by Dr. Susan Block.  

The Queen is Dead. Goddess Save the Queens!  And a Happy Self-Love September to all who mourn, celebrate or simply don’t give a fig.

As the Love Train rolls out of the second Elizabethan Era into the Imperial Unknown, we receive the news that Queen Lizzie’s dead… and wonder if her great, gaudy and historically very bloody monarchy will likewise be laid to rest.

9/11, the Emmys, the HEAT!

We also commemorate the 21^st anniversary of 9/11, that horrific yet surreally cinematic castration of America’s tallest Towers of Power, Dick I and Dick II, whose destruction served as two mega doses of Viagra for America’s Military-Industrial Complex, jacking up G.W. Bush’s self-proclaimed Wars on Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan that turned into modern “crusades” and devastating losses for everyone (except the war industries) still felt to this day.

So many clowns, no Big Top is big enough for them all, so they are running and shooting through the streets.

Also along the railroad track: the Emmys (we didn’t win; sex-positive TV never does); the sweltering pre-Fall Equinox SoCal heat wave (105 degrees in the shade); the ongoing war in Ukraine (though Ukraine seems to be *winning* and we’re cautiously hopeful); and the never-ending Trump Crime Family Circus continuing their performance of “The Greatest Grift on Earth,” juggling Top Secret documents, leaping through fiery lies to fundraise from their loyal suckers, and inciting armies of clowns, many of them heavily armed and dangerous. So many clowns, no Big Top is big enough for them all, so they are running and shooting through the streets.

In other Trumpty Dumpty Clown News: Twitter has cited Sir Donald, Baron of Bullshittery, grabbing the Queen’s headlines, even in death, to post, “I never told anybody but she knighted me in private.” He makes it sound like a secret sex act. And now that she’s dead, she can’t cry, “Fake News,” though a “private knighting” wouldn’t even be valid.  Sigh. Too bad it’s not remotely true because if it was, the Bullshit Baron couldn’t run for U.S. President.

Celebrating Self-Love September with Bob

But not all news is bad or fake. The good true news is that it’s Self-Love September 2022, and we’re celebrating with all our fingers and toys!

Topping off the festivities is “Bob” calling in from the Great Self-Loving State of Oregon with some questions about his personal, solo sex activities, wondering if it’s “okay” for him to relax and stroke it all day, holding back most of the time, releasing every few hours.

Celebrate Self-Love September with this Sexy Throwback!

Of course, we think it’s perfectly fine, especially since he’s single, disabled and not hurting anybody. It’s also healthy and a lot eco–friendlier than most people’s hobbies. I even teach Bob a new word for how he postpones ejaculation: “edging.” And we’re all very impressed that at the age of 63, he’s able to climax three or more times in one day (we’re taking his word for it). Bob’s such a proficient self-pleasure player, he even explodes on command right on the air!

His Majesty the Human Tampon

Bob isn’t fantasizing about Queen Elizabeth II, though when I put him on the spot about it, he professes respect for her long life of service.

No doubt, whether she was a heroine or villain or something in between, this Queen worked hard for the money (just ask Donna Summer)… as well as the jewels, chauffeurs and giant palaces, well not that hard.  Though she seemed like a gracious enough lady if you were a visiting dignitary or adoring subject. She also wore fantastic hats—which I appreciated—because you can’t always wear a crown. She had a sense of fashion and always dressed like, well, a Queen.

Now, as the second Elizabethan Era snaps to a close with Lizzie’s last breath, the Firm continues without missing a beat as “His Majesty,” the Human Tampon, King Charles III, inserts himself as titular head of the Royal Crime Family.

No doubt clownish Charles III is easier to mock than elegant Elizabeth II, but how will he wield his *apolitical* hereditary power?

Here he is, the Tampon King, now at the center of an extravagant cosplay circus of power, opulence and international thievery with a history of colonialism and genocide, in a gaudy red throne with gold accents. He might be something of an environmentalist (credit where credit is due), but even this “slimmed down” monarchy is a big fat resource drain.

God Save Assange

On that note, let’s forget “God Save the King”—who doesn’t appear to be in need of saving—and God Save Julian Assange! He’s dying in prison, appealing his extradition and there will be a human chain of 3000 around Parliament on Oct. 8, 2022. Be there if you can!

C’mon Joe, let Assange go! You as President have the power; use it for the sake of the “freedom of speech” you’ve claimed to defend.

God Save Assange from the Murder Clowns!

Meanwhile, as Assange rots in prison, the cosplayers of the British Monarchy play on, with no technical political role, except the most vital one: to embody the idea that some people are born into privilege and should live in luxury and rule by birthright whilst the rest—that means you and me—should kneel, obey, pay-pay-pay and enjoy the gossip rags.

Proud to be a Julian Assange “Groupie” in 2010 and now! Photo: Jux Lii

Speaking of royalty, Capt’n Max, aka Prince Maximillian Rudolph Leblovic di Lobkowicz di Filangieri, deposed Prince of Prague and Duke of Melnick on his father’s Lobkowicz side, and deposed Prince of Naples on his mother’s Filangieri side, gives us the deposed royal perspective on the death of the Queen, royalty in reality and how to buy a title.

