by Dr. Susan Block.     

Do you ever get that feeling you’ve seen this movie before?

I have, and it sucks… but not in the good way. I really don’t want to see it again. Unless you’re a War Porn fetishist (the ranks of which are growing), I’m pretty sure you don’t want to see it again either. But here we are seeing it again, and again.

Good thing we have great sex to keep us warm and, at least, somewhat happy to be alive!

Rape of Iraq to Rape of Ukraine

It’s a time of reckoning, of history repeating itself as farce, tragedy and imperial atrocity simultaneously.

My 2003 “Mission Accomplished” moment (parasailing with Max) was much more enduring than Dubya’s.

If you’re tuned in live as Capt’n Max and I take the Love Train, it’s the 19^th anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Iraq, March 19, 2003.

When it happened, along with the much-heralded “Shock & Awe” of explosive devastation and human slaughter, I called it the Rape of Iraq. Now Putin’s “military operation” is the Rape of Ukraine.  

Grappling with these rapacious wars, and their “collateral damage,” including the Rape of Free Speech then and now being perpetrated by Big Tech against so-called “disinformation,” our Love Train rumbles on.

Not that we spend this whole show mired in war, censorship and bad sex. We also talk about good sex! We get set to celebrate almost 30 years of sexy lefty marriage, first-time sex and orgasms… did I mention orgasms?

We also have eargasms (this is radio) that lead to braingasms, and hopefully heartgasms that will help us to Be BONOBO and open our hearts to our friends and so-called enemies around the world, to stop the violence against one another and against the health of our home, the Earth.

More topics:

• Almost 20 years ago, at this time, when Dubya was dropping so-called “smart bombs” on Baghdad, we brought Art Bombs to Cannes: American Libertines for Peace. A month later, when chickenhawk pussy named Bush put on a silly flight suit to preemptively declare “Mission Accomplished,” we went parasailing against that war that would never “accomplish” anything but death, destruction and a few bucks for the greedy.
• Now, with the horrific Russian Rape of Ukraine; it’s like Putin saw Bush’s invasion(s) as a playbook…
• The ammosexual “war porn” of guns, missiles, supersonic jets and enormous aircraft carriers is now in vogue while regular porn is demonized, as women’s sexuality comes under “Handmaid’s Tale”-style attacks. Yikes!
• In a rare conflict, Max says American Republicans are “Soviet,” while I say they’re less Soviet (at least the Soviets tried—though they failed—to practice communism) and more like the autocratic imperialist Russian Tsars that Putin also admires, who were the least Soviet of all. We practice Bonobo Conflict Resolution: kiss and make-up (it works)!
• The only thing Putin hates more than Communism is his own wrinkles. I never thought I’d thank Botox maker AbbVie, but thank you for making Putin crack! Could Putin’s botox addiction pave the way to peace—as Mother Nature paves cracks into that old baby face of his?
• So much for skin-smoothies… onto Sex Tips! Jake (22) calls in from Indiana for help with his “first time” sexual intercourse. It’s important because, though there’s a first time for everything, there’s only one first time for anything; you never get to have a second first time. Hopefully, our ideas for good sex and romance will help to make it a beautiful experience for both Jake and his girlfriend. Stay tuned…
• Sarah Ann, who reached out to us about her quick-on-the-trigger BF on last week’s “Be BONOBO” show, writes back with a success story, “Hey Dr. Susie [sic], I wuz the one with the one minute man who dont last. we did what you said and made him push dat rope and it worked!!! Now we have good nubbin! THANX YOU SO MUCH” [sic]
• How a lot of the Mainstream Disinformation stems from “Richsplaining”—when someone who was born rich tells you how to get out of poverty.
• Arcadia continues to harass Bonoboville, which isn’t as bad as being bombed by Putin, so we are not complaining! Well, actually we are. And in the middle of our complaints, our electricity goes out! So, we wonder—in the dark, while hearing mysterious knocks on the door—where are we? Is the Arcadia Politburo after us? Are we caught in the new WWIII zone (everywhere)? Are the Russians coming?
• The symbol of our impending 30^th wedding anniversary is the pearl, and according to my ongoing erotic etymological research, pearls are gemstones of Aphrodite, as well as symbols of the clitoris, the pearl in the luscious oyster of female genitalia. It’s also the name for a Victorian sex magazine. As for a “Pearl Necklace,” it’s basically several snowballs (listen to Be BONOBO for more on snowballs) spread out around the clavicles, like glistening family jewels.

