Length 1:38:45 Date: Jan. 30, 2021

by Dr. Susan Block. 

How can a BJ stop a thief? Is a “short squeeze” a Wall Street maneuver or self-pleasure technique? What’s new in cannibalism (#EatTheRich—now on special!)? Which posterior act did former Arizona Governor Mike Huckabee confess to committing with a corn cob? How can you have hot Valentine sex—whether you’re single, in a couple or trouple—in the Coronapocalypse? What great sex worker victory just blessed Brooklyn? Why is Subway’s phallic fake tuna on fake bread like Marie Antoinette? What are ammosexual “Proud Girls” Margarine and Lunatic, blessed by Swamp King Drumpf, doing in Congress? What the hell-in-heaven’s name is going on, how can bonobos help, and how will it affect my upcoming State of Sex in America Address?

Listen above or below for answers to these burning questions and more on our latest edition of F.D.R. (F*ck Da Rich) Radio as Capt’n Max and I talk, laugh, cough stonedly and moan erotically on another great sapiosexual train ride through time. Joining us are train engineer Unscene Abe, Speakeasy dining car attendant Mariah and more Bonoboville fellow travelers, our numbers magically contracting and expanding from eight bonobo sapiens and a dog to thousands of cheering, physically-distanced, masked revelers.

So, what are you waiting for? Slip into some sensuous headphones and tune into insights and eargasms like you won’t hear anywhere else….

No headphones? Rather read than listen? Just heard the whole show, but want more? Below are some of my thoughts on “Stocks, Cocks & No Glocks,” spelled out for the hearing-impaired, F.D.R.-addicted and horny posterity…

Crimestopper BJ

Now here’s a very bonobo way to stop crime in real time (and I really hope it’s real): In Bratislava, Slovakia, a 24-year-old man robbed a gas station and punched one of the workers who managed to call the police during the rampage. Meanwhile, an unidentified woman entered the station and, according to Noviny Sk, “began to satisfy the thief orally until the cops arrived.”

At first, the suspect resisted arrest; my guess is he hadn’t quite finished yet. By the time the cops had the thief in cuffs, she’d disappeared. All we know is she’s 36, a MILF, Cougar and a Slovakian sexual superhero. If they ever find her, they should give her a big reward for her “oral citizen’s arrest.”

How about incorporating the Bratislavian Blowjob Detention Technique into police reform?

That’s not to say she’s a role model, or that anyone can or should engage in this sort of superheroic oral outreach; it’s obviously a very specialized, rather risky calling, taking body-positive public service a step farther than the Naked Athena.

But how about incorporating the Bratislavian BJ Detention and De-escalation Technique into police reform? Sure, it’d be controversial, but theoretically you could hire sex workers (when sex work is decriminalized, of course) to perform the procedure, which is a lot less lethal than holding the suspect down with your knee on their neck.

Though they might experience the “little death,” at least it won’t be the big one.

Of course, that’s just my wild bonoboësque fantasy; it’ll never catch on in our Puritanical society, which is far more interested in censoring our sexuality and pretending to be *moral* than stopping real crime, let alone saying lives.

However, serious sex-positive police reform is happening in Brooklyn where D.A. Eric Gonzalez just dismissed over 1000 bench warrants against sex workers, taking us one step closer to decriminalizing sex work. Advocates of the STOP Violence in the Sex Trades Act look to the ongoing legalization of recreational marijuana as a road map for how sex work can be decriminalized, so that our more everyday sexual superheroes can practice their trade in peace.

L.A. D.A. George Gascon, are you listening?

Tha People vs. Wall Street

“Fuck Da Rich (F.D.R.)” is our name. But “Eat the Rich” is on the menu at Reddit. In fact, it’s the house special.

Well, I told you Richie Dishies: It’s better to get fucked than eaten—unless by “eaten” you mean cunnilingus or a Bratislavian BJ (see above).  Now Da People be eating Wall Street alive. And I’m not talking about Armie Hammer.

Apparently, Wall Street got its platinum panties in a twist over the Reddit kids on r/WallStreetBets beating the billionaires at their own game, buying stocks in GameStop, a little money-losing company that the hedge fund short sellers tried to tank for their own profit—until Reddit’s gambit caused about $17 billion in losses for these overfed-but-always-hungry sharks swimming freely through the roiling capitalist sea of human suffering.

