Bedside Chat #6: Masturbation Month Kickoff 2020
Length 1:33:15 Date: May 2, 2020
by Dr. Susan Block.
What a way to activate the merry Masturbation Month of May: with a couple of hot “professional masturbators” (porn star Brianna Brooks and “cumedian” Allie Awesome), two Motorbunnies, three Hitachi Magic Wands, several other sex toys, true solo-sex confessions, sapiosexual conversation, Coronapocalyptic revelations, a Cinco de Mayo celebration, lots of laughs and several heart-pounding orgasms!
Sorry for a few technical difficulties, but we even manage to turn them into comedy gold mixed with steamy self-pleasure and stimulating surprises.
Merry Masturbation Month 2020!
From FDR’s Fireside to My Bedside
Speaking of fires, we sure do light some raging flames in our quarantined panties to kick off the Merry Meat-Beating, Salad-Tossing, Turkey-Slapping, Jello-Jiggling, Monster-Mashing Month of May.
Yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, Wankers and Monkey-Spankers…
If there was ever a year to celebrate Masturbation Month, this is it!
After all, most of us are locked up in our rooms right now, and with all the rules and recommendations about staying six feet apart, having sex with someone else is challenging (if not impossible), unless you’re sheltering-in-place together.
Photos: Harry Sapien
Until we’re out of this Corona-tastrophe, the safest sex—and one of the best uses of your time—is doing the two-finger tango.
Feliz Masturbación de Mayo!
And (as always happens at the start of the “M” Month) it’s coming up on Cinco de Mayo.
¡Viva La Raza!
When I lived in Philly, New Haven, New York or San Francisco, I’d never even heard of this quintessential Mexican holiday. Then I rolled down to SoCal and everyone was all about it, Mexican or not. It might even be more “not” than actual Mexicans, since most people in Mexico don’t celebrate it. Not unless they’re in Puebla, the epicenter of Cinco de Mayo, which commemorates that province’s miraculous victory over the much larger, better-equipped French forces of Napoleon III on May 5th (of course), 1862.
I don’t know much more about it than that, except that, like St. Patrick’s Day, it’s a great excuse to get drunk and—if the saints are smiling upon you—get lucky.
It’s also a good excuse to get decked out in salsa-red and guacamole green.
For both physical and spiritual protection, I’m wearing a Mexican flag bandana mask and the Virgen de Guadalupe bracelet that Ana gave me last year when I was gasping for breath in the emergency room, fighting pneumonia and other symptoms of Coronavirus, without actually having Coronavirus.
At least, I don’t think I had Coronavirus. But there’s so much confusion and misinformation going around about this dreadful super-germ, I’m not sure.
Honoring Mexican art history, Sunshine’s rocking her Frida Kahlo earrings.
Speaking of rocking, I’m actually rumbling along in place on the Motorbunny through pretty much this entire show… though after I come, I turn off the motor.
Well, you know what month it is!
Mix Masturbation Month and Cinco de Mayo in a cross-cultural blender, and you’ve got Masturbation de Mayo.
Si, hermanos y hermanas…
¡Viva la Masturbación!
Self-Pleasure is Your Job
As a soldier on the front lines of the war against the COVID-19, your patriotic duty is to sit on your booty.
Personally, I’ve got my own booty firmly planted on the ‘Bunny.
Your mission: stay away from pretty much everybody.
Except Randy the Hand.
Of course, that better be a very-well-washed, thoroughly disinfected, albeit handy Randy the Hand.
“Now when you lay on your couch, indulgently jacking or jilling off, you’re not just a useless wanker. You’re a responsible citizen; a cum-decorated soldier in the viral war against humanity and other mammals.”
If you have a military fetish, you can think of Randy, your dildo or turbo-charged vibrator as your weapon.
Once your weaponry is in place, fire away.
What a glorious feeling, and what a good deed for your community.
Now when you lay on your couch, indulgently jacking or jilling off, you’re not just a useless wanker. You’re a responsible citizen; a cum-decorated soldier in the viral war against humanity and other mammals.
Shooting the gun between your legs is a billion times more honorable than trying to compensate for your sexual insecurities by brandishing a real gun as you storm government buildings in the midst of a deadly pandemic because your favorite shooting gallery is closed.
Hello to all you ammosexuals strutting around with semi-automatic weapons because you can’t find your dicks… Merry Masturbation Month!
Stay the fuck home, people! If you don’t *believe* in COVID-19, you might want to avoid those gigantic murder hornets now invading America.
Add that to the Plague of Locusts consuming Africa, and there’s no wonder we’re using Biblical terms like Coronapocalypse to describe 2020.
Of course, if those gun-toting Michigan “protesters” were people of color, they’d all be in jail, and some would be shot dead.