Watch “Bonobo Spring Equinox Bacchanalia”

• Happy Spring Equinox! Fun stuff is on the horizon. Vice is coming to Bonoboville right after our anniversary! Then we’re off to DomCon 2022 where I will deliver “Make Kink Not War: Be Bonobo,” then fly away to New Haven for my Yale reunion, and then back for another birthday, kicking off what we hope will be a Bonobo Summer of Love—after two straight years of Coronapocalyptic Not that we haven’t enjoyed our hibernation (we have!), but there comes a time to get out and about…uh, maybe. Hopefully, we won’t be bombed by Putin, snuffed out by the next variant or attacked by QAnon leprechauns before we can do all this fun stuff!

Meantime… relax (if you can) and enjoy the show above or below!

Can’t Watch or Listen to the Show Right Now? Read the Transcript to “Iraq to Ukraine: WARS SUCK” (or follow along as you listen)

MAX
And here we are again. It is Saturday night and all over the world. There is nonsense going on. There are wars. There are killings. And never mind a war in the Ukraine. I want to go to Arkansas for a minute. In Arkansas at a car show, 10 people got shot. One dead. At a car show in Arkansas, OK? And the killing goes on and on and on. Much of who is responsible for this are the Republicans who support gun carrying laws without any license, without any background check, without anything. And I call these guys- these are Soviet Republicans because Putin has gotten into their underwear and up their ass and into their brain. And along the way because they entered from the backside, some of the remnants of the poo poo went to their brain. So, these Soviet Republicans, Soviet Republicans, yes, uh, would like to turn this into a Putin-like kind of society. They live next door to you, or they live downstairs from you. They live upstairs from you. Stay away from the dangerous, dangerous people. So one of the wonderful things about this war is that we have found out that this massive army of people, these latest technologies in these parades that take place in Moscow Square are nonsense because the Ukrainians are shooting down the latest, the very latest Soviet jets with bullets. Not rockets, bullets.  And then, after looking at their equipment, you know mean and you start looking at people’s equipment, you know. We start looking at this equipment and what do we find out? These are like ancient tanks. But in the meantime, in the news we see that they have the latest tank, but they have one of those and they don’t send that one into battle. And they’ve lost 12,000 people just on their side trying to invade the Ukraine and they’ve lost hundreds of tanks. They’ve lost planes, they’ve lost- so their military… Mr. Putin your military sucks. OK, it reminds me of the war against people in flip flops which we lost, and you lost too. So, the world has gone bananas. The Russian cosmonauts went up to the station and they are dressed. Their spacesuits are blue and yellow- the Ukraine colors. The world—

Suddenly our electricity and the broadcast are cut off! then, just as suddenly, everything returns

OK, and now we’re back. And if you’re listening live, of course you know that we lost power. That’s what happened to Putin. That’s no- actually that happened to… Who was it so? Oh yeah, Putin was giving us some kind of national address and suddenly everything shut down and everybody in the audience should be quiet! Please, I can hear you! We have a noisy audience out there tonight. Let’s quiet down please! OK so hi, you’re listening to. Fdrradio.com. My name is Max and I’m here in studio with Frank Sprague, our engineer and of course my darling Dr. Suzy, who’s sitting next to me, and I’m going to turn you over to her shortly and yeah… Things are very weird in the world. Watch out for those Republicans that live next door to you. These are Soviet Republicans. Soviet Republicans.

Dr. SUZY
The Soviets were not Republican. The current Russians are more Republican.

MAX
No, no.

Dr. SUZY
The Soviets failed at their objective, but they had socialist ideals.

MAX
I see.

Dr. SUZY
The Republicans have no ideals, they are simply corrupt.