Sounds good to me. Hey, whatever makes greedy, cheating billionaire Leon Cooperman cry—whether it’s about paying his “fair share” (according to Liz Warren’s “wealth tax”) or the Reddit Rebellion giving him and his fellow hedge funders a taste of their own bull-shit—puts a grin on my face.

Not that I really understand all this stock talk (see Thomas Knapp, Jack Rasmus or Dean Baker for far more informed views). When my dirty mind hears about a “bull market,” I can’t help but think of cuckolding. Call it a bunch of cuck and bull, if you will, but the “bull” in cuckoldry is the hot wife’s “other man,” often hailed for his bullish potency, compared to the cuckold who mainly watches and services the bull. So, is the Reddit Rebellion a Cuck Market Uprising?  

Artist Ryan Dee has a more straightforward interpretation, his smiling poop emoji installation under the bronze Bull’s tail the ultimate caricature of Wall Street bullshit.

Bully-Shit on Broadway.

As for “short squeeze,” I now know it’s a rapid market-driven increase in the price of a stock, but it still sounds to me like a masturbation method. These guys certainly are stroking those stocks… or stonks.

Stonks just sound like they stink, which they kind of do. And how about “pump and dump”? It’s supposed to be illegal, but it appears to be the money shot.

In the center of the stonky storm is Robinhood, a free-trading investment firm named after the “Robin Hood” of medieval times, when “stocks” and “bonds” were used to imprison outlaws and the poor. The Robin Hood of legend, known for breaking out of stocks and bondage, took from the rich, represented by the tyrannical “Sheriff of Nottingham,” and gave to the poor.

This time-honored, quasi-socialistic image originally attracted many “little guys,” including the r/WallStreetBets bunch, to Robinhood, but when GameStop popped, the firm moved to protect their rich hedge fund investors, like Citadel Securities—Wall Street’s equivalent of the Sheriff of Nottingham—from their “poor” small investors’ surprisingly strong short squeeze. Is Robinhood robbing the hood to pay off the Sheriff?

That’s what it smells like, or you could say, these stonks stink.

Other companies also pulled this maneuver, permitting the sale but not purchase of GameStop stonks along with AMC and some others on the market. But Robinhood is the face of the scandal, and the face of Robinhood is its elfin CEO, “Vlad,” who looks like one of Robin’s Merry Men, or maybe Maid Marion.

Would Friar Tuck Tuck the Rich? Shouldn’t their PR flacks tuck in their bibs while they’re gorging themselves on the gourmet fruits of other people’s labor?

Better to just fuck the rich, and in this context that means, tax their asses—and their assets—and their hedge fund games. Hopefully, our Janet Yellin, America’s first female treasury secretary, will stand up for the people here. But don’t count on it; she’s made millions from hedge funds herself.

Obviously, the Wall Street scandal, Armie Hammer’s alleged cannibalism fetish (which he calls “bullshit”) and the QAnon crowd’s firm belief in child-chewing cannibal “elites” are not related… on the surface. Though it’s worth considering that #EatTheRich and just eating people(!) are trending topics for 2020 and barreling into 2021.

Listen above or below to hear more about the latest dish to be served at Armie’s Café. Hint: It’s called “Bones and All,” but it doesn’t involve Armie. He’s already bitten off more than he can chew on this topic.

Whoever eats or gets eaten at the Beggars’ Banquet of 2021 (sadly, it looks like the “little guys” still aren’t get more than table scraps), the Reddit Rebellion/Cuck Market Uprising is a lot more appetizing than the Trump Riots.

Trumpty Dumplings

Just picturing the seditious, avaricious Swamp King slithering through the stinking, sinking Mar-A-Lago marshes with his fellow swamp creatures makes me throw up my café au lait a little.

Recently, the quintessential Sorest Loser  bestowed his Power-of-Crazy-Thinking blessing upon Rape of the Capitol–cheerleading QAnon kook-a-bell, Marjorie Taylor Greene, a.k.a., Margarine Trumpster Gunslinger.

My coffee chills as I contemplate her toxic charm. The kookiest part is Margarine’s not the only exhibitionistically ammosexual stick of oleo oozing through the House. Another one is Rape of the Capitol cheerleader and Shooters Grill owner Lauren Boebert. I call her Loony Beretta-Brain.

