Lost in the (rather blurry) Love Zone. Photo: Harry Sapien. Lap Dog: Chico.

by Dr. Susan Block.

Opening up our spectacular new Womb Room in the little Love Church of the Bonobo Way in the village of Bonoboville, Capt’n Max and I are back in the sack, celebrating three decades of lawfully-wedded love and sex-revolutionary marriage from our new broadcast bed.

Yes, indeed, as the Arcadia Politburo Kangaroo Court tries to repress our right to lie down, we are cranking up the Mattress Madness for fun, fairness and First Amendment rights.

Hallelujah. Praise the bed!

Amen and Awomen. Your bed is a magic carpet into your dreams.

You can do a lot on a bed, even while you’re awake, as we demonstrate on this Bedside Chat, chatting away, testing old and new equipment, ranting, reminiscing, researching , taking selfies, making out, smoking, drinking, horsing around, showing off our April 12, 1992 Wedding Album, reading old diaries, singing old songs, gossiping about silly celebrities, protesting the war(s), goosing each other, welcoming the anniversary cake (though we don’t actually eat it in bed), playing with the dog and more making out… all in bed!

We don’t even get to the sleeping part. Though, since we’re on the F.D.R. radio Love Train, you could say we’re in the Sleeper Car. Choo-choo! Have bed will travel…

30 Years of Pearly Pleasure

True to our motto of making love first in order to make love last—for at least 30 years—we kick off our long anniversary weekend with a little lovemaking, aka sex.

I know, it’s “just sex,” but it’s an essential aspect of keeping lust and trust alive in long-term marriage. It doesn’t have to involve intercourse, though it’s great when it does. But don’t be one of those couples that puts off lovemaking until after you’ve engaged in hours of activity, eating, drinking and smoking that makes you too tired and bloated to have any kind of sex at all. Worse yet, you could have a fight—even a little one—and then not be “in the mood,” wasting this chance to celebrate your love in this inimitable, physical way. The older you get, the truer this is. So, have sex first (if you want to make love last), and then, if you feel like it, you can always do it again… and again (and yes, we did).

Head Over Heels in My “Love Me – Kiss Me – Marry Me” Seamed Thigh Highs Leaning Back on Pr. Max, Passed Out in Pleasure after Gifting Me a Pearl Necklace for Our 30 Wedding Anniversary. Photo: Selfie.

Capt’n Max shoots blessed blanks, so no pearl necklaces—at least not the ejaculatory kind—this orgasmic morning.

However, both the Captain and I are decked out in oodles of real and fake pearl necklaces, strands, earrings, belly chains and bracelets, pearls of wisdom, purity and pure silliness, the pearl being the sexy symbol of the 30^th Wedding Anniversary, lust plus trust, crystalized into a shining little ball of beauty within the 30-year marriage oyster.

Hot & Crazy Celebrity Couples

Besides celebrating our own pretty damn amazing marriage, we talk about other people’s marriages. Not that ours is perfect—as anyone who listens to this show (or any of our shows), can tell—but some of these celebrity couplings that our mainstream media parades before us are horrific *role models.* No wonder marriage is going out of style!

Max makes fun of me for Bedside-Chatting about celebrities (what’s long-term love without a little good-natured mutual mockery?), but I find their dirty laundry often makes good reference points for sex education.

So yes, of course, we wind up talking about The Slap. Who isn’t?

What is the real crime here? Hollywood-—always embedded with (aka, in bed with) the U.S. Military—poisoning our souls for profit with violence, violence, violence in the movies, TV, the internet and now even on the Academy stage.

I’ll let others argue about whether or not Will Smith slowly striding up to the Oscars stage and sucker-smacking the much-shorter Chris Rock “makes black people look bad.”

I will say it makes kinky people look bad, since everyone knows about the kinky “Red Table Talk” lifestyle of Fresh Prince Will and his wife, Jada Pinkett-Smith… or, as Max now calls her, “the bald one,” since Will’s slap has brought her alopecia—and bitchiness—to the attention of the entire world. Yes, Will and Jada engage in some level of sexual openness, polyamory, cuckolding and/or pansexual “entanglements,” and there are good ways—even great ways—to do all of that, but not this way.

And no, it’s not comparable to other crimes allegedly committed by Oscar winners like Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein etc., because they didn’t do their dirty deeds on the Academy stage like Will did. So, folks who glibly compare that stuff are just distracting attention from the real crime here.

What is the real crime here? Hollywood-—always embedded with (aka, in bed with) the U.S. Military—poisoning our souls for profit with violence, violence, violence in the movies, TV, the internet and now even on the Academy stage.

Hey, in Hollywood, attention equals money, and The Slap did grab our attention.

So does sex, of course. Remember Janet Jackson‘s Superbowl 2004 Nipplegate or the Madonna/Britney Spears kiss at the 2003 MTV-VMAs?

Roleplaying the 2003 MTV-VMA Awards with Me as Madonna and Max as Britney Spears. Photo: Harry Sapien

But sex is denigrated by Hollywood and most of modern capitalist society, while violence and war are elevated and even eroticized. It’s what we now call “ammosexual.”

Speaking of crazy couples, Will and Jada’s relationship’s toxic influence on society is nothing compared to the destructive effects of U.S. Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and his wife, Ginni Thomas, organizer and patron of the MAGAt Rape of the Capitol.

At least, the recent wedding of Julian Assange to the lovely mother of his two children gives those of us who care about Freedom of Speech a little inspiration. Now give the bride the only gift she really wants and give the groom his freedom: FREE JULIAN ASSANGE now! 

The freedom-fighting never ends. Neither does the lovemaking. Maybe when you pass thirty years and counting, that’s what keeps you going strong… and sexy.

Here’s to another deliciously dirty thirty! Meanwhile, enjoy our long-term love as we share it with you (we’re exhibitionist/voyeurs that way)—as we always have and will continue to share it with you.

Caring and sharing (with or without the 30-year-old ring) lust and trust; it’s the Bonobo Way.

Post-30^th Anni Addendum

The Bedside Chat (#27) was fun, but our actual anniversary was a blast and a half, taking us right back into the blissful, magical Love Zone.

Masked Up Old Young-at-Heart Married People at Le Meridian (and yes, my mask appears to be jauntily upside down) overlooking the lovely hillside parking lot. Photo: Selfie

It was the same “Love Zone” I wrote about being “lost” in on the first page of the diary Max gave me just before we got married.  

Turns out we still haven’t found our way out of it… exactly 30 years—and approximately 10,000 orgasms—later.

Not that we’ve ever tried to find our way out. Who wants to leave the Love Zone? Though sometimes, something—a conflict or misunderstanding—flips us out, though we always bounce back in, and our 30^th turned out to be a big bounce!

Watch Our Throwback: 26th Wedding Anniversary Bacchanal

Since we’re still Covid-wary (everybody’s blithely maskless these days, but half of D.C. just tested positive!), we didn’t want to be around other humans. This narrows the possibilities for celebration. We decided to make a quickie hotel “getaway”—standard fare for anniversary couples. We are one of the least standard couples I know, but times are tough, so “standard” sounds awesome.

Hope ya’ll didn’t go looking for us at the Bonaventure like we talk about on this show, because we opted for something closer to Bonoboville: the brand new and boldly mediocre “Mid-Century” Le Meridian McHotel.

With the hallway door opening right into our “private” bathroom and hardly any humans around to help with anything—Le Meridian was certainly not ideal for a pleasurable trip, let alone a special occasion, like a 30^th wedding anniversary.

However, as Capt’n Max often says, the ideal is the enemy of the real.

And if your head’s in the clouds of your misty ideals, you may not see what’s wondrously real, even if it’s right in front of you.

The reality is that perfection doesn’t make you happy, and imperfection is a hotbed for multiple joys.