Here’s a different perspective from the Irish Times: “Having a monarchy next door is a little like having a neighbor who’s really into clowns and has daubed their house with clown murals, displays clown dolls in each window and has an insatiable desire to hear about and discuss clown-related news stories. More specifically, for the Irish, it’s like having a neighbor who’s really into clowns and, also, your grandfather was murdered by a clown.”

Aside from the “neighbor” part, this could have been said by many Africans, Asians and the few living Australian aborigines. For the glittering jewels of truth, check out some of the Royal Family’s looted booty pictured in this photo of a lovely young Queen E.

When I was a kid, I didn’t think of the Queen as “pretty,” perhaps because she seemed so serious gazing up at me from my stamp collection, her placid apolitical face on the stamps of many countries—not just one, like most world leaders.

The Brits love their “betters,” but will they see the Royal Tampon as “better”?

Later I saw that beneath the steely imperial gaze, she was a beauty and a charmer who radiated a powerful combination of femininity and strength. Now the UK has a King (no comment on his beauty), reminding us that—despite some of the best, longest British reigns having been Queens (Victoria and the two Elizabeths)—the monarchy is and always has been a patriarchy.

King Charles I, II & III: Who Lost His Head?

The Brits love their “betters,” but will they see the Royal Tampon as “better” than… anyone? A look at the two Charleses preceding this latest Charles is instructive. I learned a bit about King Charles I (whom I first discovered in my Colonial American history classes at Yale, now enhanced 1000% by Google). He was a most unpopular 17^th century English monarch who believed strongly in the Divine Right of Kings, meaning the sky’s the limit when it comes to the King’s whims (sort of like when tRump was President). Soon, the pigheaded King butted heads with the Roundheads of Parliament under Oliver Cromwell, and lost his head. After some bloody battles, the Roundheads rounded up, tried, convicted and executed the haughty but hapless King Charles for high treason in 1649, abolishing the monarchy and establishing a republic.

Abolished the monarchy—even before it was a hashtag? Yep, but only for 11 years. Those Brits are apparently addicted to their “betters.” Having lost its head to the Roundheads, the British monarchy was restored in 1660 to the dead King Charles’ son, Charles II, who enjoyed an extremely popular reign as the “merry monarch,” with several “illegitimate” children born to some of his many mistresses (seems this king was at least somewhat bonoboësque)!

The Brits worship their royals like the ancient Greeks did their Gods and Goddesses, but why do Americans care about the Queen?

We surmise that Charles III would prefer to follow in the footsteps of Charles II than Charles I, though his sons, both Harry, Duke of Montecito, and Big Willie, #PrinceofPegging, are “legitimate.”

Well, the Brits worship their royals like the ancient Greeks did their Gods and Goddesses, but why do Americans care about the Queen? Why do we care about the Kardashians? And what about tRump? What is it about “influencers”? The answers lie in our intensifying Cult of Celebrity. It’s all very entertaining, but it’s mixed into a potent cocktail laced with Capitalism Kool-Aid that we drink unflinchingly, poisoning ourselves and our environment for the sake of our “betters.”

Yes, it will get worse—if we don’t go the Bonobo Way. As neo-liberalism fails, it’s giving way to neo-feudalism, where we have rule by private corporation, and censorship by proxy. Private companies’ neo-feudal fiefdoms, like Google, Youtube, META, etc., are now monitoring and censoring our interactions and lording it all over us. Their freakish power over our lives could make anyone long to be ruled by his Majesty, the Human Tampon.

What Kind of Queen Are You?

We also honor other Queens on this FDR, from Queen Bees and Ants to Aunt Bea who acts like a Queen. Bonobo matriarchs like Lana can be very queenly. Then there’s Freddy Mercury’s Queen, and all the great Queens of DomCon. So many of us yearn to be some kind of Queen, at least some of the time—or maybe to serve a Queen on her Queening stool. I myself, socialist that I am, love to do a little Queening every now and then.

So… What kind of Queen are you?

And let us not forget Drag Queens. Not that they’re our “betters,” but we give a lot of love to these stunning, creative men roleplaying or, in a way, cosplaying, as women—such as Divine, the heroines of the Stonewall Riots and Bob the Drag Queen (no relation to Bob from Oregon).  It’s not about genitalia or pronouns; it’s about performance and the courage to break boundaries.

Probably because they’re attracted to them, the MAGAt/Proud Boys love to disrupt and disturb Drag Queen Story Hours. What’s the big deal? When I was a kid, Milton Berle was Aunt Mildred and Dana Carvey was the Church Lady, all wonderful Queens of Drag, an artform with ancient roots. Of course, we know the big deal. Christofascism is on the march, and the poor Queens are easy marks.

My conclusion: Queens are okay… if they/we follow the Bonobo Way.

“Queens, Crimes, SEX & Circuses” TRANSCRIPT

MAX
Damn. I mean it was hot, so damn hot. That thing has to do with the climate.

Dr. SUZY
Climate catastrophe, Capt’n Max.

MAX
Right. If you still don’t believe in climate change-

Dr. SUZY
Leading to climate catastrophes of all sorts.

MAX
Right, of all sorts. Yeah, you better wake up because you’re running out of water, you’re running out of electricity, you’re running out of all of the stuff that we need in order to make the things that we must have-

Dr. SUZY
Like water.

MAX
That’s important, you know.

Dr. SUZY
Of course, breathable air.

MAX
And breathable air.

Now the water thing is something else, because that’s going to get the neighbors, if the neighbors don’t have any water and you have water.