MAX
I am talking about American Soviet Republicans.

Dr. SUZY
They’re not Soviet. American Republicans are all corrupt, they’re awful. To call them Soviet gives them too much credit. But anyway, go on. I just had to say that because you keep calling them Soviet.

MAX
They are Soviet. That’s what I see them as. They support a war against an independent nation.

Dr. SUZY
But it’s not Soviet.

MAX
Well, it may not be Soviet, but these are Russians.

Dr. SUZY
The Soviet Union collapsed.

MAX
Oh OK. Now the Soviet Union is still there. It’s just that he’s head of it now.

They just don’t call themselves that anymore, but they’re doing the same things that the Soviet Union did and that is to conquer other countries. I believe the Big Bear is known for that anyway, OK?

I give up, I surrender. Go ahead, Dr. Suzy.

Dr. SUZY
Go ahead with what?

MAX
Well, I don’t know, yeah, go ahead.

Dr. SUZY
Well, conflict is in the air brothers and sisters, lovers and sinners, and that’s partly perhaps because of the date.

It is if you’re listening, live to FDR which is short for Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our 32nd President, who was at least a little bit socialist.

Although FDR had a lot of problems such as being a wartime president. But we like him for his socialism and we also like the other explanation of FDR which is “Fuck Da Rich,” because THAT’s the problem here as I see it. It’s not a “Soviet” problem. The problem is all the Republican “Richsplaining” that’s going on right now, so that the rich get richer and richer at everybody else’s expense.

And one of these very, very rich – perhaps the richest in the world (we’re not sure) – is Mr. Putin. So, I’m no fan of his, but I’m also no fan of the whole NATO machine and the whole ammosexual my-guns-are-better-than your-tanks fetish that really makes me wanna vomit.

But in any case- March 19th. What is that date?

Well, it is the anniversary of the United States invasion of Iraq. At the time I called it the “Rape of Iraq,” just like a few weeks ago, I called Putin’s invasion the “Rape of Ukraine ” because these are rapes of these places, as I see it, and maybe I see it that way because I’m a sexologist and I see everything in terms of some sort of sexual imagery. But yes, they are rapes, and rape is, of course, really horrible.

I know this from various sources, including my personal experience.

I’m not talking about an assault where somebody puts their hand on your ass, or where you’re drunk and have sex because you think somebody is going to keep their promises about starring you in their movie. I’m talking about violent rape. It sucks.

And these invasions have been the rapes of these places. But they are not murders of these places. There’s a difference. It’s the difference between rape and murder.

A lot of people say rape is as bad as or worse than murder. I don’t. I’m not one of those people. I’ve been raped and here I am. Well, I’m alive and I’m feeling pretty good.

So yeah, I think, I hope, Iraq will come back, Afghanistan will come back, and Ukraine will come back. Though raped by imperial capitalism, these cultures are not dead.

I believe even the native tribes of America, which were violently raped to the point of genocide, but even they will come back, they are coming back, perhaps to save us from ecocide.

This is an anniversary, which is why we call this show “From Iraq to Ukraine: Wars Suck!”

And sex is better!

Wait, what’s that? I hear myself speaking and so I don’t know where it’s coming from… oh, it’s coming from Max’s computer! How are you doing there darling?

MAX
I’m OK, yeah, we have a call, OK?

Dr. SUZY
And I believe this caller wants to talk about sex.

MAX
OK.

Dr. SUZY
Which is good, because we do want to talk about sex. We are like many people, very overwhelmed, we feel like we’re being bombed with information and disinformation in the fog of war, so please excuse us if we’re not just playing with our pussies and our dicks right now.

But we are doing that too, because we love sex we believe in its inherent enormous value.

And so, if you have a question for the Love Doctor here. Dr. Suzy, that’s me, and Capt’n Max, that’s my husband here 30 years almost.

MAX
30 years, that’s correct.

Dr. SUZY
That’s right.

MAX
30 wonderful, adventurous, extraordinary years of fun and marriage go together like a horse and carriage.