And the reality was that the two of us had a great anniversary at our mediocre hotel, one of our greatest anniversaries ever, with some of our biggest orgasms, funniest moments, most interesting conversations, least amount of conflict and deepest proclamations of adoration.

After all, when it comes to anniversary getaways, it’s not about where you’re staying; it’s who you’re staying with.

Though, as the notorious Bed Bandita of Arcadia, I must say the Meridian mattress was awesome.

Also, the exhibitionism-friendly window plan is lots of kinky fun (the lucky voyeur in the window across the way got a good eyeful of our orgasms), and no props to Putin, but the Moscow Mules were delicious!

30th Wedding Anniversary Photo Gallery

“30th Wedding Anniversary” Transcript

Dr SUZY
Brothers and sisters… Lovers and sinners… Artists and exhibitionists… Voyeurs and connoisseurs… All you children of sex! And we are all children of sex. I want to welcome you to the new Womb Room Sanctuary in the Church of the Bonobo Way, in the village of Bonoboville. And actually, it’s a mobile unit. This is FDR, meaning “Fuck Da Rich” and/or Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and we are in the sleeper car.

MAX
It’s our own sleeper car.

Dr SUZY
For our 30th wedding anniversary!

MAX
Yay! Yay! Yay!

CREW
Whoohoo!

Dr SUZY
Us being Prince MAXimilian Rudolph Leblovic di Lobkowicz di Filangieri, and you, and me, your Love Doctor, your Mother Confessor, your Daughter of the American Revelation, your Horny Housewife…

MAX
Celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary.

Dr SUZY
30 years of lust with trust. – whoa, such a balancing act! And love, of course, lots of love, romance and revolution!

MAX
Also, a little sex.

Dr SUZY
Also, a little sex, yes.

MAX
Sex is important.

Dr SUZY
Like we had this morning.

MAX
Yeah, we had sex this morning.

Dr SUZY
We did. And you know it’s the beginning of our 30th wedding anniversary season. Well, actually the season began about a month ago, but it’s the beginning of the weekend which will mount to a crescendo on the actual date…

MAX
Oh! Oh! Oh!

Dr SUZY
April 12th! That is, April 12th, 1992, was the actual magical date. And here’s the wedding album. It says Susan and Michael.

MAX
Michael?

Dr SUZY
And you’re probably wondering why.

MAX
Who is Michael?

Dr SUZY
You.

MAX
Oh yeah, it is me. That’s who I was in the old days.

Dr SUZY
Yes, though you had a lot of names in those days.

MAX
Yeah, well, you know you gotta move quickly.

Dr SUZY
Maximilian, Mickey, Michael, Massimilliano…

MAX
Michael.

Dr SUZY
So, my mother liked Michael, and she was the one that created the wedding album.

MAX
My first two mother in-laws hated me.

Dr SUZY
Well, my mother loved you.

MAX
Your mother loved me.

Dr SUZY
Yes, here’s my Mom.

MAX
“Oh Max, he’s such a nice boy.”

Dr SUZY
And Mom made sure that she’s the first one in the book.

MAX
Apparently, she edited the book.

Dr SUZY
Well, she paid the photographer.

There she is with my dearly departed cousin Jeffrey, and there I am with my brother who is still alive and kicking, my brother Steve, who gave you your pearls. Actually, he gave them to me, but you’re wearing them.

MAX
He didn’t give him to me.

Dr SUZY
Oh, come on, you guys are in touch with your feminine side.

MAX
Let me get in touch with my feminine side. Here- let me touch a female.

Dr SUZY
Yeah, baby! Steve also gave me these pearls.

MAX
Oh, yeah.

Dr SUZY
I’ve got a lot of pearls on.

MAX
He’s a pearly guy. 

Dr SUZY
Well, he is.

MAX
Shooting off his pearls.

Dr SUZY
Actually, he does like pearls. But why are WE wearing so many pearls? You might wonder. And there’s also the precious pearl of the luscious oyster. You know what that means.

MAX
Oh, baby woo.

Dr SUZY
Little Miss Clitty. Or you could say the pearl is the G-spot, depending on how you feel. It’s definitely something female that’s hot, sexy, and that’s very precious… And that happens to be the symbol of the 30th wedding anniversary.

MAX
Right. Yes, yeah, yes, yes.

Dr SUZY
The Pearl, it’s also the name of a magazine that we published. And The Pearl is the name of an even older magazine, a Victorian magazine of erotica.

MAX
Yes, the Pearl, right.

Dr SUZY
The Pearl, right, right, right.

MAX
So, one of the things about the magazine, the Pearl that we published- it was a one issue.

Dr SUZY
Right?

MAX
And very short.

Dr SUZY
It was.

MAX
But it was very nice.

Dr SUZY
It was very nice. It’s very elegant. We’ll have to find it. Yeah, we have so many archives of publications and situations.

MAX
Ha ha ha.

Dr SUZY
But 30 years! You’re gonna have a lot of stuff. And the art, oh my goddess, we’re looking at a lot of it now because we’re redecorating a bit because Vice is coming to film us.

MAX
Yeah, we can show some of the art. You can show some art there.

Dr SUZY
Yes, some of it is showable.

MAX
Is it? Look at that.

Dr SUZY
I guess it’s technically. It all is art.

MAX
Yeah, that’s showable.

Dr SUZY
That’s a painting by Scott Siedman, a beautiful Saint rising to heaven, her heart opening like a vulva.

MAX
Don’t show that. And then yeah.

Dr SUZY
And what right? And there’s my shoes and Marilyn.

MAX
Marilyn, you can. You can. Look at Marilyn.

Dr SUZY
And there’s the San Diego Zoo bonobo, and a classic picture from our wedding, and yes, Dragonsteel’s bonobos.

MAX
Dragonsteel gave us those guys. Dragonsteel we love you.

Dr SUZY
He gave us those bonobos.

MAX
Yeah, such a nice man. Yeah, yeah.

Dr SUZY
These bonobos are dressed like us, me with the hat and sunglasses.

MAX
They dress a little weird like we do, and that’s quite alright.

Dr SUZY
And you with a captain’s hat, and it’s very cute.

MAX
And that’s what we’re here for: To say you can be a little different if you’re too different, then you might get killed.

Dr SUZY
You get a kilt? Is that like wearing a short skirt when you’re a guy? When you’re a little different, you get to wear a kilt?

MAX
Yeah, they give you a kilt. Forget the killing part, right.

Dr SUZY
Speaking of skirts, do you remember this skirt that I’m wearing?

MAX
Oh, do I remember that!

Dr SUZY
Well, it’s actually a part of a skirt.

MAX
It’s got my stains on it.

Dr SUZY
Yeah, right! Haha. Although we cleaned it. But this skirt was from our courting days.

MAX
From our courting days.

Dr SUZY
Before we got married, when we went to Barnaby’s Hotel.

MAX
Barnaby’s!

Dr SUZY
So, I wore this Victorian skirt in our Victorian room to be very seductive and teasing, although I didn’t tease long before we were in bed. It was a great anti-war romance.

MAX
The hard nippies.

Dr SUZY
And whoops.

MAX
That’s OK.

Dr SUZY
1991 January.

MAX
Down in Hermosa Beach somewhere.

Dr SUZY
Yeah, these headsets are kind of weird.

MAX
Yeah, you have to be very careful you can’t move your head too fast.

Dr SUZY
No, it’s just that we’re doing this show in the bed.

MAX
Choo choo.

Dr SUZY
We’re in the sleeper car. It’s our 30th wedding anniversary.

Look at this huge train, speaking of trains… I wore quite a bridal gown train. A wedding is the only place you can wear a train like that, except the Oscars if you’re Jada Pinkett Smith, and then you can wear a long green train, green with envy for your own husband’s success.

