Length 01:28:27  Date: May 29, 2021

by Dr. Susan Block.   

Celebrating the climax of Masturbation Month, Memorial Day, Abe’s birthday and just another beautiful, sexy day in Bonoboville, the F.D.R. Self-Love Train takes its last ride of May 2021, making its final stop at Masturbation Station of this Masturbation Nation in our Wondrous Wanking World.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you should stop jacking or jilling off in June. Not at all! Any month’s a good month to give it a tug, and any day’s a great day to bring one home.

Mutual masturbation is also a fine—and friendly!—way to celebrate the season, as Capt’n Max and I discover again (and again!) on the morning of this live broadcast.

Memorializing the Victims of America’s Wars Abroad & @ Home

It’s kind of weird that our M Month finale always falls on Memorial Day weekend; between starting on May Day, with Mother’s Day and an international crisis in the middle—won’t May ever leave us alone to just tickle the pickle or finger-paint in peace?

Well, we’ve done our diddling best all month to keep you monkey-spanking and plank-yanking in shameless joy with sapiosexual carnal knowledge, Brothers and Sisters, even on Memorial Day. Yes indeed, manhandle those hot dogs, boys, and mash those potatoes with gravy, ladies!

Here we are trying to open the world back up, and the damn ammosexuals are trying to shoot it up.

For most of us, Memorial Day is all about the barbecue, but it’s supposed to be a requiem for the dead—the people who have been barbecued in America’s Perma-Wars.  The American dead, that is.  The other dead can get their own requiem, right?  Memorial Day is for America’s dead soldiers. The “complex” origins of the holiday in the American South may have been to honor the Confederate dead of the Civil War. Then it was revamped as “Decoration Day” for the Union side, but Memorial Day may have originally honored American defenders of slavery. That ought to remind us that our military “fallen” aren’t always fighting for a noble cause.

Moreover, we really should also mourn the far greater numbers of human beings our devastatingly lethal—yet more and more ineffective—U.S./IDF Military Industrial Complex (MIC) has murdered, maimed and ruined in service of the multi-national corporations of our Masturbation Nation.

Yes, with great sorrow, I include the Israeli “Defense” Force (IDF) in the American MIC.  Shemah Yisrael (Hear O Israel), let us join together to put a stop to the ongoing atrocities of America’s Israel Project that are such a tragedy for Palestinians as well as for Jewish people around the world. Let’s bring all American soldiers home and cut our obscene $700 billion+ “Defense” budget down to actual defense of this *great* Masturbation Nation, and then let’s spend the hundreds of billions we save on providing for the peacetime needs of the American people.

And shouldn’t we also grieve the dead of America’s escalating war at home—the multiple individual and mass murders on the killing fields of supermarkets, sanctuaries, workplaces (the other day in a rail yard), school rooms and massage parlors? These are casualties of the war we’ve brought home from the other wars through our veterans with PTSD, many retaining the ammosexual mentality drummed into them from boot camp through discharge and beyond, walking among us, fully armed and ready to explode at the least provocation. Others are now police officers wielding the MIC’s hand-me-down weapons of war to police their neighbors. And it’s not *just* veterans. With the constant gore-drenched media assault upon all of our senses, including our common sense, blasting clickbait headlines and images of violence, rape, murder and war—real and cartoon—we’ve all got PTSD, and there’s no vaccine against violence. So, on this Memorial Day, we also memorialize the victims of the police and civilian gun wars in America. It’s dismaying, but just as we seem to be emerging from the Coronapocalypse (fingers crossed), the violence pandemic seems to be getting worse.

Here we are trying to open the world back up, and the damn ammosexuals are trying to shoot it up. PLEASE go back inside.

Now, once you’re safely inside, please relax, lay down your arms, wiggle your fingers, and shoot the gun between your legs!

Try slathering on some Gun Oil lube for an extra trigger-happy treat.  You could even use a bullet, as long as it’s a bullet vibrator.

Whether your particular nation condemns masturbation as a sin or just calls anyone who does it a  “sex addict,” we all do it, at least sometimes (or even several times an hour!).  We are One World in Wanking. 

On this Memorial Day 2021, we also take to moment to memorialize the Indigenous children killed by European settlers and missionaries. Recently, the remains of 215 children were discovered, which means there are certainly many more, in the  former Kamloops Residential School for Indigenous students up in British Columbia. At least, 150,000 “First Nation” indigenous children were separated from their parents and forced into these schools run by Christian Churches from the 1840s to the 1990s in Canada. Kamloops was run by the Oblates of Mary Immaculate from 1892 to 1969, then the Canadian government took over and shut down in 1978. In 2008, the Canadian government formally apologized for the residential school system that so harmed First Nations tribes and, after this last sickening discovery, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau apologized again. Now First Nation leaders are asking for the Pope (Francis) to apologize. And wasn’t the treatment of indigenous tribes just south of the border in the U.S. of A. just as bad, if not worse?

