Length 01:28:37 Date: March 6, 2021

by Dr. Susan Block. 

Unicorns, squirting leprechauns and bonobos—oh my!

From the sapiosexual escapades of Rudy “Oozy” Giuliani’s lovely polyamorous daughter to the concerning complexities of Cuomosexuality… from the ballsy revelations of bonobo handshakes to why “Da Rich” better pay a “wealth tax” (with no loopholes!) or Da Rest of Us will just keep getting railroaded… this ride on the Love Train’s a little bumpy, but loads of fun, as we travel through the Tunnel of Love.

We also talk about top-down censorship vs. bottoms-up cancel culture vs. just-plain-old-awful prison (Free Julian Assange!); the baptismal delights of shamrock–squirting MILFs; the shared pleasures of smoking a double bubbler; horrible anti-Asian attacks in the Coronapocalypse; and Prince Maximilian Rudolph Leblovic di Lobkowicz di Filangieri, aka Capt’n Max’s exciting rediscovery of his long-lost relatives on the Filangieri side of his royal family (not all royals are so reprehensible).

But the jewel in the crown of our conversation is F.D.R.’s sexy celebrity of the week, Caroline Rose Giuliani—proud polyamorous, pansexual unicorn into ethical nonmonogamy and threesomes—whom I affectionately dub “Poly Giuliani.”

A Rose Among Thorns, and a UNICORN

I almost can’t believe I could feel affection for someone named “Giuliani.” But what a difference a generation makes.

Though her father is one of the more disgusting, dissembling, ridiculous and yes, ghoulish (BOOdy Ghouliani) clowns of the Trumpenstein Nightmare, Caroline Rose Giuliani seems pretty cool and very sexy. I don’t think it’s slut-shaming to call her “sexy,” but I guess that’s up to her… and cancel culture (which I have no interest in canceling).

She’d make a great sex therapist someday. Or maybe she’ll just go into politics

Over the course of our teasingly bumpy ride, I deliver dramatic readings and sexological analyses of Caroline ending her monogamous relationship (“my partner loved me despite my weird wildness, while I yearned to be with someone who loved me because of it”); searching for new nonmonogamous partners on “open-minded” dating sites like Feeld; sexting and then engaging in full-on (pre-pandemic) sex with a “Cuckqueen” (female cuckold) and the horny hubby who loves her (“the most engrossing sensation was feeling Oliver’s palpable love for Isabella flow through me,” writes Caroline); the inevitable slut-shaming that’s accompanied her emergence as pansexual; and the courage of her sexual convictions to stand strong, despite what some people (her Dad?) might say.

Actually, who cares what her Dad would say (probably something dumb and wrong)?

What we really want to know is, what do Caroline’s lovers say if and when they find out who her Dad is? Unfortunately, she doesn’t reveal that tidbit…

Interestingly, Papa Giuliani’s own *fluid* sexuality is on florid display in a 20-year-old video in which he’s fully and quite elaborately crossdressed, playing smoochy-face with none other than the Trumpus-as-a-Young-Jerk before slapping the handsy Pussy-Grabber’s smug kisser.

Rudy was also “nonmonogamous” throughout his three marriages (Caroline’s Mom, journalist/actress Donna Hanover, was Wife #2), though he didn’t identify as polyamorous; he was just cheating. I’d say that his daughter’s openness and honesty about her sexual “lifestyle” is several steps higher on the erotic ethics ladder than Dad’s infidelity.

Our lovely assistant Mariah happens to identify as polyamorous and has enjoyed the “unicorn” role, so she sincerely appreciates Caroline’s story. As for our F.D.R. train engineer Unscene Abe, he’s always intrigued by sexually adventurous women, as is Capt’n Max. Though I must say my darling Prime Mate is remarkably squeamish about the whole notion of “unicorns”—a name for the third party (usually female) in a threesome with a couple—mainly because of the telltale phallic shape of the unicorn horn, which he seems to be afraid will suddenly, somehow force its way between his extremely uptight and rather paranoid butt cheeks. I try to reassure him that not all unicorns wear strap-ons, and it’s all about consent anyway, but his sphincter remains in a higher state of vigilance than the Capitol police after the Riot.

Caroline says she really relishes being the human catalyst to a loving couple’s wild, but relatively safe erotic adventure. Sounds like a great mentality for a poly sex surrogate. Then again, with Caroline’s background, she probably doesn’t *have* to do sex work. Though she seems to have a deep appreciation for the power of Eros, and I think she’d make a great sex therapist someday. Or maybe she’ll just go into politics… and hopefully she’ll help to decriminalize sex work!

Bullying, Canceling, Censoring, Squirting!

Speaking of which, Max is also a lot more forgiving of Cuomosexual foibles than I am, but that may be partly because I don’t appreciate Cuomo’s rightwing politics. After all, I hated seeing Al Franken resign. Not that I was prepared to address any of this; I’ve been studiously attempting to ignore the Cuomo sex scandal(s). But it’s live radio, the “Theater of the Mind,” so I have to respond, probably putting my freshly pedicured foot squarely in my mouth. Cancel culture can hang me in the morning.

Honestly, I’m okay with that. “Cancel,” criticize and slut-shame me to your judgmental heart’s desire. Just don’t censor me.

Ha! Of course, Big Tech already does censor me—and you—regardless of what we say; it’s almost random. And they often libel you while they’re at it; from “The Firm” to YouTube, people in power love to slyly accuse those less powerful of “bullying” when it’s they that are bullying you.

Speaking of censorship, within minutes of my *release* from Facebook Jail where I was banished for 30 days due to a post from 2009, what appears on my profile but a photo of me in my Yale hat puffing away on a giant double bubbler with a sexy Elaina Raye dressed as an angel, complete with fuzzy white Velcro halo (from Sex & the Republican Brain in 2012). I feel like I must be violating my Facebook Jail probation in that picture, but I’m having too good a time to stop…

As the comic erotic insights and eargasms keep on flowing, making fun foreplay for our seasonable post-show extravaganza, Squirting St. Patty’s Eve (my apologies to the St. Paddy’s authenticity buffs for spelling it St. Patty on this 2013 show, but that was then, and I now vow to do better!), starring amazing “Geyser of Desire,” Deauxma.

And yes, it’s Holy Water, Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, nothing against a consensual golden shower, but this is the natural womanly miracle of female ejaculation.

It does a body good, boggles the mind and gives sustenance to the soul. Hallelujah!

Amen and AWOMEN.

Listen above or below.

March 6. 2021 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.