MAX
My grandfather, my grandfather used to collect train cars.

Dr SUZY
There you go.

MAX
He had three of them. He had a dining car, a sleeper car and a salon car, OK? Take that Musk.

Dr SUZY
All I had was a skirt.

MAX
Oh hey, that’s good.

Dr SUZY
It was a bridal train!

MAX
That’s good.

Dr SUZY
And this is a replica of the crystal oyster with the pearl that you got me when you were courting me.

MAX
Say something further.

Dr SUZY
And little did we know.

MAX
Where did I get that? I got that at that famous Rexall drugstore at Beverly. The artist was famous. A lot of people got discovered there. They never discovered me or uncovered me.

Umm, many people in the 50s and 60s, the producers used to go there to the to their ice sort of ice cream.

What do they call those? In the old days, soda fountains. And they would pick up beautiful women, women that came and then they will go, “I am going to make you a star. Please come by tonight to my house and you will be the latest sensation in the nation. If I could only do touchy, touchy that would help your career darling.”

Dr SUZY
I don’t think this was that drug store though.

MAX
Oh, it wasn’t, oh that was the one on Sunset.

Dr SUZY
So, this was the Rexall drugstore by the Beverly Center?

MAX
That was called… Right, but there was one on Sunset.

Dr SUZY
Right, I don’t remember the name of it, but that’s where the Hollywood stars got discovered, right? I could look it up.

MAX
You can if you want to.

Dr SUZY
Except I don’t want to.

MAX
Okay.

Dr SUZY
Maybe someone could look it up for me.

MAX
Do any of you out do any of you know out there what the name of this fucking store was?

Dr SUZY
Well, anyway, Janelle Hopkins on Instagram says, “Happy anniversary, and “Wow, I remember when you showed me your gorgeous dress before your wedding,” she says.

Yeah, this is the dress, and Janelle is one of the few people I still know that saw this dress before my wedding.

Dr SUZY
And now here she is on Instagram. “You two look as in love now as you were back then,” she writes.

MAX
We’re always in love, falling in love. One of the great secrets of life is falling in love every moment, especially when you have a beautiful wife who is smarter than you.

Dr SUZY
Gotta do it.

MAX
Then you gotta fall in love.  When you’ve got someone like, then you have to fall in love all the time, which I do anyway, because I
see her in the morning when she gets up and she has her back towards me, and I see her, the beautiful structure of her back. And that my friend sees her, that other guy that I live with.

Dr SUZY
Yes, I’ve noticed that there are back stalkers in our bedroom.

MAX
Yes no, no, no.

Dr SUZY
When I bare my back, I can feel their eyes on me, staring at my sexy shoulder blades.

MAX
But then I fall in love again.

Dr SUZY
Oh yes.

MAX
You fall in love. You keep falling in love. And yeah, that’s nice.

Dr SUZY
You gotta make it happen, baby.

MAX
Also, when you’re in love, there’s like some good sex sex, sex sex.

Dr SUZY
Sexxx… We are all Children of Sex with a capital X! Can I get an Amen?

MAX
Amen!

Dr SUZY
We have a very intimate gathering here.

MAX
Well, we’re in, you know we’re in a motorhome, no?

Dr SUZY
Can I get an Awomen?

MAX & Crew
Awomen!

Dr SUZY
Hey, that’s a little better now.

MAX
Yes, yes.

Dr SUZY
We’ve got a bit of a crew, a very crew… with hopefully no flu.

MAX
Who? Oh yeah.

Dr SUZY
So we are keeping our distance, we got our boosters, and it is still a little risky.

MAX
We’re keeping our distance?

Dr SUZY
Well from people, right?

MAX
Oh yeah.

Dr SUZY
But we’re going to go somewhere on Monday, as our anniversary unfolds.

MAX
Yeah, and if you want to join us you can rent some rooms.

Dr SUZY
Are we going to say where we’re going?

MAX
Yeah, sure we’re going.

Dr SUZY
We think we’re going to this great old hotel.

MAX
We’re going.

Dr SUZY
It’s gigantic, so it’s OK if you go. It’s called the…

MAX
Bonaventure.

Dr SUZY
There you go, Bonaventure.

MAX
It’s actually one of the most extraordinary, beautiful cement. Buildings with round staircases and round rooms and round restaurants, and it’s also.

Dr SUZY
Yes, restaurants in the round.

MAX
It’s also known as one of the great hotels for exhibitionism.

Dr SUZY
Like an oyster opening up showing off her Pearl.

MAX
Because the two towers or the three towers. Face each other and people leave the windows open now. Don’t don’t get all freaked out down there, Bonaventure! You’ve got a great hotel going and architecturally an architectural jewel, you know? And we’re coming to stay there this weekend and. Maybe you could give us a room or something.

Maybe a suite because we have lots of friends. It’s a great hotel if you come to Los Angeles, there’s all kinds of hotels.

What are you doing?

Dr SUZY
I was looking for my Marilyn style sunglasses, they’re in the bed somewhere.

MAX
We’ll be right back as soon as she finds them.

Dr SUZY
I can’t find them.

MAX
Don’t sit on him, there goes your headset.

Dr SUZY
There goes my hat. OK, well if anybody can look for them.

MAX
These are my friends.

Dr SUZY
Now I’m sitting on your hand.

MAX
Oh no, no, no, oh, maybe.  Oh yes, you are.

Dr SUZY
I am!

MAX
You’re sitting on the pen too.

Dr SUZY
You know, people will think that was planned.

MAX
You know, we don’t. We don’t plan any of this.

Dr SUZY
No, no, but where are the sunglasses?

MAX
God forbid. All that I don’t know.

Dr SUZY
Oh, I thought you found them.

MAX
Oh no, I thought I found them.

Dr SUZY
Damn, and I thought it was all going to be worthwhile.

MAX
No no.

Dr SUZY
OK, but your is what I’m sitting on.

MAX
You asked me something else.

Dr SUZY
Well, we’ll keep going because the show must go on.

MAX
The show must go on.

Dr SUZY
So 30th wedding anniversary! The wedding ring is the kinkiest symbol of bondage, and really the most common. And the wedding ring is a band, it implies a level of ownership. It’s odd, it’s true.

MAX
You belong to me.

Dr SUZY
Yes, and responsibility, I guess, and connection (to be positive about it), but yes, some responsibility, some permanence is in the wedding ring.

And yet, when I was assaulted years ago, and my assaulter tied me up, nonconsensually hogtying me with a knife to my throat, and asked me if I minded if he took my rings, I said no, go ahead.

MAX
All right, yeah.

Dr SUZY
I said “take them,” and he did. And they were worthless.

MAX
No, it would not worthless. They were worth $13.00 at the time.

Dr SUZY
Actually, a couple hundred dollars altogether.

MAX
Well in today’s money.  It was 30 years ago.

Dr SUZY
Yeah like 25 years ago at the century Wilshire Hotel, before I got my HBO ring that is actually worth something.

MAX
Can you imagine?

Dr SUZY
But the gold wedding band is worth about $100. This one says “captain in my heart” and yours says “master in my soul.” And this is my Jux Leather finger flogger, and this is my Princess ring, because I am a Filangieri by marriage. Did you see your Filangieri cousin wished you a happy wedding or something like that?

MAX
Oh yeah, but I love this. It’s a whole new family I found yes. Found this whole family. And it’s so funny they, they’re film makers. They’re artists and photographers. They are journalists. Uh, is Giovanni and
Anna Ciao.

Dr SUZY
Ciao Giovanni and Anna, and welcome to our wedding. You know it’s funny, the 30th anniversary is like a wedding ’cause it’s the Pearl. So you wear white or pastel or ivory, and you feel like you’re having your wedding all over again.