Dr. SUZY
That’s right, and so does being anti-war because we have been since the beginning. And very pro-sex or as they say, sex positive, and kink-positive and pro-Bonobo.

So, we’re going to talk with Jake if he’s still there.

MAX
Hi Jake.

Dr. SUZY
Jake is from Indiana has a question about sexual intimacy. Hello Jake.

JAKE
Hello, how are you?

Dr. SUZY
I’m just peering through the fog of war into my sexual crystal ball… and how may I help you?

JAKE
So, I was told something by someone else, right?

Dr. SUZY
You were told what?

JAKE
I was told by someone that you would prefer that your guests have orgasms during the show.

Dr. SUZY
I would prefer my guests to have orgasms during the show? Wow. Who told you that?

JAKE
Uh, when I called in here to talk to you tonight, they said that.

Dr. SUZY
Somebody who answered the phone here in Bonoboville? Really? Well, we’re going to have to put the word out to find out who’s horny here and wants to hear some on-air orgasms.

MAX
Somebody told you that on the phone?

Dr. SUZY
No, you don’t have to have an orgasm, but you can. Of course, I’d rather you ejaculate then drop a bombs – much rather! I mean, I’d 1000 times rather you have an orgasm than bomb or shoot anyone. But you don’t have to.

MAX
Of course not.

Hey, what is your question?

JAKE
Well, it’s like about sexual intimacy, so me and my someone- the person I’ve been with for a while, we’re probably going to be doing it soon for the first time here.

Dr. SUZY
How old are you?

JAKE
22.

Dr. SUZY
OK, so you’re going to be doing it for the first time with this person or for the first time in your life?

JAKE
Uh, well for the first time.

MAX
In her life.

JAKE
For the first time ever.

Dr. SUZY
OK, first time for you and for her. Well, congratulations!

JAKE
Thank you.

Dr. SUZY
Good for you… I think. At least, I’m imagining that you love each other and that you’re really hot for each other and things are good.

So go on…

JAKE
Uhm, I guess the question it might be, well, I hope it’s not too broad, but I was wondering if you had any advice or tips as far as making the first time a very like good experience? Because I know it probably won’t be. It’ll be quick, you know. I’ll probably come fairly quick, but even so, just making it good for her and me.

Dr. SUZY
OK sure I have a few tips in general and they are very general because everybody is different.

So, the first tip is to know your partner and what she likes. Now you won’t know what she likes in terms of sexual intercourse, ’cause you haven’t had that yet, but I imagine you have kissed and touched right?

JAKE
Yeah, yes.

Dr. SUZY
How far have you gone?

JAKE
Yeah, I mean she does, well, she has given me a blowjob but it hasn’t gone beyond that, ’cause I think she was just too nervous and I was too and it just didn’t feel right in the moment for her to actually like go down on me.

Dr. SUZY
OK.

JAKE
I really want to try to… I wanna, I mean, we wanna try to do it soon when it feels right.

Dr. SUZY
Have you done anything to give her pleasure?

JAKE
Uh, yeah, I fingered her, but I haven’t gone beyond that because again, it just we haven’t.

Dr. SUZY
Right, OK, OK, so you’ve played with each other’s private parts.

JAKE
Yes.

Dr. SUZY
And did it feel good – the little bit that you did so far?

JAKE
Yes, it felt good.

Dr. SUZY
Okay, it felt good to you. But do you know if SHE felt good?

JAKE
Hey, I think it was good, but I think I was nervous that I probably didn’t do it as good as I could.

Dr. SUZY
I’m not asking if you did it as good as you could have. We will not probably be giving you an Olympic medal for this, and that’s OK, that’s fine. The important thing is just to kind of inquire, maybe verbally: How does that feel? Does that feel good? Do you like that?

Don’t say the same thing over and over again, like… Do you like that? Do you like that? Do you like that?

Don’t be a broken record, but do ask how she feels, because it’s not so obvious. It’s sort of obvious with a guy, because if you don’t feel good, your erection goes down, so she doesn’t even have to ask. She can tell.

But you might have to ask – verbally or nonverbally – and that’s OK.