Dr. SUZY
Oh boy, we’ll see whether we’re sharing bonobos or selfish common chimps, won’t we?

MAX
That’s right, we’re peaceful till we’re thirsty.

Dr. SUZY
Well, sometimes there’s a way to work together, to play together and to share.

MAX
There certainly is. We split the resources we work with the resources.

Anyway, my name is Max and I’m on a choo choo train, let’s say the train engineer. Train, train choo choo, train, train, choo choo.

You hear that right? Now, you know I’m on a train, OK?

Dr. SUZY
We’re on the right track.

MAX
We’re on the right track.

Dr. SUZY
We think so. Actually, we don’t know if we’re on the right track. But we’re on some kind of track going through the Tunnel of Love.

MAX
And next to me is my lovely, beautiful, smart and yummy girlfriend, Dr. Suzy, my wife.

Dr. SUZY
And you’ve gone through my Tunnel of Love many times, Capt’n Max.

MAX
That I have, and what a pleasure it is.

Dr. SUZY
So, it’s another F.D.R. which stands for Fuck Da Rich.

MAX
Yep, yep.

Dr. SUZY
And tonight, if you’re tuned in live, well, the title of tonight’s show is, “Queens, Crimes, Sex and Circuses.” And of course, it is a live show, so I don’t know what we’re going to talk about exactly after a few minutes, but that’s what’s on our mind now…

The queen is dead. Goddess save the Queens!

Forget God Save the King. His Majesty, the Human Tampon, is doing just fine, actually, in his gaudy red chair. Anyway, I don’t really have anything severe against him, except, you know, the family, the Crime Family of the Windsors, they don’t need God to save them.

But really, God save Julian Assange! He is appealing his extradition. And there will be a human chain of 3000 around Parliament, October 8th. If you’re tuned in live, you should be there.

MAX
Yeah, you should go there.

Dr. SUZY
Whether you mourn the queen or mourn all the crimes she has committed in her life.

MAX
Oh, they’re going to the Queen’s. Only 3000 people are gonna be there.

Dr. SUZY
I’m talking about Julian Assange.

MAX
At his hearing you’re talking about, no?

Dr. SUZY
This will be a human chain around Parliament to basically say “God save Julian Assange” or Goddess save him, or the devil or somebody…

MAX
Do something.

Dr. SUZY
Joe, it’s up to you, Joe. It’s up to a few people. But certainly, Joe, you are one of those people, and you could just say, hey, we’re not going to prosecute a journalist that we’ve already persecuted so horribly. You know that the guy that you’re accusing of all these fascist things, Joe? And believe me, I agree with you, though the lighting was a little much, you should have toned that down. But anyway, Trump and his people, Pompeo, they tried to murder Assange.

But anyway, the Queens, the Crimes and—oh did my headset go out or did the microphone go out? I don’t hear anything.

MAX
Testing, testing.

Dr. SUZY
Now I hear something. Perhaps it was the royal family that just did that. You know, they’ve got their tentacles everywhere.

MAX
They get every word of secret services microtapped.

Dr. SUZY
Oh yes. And don’t get me wrong, Queen Elizabeth II was a nice enough lady if you were a visiting dignitary, or just someone just watching her on television, smiling kindly and being noble. And she did have great hats, I must say. I always liked her hats. Because you can’t always wear a crown, right?

But still the British Monarchy, headed up by Queen Elizabeth for all these decades, has been the ultimate figurehead institution for this idea. And it’s not just an idea, it’s a reality, a very devastating reality based on the idea that some people should live in, privilege and rule by their right of birth into a ruling family, or by how much money they have.

MAX
Yeah, usually. How much money in power? I mean, all these titles came out of, like, I’m the landlord, I’m the king… You know this, and you’re going to be the queen.

Anyway, it’s almost kind of made-up, the whole thing.

Dr. SUZY
Well, you should know, you being from the Prince Lobkowicz side through your father, and Prince Filangieri through your mother’s side. So, you know all about the buying of royal and aristocratic titles.

MAX
On the other side, yes. You can buy these titles.

Dr. SUZY
Or you could fight your way into royalty in the old days. Maybe even nowadays.

MAX
Yeah, yeah, you give enough money to whoever is in charge, and then they make you a king.

Dr. SUZY
Will they start with the knighting and then moving onto making you a prince?

MAX
A knight, yes.

Dr. SUZY
The best joke of the day for Liberals, I guess, is Trump saying on Truth Social that the Queen actually knighted him in private.

MAX
Oh yeah, now you can’t run for president.

Dr. SUZY
Right.

MAX
‘Cause, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
If that’s not bullshit, which it is, you can’t run for office here. But we know it IS bullshit. We know she didn’t knight him, or Trump would have told everybody right away.

MAX
Oh, right, right.

Dr. SUZY
And she’s not even allowed to do those things in private.  Just because you’re Queen doesn’t mean you have the Divine Right of Kings. That went out with the first King Charles. He didn’t do too well, that first King Charles, by the way. He was executed.

MAX
So, well, this guy is a tampon.

Dr. SUZY
It’s better than being executed.

And I don’t have anything against him being a tampon, you know, Red Wings, baby.

MAX
No, no, I just think it’s very funny.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, it’s funny.

MAX
Right.