MAX
I think I’m gonna start wearing these pearls. I like these. I think we could start a cult or something.

Dr SUZY
Right, you look good in pearls.

MAX
The Pearl cult.

Dr SUZY
Yes! Get in touch with your feminine side. My brother gave you those, my brother Steve and his sister in law, Tiya.

MAX
He gave him to you.

Dr SUZY
Well, I gave him to you, and you’re wearing them.

MAX
I’m borrowing them. They’re, they’re, really very nice.

Dr SUZY
They are grey Pearl, silver grey.

MAX
Grey pearls

Dr SUZY
And it’s Steve’s birthday. April 7th, so happy birthday, Steve!

MAX
Oh happy birthday Steve. Are these real?

Dr SUZY
They’re sort of like semi real.

MAX
They’re cultured.

Dr SUZY
Yeah, they seem like they have some culture there.

Pearls can hypnotize….

MAX
Is there someone in the studio that could get me a beer?

Dr SUZY
Oh yes, my Prince. Of course.

MAX
Yeah, it’s Saturday night.

Dr SUZY
My witness. We like to call each other witnesses to each of each other’s lives.

MAX
We are witnesses.

Dr SUZY
And I am a witness to your beer.

MAX
And I am witness to your legs.

Dr SUZY
Oh, and my garters.

MAX
The garters, yes, yes.

Dr SUZY
My garters and my Yale panties.

MAX
I don’t know how many of you listeners have been married for 30 years. But there’s something about our life in 30 years, we don’t really go to work. Well, our life is work.

Dr SUZY
We have fun with work. You try to get me to separate business and pleasure sometimes, but I can’t and I don’t.

MAX
From the emotions.

Dr SUZY
How can you separate that when you work together and live together and do everything together? We never get tired of each other, that’s for sure.

MAX
I often think we’ve been married 60 years.

Dr SUZY
Uh oh…

MAX
No, no, it’s all right so we love it.

Dr SUZY
I often think we’ve been married 30 minutes.

MAX
OK right, yeah, I know about that too. But we’ve aged fairly well.

Dr SUZY
We’ve aged a lot. But yeah, we’ve aged pretty good.

MAX
A couple of breakdowns. But you know nothing major, I mean, we’re sitting here.

Dr SUZY
I mean we are FDR, but we’re not in a wheelchair. Although you have to sit with one leg off the bed like we’re in a 1950s television show.

MAX
We’re not in a wheelchair. My legs. Need replacement, I told my doctor last time that I did need. For them to start growing me a leg.

Dr SUZY
Well, your third leg was working great this morning. And you had the other two legs right in the bed along with us, no problem. You know, it’s amazing how sex can be a great motivator for a man. For a woman, it’s okay too, and for everyone in between.

MAX
Oh yeah.

Dr SUZY
But there’s something about the testosterone and that third leg that responds to sexual stimulation and finds powers that it never knew it had, these amazing abilities, superpowers stemming from nothing but sexual desire.

And then after you come, all those superpowers are gone… for a while, but then they come back eventually… Don’t believe those people that say that you waste your seed now.

MAX
Who came and gone?

Dr SUZY
Jux Lii says happy anniversary y’all, and we’re taking your comments your calls, I guess, although we have a lot to say today.

00:24:09 MAX
You can call us at 626-461-5212 and you too can have the secret to love in a long marriage.

Dr SUZY
It’s true.

MAX
Yeah, call us now.

MAX
I’ll tell you the secrets. Is it very simple?

Dr SUZY
Simple? Yes, but it’s obviously something that eludes some of the greatest minds, some of the most famous celebrities and the wealthiest billionaires can’t seem to grasp this very simple secret.

MAX
Have fun and never grow up and always be innocent, OK? When they accuse you, just remember you’re innocent.

Dr SUZY
Right, but you forgot the work part.

MAX
Oh the work part.

Dr SUZY
Because the billionaires are all into never growing up. Everybody is into never growing up, if they can just find the time and it is true that that’s a very important aspect of marriage.

MAX
But do you OK let let me ask you, does Elon Musk, when he talked to his his rock star girlfriend that he talked like a baby?

Dr SUZY
Well, he probably did in the beginning, and that’s how they came up with that crazy name for the kid.

MAX
What did they call it?

Dr SUZY
I can’t even pronounce it, but they ended up calling the kid “X.”

MAX
Right?

Dr SUZY
So hey, it’s about sex with the capital X!  I mean, I think they had it going on in the beginning. Now Grimes has got the hots for Chelsea Manning, so hopefully they’ll spring Julian Assange because you know, he is in prison and he just got married. Yay congratulations to Julian Assange and his new wife who is also the mother of his two children. It’s a beautiful thing actually and such an inspiration. He got married in prison.

MAX
Right in prison.

Dr SUZY
People do that often to the detriment of somebody but also to the benefit of a lot of people, and in this case, it certainly is to the benefit of Julian and his lovely wife, and his two little boys, who dressed in kilts, as well as to all kinds of people that are inspired by this journalist who has been imprisoned by different American and English regimes.

MAX
Yes, these regimes… And we talk about Russia, you know I don’t like Russia too much.

Dr SUZY
No, nobody does right now. Well maybe a few.

MAX
You know, we basically do the same, kind of thing, we imprison our journalists.How do I know that?

Dr SUZY
Because you’ve been imprisoned

MAX
That’s correct.  So if they don’t like what you’re publishing…

Dr SUZY
Whether it’s politics or sex or war—usually those are the subjects they don’t like you to publish—basically sex and politics and that includes war, and yet they love to publish stuff about war. They just don’t want you to be critical of war and they don’t want you to be positive about sex.

MAX
Right.

Dr SUZY
Isn’t that funny? We’re the exact opposite of that, and we have been for 30 years.

MAX
I went to prison for that.

Dr SUZY
I have thus far eluded prison, although I have been raided a few times, including by the lovely city of Arcadia and I have gone before their kangaroo court politburo.

MAX
You know, I was just writing about them. OK, so we’ve got these people. And they’re running a city, and this is the Arcadia City Council. Who do we have on there? We got a guy that works for DIRECTV. He works for DIRECTV. He’s a he’s an executive at at at the DIRECTV which everybody hates. Everybody hates it. When AT&T bought it over. And AT&T took it over. They lost so many subscribers so I got this guy who’s Mr Beck I think is his name and he’s a lawyer. He was a lawyer for many many years. And now that he’s retired, he’s over there at DIRECTV and dumb. He’s laughing at me at the City Council because I said I live in a motorhome so that I can support my work.

The thing that I love doing. Hey global, yeah yeah uh Oh yeah yeah. And then we’ve got ambulance chaser. What’s her name? I forget her name. She’s an ambulance chaser. She’s she’ll take care of you if you get hurt. Right, if there’s a car accident she comes in, she negotiates with the insurance company, you know, and she uses her office as her home address.

I wonder if she’s sleeping there so. I don’t know why I told you that whole story, but that’s one of the things that we’re dealing with and everywhere we go, we try to be very quiet, very nice, do our work.

Try try to do those things. Whatever is going all those two doing, what are they doing? Is there sex over there?

Dr. SUZY
That’s what they’re wondering. But look at this wedding couple: We look so nice.
And I love this picture of all the guys, here’s my brother,  here you are, here’s your brother, here’s my cousin Elliot, there’s Jose, and there’s my cousin Tommy, there’s my late cousin Jeff. It looks like a nice Mafia Family.

MAX
Ah, Schwab’s.

Dr SUZY
Right, yes I found it. I looked it up. Schwab’s is the little drugstore where people would meet their Hollywood agents and maybe get cast, though probably not, but everyone believed the myth, and some got exploited, some sexually and some just emotionally.