And she might not answer right away, and that’s also OK, but you should encourage her. You should encourage communication so that you know how she feels so you can make this good for her.

It’s probably going to be good for you, because as you said – and I don’t know you – but I know you are 22, so averages among 22-year-old guys are that you’ll get turned on and you’ll come and that’s cool. Maybe not, though that sometimes doesn’t happen, but usually guys do come.

Usually girls of that age, that is, young ladies, do not. They don’t get turned on and they don’t come. In other words, females often have a bad first time. So, try to at least do the first thing for her. Try to help her to get turned on.

JAKE
Okay, how?

Dr. SUZY
What does she seem to like that you do?

JAKE
Uh kissing, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Most girls like kissing.

JAKE
Yeah, that’s a big thing, I mean especially the back of the neck.

Dr. SUZY
OK, well, it sounds like you know certain things she likes.

 JAKE
Yeah, and I do know like when we do it, she wants me to like pull her hair and not get so physical, but at least be slightly physically aggressive.

Dr. SUZY
OK, well you sound like you’re developing a rhythm with how she is and what she likes, so that’s good, but you should really pay more attention to that, just remember to go slow…

OUTSIDE BONOBOVILLE DOOR

[Sound of rapid hard knocking]

Dr. SUZY
I’m pausing for a moment because it seems as though something is going on in Bonoboville, and I don’t want to pretend that it’s not.

Somebody is bang-bang-banging out there? Is everything OK?

JAKE
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
OK no. I’m asking if everything is OK here in Bonoboville, Jake, but I’m glad you’re OK. But is everything OK here?

MAX
Everything’s okay.

Dr. SUZY
Okay, Jake, back to you there in Indiana where everything sounds OK – Whoa!

BROADCAST BAY clattering sound as a piece of broadcast equipment suddenly falls off the console

Dr. SUZY
Though everything is not okay HERE. Things are falling…

Dr. SUZY
Anyway, back to Jake and his first time. The other thing is environment. Try to make it a nice environment.

I don’t know where you’ve had your other encounters, but usually these types of almost blowjobs and handjobs are done in furtive places, but if you’re going to do the intercourse thing, you should do it in a comfortable place.

MAX
An elegant little elegant place, unless she likes to do it in the barn, which is also good for this.

Dr. SUZY
Or a nice limousine.

MAX
Or a nice limousine, yes.

Dr. SUZY
Not a little car though.

MAX
It should be comfortable.

JAKE
Probably not the first.

Dr. SUZY
No, no, not the first time. Doing it in a car is kind of fun, but it’s awkward, and especially if it’s the first time it needs to be comfortable and private.

MAX
Yeah, yeah. And not at Lovers Point somewhere where the cops always come to see who’s having sex in the car, you know.

Dr. SUZY
Unless you’re an exhibitionist.

MAX
Yeah, so and remember her pain.

MAX
It can hurt.

Dr. SUZY
Right, it can.

MAX
It can hurt, so be very understanding…

Dr. SUZY
Does she have a hymen?

JAKE
I actually haven’t asked that, so I’m sorry it’s something I don’t know.

Dr. SUZY
OK well sometimes yeah ladies just volunteer that information. I’m not saying you should ask. It’s not necessarily polite.

But sometimes women just say, hey, you know I ride horses, and I broke my hymen long ago. You know, those bucking broncos… and I don’t mean porn stars. I mean actual horses whose big backs that stretch your legs can also break your hymen, or doing gymnastics can break your hymen. A lot of different activities can, which is why the whole hymen thing is kind of crazy.

But the actual breaking of the hymen for me, it did not hurt, maybe a little sting. But for some women it does hurt a lot, and so again, it’s all about being very sensitive to her.

You are going to have a good time, almost guaranteed, but I think mentally and emotionally you will have a much, much better time if she also has a good time. So, try to focus on her pleasure and feelings more than your own.

JAKE
Yeah, another thing I want to ask…

Dr. SUZY
I don’t know if we have time for another thing.

MAX
Well, what is it?

Dr. SUZY
OK.