Meanwhile, in Puerto Rico, the protestors are bringing food for the hungry as they protest their colonialist government’s lack of care for the poor. Guess which protestors got arrested? Yes, the gentle, food-sharing Puerto Ricans, not the rifle-swinging Michigan militias.
Naturally, the people of Bonoboville supporthe caregivers. That includes supporting their sexuality, as long as it’s consensual and safe.
Right now, nothing’s safer than masturbation.
And right now, our current Presidunce should just shut the fuck up, stay the fuck home and, with meatpacking workers dying of COVID-19, he should set an example: stop eating those meaty Macs and just beat his own meat.
I’m sure at this point, Melania won’t even touch that mushroom peepee, and the surveillance is too high to just “grab ‘em by the pussy” like he used to.
It’s not just tRump. Every U.S. President should masturbate regularly, as demonstrated by my Masturbation Month History Lesson, honoring former U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Joycelyn Elders, fired for recommending masturbation education by Bill Clinton—who, of all people, should have taken her advice.
In Masturbation Month, we honor self-pleasure. I know, for most of us, every month is Masturbation Month, and every day is Diddle Day, and for some, every hour is Onan hour.
However, like Women’s History Month honors Women’s History in March, and Black History Month honors Black History in February, and Kink Month honors kink in October, the merry Masturbation Month of May is a time to honor and extol the five-finger knuckle shuffle, jerkin’ the gherkin, polishin’ the pearl, jack off, jill off, pound the bank, dance around the Maypole!
It’s even a time to testify (which shares the same Latin root as “testicles”), to say, “Lord (or Lady), I masturbate and I am not ashamed!”
Photos: Harry Sapien
And that’s exactly what we do on this show.
Awesome Allie Awesome
Indeed, Allie Awesome identifies as a “professional masturbator,” as she plays with her beautiful not-so-private-parts to earn an honest living as a camgirl.
She’s also a comedian, or as she cleverly construes it, a “cumedian.”
The folks at YNOT agree, having nominated Allie for “Funniest Camgirl” of 2019.
I love her whimsical humor mixed with hot sex.
I’ve long said, “Laughter is a mental orgasm,” and good comedy is a Hitachi Magic Wand for the brain.
Though some people feel jokes ruin their arousal. Usually (but not always), these unfortunate folks are insecure men who think female comics challenge their masculinity.
It helps that Allie isn’t one of those obsessive jokesters who can’t stop wisecracking. She’s just naturally “goofy” (her word) in a way that makes you laugh and come, perhaps simultaneously.
I call her the Jennifer Aniston of Cam Sex.
When I ask her role model, she replies Dr. Carol Queen, who just happens to be one of the original members of the Good Vibrations collective that started Masturbation Month, along with my own role model and mentor, Dr. Betty Dodson.
True Confession: Raised in a strict Catholic household (her first career goal was to be a nun), Allie didn’t even masturbate until she was in her twenties when a boyfriend suggested she try it (smart guy!).
Since then, she essentially hasn’t stopped, except for meals, bathroom breaks and to adjust her webcam.
“I’m making up for lost time,” she explains.
Testify, Sister Allie!
A call comes in from one of her colleagues, “Lark,” a fellow camgirl, who wonders, “How often does she masturbate just for herself?”
Right off the bat, Lark confesses that she’s so busy camming, she doesn’t have the time or inclination to rub one out for her own pleasure.
The camera can be such a demanding and even jealous lover.
Allie insists that she enjoys both, getting into it for herself when she’s alone and doing more of a Performance Jill-Off for the fans.
To show us what she means, she goes to plug in her Motorbunny.
I turn up my own vibrations, excited at the prospect of dueling Motorbunnies.
Then, just as I’m ready to race, Allie’s camera goes dark.
Aaarrrgggghh… Masturbation Interruptus!
Box-Banging Beauty Brianna Brooks
Fortunately, we have another great guest who also happens to be a sexy funny blonde “professional masturbator,” standing by.
Not that beautiful Brianna Brooks and Allie Awesome are interchangeable.
But they could easily be sisters.
J-Lo, eat your heart out; Brianna puts on the moves.
She still has a day job in the construction industry which, in the Coronapocalypse, has been deemed “essential.”
So out she goes every day, five days a week, wearing a mask. Then in she comes, taking off the mask and freeing her pretty smile for her webcam fans.
Unlike late bloomer Allie, Bri’s been blooming and butterin’ her muffin since she was quite young.
So have Sunshine and I, we chime in (me since I was two, touching my “private parts”—for comfort more than arousal—being one of my earliest memories).
And no to all you sanctimonious perverts out there, we’re most definitely not trying to sexualize children. It’s just that humans are sexual creatures from the moment we’re born. Some of us are even sexual—and masturbating—in utero.