Dr. SUZY
I think that that’s great that people have interesting, funny sex lives and yeah, it’s too bad about his first marriage. I do wonder about what happened to Diana. That bothers me, as I think it does her children. What really happened in that tunnel? That wasn’t no Tunnel of Love, baby.

MAX
You know that the driver was full of drugs, and drunk.

Dr. SUZY
Right, of course.

MAX
I didn’t know that. I thought that’s the only-

Dr. SUZY
Well, I’d heard that, yes.

MAX
Once, I thought it was this terrible paparazzi.

Dr. SUZY
It was probably the combination of things, you know, and perhaps some oomph from the powers that be, but we don’t know, and I don’t know if we’ll ever know. Like 9/11, it’s a mystery crime. But one thing we do know is that Queen Elizabeth II would not have made him Sir Donald “in private,” but of course now she’s dead and can’t deny it, so it’s a good time to say that from Trump’s point of view to say, “I never told anybody, but she knighted me in private.” What a douche.

So, we’re going to talk about the Queen, as well as other Queens, various Queens. Queen Bees. And how so many of us sometimes want to be treated like a queen. By the way, shout out to Andromeda Decker on Facebook, who agrees with me that the queen did have very nice hats and purses. I’m not so a much a purse person. I’m a hot person, probably because I have queenly fantasies and yeah, you can’t wear a crown all the time.

I am also going to talk about the Emmys. It’s Emmys time, though I did not win an Emmy, as usual, but many people I have worked with are up for Emmys and have won Emmys and no, not for anything they’ve worked with me on, so just want to get that straight. Anyway, good luck to all the winners and hey you losers, you can always lie and say you won anyway.  After all, that’s what Trump did, and some people believe him, so some people will believe you.

We’re also going to talk about the anniversary of 9/11. And it’s almost fall equinox. And it’s been climate hell here. I mean, we used to call it Indian summer, but maybe that’s politically incorrect to say now.

MAX
Did you hear? I mean, I’ve been hearing lots of stuff, but they’re going to charge Trump with the same thing they charged Assange with.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, the Espionage Act, and I have mixed feelings about that, because I don’t think there should be an Espionage Act because it does go after journalists and protesters, anyone who is against an American war.

MAX
Yeah, of course, right.

Dr. SUZY
And this is unusual, to go after Trump, so in a way it’s kind of karma. But it’s also disturbing because Snowden they went after with the Espionage Act, Julian Assange and various socialists at the turn of the century who were against World War One, they went after with the Espionage Act.

MAX
We have to understand. Of course, that that act has been around forever and ever. It’s like, “Oh, you don’t support me anymore and you want to overthrow me?”

Dr. SUZY
So, I think it’s a bad act.

MAX
Sorry, sorry, sorry, buddy.

Dr. SUZY
I really think they should arrest him for simply stealing. This is stealing something very valuable from the president’s office.

MAX
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Just ’cause you’re the president doesn’t mean you get to steal from the office of the president, and that’s what they did.

MAX
Right, right. Excuse me?

Dr. SUZY
I say “they” because it is the entire Trump Crime Family. I have a feeling that Jared was looking over Papa Don, or I should say Sir Don.

MAX
Sir Donald.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, Sir Donald of Bullshittery. So, Jared’s looking over Sir Don’s shoulder whispering “Dad, that’s worth something. I could sell that to MbS.” And he did.

By the way, Stephen Miller has been subpoenaed.

MAX
That’s good.

Dr. SUZY
So, we look forward to the little Jewish Nazi testifying about his Queen.

And meanwhile perma war rages on in Ukraine. We love Ukraine, we support Ukraine, but come on guys, enough already with these missiles and this killing and all of that. Let’s go to the peace table, please. Let’s be Bonobo.

MAX
Make peace not war.

Dr. SUZY
There you go. Peace not war. Make kink not war.

MAX
Piss on war.

Dr. SUZY
Do something besides war, please, piss, kink, love… and of course there is self-love. You know, if you give yourself enough self-love, maybe you don’t have to go to war. And it is Self-Love September, if you’re listening live. So happy Self-Love September, and you can peg yourself if you like, well maybe not, but you can use a dildo. Speaking of which, one of the Royals is the Prince of Pegging. And which prince do you think that is? That’s not the one that it likes to be a human tampon and just became a king. It’s the other one who’s still a prince, but he has a bigger title now. He’s the Prince of Wales.

MAX
Oh wow.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, when you think about Wales and Whales and Pegging, you kind of wonder what sort of dildo he’s now using.

MAX
How does that work?

Dr. SUZY
So, Prince Will of Wales’ pegging mistress is probably going to wear something that looks like a whale or is as big as a whale.

MAX
And what are the whales saying?

Dr. SUZY
Harry on Facebook – not Prince Harry, I don’t think–says, “It’s so strange to have modern day Kings and Queens, especially when they have no power.”

OK, so let me address that for just a moment before I get back to jilling off for Self-Love September, which is a much more pleasurable thing.

I’m not so worshipful of these Kings and Queens, and I kind of resent that they’re in my face all the time and that they click bait me, and I take the bait. And yes Harry, it is strange, and yet it kind of fits. And it’s not just those crazy Brits, because, well, we don’t have Kings and Queens here in America, but we have the Kardashians. We have Hollywood. We have these politicians. It’s very celebrity oriented, the modern-day kings and Queens. So, do they have “no power”? I think they do have power, soft power. I think a figurehead has power.

