards the end.
Don’t be scared. I’m still alive. For now.
We also get a surprise Labia Day visit from erstwhile sex therapist and show guest Aaliyah Corsets and her new friend Jackie. Speaking of the mysteries that might lie behind the labial doors, they can be dazzling diamonds or real monstrosities, like the cyst that Aaliyah just had removed. She showed me a photo. Yikes. No worries, I won’t show you. More important, the operation was a success and, even with no makeup and no corset, she looks great and healthy, and at least now I know where this “prodigal daughter” of mine has been.
She promises to come back in full makeup, a tutu and, of course, a new corset for her Speakeasy Journal spanking.
Meantime, we enjoy a hot Labia Day’s night in the twinkling Garden of Bonoboville with an assortment of kinksters and hangers-on before the Captain and I rise up like Jesus and Persephone to our private heaven upstairs.
At first, I’m so damn winded, I just lie there, immobilized by the toxins that are destroying me, destroying all of us, sooner rather than later.
But not yet! Not now. Gradually, the pussy power of Labia Day courses through me.
Also, there’s no doubt that looking at all those other luscious labia hardens the Captain’s resolve.
Pretty soon he’s plunging his sparkling sword through my Pearly Gates, just two old gargoyles making hot labial love.
Happy Labia Day, the Bonobo Way, and to all a great Fall.
Stay moist, and don’t forget to beat Trump in the voting booth!
© Sept. 1, 2018. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.
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