MAX
Who’s this?

Dr SUZY
Actresses and actors that want to become stars.

MAX
Oh Schwab’s. Well, yeah, because they’re trying to hook on to some. And they still do.

Dr. SUZY
This is Hollywood.

MAX
It’s Hollywood. It’s also true of the Mechanic Store or the little garage,

Dr SUZY
Oh, that’s true.

MAX
You know, when I had the collection agency I had some of everybody going to. At this but. All the women females wanted to be special. Relationship with you. With me not only have well, yeah, but there’s…

Dr SUZY
I can’t blame them. I guess we have a special relationship, you and I, don’t we?

MAX
Sure do. What’s the guy’s name with the electric cars?

Dr SUZY
Elon Musk.

MAX
Oh Elon Musk, OK? I, I, mentioned his name but today I read this horrible statistic that in order to make one battery they have to process 500,000.

Dr SUZY
Yes, it’s not ecologically friendly.

MAX
Not at all.

Dr SUZY
He paints himself as being Mr. Ecology, but really no.

MAX
Electric cars have nothing to do with ecology, except they don’t fart a lot like cows.

Dr SUZY
They don’t take gasoline in the same way, it’s true, but it takes gasoline to run the electrical grid.

MAX
And also what they’re using in order to make the battery.

MAX
Are going to run out soon, whoops. Certainly it can’t keep up. And by the way, I think one of the airlines and you know, I I’d heard this a long time ago. One of the airlines flew a one of those big bus air buses, double deckers with alternate fuel, what was the alternate fuel? The alternate fuel was refined oil from restaurants.

Dr SUZY
I think the comments are kind of stalled, I’m not sure.

MAX
Harry, I want to have a list of everyone that’s not watching or this thing.

Dr SUZY
Right.

MAX
OK ’cause there’s going to be retribution here.

Dr SUZY
We’re not going to let them back into Bonoboville for our next orgy.

MAX
Right, that’s it you’re done.

Dr SUZY
So, we’re actually going to have a very kind of controlled orgy here in a couple of weeks.

MAX
Control orgy? That sounds like about right.

Dr SUZY
Yes, with Vice.

MAX
Oh yeah, Vice Vice is coming in.

Dr SUZY
So you might want to find out about how you can get here because Capt’n Max and I we are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, and we love each other a lot, but no couple is an island, so we have a Bonoboville, which is you all. Bonoboville consists partly of the people that are our crew, but also people from all over Los Angeles who join us for shows, as well as all over the world and some of you are invited.  I can’t say you’re all invited because some of you know that you shouldn’t be here.

MAX
Check this out.

Dr SUZY
So I guess if you’re tuned in live, you might see an angle where you can see the Womb Room which we are currently redecorating.

MAX
OK, we’re gonna do that on B roll

Dr SUZY
B roll? How about C roll, or D roll? Or how about a Double D roll, baby? Or a sweet jelly roll baby.

MAX
Oh yeah, the windmills with the cancer causing noise. You go boom boom boom boom. What’s his name? The guy that was president.

Dr SUZY
Trump?

MAX
Ah, Trump, right, right right?

Dr SUZY
You forgot Trump’s name? Wow, that must be nice.

MAX
He’s a tree trunk of a Trump.

Dr. SUZY
It takes gasoline to run the electrical grid.

MAX
And also what they’re using in order to make the batteries are going to run out soon certainly it can’t keep up. And by the way, I think one of the airlines and you know, I, I’d heard this a long time ago. One of the airlines flew a one of those big bus air buses, double deckers with alternate fuel, what was the alternate fuel? The alternate fuel was refined oil from restaurants.

Dr. SUZY
I think the comments are stalled.

MAX
Harry, I wanna have a list of everyone that’s not watching.

Dr. SUZY
Right, or we’re not going to invite them back to Bonoboville for our next orgy.

MAX
OK, ’cause there’s going to be retribution here, right, that’s it, you’re done, right?

Dr. SUZY
We’re going to have a very kind of controlled orgy here in a couple of weeks.

MAX
Controlling orgy, that sounds like a riot.

Dr. SUZY
Controlled yes, with Vice.

MAX
Oh yeah, Vice, Vice is coming in.

Dr. SUZY
So you might want to find out about how you can get here because Capt’n Max and I we are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary, and we love to be together, but no couple is an island.

MAX
I’ve been chosen.

Dr. SUZY
So we have a Bonoboville, which is you all! It’s partly the people that are our crew, but also people all over Los Angeles, as well as the world, and some of you are invited.

Dr. SUZY
I can’t say you’re all invited because some of you know that you shouldn’t be here.

Dr. SUZY
So if you’re tuned in live right now, you can see an angle on the new Womb Room, which we are now in the process of decorating.

Dr. SUZY
The other camera shows more of the place than this one.

MAX
OK, we’re gonna do that on a B roll.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, we’re gonna have a B roll.

MAX
Or a C roll

Dr. SUZY
All or maybe a D roll.

MAX
D roll.

Dr. SUZY
Or a Double D roll, baby.

Dr. SUZY
Or how about a Roll in the Hay, or some Sweet Jelly Roll, baby yeah.

MAX
Oh yeah, the windmills with the cancer causing noise.

MAX
You go boom, boom, boom. Who said?

Dr. SUZY
Jux Lii.

MAX
No, no, the guy that was president.

Dr. SUZY
The guy that was President? Trump?

MAX
Ah, Trump, right right?

Dr. SUZY
You forgot Trump’s name? That must be nice.

MAX
He’s a tree trunk of a Trump. What are you doing?

Dr. SUZY
Let go!

MAX
OK.

Dr. SUZY
Sometimes a guy has to let go of his wife. Looking at you, Will Smith!

MAX
OK, I’m holding her from behind.

Dr. SUZY
You’re grabbing my thong!

MAX
I’m just holding her up so she doesn’t fall.

Dr. SUZY
OK, that’s better.

MAX
She’s a very delicate, bony little girl.

MAX
She goes.

Dr. SUZY
And down we go. These are Mother of Pearl sunglasses with a Pearl Mask.

Dr. SUZY
I’m really getting into the Pearl spirit for my 30th wedding anniversary. Longterm love is a lot about releasing your inner child, which we call releasing your inner bonobo.

Dr. SUZY
It’s also about conflict resolution and respect.

Dr. SUZY
And a lot of good sex. There’s lust and there’s trust. The trust is the serious part, and the lust is the fun part. And you have to have it all. And people are all looking for how to do that. My hairdresser, Mark Brown, wants to see my hair, so here it is, all flat after I’ve had a headset on, which is why I like to wear a hat and Max wears a hat.

MAX
I wear a hat because I’m bald like that actress.

Dr. SUZY
So Mark Brown did my hair last night. And so I wanted to give him a little promo before we start talking about that actress.

MAX
OK.

Dr. SUZY
And her relationship. Which is in the news a lot these days. Because of The Slap that everybody has an opinion about.

MAX
The Slap heard around the world.

Dr. SUZY
Actually, we didn’t really hear it. We saw it.

MAX
We saw it.

Dr. SUZY
And we continue to see it. Over and over and over again.

MAX
They can’t stop, they can’t stop. That they got us all tide up in movies and slapping in wars and…

Dr. SUZY
It is a type of bondage.

MAX
Total bondage to information that is absolutely useless.

Dr. SUZY
That the Elites (I don’t know what else to call them) – the people that control the Media, the Military, Hollywood – they want to repress our sexuality. And yet they want to stimulate our sexual interest in violence. It’s all very ammosexual. Even if your ammo is just your hand, slapping away… like a gun. Fortunately a hand is not as lethal as a gun.  Yeah, yeah it was no big deal, right? No big deal. Why’s everybody making it a big deal?  Will Smith smacked Chris Rock, so what? Hey, what’s a smack between friends, right?