MAX
Achoo! Oh, excuse me, sorry.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, I don’t want it to seem like I’m insensitive to Max is coughing. OK, so let me just say that we’re going to cut it when we edit this thing, so I don’t want to respond to it. But you make me feel like I’m insensitive, and I don’t want to be that.

MAX
Thank you still.

Dr. SUZY
But I don’t want to include the coughing either.

MAX
I’m coughing and dying.

Dr. SUZY
It sounds disturbing.

MAX
It’s disturbing, I know, but it happens.

Dr. SUZY
If you actually die on the show, we will include the coughing, but otherwise, I’m cutting it, or most of it, not this part.

MAX
It’s because I’m smoking, and most are smoking.

Dr. SUZY
Well, perhaps you should take a beat before you take another puff. Or a glass of water.

MAX
I think. Oh OK, I have actually stored…  Is there a beer in this?

UNSCENE ABE
Let me see.

MAX
Ding ding.

Dr. SUZY
Okay, that might calm you down.

MAX
Yeah, I need to calm down.

UNSCENE ABE
You guys got the smoking car, that’s why. Smoking or non-smoking?

MAX
We’re smoking and going down the rails.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so I don’t remember where I was…

MAX
Go ahead.

Dr. SUZY
Oh yeah, do you think figureheads have power, Max?

MAX
Figureheads have they’re like influencers.

Dr. SUZY
Of course, which means they have a lot of power.

MAX
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one of the things, of course, is that you want to get invited, of course, to their parties and their coronations and the poopy time and all of that. So, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
All of that, actually. President Lyndon Johnson of the United States used to invite his favorite politicians to poopy time.

MAX
Yeah. Oh no, sorry. Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
With him, so I’ve heard, and he would sit there talking to them on the toilet, just like a king on his throne. So, it’s kind of annoying that the power of the monarchy just passes right away to Prince Charles, who is now King Charles. It’s a little bit disturbing, I think, because after all, a queen at least, is female, but now we have this king, and all we can think about is the Prince of Pegging. As Adriana says, “Yes, peg the monarchy!” Well, probably like father, like son, so I assume he likes it. Maybe he likes to use a tampon up there, who knows? A lot of guys do, and actually a lot of women us tampons as dildos, although they’re not quite thick enough. They’re kind of for just a little feel of something.

But in any case, pegged or not, these royals do have power, and more specifically, they have wealth.

MAX
Right.

Dr. SUZY
And wealth is always power, especially in this late-stage capitalist society. So how could there be any question that these kings and queens have power? I mean, maybe some of the ones that aren’t that famous, but they probably are pretty famous in their countries, but this one is famous everywhere, and yeah, not always in a good way.

Somebody says they’re ready for the jokes with the royal tampon, but I already told some jokes about the royal tampon, so how many tampon jokes do you want? A whole redwing show? Well, you can comment or give us a call: 213-291-9497. That number goes to the Dr. Susan Block Institute. So, if you are mourning the queen or perhaps your mother? I do get a lot of calls from people that are mourning their mothers and having perhaps some controversial fantasies about their mothers.

MAX
Mourning Mom.

Dr. SUZY
So perhaps you’re having a fantasy about the queen who represented a mother to a lot of people, and you might need to talk about this, and even though I am critical of the monarchy, mainly because of the money involved. I really don’t care if these people want to dress up like they’re at some kind of a cosplay, I know a lot of people that enjoy BDSM games like that, but they’re not subsidized by the whole country and also by other countries, and they don’t have a history of colonialism and war, war, war.

MAX
And drug dealing, drug dealing. Massive, massive.

Dr. SUZY
I don’t mind the drug dealing so much, except this was more drug-pushing. They pushed drugs on people, and then they would of course criminalize them for it, especially in Asia, but all over really, the royal family of The United Kingdom have been some of the biggest drug pushers in the world. There’s been a lot of nefariousness in this family, and there still is in the current family, it’s kind of weird to have to look at all this worship of them, and then be told that it’s not political.

Well, it might not represent one or the other party in England at the moment, but it represents the power of England, the elite, the Knights, the Lords, the ladies, and the commoners somewhat, but not so much, more the aristocracy and the old ways.

MAX
Yeah, yeah, I mean, but not all monarchies were bad. Certainly, you know, they might have been thieves, like all governments and people who work, you know, they like to get a little piece. Well, you would say that, as a royal. I don’t always think corruption is bad, especially if it leads to some worthy cause.

Dr. SUZY
Well, I guess it depends on the scale. There’s always going to be leaders in groups, and always corruption, but how much, how bad?

MAX
Then there was Mad King Ludwig who built all those beautiful castles in Bavaria.

Dr. SUZY
With the people’s money.

MAX
With the people’s money yes, and then he was assassinated. They believe he was assassinated because he disbanded the army.

Dr. SUZY
I do think there’s it’s better to spend the money on castles than on armies and wars. But usually, the castles come out of winning wars. They used to win wars back then. Nowadays, forget about it. Winning the war is not important. Making money on it is.

MAX
Well, OK. Well, they were very concerned with the spending that Ludwig was doing in the Kingdom and that he would bankrupt the Kingdom and so somehow, he just he got killed and they still don’t know how. The thing is that Bavaria today, if it didn’t have those castles, nobody would go there.

And so, it brings in billions of dollars into that little Kingdom.