Then, just as Bri reclines luxuriously into her favorite masturbation position (lying down on her back) for petting the kitty, suddenly her sound cuts out.
Talk about terrible timing!
The Bonoboville tech team goes into overdrive to try to figure out which of 12,000 possible things is now going wrong, as Bri continues masturbating, oblivious to the fact we can’t hear her.
She probably can’t hear us.
Well, she looks fantastic, her boobs bouncing, her thighs spread lasciviously, one leg up, her mouth open as she moans or gasps or screams… who knows? We can’t hear her…
Then suddenly, I hear moaning and gasping and screaming.
It doesn’t exactly sound like Brianna, though it’s in perfect timing with her movements, so it must be her… or is it?
Turns out it’s her masturbation sister: Allie!
Yes indeed, our tech problems have woven themselves together like a psychedelic tapestry. We can see Bri, but we can’t hear her, and we can hear Allie, but we can’t see her. So, Allie—awesome cumedian that she is—does an improvisational voiceover for Brianna masturbating.
Who said masturbation is a lonely act?
This is team work in the best bonoboesque sense.
Online Onan Orgy
Finally we get everything working.
Now we can see and hear both Allie and Brianna.
Besides us three hot blondes, we are blessed with a brunette, Sunshine, bringing her favorite masturbation toy, a slim violet vibrator, to the Mmmm Month party.
With all these well-equipped “professional masturbators” on cam, I decide to orchestrate a group climax to kick off the most socially important Masturbation Month ever.
Photos: Harry Sapien
Let’s go loco!
I crank up my Motorbunny and wow-wow-wow… I’m not sure if my guests are really coming or fabulous fakes (they are pros).
I do know that I have a big orgasm that pretty much knocks me off my ‘Bunny.
I have a tendency to close my eyes as I come, which isn’t a great idea for the host of the show, even if it’s a sexuality show.
So I try to force my eyes open as I tumble down the tunnel of climax.
At least, I’m blinking a lot.
As I go down, I see flashes of titties, pussy and big smiles, and I hear howls of pleasure, so I’m pretty sure my guests are having a good time, each in her own quarantine.
I also know my tech is working which gives me the reassurance I need to relax and release.
Allie seems to be laughing as she comes, which she had earlier identified as one of her cumedic goals in life.
What a spectacular Jill-Off Orgy!
Now it’s your turn.
Since the John-in-Chief is showing his repulsive sexual hypocrisy by refusing to provide COVID-19 relief or loans to sex workers, these ladies could use your financial patronage.
Photos: Harry Sapien
Best of all, it’s not “charity”; you just pay for a webcam session, and you’re doing your part to help out.
And it’s the perfect time to do it: Masturbation Month.
Give yourself the gift of self-pleasure this monkey-spanking month of May, and book a webcam date with Brianna and/or Allie.
They’re worth it… and so are you.
Virtues of Self-Love
In between technical glitches, we extol the virtues of sex-for-one.
For centuries, masturbation has been denigrated as “self-abuse.”
However, more and more, we are calling it what it is: self-pleasure. It feels good. And it is good. But what is it good for?
Listen above or watch below as we describe the 8 Great Benefits of Masturbation.
Special thanks to Sunshine, Ana (who happens to be Guatemalan, but looks like a Mexican Muslim in her red, green and white head scarf and shawl), Miguel and Capt’n Max for their “professional” display of the cards, while maintaining proper physical distancing (sort of).
I came up with the original Great Eight many Masturbation Months ago in what seems like a different time.
Not only was Corona just another beer then, tRump was just another blowhard fake billionaire.
Now that we’re all thrust on the frontlines of the Coronavirus War, with no grand Cinco de Mayo finale in sight, isolation is the name of the game, and masturbation is a libidinous lifeline for many of us.
Photos: Harry Sapien
So I created a ninth benefit especially for the Coronapocalypse, and that is “Masturbation: Best Sex in Isolation.”
As my fellow Yalie, Doonesbury creator Garry Trudeau (whose daughter Rickie sang with Whim ‘n’ Rhythm in Bonoboville) puts it—especially poignantly for single people who aren’t hooking up these days—masturbation is just “self-dating.”
Make a date with someone you love tonight… even if that someone is you!
Before we can say “Was it good for you?” it’s time to wind up the show and salsa into our Bonoboville Cinco de Mayo fiesta, such as it is.
Let’s just say in quarantine, it’s easier to siesta than fiesta, especially with masks on.
Well, we do our best.
Ana’s delicious salt-rimmed margaritas help.
So do her tacos and guacamole.
Just in case you don’t know, “mutual masturbation” can mean touching yourself as your partner(s) touches themselves or it can mean manually stimulating your partner(s) as they manually stimulate you.
We do both… to great climactic effect.
Feliz Masturbación de Mayo!
© May 2, 2020 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.
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