We’ve seen a lot of nice smacks like that at DomCon… BUT it’s consensual. That’s the difference. And it’s a big difference. Now smack-smack is a little more hardcore than spank-spank. But hey, spank, spank is kind of fun too.

MAX
The reason we’re talking about this is that maybe we will become famous for talking about people who are famous. Wouldn’t that be cool?

Dr. SUZY
Is that why we’re talking about this?

MAX
My whole, my whole history in in our work and my work. Is all the people you never wanted to meet? That’s who you’re going to meet here. OK, all the people that you are so terrified of. But they’re just other human beings, and you’re going to meet a lot of new friends and hot chicks.

DrSUZY
What are we talking about?

MAX
I’m doing little promo for what if you hang around?

Dr. SUZY
Oh, OK.

MAX
For my wife who is a sex therapist.

Dr. SUZY
OK, go on.

MAX
OK, so I don’t even know where I was.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, right.

MAX
I have to pad this headboard.

Dr. SUZY
You were telling me about how you think I’m talking about famous relationships to get famous.

MAX
It’s in a you get if you start talking about them. Oh yeah, but yeah, but if you continue doing that.

Dr. SUZY
I’ve got a certain level of fame.

MAX
No, no. There’s different levels where you reach, you know, anyway. OK, so America.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so let’s talk about our marriage if you don’t want to talk about Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith. I mean, I have all kinds of things I would say about them because I’ve been thinking about them lately.

MAX
OK, go ahead, no sure if I have that’s.

Dr. SUZY
So no, no, no no, you don’t want to talk about celebrities, so I don’t either. So here, have a look at this

vintage hanging we got at an auction house with the girl with the Captain’s hat you got me wearing at that time right before we got married. Ahoy there, Capt’n! So, I was wearing this Captain hat. You actually put it on my head during one of my shows, and then we found her and it was like finding a kind of sister right here. The SS Happy Days.

MAX
I just want to let you know you’re watching and listening to radio with pictures FDR Radio, which is part of the Dr. Susan Block show and this is Bedside Chats. I, I say that because the city is trying to tell me that I can’t have beds in the storage area of my office.

Dr. SUZY
When we’ve been doing a show from bed for years, actually, I’ve been doing a show from bed since before I met Max. I did a show called Mattress Madness at the Zephyr Theater. I’ve been doing shows from beds for many, many, years. Mattress Madness was a show of performance poetry. I still do poetry, and I’m also a sex therapist now. So I talk to you about your sexuality. And Max of course is… You are?

MAX
Me? So, I’m married…To this girl. We’ve been doing this together for 30 years and for 30 years you guys have supported us giving us so much love. Of an opportunity and way before there were podcasts or vlogs and peoples and other things we were broadcasting. We were broadcasting probably with the first radio station because we bought the software and, and as soon as we got the software we had radio show and bands and music and interviews we had a lot of fun doing it and then this, this spirit came along called the Internet and we don’t know what to do with it. I love you.

Dr. SUZY
I love you too. Henry Hernandez says Congrats! Michael Dobbs says you have pretty legs. And Mark Hair Studio says the City thumbs-down. Poo-poo city. Since you don’t want to talk about celebrities, I thought I would read my diary from 1991.

MAX
Oh, okay.

Dr. SUZY
So this is the diary that you bought me.

MAX
I lay down, make make yourself comfortable.

Dr. SUZY
Right before we got married.

MAX
This is the best.

Dr. SUZY
And I’m using my phone as a magnifying glass.

MAX
Cause we’re old.

Dr. SUZY
So here we go…

(reading) “I’m lost in the love zone. Blissfully following the thread of passion. As it weaves lush webs all around me and this man I adore. This man who gave me this little black book. A new chapter in my life. The story of the strongest love I’ve ever felt. Yesterday was my father’s birthday. The first he’s missed since I’ve been alive. And I felt that that chapter had closed. The Old Man is gone to dust. The New Man rises like the sun, powerful and growing. I am lost in his power. I am lost in the love zone. His name is Mickey. Like the mouse or like some kind of drug someone slips in your drink. And that’s not his only name. There’s Michael, Maximilian Rudolph Lebovic di Lobkowicz di Filangieri. A name for every facet, every disguise, every inch of him I love. As I write this, he’s right behind me. Touching my skin, rubbing my back, snuggling up against me like we do when we sleep. He always does this. Walking in on me when I talk about him on the phone. Listening in at the bathroom door when I pee. Circling through my deepest fantasies on the phone, opening up my heart, walking right into my most private places, my secret gardens… I love to share my secrets with him.

Even this diary is no secret. I know he is reading it. It’s all part of being lost in the Love Zone.

Crew
Applause

MAX
That was a diary entry.

Dr. SUZY
About you.

MAX
About Moi.

Dr. SUZY
It was all about you, so whether you liked the prose or the poetry or not, you have to admit it was quite the praise of Prince Max. That was before you were Capt’n Max, when you were just a Prince.

MAX
Nice. Very very nice.

Dr. SUZY
I had just fallen in love with you, and you gave me this diary and I wrote it for like 3 weeks and then I forgot about it. Actually, you wrote an entry in here.

MAX
Oh, I did.

Dr. SUZY
I think you were trying to encourage me. Yours is very poetic too, but I think you don’t want me to read it.

MAX
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was very schmaltzy.

Dr. SUZY
Because he likes to hear about my love for him but if I were to share his love for me, well, that would be embarrassing.

MAX
It’s all very schmaltzy.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, and a woman has to respect her husband’s level of embarrassment, right? Back to those celebrities, huh?

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
And I don’t mean it’s just a woman. I think people have to respect each other, especially in public. Jesus.

MAX
And especially now when it seems like I don’t know what mom and dad would tell. Then you, you guys running around with these guns and and slaps and slap and violence and violence and violence and what? Does it get you? Where does it get you?

Dr. SUZY
Well, they’re ammosexual.

MAX
A life a lifetime in prison.

Dr. SUZY
They get off on it.

MAX
And imagine if someone did that to your mother and killed her out on the street and shot her behind the head.

Dr. SUZY
Wow, yeah.

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
So… before I talk about those celebrities you all want to hear about, I just want to talk about another celebrity couple made in hell. That would be Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas and his wife Ginni Thomas who actively supported the American Insurrection on January 6, 2021. Trump’s attempted Coup The Rape of the Capitol. That was Ginni Thomas and her husband Clarence Thomas is the most Conservative Republican reactionary justice on the Supreme Court. At this point, that is saying a lot.

MAX
And on the American scene and the world scene because yaah, he’s a reactionary uh, whole and dangerous.

Dr. SUZY
And she is his counterpart. She’s the Eve to his Adam.  She’s the Jada to his Will, if you will. And she is pretty poisonous. I guess he’s already in that direction, but who knows what their pillow talk is like. In any case, the two of them as a power couple are all out for corporate fascism, that’s basically what it comes down to. We have to watch out for this couple. In fact he should not be a Supreme Court Justice and she should probably be in jail along with those other people that are in jail just for walking around the Capitol.

MAX
She’s rightwing.

Dr. SUZY
She helped plan that thing, she paid for the buses.

MAX
What happened tonight with the with Trump, he went somewhere and they were calling him a not a traitor, was of some other fucking name, which he is a traitor to everything. He’s a traitor to everything. You believe out there on the farm and everything we believe. Out here in the city.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah. And yet, and yet we try, I try not to demonize anybody that goes for Republicans. That goes for Putin. These people seem to have waves of violence and evil coursing through their veins. But honestly, everyone has a little evil in them and we need to reach out because these are our fellow humans. We all have to come together for peace through pleasure in all kinds of weather or there ain’t gonna be no more weather. That’s right, the climate is going to burn up so gotta do it. Got to get together somehow with these people that we all despise and I’m sure some of you despise us.