It’s tough to end these corporate Perma Wars and the inequity of wealth and fair treatment, but we must “keep on truckin’” and trying… and masturbating. I’m sure Karl Marx masturbated, as did Groucho. It’s part of what it means to be human, and to accept it in ourselves and others is part of what it means to be humane.  Yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners of all Masturbation Nations around the world: Whether your particular nation condemns masturbation as an evil sin or just calls anyone who does it a pathetic “sex addict,” we all do it, at least sometimes (or even several times an hour!).  We are One World in Wanking. 

Amen and Awomen.

And yes, I already know that the declarative Abrahamic term “Amen” isn’t about actual men; it’s from the Biblical Hebrew, more properly pronounced “Aw-Mayn” or “Ah-Mein.” However, we Americans say “Amen,” so I say “Awomen,” and I’ve been saying it since the 1990s (when my “Irreverend Dr. Susan Block of the Church of the Bonobo Way” was inspired by a saucy, sexed-up combo of two polar Christian opposites, Dr. Martin Luther King and Dr. Gene Scott), though I don’t mind that they used it in Congress without giving me credit. Spread the Good Word in every House of Love, Government and Prayer: Amen and Awomen.

On a comic/tragic note, we even memorialize the victims of these ”gender reveal” parties which at worst, ignite your community in a deadly fire, and at best, give your future kid a complex about their gender.

RIP Loving “Love Boat” Capt’n Gavin MacLeod

We also hold a little memorial for a Captain who, though he served in the U.S. Air Force, is better known for steering his ship toward romance than battle. That ship would be “The Love Boat,” and that Captain would be actor Gavin MacLeod who just left us for oceans beyond Earth at the age of 90.

I interviewed Gavin MacLeod in 2015 at the Hollywood Show. We had a great little chat about how both “The Love Boat” and Jesus’ love changed his life. We also talked up his book, This is Your Captain Speaking; his fabulous recurring guest, the Latina Mae West, ‘60s sexpot Charo (as PewPewDeez on Reddit reminds us, Charo “plays flamenco guitar like a damn beast”); his marriage, divorce and re-marriage (through Jesus!); and his intense Evangelical Christianity.

“There are three people in this marriage,” he informed me: himself, his wife and Jesus. Wow, what a polyamorous Holy Trinity. And in the next breath, he was telling me he liked my skirt, my top and my style, and he’d been watching me walk around the floor all afternoon. All in good fun, of course! I enjoyed it; I’m just a sucker for a quasi-Casanova in a Captain’s hat.

Unfortunately, Capt’n Gavin’s apostles—I mean sanctimonious hyper-Christian PR people—didn’t agree and asked my Captain (Max) and me to take it down. Of course, we didn’t, but we did write them a very nice email explaining why we weren’t going to let their hypocritical sensibilities censor our work, quoting Jesus’ excellent advice to “judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1). So, this *controversial* interview is still up for your viewing pleasure and “Love Boat” nostalgia.

We don’t think Gavin himself wanted us to take the video down, or he would have asked (we had been in touch via Twitter), and he didn’t. We think he loved seeing it online almost as much as he loved our flirtatious little Charo-esque interlude. I’m sad he’s gone, though no doubt he led a full life—from cruise orgies to Church socials—on the high seas of the human experience. Bon Voyage Capt’n Gavin. Enjoy your next trip!

Eat, Cheat or Beat Your Meat?

Speaking of my Captain, I try to tone down the eargasmic vocalizations during our big Mutual Masturbation Month climax the morning of this live broadcast.  We aren’t quite as loud as last week. I don’t want to sound like the cicadas…

And speaking of insects, did you see Toad Cruz eating flies? Apparently, the name “Cancun Cruz” was too classy for him, and he’s so full of shit, he’s attracting flies. Was that Mike Pence’s fly he ate? We discuss…

Speaking of eating, a Redditor asks “Is Eating Cheating?” and, even though it’s not on the menu for the Self-Love Train ride, we discuss and ultimately decide that yes (in my opinion), eating is cheating—though not grounds for impeachment. For more about that, see my Coup de Twat Chronicals from the Trials of Billy Jeff.

Of course, some folks think phone sex is cheating, and I don’t, so it’s really up to the people involved.

Some super prudes even think beating is cheating. It’s true that the longest-term love affair you’ll ever have with anyone is the one you have with yourself, but if that’s adultery, we should all wear the Scarlet “A” on our rosy palms.

Masturbation Not Occupation!