Hopefully, Liz Warren will spank (the QAnon Shaman as he) testifies against Daddy Trump.

What’s with these young, sort of sexy, passionately crazy, gun-toting Trumpty Dumplings? Both are nuttier than a pack of Planters and more dangerous than those fun-guns they love more than I love dildos. What would Freud say? Are their gun-fetishizing fans secretly hoping to be pegged with those weapons?

Together, Margarine and Loony are the Proud Girls, at least as obnoxious as the Proud Boys, plus they’ve been elected by their Georgia and Colorado districts to the U.S. House of Representatives. Apparently, they are carrying on the “sexy crazy ammosexual” tradition once embodied by Sarah Palin, who hung out with horny guys in horns brandishing broadswords and firearms back in 2008 before it was cool.

Margarine’s blonde and Loony’s brunette, so if they get a redhead, they could be the Charlie’s Angels of Congress. Charlie would Trumpty himself, of course, who is, along with his spine-free house pet, Trumpublican Leader Kevin “Caved In” McCarthy (Q-CA), and various other Q-ish quislings in the House and out in the fields, keeping the Trump Virus alive… and morphing into more lethal strains.

As for a “principled” villain like Mitch The Bitch for the Rich, well, he’s very upset that Margarine and Loony are now the clown face of a Grand Old Party that he just wishes could go on quietly and politely stealing our money.

More titillating news in Trumpsylvania is that the QAnon Shaman, 2021’s most prominent horny guy in horns, wants to testify against Daddy Trump in the Impeachment Hearings. I just hope they’ll let him wear his horns. I also hope Elizabeth Warren gives him an OTK (over the knee) spanking as he testifies.  Maybe that’s too much to hope.  But Sally Mullins, Liz Warren’s SUZY-award-winning porn double, could spank the QAnon Shaman. I’m sure the real one would do it, as long as Craft Services is organic.

Harboring similar fantasies to mine, Senator Lindsey Graham has declared that the QAnon Shaman’s testimony would be a “circus.”  Please, Lady G, you are already such a circus all by your tRump-hoop-jumping self, you really ought to “sit this one out,” as AOC might say.

Into the middle of the circus rolls something to remind me that these clowns are seriously dangerous. New footage from a Capitol Police body cam shows tRump Rioter Rosanne Boylan unironically carrying a “Don’t Tread on Me” flag just before being lethally tread on by her fellow rioters as they tried to bludgeon some cops (who appear not to have been privy to the plot) on their way into the building. Even though Rosanne and I are on opposite ends of the political spectrum, I can’t help but shed a tear for this poor deluded woman, trampled to death by her own mob.

R.I.P. Rosanne Boylan. A lot of people translate R.I.P. to “Rest in Power” these crazy days. Are they hoping their dearly departed ones will join Machiavelli or Mussolini beyond the grave? Call me old-fashioned, or maybe crazy, but I prefer “Rest in Peace.”  I’m into Stocks and Cocks, but please no Glocks!

Logically, all of this segues into a discussion of Subway’s phallic sandwiches filled with creamy fake tuna and surrounded by spongy fake bread as some sort of metaphor for our indigestible times.

YouTube Bullies

As those of you riding along with us on the F.D.R. streamliner train already know, YouTube censored and defamed us last week—as they have censored and defamed so many of you—freezing our channel and publicly accusing us of “harassment and bullying,” when we have never done any such thing, and certainly not in the show their Dumb Bot Drones shot down and vilified with the Mark of Cain, “F.D.R. (F*ck Da Rich): After the Insurrection,” and which you can still see, uncensored and bully-free, on our site, Facebook and many other platforms—because there’s nothing bullying—or bullish—about it!

So, we emailed YouTube, received a Dumb Bot Drone response, and then magically (wink-wink), YouTube brought our channel back to life. But the show in question is still removed and if you click on it, there’s YouTube libeling us with false (and very silly) accusations of “harassment and bullying.”

We talked to a lawyer—and wow, rates are higher than I remember from my suing days—I won’t say who because I don’t want to defame him like Youtube defamed me. He didn’t find any “harassment” or “bullying” on the show (nobody does), but he still didn’t think we’d win our case in court. It was like he was YouTube’s lawyer. He’s not; that’s just how it seems since Google has all the rights, and we content producers have none at all.