MAX
We all gotta get together.

Dr. SUZY
How about that, whoo?

MAX
Hey listen we won’t burn down your churches you don’t burn down our building and let’s just be friends. We have you got you got about 20 minutes on this planet. I, I know, you know you have a lifetime ahead of you and you have this and you have that and that reminds me of poor Mr. Beck here on the City council. Works for DIRECTV and wants to censor another journalist. Let’s talk about that sometime.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so I have something about celebrities that does promote our archives.

MAX
OK, alright right, right. Go right ahead.

Dr. SUZY
We have just released our 2001 exclusive interview with fetish supermodel Dita Von Teese. It’s all about her amazing life and her approach to the art of the tease. That’s the name of this interview, “Art of the Teese.” And we talk about her relationship, which was just beginning at that time with Marilyn Manson.
That’s right, it’s a little controversial, and of course, Marilyn Manson has become a lot more controversial. Some people have accused him of horrible sex crimes. He insists that he is innocent and Dita Von Teese has never accused him of anything and really doesn’t, I guess, take sides. Although she doesn’t corroborate the accusers.

Dr. SUZY
I think that anybody watching this interview who has an opinion will find something in the interview to support their opinion, whether it’s that Marilyn Manson is guilty or innocent. Some might say he’s just indulging in consensual BDSM with eager groupies, girlfriends and people that enjoy it.  And it’s not even that hardcore anyway. And other people might hear something demonic, diabolical in this interview which goes into some level of detail about Dita’s love affair with Marilyn Manson that leads to marriage and divorce, not divorce over any kind of abuse, but cheating.

Maybe some people think of cheating as abuse, but it’s pretty standard. And yet I can understand why someone would divorce you over it. So, this interview is very revealing about Dita’s psyche and her relationship with Manson.

And it’s also very revealing about bondage, and we actually tie Dita up. She’s got these amazing elbows. She’s double jointed, and she lets us tie her elbows together. And she’s such a lady while she does it, all dressed up in a corset that she says is big, but it’s 20 inches, and it’s really quite amazing.

We also kind of recreate this enhanced interrogation that was going on as American forces invaded Afghanistan, and gathered prisoners in Guantanamo Bay, binding them, of course, nonconsensually, blindfolding them, tying them up and interrogating them. It was horrific.

So, we did a bit of a parody of that interrogation, as it was happening at the same time. While George W. Bush was invading Afghanistan, we preferred to penetrate the beautiful mind of Dita Von Teese.

It was a great show, but we never released it except when it was live. So now we’re releasing it.

MAX
But she was also on with Bettie Page.

Dr. SUZY
That’s true, and we released that one before. Our one-of-a-kind Bettie Page interview that also features Dita Von Teese. It’s on our website.

MAX
Years ago.

Dr. SUZY
But this one just focuses on Dita.

MAX
We don’t deal with the famous people. We make people famous. So many people have started on this show.

Dr. SUZY
That’s true.

MAX
So many people over the 30 years, you know. And yeah, uh, so that’s kind of fun.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, I hear an opening to talk about celebrity relationships.

MAX
An opportunity.

Dr. SUZY
I mean seriously.

MAX
No, no, no it is good.

Dr. SUZY
Everybody has been talking about this fucking slap.

MAX
We might be able to get advertisers if we talk about them.

Dr. SUZY
And it’s sad, because it’s based on an unhinged threesome.

MAX
And you know.

Dr. SUZY
Threesomes can be great. Will Smith is, of course, in the cuckold position.

We know that everyone has been appraised of Jada Pinkett Smith’s tendencies toward polyamory, you could say, if you’re being generous, or perhaps if you’re being a little more circumspect, you might say cheating.

MAX
Theoretically.

Dr. SUZY
Well, no, not theoretically. She definitely had sex with other guys.

MAX
Oh OK, I didn’t know that I said I just didn’t want to call the insurance company and say, you know, would you do the famous woman? Right, they could slap us, right? And then we’d be following that now.

Dr. SUZY
She admitted it proudly on her show called Red Table Talk where she has also defamed pornography.

MAX
Ah hah.

Dr. SUZY
She said that porn was bad for you.

Here she is talking about all her erotic relationships, which are great, you know, and the hot sex she has with different people, which is fabulous and kind of erotic in terms of hearing about it.

People are getting turned on to it and Jada’s making money off of their arousal, but it’s not the visually explicit porn that she feels is somehow indecent and that she feels is OK to condemn.

MAX
Right?

Dr. SUZY
And I feel that she should be condemned for condemning porn.

MAX
You’re really just condemning sex. Forget the name or the studio that made it. OK. It’s really about sex.

Dr. SUZY
So, Jada does this show, Red Table Talk, and it’s a bunch of people sitting around a table, often including her mother, her children and her husband, Will, who is of course a very famous actor.

Will seems ambivalent about these shows. They just released a little clip that shows her filming him in the beginning of Red Table Talk, where she put a camera in his face, and he says “Don’t film me now. I don’t want to be filmed now.”

But you can relate to that.

MAX
That’s right, you tell her.

Dr. SUZY
There are certain times a man does not want to be filmed.

MAX
Yeah, you tell him, Will.

Dr. SUZY
But she really forces him and then releases it. And it’s not just a photograph, it’s getting him in this uncomfortable way and releasing it.

MAX
Was she a fucking Domme?

Dr. SUZY
Well, maybe if Jada were a real Domme, she could handle this better. That’s my opinion. Real Dommes can handle this kind of power play that Jada and Will are playing. But they don’t have the training or the clear rules apparently, so they are playing with fire.

They have no rules for their polyamorous relationship.

They have no rules for their cuckold situation.

They have no rules for the FemDom Jada position that she puts herself in, and they really have no rules for this whole idea that she carries a torch for Tupac. I guess she was one of his groupies, or maybe she was his girlfriend, but in any case, her feelings are strong enough that her daughter wrote about it. She wrote dear Tupac, could you come back please and make my mommy feel better?

Meanwhile her dad is Will Smith. He’s in the cuckold position.

Jada is in the Hot Wife position, and there’s no doubt she’s very sexy, even bald, or you know some people are just sexy bald.

For instance, Max is a bald, sexy man.

MAX
Thank you.

Dr. SUZY
I don’t know if you want to show your bald head

MAX
Not really.

Dr. SUZY
Okay, well, you’ve all seen it, and bald can be sexy. MAX is sexy, and Jada is sexy. Bald or not, she is a Hot Wife, and I’m sure that there’s lots of people that fantasize about her. She’s a Cougar into younger men. She’s also a MILF, of course.

Then there’s the position of Chris Rock. Obviously, he’s not in an overtly sexual position. And yet comedy is kind of a sexual thing. Laughter is a mental orgasm. When you make somebody laugh, tickle their funny bone and they giggle and enjoy and feel pleasure, mental pleasure and maybe even physical pleasure.

And you could see that Will was feeling that pleasure of laughter when hearing Chris Rock’s joke about Jada being GI Jane 2.

It’s a silly joke. Not exactly an insult. Demi Moore is pretty attractive in GI Jane, so I certainly wouldn’t find that offensive. It’s not like he was comparing her to Telly Savalas.

MAX
I don’t know.

Dr. SUZY
Or Yule Brenner, although Yule Brenner was good looking.

But Jada didn’t like it, or maybe Jada was just pissed with Will.

Hard to say because she had just said on her social media, you know, “So I’m bald. I got this alopecia and it’s nothing too serious. It just means my hair falls out and you know, we know old age brings different things.” It doesn’t hurt, but you know it might hurt your vanity.