JAKE
I just it’s a real quick kind of just detailed kind of thing as far as the first time. I was thinking it’s probably not good no matter how hard you already go fast the first time. Just again going with willing to make it as pleasurable for her. It’s probably best to just try to take it a little easy first time.

Dr. SUZY
Of course, yes.  I don’t even know why you’re asking, except that I’m glad you’re asking so that you know, the answer is yes. GO SLOW..  And if she wants to stop, you have to stop.

 But I will also say this, if you come right away, don’t stop.

 JAKE
Oh really?

Dr. SUZY
Say you come early on. Good for you, you came. So what?

You’re young, you can get hard again, so just relax and keep going and don’t pay too much attention to your penis, if you come.  Pay attention to her.

Try to last, if you can, but if you can’t, that’s OK, but you now need to pay attention to her and you can because your penis is not telling you what to do. It’s true that you might not be so turned on and you might have this urge to just go to sleep or watch football, but well, don’t do that. Resist the masculine inclination to selfishly disengage after orgasm. Concentrate on her.

Hopefully it won’t make you break out into a sweat or something weird.

Really try to make this about her. That’s what we call romance. Chicks eat that up, but so do guys.

Actually, I shouldn’t say chicks eat that up. You love romance maybe even more than me.

MAX
Yeah, and maybe a little champagne, you know a couple of little things of champagne might slow you down too.

JAKE
Oh.

Dr. SUZY
Perhaps, yes, but I’m not going to advise alcohol.

MAX
Yeah of course, and you know, I’ve been a recovering an alcoholic for 78 years of my life and so I don’t recommend it, but it does do that, it slows you down a little bit.

Dr. SUZY
That’s true, it does slow you down, so don’t drink too much, but a little drink.

JAKE
Yeah, sure.

Dr. SUZY
You have to know yourself and how much you can handle, but drinking does tend to, as they say, retard ejaculation.

And I don’t mean anything politically incorrect by that, so don’t go after me.

It’s called “retard ejaculation,” meaning make it slower. It’s a good thing. But if you retard it too much, then it doesn’t come at all. You don’t want to do that.

Some guys get tied up in knots over this. So let it flow!

And understand she’s never done this before, so she’s not going to think it’s over just because you happen to spill some seed.

JAKE
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
She’s not going to go, oh well, that’s done. UNLESS she watches a lot of porn, and she’s very ejaculation-oriented. Otherwise, it’s just like, “Oh yeah, that’s great, great, great, OK, let’s have a drink, let’s have a chocolate, let’s kiss, let’s keep having fun”

MAX
Massage always works.

Dr. SUZY
Massage, it’s a beautiful thing.

MAX
It’s a beautiful thing.

Dr. SUZY
Did you ever give her a massage?

JAKE
Uh, no, but I do like, I love massages though. So that’s probably something I have to do.

Dr. SUZY
OK, you love to GET a massage or GIVE a massage?

JAKE
Uh, both.

Dr. SUZY
OK, good.

JAKE
I think technically she has given me massages up there and down there, so I guess technically, but I do want to give them too.

Dr. SUZY
Good, because giving is usually better than receiving when it comes to pleasure. It’s the Bonobo Way.

Dr. SUZY
Alright, Jake.

JAKE
Alright.

MAX
Now you’ve got an exciting start to a long life of sex. See, we’ve been married 30 some odd years and the thing is that sex is very important.

Dr. SUZY
Very important.

MAX
And don’t let nobody tells you otherwise. If the sex ain’t good, it could be problematical.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, it’s very important to have good sex.

MAX
OK.

Dr. SUZY
A lot of people think it’s not, but you guys have chemistry, so you’ll be great.

Just do what I say!

JAKE
Okay.

MAX
Is this your first time listening?

JAKE
Yeah, first time calling you.

MAX
Alright, alright. Well yeah, be safe take care.

Dr. SUZY
Good luck to you, Jake, and we’ll talk to you later.

OK, and you are listening to FDR: Fuck Da Rich.  Yes, everybody needs to get fucked in a good way, which is why we talked with Jake about doing it in a good way for the first time with his girlfriend, which is not always easy, especially in these days of confusion in so many ways and so many people are sex-negative and war-positive.