Dr. SUZY
So, I think it does depend, and it’s all relative. And of course, I’m eternally grateful for the royal families of Lobkowicz and Filangieri for bringing you to me.

MAX
Well, OK, yes, that’s true.

Dr. SUZY
The English royal family has certainly presided over much more murder and mayhem, and so I’d like to read a quote about the Irish view from the Irish Times, “Having a monarchy next door is a little like having a neighbor who’s really into clowns and has daubed their house with clown murals, displays clown dolls in each window and has an insatiable desire to hear about and discuss clown related news stories. More specifically, for the Irish, it’s like having a neighbor who’s really into clowns. And also, your grandfather was murdered by a clown.”

MAX
Wow. All right.

Dr. SUZY
So, I think there’s a lot of African countries that are thinking that right now, looking at this pomp and ceremony that’s happening even before the funeral, with these guys coming out in their little red suits and big, tall hats, blowing horns and shooting guns and shouting “Long live the king.”

Oh hey, it’s entertaining in a way, but perhaps upsetting for people whose countries were colonialized and are in a way still colonialized.

MAX
Yes, and there’s a lot of Brits that really would like to get rid of the monarchy.

Dr. SUZY
All this pomp and ceremony kind of rubs it in your face, the idea that people with power are your betters. But Americans do it too. Our Presidents act that way, our Congresspeople act that way, and they’re treated that way. We all act that way from time to time and to some degree, if we can get away with it. But this royal family is quite over the top.

I’m looking at this picture of Elizabeth who was quite beautiful by the way when she was young.  I mean she was a good-looking dame when she was older too, really, she was very photogenic. Even in her last photo on her cane, she’s smiling, and she looks bright. She doesn’t look like all old and decrepit. She looks old, but very nice, like a kindly old spirit, beautiful in a way.

And then there’s this really gorgeous picture of her when she first was coronated, and it shows where all her accessories were stolen from, that she stole her royal scepter from South Africa, her necklace from Kenya, her crown from India and Egypt, something else here from Barbados, and this thing she holds from Fiji, her bracelet from Nigeria, and some kind of round thing that looks like a liquor holder from Australia, of course. Those Aussies need to hold their liquor in something.

UNSCENE ABE
Yeah, right down under there.

Dr. SUZY
It looks like one of those things you get the fancy booze in, but in any case, a lot of stolen jewelry on Miss Lizzie, and that symbolizes something, that in and of itself is probably worth a good billion at this point. But beyond that, it represents all of this horrible colonialism. What do we want to do with that?

I love that the Prince of Pegging enjoys pegging. Good for him, good for Kate for putting up with it, no matter whether she supervises someone else doing it, or just doesn’t ask, but she seems pretty good with it, which is a cool role model as far as I’m concerned.

On the other hand, this guy was sitting on a divan as these African people walked him through town and he’s smiling and just saying, “Oh, it’s a local custom.” Well, maybe so, but it looked kind of creepy. But hey, this is our English neighbor who’s really into clowns.

So, I guess, as a citizen of the gossip world, I don’t think she’s that bad, but as a socialist I think she represents so much and that has been bad in this world.  And it’s continuing, I guess, though maybe not. Will the people accept King Charles? He’s had quite a clownish history. I have nothing against him being the tampon in Camilla’s vagina, and I don’t know if he was involved in that Tunnel of Horribleness that killed his ex, the Angel Diana.

I’m seeing all these cartoons with Diana in Heaven saying, “no” to the Queen, “you’re not coming in.”

MAX
For sure. Oh yeah, I didn’t like her nose at all.

Dr. SUZY
Princess Diana?

MAX
Yeah, no, she has a long nose.

Dr. SUZY
Well, yeah, kind of an elegant, aristocratic nose.

MAX
That’s right, you have to have a nice nose.

Dr. SUZY
You have a very nice nose.

MAX
I have a potato nose.

Dr. SUZY
No, you have a cute nose.

MAX
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
I like it.

MAX
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
You have a very round face. It’s very nice.

And Speaking of the Roundheads…. Yes, Charles I guess he is taking his own name. They’re calling him Charles the third. He could take another name. I learned this today this in information I did not need or want to know. He could change his name.

MAX
Could change his name like, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, like he could become Ivan or Joe or whatever.

UNSCENE ABE
Or like, I want to be called Sharla. I don’t know.

Dr. SUZY
Right. If you’re King, you can be whatever you want.

Charles could be Elizabeth the Third.

UNSCENE ABE
Yeah, he could have. He could be. Elizabeth the Third.

Dr. SUZY
But I think he decided to keep his own name because they are calling him Charles the Third.

MAX
No, no, no. They’re calling him Queen Charles.

Dr. SUZY
We’re going to talk about great queens in a moment.

MAX
Oh yes.

Dr. SUZY
But it’s kind of weird that he’s a king. They keep calling him “King! King!” It’s almost like so hard-hitting, like here we get our abortion rights taken away and now we get our Queen taken away on the other side of the pond.

It’s kind of weird anyway.  Watch out, Charlie. King Charles the First was executed in 1649.

MAX
What did he do?

Dr. SUZY
Well, he was very unpopular, that’s for one. And he was really into the Divine Right of Kings. He liked that a lot.

MAX
Sure, he did.