I wish all of us could somehow unite and stick it to Google dba YouTube the way the Redditors stuck it to the Hedge Funders. It’s a similar situation: “Da Rich” get almost all the dough in the stock market and almost all the rights to free expression on Youtube, as they “limit” our ability to trade and speak, blithely and falsely accusing us (well, some of us) of “bullying.” 

The Rich—in this case the Big Tech Rich—are the real bullies.

Does that mean they excrete Bully-Shit? Certainly, their stonks stink, so dump ’em!

Since all these Big Tech Bullies are privately owned, we need the Internet version of public access TV, paid for but not controlled by the big social media platforms, just like the cable companies used to pay for but not control public access TV.

Biden Our Time

Good Bonobo News: The Biden Administration just paused a $23 billion transfer of fighter jets to the United Arab Emirates and a massive weapons sale—$519 million from Raytheon alone—to Saudi Arabia and other Gulf states. Let’s #gobonobos and make that “pause” permanent! 

I’m not crazy about some of Joe’s appointments, and I want to shackle him to a St. Andrew’s Cross and whip him (not too hard; it’s his first two weeks) for recognizing unelected pretender Juan Guaido as President of Venezuela. Hey Joe, we know you’re not into socialism, but how would you like it if Venezuelan President Maduro recognized the Trumpenstein as U.S. POTUS?

But I have to give Joe props on the above antiwar action and other positive moves on Climate Change, more humane immigration, against white supremacy and racism, for LGBTQ rights (being antiwar, I’m anti-military, but it’s nice that trans soldiers can be themselves again) and against Covid-19.

That last enemy is really pounding us in LA, currently Ground Zero for the Coronapocalypse, but maybe there’s an end in sight to this masked macabre nightmare, and when it really is over, we will have a big Corona Beer Orgy to celebrate here in Bonoboville.

V-Day Foreplay & My Upcoming “State of Sex” Address

Valentine’s Day is coming… in every sense of the word. Listen above or below to hear about all the V-Day sex toys, books, lingerie, erotica and other goodies to put you (or your honey) in the mood for some V-Day love in Dr. Block’s Pleasure Shoppe.

Problems with Your Valentine(s)? Problems due to no Valentine? For pre-V-Day Relationship Counseling, special Valentine sex, kink and cosplay in the Erotic Theater of the Mind and more heartfelt forms of phone sex therapy, call the Therapists Without Borders of the Dr. Susan Block Institute anytime: 213.291.9497. We’re here for you, whatever your problems, politics or erotic desires. A portion of all proceeds goes to help save the highly endangered bonobos from extinction. So, you can feel good… about feeling good.

And did you know that Valentine’s Day is also World Bonobo Day? Listen above or below to find out more.

Then again, you may prefer celebrating the original Valentine’s Day, Lupercalia. There’s a whole Lupercalia Story that I’ll be telling on F.D.R. over the next couple of shows, but basically, it involves horns (one reason for my qualified support for the QAnon Shaman) and whips.

Better to have your buns beaten—consensually—on Lupercalia than to have your heart broken—badly—on Valentine’s Day.

Need Valentine Foreplay inspiration? Now playing on our Live Page all week: Valentine Splosh, Sex & Love 2019 with one of those amazing orgiastic bacchanals we used to throw pre-pandemic. This one features the fabulous Lexi Lore, Eric John, Daniele Watts, RawkStar Chef Be*Live, Honey Dior, Tammie Parrott, Ikkor the Wolf, Brigitte Buchannan, Mother Tink, Fizzgig the Party Pup and more.  

Coming up: I will be on WCAP-AM 980 (that’s real live radio like I used to do!) in Lowell, Massachusetts with Hartley Pleshaw this Saturday, February 6, at noon EST which is 9am PST, so essentially, I will be asleep. But I talk in my sleep, sometimes more lucidly than I talk when awake, so it should be a good one.

Hartley has asked me to give a “State of Sex in America 2021” address, which feels like a very solemn responsibility. Hope I’m up to the task. I’m not even sure what a “State of Sex” address is. I guess it’s sort of like a State of the Union, but with orgasms… or eargasms (this is radio).

For more of our own inimitable eargasms, insights, fun and games on our F.D.R. Magic Train, listen above or below.

READ “Stocks, Cocks, But Please No Glocks!” on COUNTERPUNCH

January 30, 2021 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.