Length 01:31:17  Date: May 1, 2021

by Dr. Susan Block. 

It’s a trifecta of fiestas (if you’re tuned in live): May Day, International Workers Day, and the first sacred self-loving day of Masturbation Month 2021.

Yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, Wankers and Monkey-Spankers, Workers of the World—and that includes Sex Workers—Unite!

Smash your chains (unless you’re into bondage)! Break out the Maypoles, Hitachi Magic Wands, Communist Manifestos and lube!

It’s also almost Cinco de Mayo, so break out the salsa (just don’t confuse the lube with the salsa)!

Feliz Masturbación de Mayo!

In honor of it all, Capt’n Max, Mariah, Unscene Abe, our Bonoboville comrades and I take a leisurely, bonoboësque, sapiosexual “party ride” on the Love Train, picking up self-pleasure-positive passengers on various platforms, like Reddit, Facebook and Youtube, along with six-time “Most Well-Rounded Kinkster” SUZY award-winning MFA and “hot art teacher,” Rhiannon Aarons, on Clubhouse (brand new for F.D.R).

Chatting, puffing and sipping those holiday spirits in the Speakeasy Bar Car, we share tales of first-time masturbation experiences (ME) along with “last time” ME, i.e., our most recent self-pleasure orgasms which, in some cases, happened just before the show!

We also share the Origin Stories for all three sexy Springy holidays. The oldest is May Day, rising up like a joyously erect Maypole from the prehistoric Floralia, the Greek festival of Flora, along with the other “Party Gods” of Spring, Aphrodite, Dionysus and Pan… because who doesn’t love La Primavera?

It’s also the quintessential Fuck Da Rich (F.D.R.) Fest. In 1889, May Day was declared to be International Workers’ Day by the Socialists and Communists of the Second International in Paris to commemorate Chicago’s “Haymarket Affair” in early May, the climax of the “Great Upheaval” of American workers against the horrible working conditions provided by the Robber Barons of the Industrial Revolution… because hell yeah, Fuck Dose Rich!

Wankers of the World Unite

As for marvelous Masturbation Month, it was invented in 1996 by my late great mentor, Dr. Betty Dodson, along with the good folks at Good Vibrations, to honor the wisdom and courage of former U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders. Answering a question after her 1994 UN speech, Dr. Elders said public school sex education programs could teach that masturbation is a safe sex option and a normal part of human sexuality.

Instead of being applauded for that excellent off-the-cuff response as she should have been, she was fired by the man who hired her, none other than sax-fingering, I-did-not-have-sex-with-that-woman President Bill Clinton. I’ve always supported Bill for getting a consensual blowjob without losing his day job, but I’ve never forgiven him for “firing the surgeon general” (now slang for jacking off). If only Bill had listened to Dr. J’s advice instead of spilling his presidential seed all over that blue dress, the devastating climax of the blowjob heard round the world, George W. Bush might not have assumed the position that ruined not just a dress, but two countries, that we’re still, as of this writing, ruining.

See why self-pleasure is so important—not just to you—but to the world?

So, go bonobos and give yourself a hand. Celebrate the month of May…  

I know, for most of us, every month is Masturbation Month, and every day is Diddle Day, and for some, every hour is Onan hour. However, like Women’s History Month honors Women’s History in March, Black History Month honors Black History in February, and Kink Month honors kink in October, the merry Masturbation Month of May is a time to honor and extol the five-finger knuckle shuffle, jerkin’ the gherkin, polishin’ the pearl, jack off, jill off, pound the bank, dance around the Maypole!

Masturbation can be funny, partly because it’s still cloaked in shame, fear of religious reprisal and abject embarrassment (haha), but also because laughter is a mental orgasm, and a good jack-off joke is a Hitachi Magic Wand to the brain.

Spring brings life, but death is never far away, and so we say farewell to a generous patron of Capt’n Max’s Brentwood Bla Bla, real estate billionaire and “venture philanthropist” Eli Broad, who passed away at 87.  The next day, we say another sad good-bye to Lori the Parrot, who had been saved by Chico, Ana and Miguel, though just for a few more precious days of life in our temporary home we call Earth. Speaking of earthy matters, Rhiannon talks about tending the grave of Bettie Page, one of the first objects of Max’s masturbatory affections, and one of our most memorable interviews on DrSuzy.Tv.

Rhiannon and I also reminisce about some of her more notable DrSuzy.Tv appearances, including that Kink Month show when she and I had a threesome with a big phallic green gourd named Gourdy.

Between eargasms, we take a minute to mock the rightwing recall movement against California Governor Gavin Newsom. We’re not big Gavin fans, but between Caitlin Jenner hit-and-running and Friday Night at the French Laundry’s KABC crackpots, it’s gotten beyond silly. Newsom’s ill-advised French Laundry dinner is kind of like Clinton’s bad-judgment blowjob. Newsom should have dined at home, and Clinton should have masturbated alone. Still, that was no reason for Clinton to be impeached, nor is it a reason for Newsom to be recalled. Human frailties just aren’t as big a deal as bad policies.

Give Yourself a Hand

Join us for the eargasmic live radio broadcast, then stick around for our sizzling post-show throwback, “Masturbation Month Kickoff 2016,” featuring super sexy Savannah Fyre who is now Alana Cruise. An all-natural real-life MILF and psychology grad, into Sex at Dawn and bonobos, Alana kicks off the Mmmm Month with a bang, an orgasm and a sparkling Spring squirt. We also indulge in a particularly boobalicious Bonoboville Communion, and I present the 8 Great Virtues of Masturbation.

Virtues? Masturbation?

For centuries, masturbation has been denigrated as “self-abuse.” However, more and more, we are calling it what it is: self-pleasure. It feels good. And it is good. But what is it good for? Listen and learn…

One very current virtue of masturbation revolves around the very current Coronapocalypse—which appears to be almost over… but not quite yet. So, go get vaxxed (don’t be a Backpedaling Joe Rogaine), wear your sexy masks indoors, maybe venture into a little dating, but remember: Until we’re out of this Corona-tastrophe, the safest sex—and one of the best uses of your time—is doing the two-finger tango.

You know what to do. You’re your own longest-term lover, after all.

And a very Merry Masturbation Month to all you ammosexuals strutting around with semi-automatic weapons because you can’t find your dicks—whether you have a badge or not. Why not stop strutting, slow down, relax, grasp your ammo and shoot the gun between your legs?

Or set off the grenade between your labia. Hartley Pleshaw (who interviewed me for WCAP AM Active Radio) tagged me on a photo of a dildo shaped like grenade. It’s Da Bomb!  

Hey, it’s Masturbation Month: You Do You.

Usually, that means you’re by yourself, but you don’t have to be. Mutual masturbation—touching yourself as your partner(s) touches themselves or manually stimulating your partner(s) as they manually stimulate you—is a great way to celebrate the Stroking Season, as Capt’n Max and I have often testified.

Fellow Yalie Garry Trudeau (whose daughter Rickie sang with Whim ‘n’ Rhythm in Bonoboville) calls masturbation “self-dating.”  Actually, it’s his Doonesbury character of Zonker that says that and, though it’s a joke, it has the ring of fapping truth to it, especially for those of us who have spent many an enjoyable, if not terribly romantic evening of dinner and a movie… and a nice self-activated orgasm.

So… Make a date with someone you love this month, even if that someone is you.

Do it for yourself. Do it for all of us. Let’s all do it together. Wankers of the World Unite!

© May 1, 2021 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.