Dr. SUZY
He liked being able to do whatever he wanted. He thought his poop was sacred. Yes, that’s kind of clown he was. And they had some people in their parliament, among them was Oliver Cromwell, who was a leader, and some people called some of the people Roundheads. There were Puritans among them.

MAX
Right.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, I don’t know all this history, but I’m just name dropping right now, right?

UNSCENE ABE
Roundheads?

Dr. SUZY
They were, you know, those guys had shaved their heads bald unlike the aristocrats. Anyway, they killed Charlie.

MAX
How did they kill him?

Dr. SUZY
They tried him, and they convicted him, and they executed him for high treason.

MAX
Oh, wow.

Dr. SUZY
At first, they gave him a chance. They said, look, you could be king pretty much the way that Charlie III is now. They say you just have to give us some real power, you can’t have a divine right, OK? You are king by virtue of our agreement.

And he said, “Nah, you and your parliament exist by virtue of my divine right only. God says so.”

So, the Roundheads didn’t like that.

MAX
Oh God.

Dr. SUZY
There was also all this fighting that I don’t know too much about because I majored in Colonial American history, not British history. Actually, I didn’t major in it, but I did study it, so I learned a bit about the British history because we were talking about the colonies who were just getting going at this time. And of course, the Puritans came over at that time in the 1600s. So, King Charles said no, he was going to maintain his divine right. He did not like these Puritans, Roundheads, he did not like a lot of people, he did not like the Parliamentarians especially. And then when they got power, they did not like him.

So, they tried it, and they convicted him and he was unrepentant, I guess. And they executed him. And then the monarchy was abolished… for a little while. And the Commonwealth of England was established as a Republic. But it was only a little while before those English who loved their Royals, like Americans, loved their celebrities, before those English said we need our Royals, we need our Royals for whatever reason. I’m sure there was lots of politics. There always is. But the monarchy was restored to Charles’s son Charles II in 1660.

MAX
Wow.

Dr. SUZY
And Charles II was very popular, actually, so popular that he was called the Merry Monarch. And in fact, he had a lot of sex. He was known to have many mistresses and many illegitimate children, children who were not royal, so he did not pass the Crown onto a child. He passed it on to his brother or someone, because they had to be royal and legitimate. It just shows how ridiculous it all is.

But in any case, I’m sure Charles III hopes he’s a little more like Charles II than Charles I.

We have a call from Bob from Oregon. And by the way, our phone number is 213-291-9497, which on Saturday nights is live on the show. And during the week you can have private telephone sex therapy.

So right now, we are celebrating Self-Love September, and Bob from Oregon has a question about masturbation. How appropriate. Hello Bob.

MAX
Hello Bob.

Dr. SUZY
Welcome to FDR.

BOB
Thank you.

Dr. SUZY
And happy Self-Love September.

BOB
Thank you. I have a question about masturbation.

Dr. SUZY
Go ahead.

BOB
Well, I’ve been doing it about 5-10 times or more a day.

Dr. SUZY
Is that 5-10 orgasms a day? Or do you mean edging?

BOB
No, I usually orgasm about three times a day.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so you’re edging. You ever hear that term?

BOB
Not really.

Dr. SUZY
It is what it sounds like. It means you get yourself close to the edge and then you stop and maybe you just take a deep breath and relax before you go back to stroking again. Or perhaps you get up and have breakfast. You do different things and then you come back to it. So that’s what you’re doing?

BOB
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Okay, and what’s your question?

BOB
Is there anything wrong with that?

Dr. SUZY
Is there anything wrong with that?

Well, I don’t think so, and I’m the Queen.

BOB
Haha, okay.

Dr. SUZY
I mean really when it comes to a question like that, you are the king or the queen. And I can’t imagine that that would make anyone upset except if you’re married and she wants sex and all you’re doing is masturbate. Is that the case?

BOB
No, I’m single.

Dr. SUZY
You’re single? OK, then there’s no problem.

BOB
I’m single.

MAX
Yeah, everybody.

BOB
Right.

MAX
Don’t get your thing raw.

Dr. SUZY
Oh yeah, skin abrasions could be a problem. Use some coconut oil.

MAX
Yeah, don’t get skin abrasions, but aside from that, have you been like this all your life or are you just going through a horny period?

BOB
No, I’ve done it quite a while, quite a long time.

Dr. SUZY
How old are you?

BOB
I’m 63.

Dr. SUZY
All right, well, you’ve lasted pretty long without hair on your palms.

MAX
Are you blind?

BOB
No.

Dr. SUZY
Well, at 63, you start to lose your vision anyway, but not from masturbation. So, you sound pretty good.

BOB
Thank you.

Dr. SUZY
Have you ever been married?

BOB
No.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so you like to masturbate.

BOB
Well, that makes me feel good.

Dr. SUZY
OK. And you sound a little hesitant. Is there anything that bothers you about it?

BOB
No, that’s just my first time on the radio.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, OK, you’re nervous to be on the radio talking about masturbation. Although it is Self-Love September so if there’s any time to do it, it’s now and it is self-love. You know, if you can’t love yourself, who can you love?

And not everybody is like you, Bob, and all they do is masturbate. I’m not saying that in a pejorative way. I’m just saying that’s what it sounds like you do. But everybody does masturbate sometimes. Everybody does. And every once in a while, a lot of people do what you’re doing which is the edging thing. So cool. And if you’re coming three times a day at the age of 63, wow, that’s a lot. You’re pretty virile, for what it’s worth.