We are sex-positive and let’s face it, we are war-negative.

We are not haters, but we hate war and as Harry Sapien says, “In a way, war IS a rape of a country.”

Yes, that’s what I said.

MAX
Totally a rape of a country.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, my article, “Rape of Iraq,” got me in all kinds of trouble, didn’t it, Capt’n Max? Remember?

MAX
Oh my God. Oh gosh.

Dr. SUZY
The Iraq invasion was a rape of the country, and that was even with the country being open to it. They didn’t resist much at first. And that was the game that the Iraqis played, or that fate played, you could say. So, a lot of Iraqis smiled and brought the flowers, but still within a month it was crazy, the insurgents, the resistance was out and wreaking havoc with Bush’s so-called plan.

But in the beginning, for like a minute, it was enough for that Chickenhawk Pussy named Bush to get up on that aircraft carrier.

MAX
Yes, we got on an aircraft carrier and mission accomplished.

Dr. SUZY
Exactly. Mission Accomplished. What a crock that was.

Dr. SUZY
I remember we celebrated that moment ourselves by going parasailing off the coast of France in Cannes harbor.

MAX
I know. Right, right off the coast.

Dr. SUZY
And I shouldn’t say “celebrated,” because it was the Iraq invasion was an atrocity, although the parasailing was a lot of fun, but I did say “celebrated” because we’re always celebrating.

And yes, right around March 19th, Bush was dropping smart bombs on Baghdad while we were bringing art bombs to Cannes.

That was the name of this show we did: “Art Bombs: American Libertines for Peace.”

MAX
It was in a little theater restaurant.

Dr. SUZY
El Teatro.

MAX
Si, El Teatro.

And we had that woman that…

Dr. SUZY
We had a trans dancer who was amazing.

I was going to put pictures up of her because we have some great old pictures but unfortunately she was topless, and I don’t want to risk getting censored.

But I do have a picture of Max and me with a group in Cannes at that time. We were all wearing the sunglasses that were later made famous – or maybe they were already being made famous – by the Matrix movie, premiering at Cannes that year.

MAX
Oh, look at that. Is this at the restaurant?

Dr. SUZY
This was at a different restaurant, but it was around the same visit or maybe a different visit. This was in Cannes. We spent a lot of time in Cannes right around that period in the early 2000s.

MAX
Yeah, when I was a fugitive.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, you lived there, and I was visiting frequently. It was a very romantic life.

MAX
Yes, yes.

Dr. SUZY
We were always in opposition to various American wars. And partly because of our opposition, I was often in fear for my life as I was often traveling through busy airports where people might recognize me.

I was maybe even a little more famous at that time because I was on public access TV, and the HBO shows were still running, and I was vocally against the war.

MAX
Yes, yes, but you didn’t tell them what happened.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, well, when I wrote that Iraq was metaphorically “raped” by the United States military invasion–

MAX
This was in papers around the world!

Dr. SUZY
Papers around the world misinterpreted me on purpose to say that I was saying that American soldiers were raping Iraqi women.

MAX
Right?

Dr. SUZY
I was not saying that although it was happening. In fact, there was a lot of rape going on in Abu Ghraib and other American sites for detainees and yet I didn’t mean that it actually had happened yet. Because I was describing the invasion.

MAX
Well, it was actually a Muslim paper that the Right reprinted and or reanalyzed, uh, rewrote the piece that you did.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, and so some poor, messed up, sociopathic guy reads this disinformation, and says to himself, “OK, that’s it, I’m going to strap on some bombs.”

MAX
He thinks they’re raping our women.

Dr. SUZY
And he goes to a bank, and he blows himself up.

MAX
Yeah, he goes to HSBC, the English bank and he blows himself up in the middle of the lobby and kills 27 people. I think it was. Yeah, it was.

Dr. SUZY
Ahhh, so awful. Was it that many?

MAX
A lot.

Dr. SUZY
I think it was less, but whoever it was.

MAX
Maybe it was less.

MAX
One dead or, 28 dead is a human death.