MAX
My mother had that and she… Yeah, I remember as a little boy. She lost a lot of her hair. She had this black Neapolitan her and she would put through their packs. Our head. Yeah, yeah, and her hair grew back.

Dr. SUZY
Well, maybe you could try some.

MAX
Well, that’s what she did, I’m just saying.

Dr. SUZY
It’s a Neapolitan Wives’ Cure.

Or you could just go with your bald head, it’s OK.

MAX
It’s also OK.

Dr. SUZY
You look great bald. Or you could wear a wig or a hat, you know, whatever you like.

But Jada chose to make a face, as people call it, the “resting bitch face,” and Will chose to take it as a signal to walk slowly up and give Chris the slap.

Which is definitely a form of physical contact.

And yeah, it’s not very sexual. But metaphorically, it kind of is and Chris is kind of in the position of Bull in that he’s making a joke that gets to Jada, either to make her laugh or to push her buttons.

And he’s obviously pushing Will’s buttons, and even though I’m sure Chris Rock hasn’t had sex with Jada, he’s pushing a button in Will that thinks about all the men that have had sex with Jada that he doesn’t match up to.

After all, she complains about everything, her birthday, their wedding, everything he does, she complaints about. It’s hilarious to see from afar, actually, but I can imagine being Will Smith is not so hilarious. It sounds very stressful but no excuse for going up and smacking somebody at the fucking Oscars.

And I know everybody says this. Or they say the opposite.

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Was Will Smith being punished? I mean, some people actually defend him, they say because Chris Rock made a joke that Jada didn’t like, that makes it OK for Will Smith to assault Chris.

Now those people I think are ammosexual. They like to see violence more than hear him just yell out something.

And of course, a lot of Americans, a lot of people all over the world enjoy watching violence like this, and that’s why everyone wants to see this slap.

Because people are attracted to violence, just like they’re also attracted to sex.

I mean, hot sex.

Not some of the sex play they do on the Oscars which is lame.

But certainly, when Madonna and Britney Spears kissed, everybody wanted to see that. That was hot. It was a bit of a surprise too and sex-positive in my view.

But this, in my view, was negative for so many reasons. For one thing, Will was not defending his wife. Jada actually confirmed that, and she managed to do so in a way that also embarrassed him by saying he was not defending her, which—Oh my God, it’s just you know, OK lady, we get that you don’t like anything Will does, but just pipe down already.

MAX
Sounds like a village tragedy.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, it is. It’s a tragedy for the village of Hollywood.

People ask: Why is this a big deal when Hollywood people have won Oscars like Woody Allen or Alec Baldwin, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski. I don’t know that they’ve all won, but they’re all doing bad stuff, right? At least, they’re accused of bad stuff, and I’m not going to argue about what they’re doing, but the point is, they’re doing it outside of the Academy Hall.

If they’re doing it on the stage, that’s the issue. I cannot stand that people all over social media make this analogy. It’s very popular. I know somebody that got a ton of hits over this, like the whole idea that Will Smith is being treated worse than people who have done worse.

Whatever Roman Polanski and Alec Baldwin did or didn’t do, these were not things that were done during the Oscars, that’s a key.

What was done during the Oscars? OK, so the thing that was closest was Marlon Brando sent a Native American lady to accept his Oscar and she also criticized the presentation of Native Americans in Hollywood.

And John Wayne, I think, tried to attack her.

MAX
John Wayne!

Dr. SUZY
Sacheen Littlefeather.

MAX
John Wayne.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, John Wayne, brothers and sisters. The guards held him back. John Wayne was not allowed onto the stage.  Why didn’t the guards hold back Will Smith striding up to the stage? Maybe they should have. And certainly, once he smacked a presenter they should have escorted him out. But they didn’t.  And you know what? I get it, It’s confusing.  Will Smith’s received all this opprobrium for bringing violence onto the Oscars stage, but he has his defenders. Personally, I love that streaker who ran naked across the Oscars stage in 1974, and gave David Niven an opportunity to quip, “Well, that gentleman just showed us his shortcomings.” That was fun.

Sex is fun, folks. Violence is not fun… for the people on the receiving end. Some people like violence, the ones on the giving end. Or the watching end.  A lot of people like to watch violence. But the problem is that violence hurts. Violence harms. Violence can kill. Of course, a slap is the tip of the iceberg of violence. There’s also war, and we are at war, Brothers and Sisters, and our American and NATO leaders are fighting the Russians down to the last Ukrainian, and it’s awful.

MAX
And then rightwingers all over the world want to just on a personal level take me back to somewhere I don’t want to go.

Dr. SUZY
Right.

MAX
I want to go forward I, I’ve done that.

Dr. SUZY
We want to go forward in the evolution of our humanity. That’s why we say, please make your slaps consensual.

MAX
Right?.

Dr. SUZY
And if you have this kind of complicated relationship like Will and Jada, don’t act it out through violence.  Maybe you need to go to a counselor that can help you.

MAX
Or get whipped.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, maybe see a Dominatrix. A good Domme can be a very good counselor.

MAX
Some yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
We know a lot of Dommes, and we’re going to be going to DomCon after Vice.

MAX
Right soon.

Dr. SUZY
And then we’re going to Yale for our Yale reunion.

MAX
They bought a jacket for that.

Dr. SUZY
But first, we’re going to the Bonaventure… I think.

MAX
Ah yes.

Dr. SUZY
We don’t know what to do really, because usually on our anniversary in the past we would have an anniversary orgy, but it just feels a little strange and unsafe right now.  I mean, we have our boosters and our masks. But the mask is not a great thing to wear to an orgy.

MAX
Well, I mean, you know it depends.

Dr. SUZY
Well, certain masks. A sexy mask would be okay.  We are moving into some active times now.  I feel like it’s a tough time to navigate how to not get Covid and not get shot while we go out among the people.

MAX
Oh shit

Dr. SUZY
We just got caught in a 30th anniversary parade! Oh my goddess.

MAX
Woo we have a cake yay.

Dr. SUZY
Brothers and sisters, lovers and sinners.  We have a cake! Wow. A 30th anniversary cake.

MAX
All right, look at this thing, yeah?

Dr. SUZY
Thank you Adriana, you can just put it down.

MAX
You can put it down here.

Dr. SUZY
Right here by The Bonobo Way, which I had not written when we got married, and we didn’t even know about bonobos, but I feel like we were very bonobo, even when we didn’t know about them, and this is our beautiful cake.  But Chico is going to go to the cake now.

MAX
Oh Chico.  Hey, come on over on over.  Oh yeah, thank you.

Dr. SUZY
Somebody should grab the cake.

MAX
This is Chico.

Dr. SUZY
This is Chico.

MAX
If you ever attempt to come close to this area, Chico will growl.

Dr. SUZY
And then he will bark. But thank you for the cake!  And thank you for joining us for our 30th wedding anniversary.  Be good, be happy try not to hurt anyone, including yourself.  Make like bonobos, not baboons. Whether you’re married or single…  Marriage is not for everyone. It happens to be for us, but whether or not it’s for you…

Make like bonobos, not baboons… Make Love, Not War. Make Love to someone you love tonight, even if that someone is you.

MAX
Yoooooouuuuu!!

Dr. SUZY
Be Bonobo, don’t be Will Smith!  At least, not for now. Maybe he can be rehabilitated but for now, be Dr. Suzy and Max, if you’re married.

MAX
Yeah, 30 years.

Dr. SUZY
Woo Hoo.

MAX
Hey Doc, I love you.

Dr. SUZY
I love you!

Dr. SUZY & MAX
Mmmmwwwwaaaaahhhh!

WATCH Our 30TH Wedding Anniversary Bedside Chat on FDR!

Show Length 01:21:56  Date: April 9, 2022

© April 9, 2022 by Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.