The perfect companion to our current themes, our post-show throwback is Masturbation Not Occupation, the climax of the M Month 2013, featuring the folks from AntiWar.com with whom we talk about Obama’s terrible drone fetish and the unconscionable incarceration (at the time) of Chelsea Manning (then Bradley Manning). Chelsea’s now free, thank Goddess, but Julian Assange is still in prison under terrible conditions. That, in and of itself, is a type of illegal and immoral “occupation” of an innocent journalist’s life whose only “crime” was to expose the truth about American war crimes.

Free Julian Assange!

Masturbation Not Occupation also features an amazing array of musicians, politicians, comedians, hookers and porn stars. But there’s always a show-stealer and this one is our friend Amanda Blow’s friend Brittany Blaze.  We hadn’t seen blazing Brittany since she drank Amanda’s champagne on our Halloween 2011 Night of the Masturbating Dead.  She still loves golden showers, but on Masturbation Not Occupation,  she doesn’t pee.  She squirts!  It’s quite a suspenseful but ultimately spectacular squirting performance, as befits the DrSuzy.tv climax to Masturbation Month.  It’s also dedicated to our troops, since Brittany isn’t exactly “anti-war.”  Eschewing all vibrators, Brittany grabs the biggest phallic object she can find: our gigantic black Flash Brown dong. Size queens and interracial sex lovers: Enjoy!  Thrashing among the pillows, she frantically teases her clit while penetrating herself with Mr. Brown’s prodigious surrogate. Then Mo the Monster, in a suit, ascends the stage to give the dong a push and a pull, and before we can say “Merry Masturbation Month!” Brittany is blazing a geyser of pure, crystal-clear female ejaculate.  Unlike America’s perma-wars, Brittany’s battle does have an ending—a very happy, victorious one, baptizing me, my other guests and my cameraman in her Holy Water.

After my attempt at eloquence on the subject of female ejaculation, Max adds helpfully that having intercourse with me while I’m squirting feels “like you peed in your pants.”

For that, I have to call him “Mr. Peepee Pants.” And to think that one of the reasons I fell in love with him is because he’s so romantic.

Well, another reason is his sense of humor.

Cougars & DomCon!

As we get ready to leave our solo-sex Womb Rooms and private Beanstalk Gardens for a hot in-person Summer of Love, we break out into more “mature,” interpersonal forms of erotic expression with my new Cougar Sexuality Manifesto.

https://drsusanblockinstitute.com/cougar-sexuality

Check out the great stories, tips, warnings, jokes and reflections on the meaning of Cougar and cub through history, mythological, fantasy and modern reality.

We’re also excited to finally get out of Bonoboville (though to be honest, the Captain and I have enjoyed our quarantine) for DomCon 2021 where I’ll be Mistress of Ceremonies.

Don’t miss it!

It will be fun to interact in person, though we’ll probably continue to physically distance and wear our sexy masks. That’s fine; DomCon Dommes and subs, Cougars and cubs, often wear sexy masks anyway. The physical distancing will be more challenging, especially while delivering an OTK spanking. But Cougars and kinksters will always find ways to get wild while staying safe.

Max tells part of the story of his first Cougar encounters as a teenage cub at the beach on the Italian Riviera. But we’re running out of time, so you’ll have to tune in next week for part two… and three!

Happy Birthday Abe!

As we wind up the live broadcast, Ana brings out a very gooey “Happy Birthday Abe” chocolate cake, with a big “29” in flaming candles, and we all sing “Happy Birthday Abe” as Chico barks along.

Unscene Abe is looking very stylish in his birthday suit. No, he’s not naked. He’s literally in a suit. Chico likes his tie.

The Birthday Dude (at 29, you’re too old to be a “Birthday Boy”), aka Abraham, Bonoboville’s awesome webmaster, IT guy and F.D.R. engineer, aims to be even more stylish by dying his hair “cotton candy pink” to “cover the grey.” Ah, the creative challenges of being on the cusp of wild and risk-loving youth, taking that train into the more measured pleasures of middle age.

With gracious Coronapocalyptic consideration, Abe “blows” out his candles with a fan, so we don’t get his droplets on our icing. Of course, the fan probably blows an array of dust particles and soot all over the cake, but that’s okay, it’s chocolate!

June Honeymoon

Before we leave the merry Masturbation Month of May 2021, I deliver the last of the 8 Great Virtues of Masturbation. Virtues? Absolutely. Because self-pleasure doesn’t *just* feel good; it is good for you.  

It’s been a great self-pleasure-filled ride through May all around our wonderful, wacky, wanking (though all too often ammosexual) Masturbation Nation on F.D.R.

Now let’s hop on the Love Train for a June honeymoon!

May 30. 2021 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.