BOB
Yeah, I do. I do come. I come at least three times or more.

MAX
Or more? OK.

Dr. SUZY
Really? And do you ejaculate when you come?

BOB
I do.

Dr. SUZY
Three times of ejaculation a day at age 63. That is some kind of Guiness Book of World Records thing. I mean, you could at least drink a Guinness beer to toast your achievement.

MAX
Well, get an infomercial going.

Dr. SUZY
I have heard of guys doing that or more, but it is rare. Of course, there are ways that guys have orgasms without ejaculation.

MAX
Well, I mean, I used to do that when I was a kid. Sure, I was running around horny all the time.

Dr. SUZY
Right. Well, a lot of young guys have three or more ejaculations a day, but it is rare I think for a 63-year-old. So, more power to you because hey, whether you are in a relationship or not, your sexuality, in my humble belief, is the essence of life.

It’s Eros as opposed to Thanatos. Eros is sex and life, and Thanatos is anti sex and death. And sometimes we have to face Thanatos. Death is part of life, the end of it.

And yep, the queen died. Do care, by the way, that the queen died?

BOB
And she let it good life.

Dr. SUZY
She led a good life, right, she was a good worker. She was a Queen who was also a worker bee for the Firm, so to speak. She was at work every day, that woman, almost every day. She worked hard. I will say I have some serious quibbles with the monarchy itself, but I agree with you that she was a hard-working woman.

BOB
You’re right, she sure was.

MAX
So, what do you do up there in Oregon?

BOB
Huh?

MAX
What do you do up there in Oregon at besides masturbate?

BOB
I’m disabled.

Dr. SUZY
OK, well, I hope you get some disability.

BOB
I do good.

Dr. SUZY
How good? Have you always been disabled or just recently?

BOB
I do. And now, just for, let’s see, nine years now, yeah?

MAX
OK, well you’re not that disabled down there.

Dr. SUZY
Not at all!

MAX
Where are you in Oregon?

Dr. SUZY
Well, we have friends in Oregon. It’s a wonderful state. Well, used to be before all the fires, but anyway.

BOB
Yeah, yeah, I was both born and raised here.

Dr. SUZY
And we’re also kind of getting ready for fall equinox and talking about our climate catastrophes. We have had to go through a heat wave.

BOB
Oh yes, us too.

MAX
I could hardly believe-

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, 106.

Does that interfere with your masturbation?

BOB
Yeah, it was like 105 here.

Dr. SUZY
When it’s that hot?

BOB
I’m not… No, we’re in air conditioning. I have air conditioner in my apartment.

Dr. SUZY
OK, I won’t talk about what that does to the environment, but happy Self-Love September. You’ve already started celebrating.

BOB
Thank you.

Dr. SUZY
Not that you can’t celebrate every month.

BOB
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
It’s just fun to talk about, just like the Royals like wearing crowns, we like talking about self-love, and there’s nothing wrong with doing it every day.

BOB
It should be okay, right?

Dr. SUZY
Are you of any religion, Bob?

BOB
Not really, no.

Dr. SUZY
So, if you’re not of any religion, I hope you accept my–let’s see, I’m not exactly knighting you or blessing you–but I am telling you that it’s OK that you do this and in fact, at your age, it’s very good.

MAX
It’s good for your heart, it’s good for you, it’s healthy for your soul.

Dr. SUZY
Right, healthy does not harm the earth.

MAX
Does not harm the earth, right? Unless you do it for it, yeah, no, it doesn’t harm the earth at all.

Dr. SUZY
And we are talking about that this Self-Love September, and you made a banner for that in which we honor Dr. Joycelyn Elders who of course endorsed the idea of teaching in class that masturbation is a safe sex alternative, as there are different alternatives when it comes to practicing safe sex. There’s condoms. There’s phone sex, of course, which you can do with masturbation.

MAX
I could do that, sure.

Dr. SUZY
Masturbation is the root of a lot of different types of safe sex. Watching porn is a type of safe sex, and it often involves masturbation, and it’s very safe sex. When you’re with somebody directly, there are limited ways to have safe sex. Of course, you could do “outercourse” like the bonobos do. Outercouse is fun.

Well, Happy Self-Love September. You have a great rest of your month, Bob.

BOB
I appreciate it.

MAX
No problem, you take care up there.

BOB
I’m gonna keep doing it. Yes, I’m gonna continue.

Dr. SUZY
You continue, that’s right, and keep tuning in.

MAX
Right ahead. And enjoy the world and enjoy life and be safe out there in those in this new crazy world we have.

BOB
Right.

Dr. SUZY
Oh, my goodness, I think something’s going on here.

BOB
Yeah, thank you, I mean I’m doing that right now.

Dr. SUZY
Oh well, nice to know, Bob, that you’re doing it right now, masturbating right on FDR.

MAX
All right. OK.

Dr. SUZY
So, if you want to cum right now, you could do that. I would let you cum. I’m not going to like, hang out and stroke you, but if you want to just blow it right now, in honor of all the things we’re celebrating and mourning and loving, you could do that right now. Would you like to do that?

BOB
I’m getting close.

Dr. SUZY
You’re getting close.

BOB
I’m close.

Dr. SUZY
OK.

More transcript coming soon!

Show Length 01:26:57  HD

© September 10,  2022 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.