Dr. SUZY
I feel so awful about it. I don’t feel that I was responsible because this was such a crazy gross misinterpretation.

MAX
No, no, no, no, no.

Dr. SUZY
But I am so sorry it happened. I found out when I was called by all these journalists, including the Boston Globe that just said, “Why were you saying that American soldiers were raping Iraqi women? Do you have evidence of that?”

Dr. SUZY
And I said, “What? This is crazy. I was using “rape” as a metaphor for the invasion. You guys know what a metaphor is?”

MAX
You know, metaphor.

Dr. SUZY
I saw the invasion as a metaphorical rape of a country. And that is what a rape is. It is an invasion, and it hurts, and it’s nonconsensual to say the least.

MAX
Unwanted.

Dr. SUZY
And even when the victim smiles, as I was trying to say, because some of these Iraqis were smiling at that time, at least some of the ones that managed to make it onto American TV in the fog of war.

Because the dead ones, well, you had to look hard to find them. But the smiling Iraqis were making dickheads like Cheney and chickhawk pussies like Bush say, “Oh look, they’re smiling.” Like that meant they liked our invasion, the Rape of Iraq.

Of course, they didn’t like our invasion, not even the smiling ones, and I was trying to say that sometimes, even a rape victim smiles just to get the rapist off of her quicker. Sometimes she even comes because nature sometimes takes care of her in her trauma. 

James Taranto called me… Well, this was totally misunderstood.  James Taranto called me “Saddam’s Sex Therapist” in the Wall Street Journal.

I got a lot of bad publicity, which was kind of interesting in a way, but I was always afraid for my life walking around the airport. After all, people would write to me and tell me that I ought to be executed and that they knew my itinerary.

MAX
And our dear government, Uncle Sam, and I don’t blame Uncle Sam because but our government on the embassy site. On the U.S. Embassy site in Turkey, Right, Susan?

Dr. SUZY
Yep.

MAX
“Don’t listen to this woman, this sex therapist, she’s a pornographer.”

Dr. SUZY
Yeah.

MAX
So, I called the embassy there and I got a Mr. Pinkerton, and I said, “What are you doing? How dare you?”

They took it down.

Dr. SUZY
Well, it was a lie.

Not the part about me being a pornographer. You can call me a pornographer if you like.

The Lie Part was that I hadn’t said that American soldiers were raping Iraqi women. I said that America was raping Iraq as a country, and I was using the term “rape” as a metaphor, which the American embassy could clearly see.

And guess what Putin is doing the same thing with Ukraine.

Now, I’m not saying that Russian soldiers are raping Ukrainian women, although they might be.

MAX
Though, yeah, there’s already accusation that that part of it is, you know, right?

Dr. SUZY
I’m sure that there’s stuff like that going on.

MAX
Yeah, right.

Dr. SUZY
But I’m not saying that what I am saying is this is a rape. It is evil. There is no excuse for it. It’s an invasion that hurts and will hurt.

MAX
And it’s killing.

Dr. SUZY
Maybe forever and he’s killing people, but he’s not going to kill the culture. He’s not going to kill the country. Even genocide, it doesn’t work somehow.

So, you’re a loser, Mr. Putin.

MAX
Can I just add one little thing?

The reason they called you pornographer is that’s an anti sex-term that has been used against me and as a pornographer I can’t talk about politics.

I can’t, you know… I’m dumb. I’m sick, I’m not well. I’d look at pussies and tits and ass and I celebrate sex. But pornographer… So, you know that’s not nice.

Dr. SUZY
There’s a lot of different types of celebrities who talk about politics all the time, including pornographers. Celebrities who talk about politics all the time.

MAX
Yeah, and that brought threats. Right?

Dr. SUZY
So, if you like the celebrity’s politics you go YAY! And if you don’t, you go, you’re a pornographer! Or you’re a Has-Been! Or you’re whatever you don’t like, and I know I’ve done it before myself with celebrities I don’t like. So, I get it.

MAX
Right.

Dr. SUZY
That’s why I say I don’t mind that you said I’m a pornographer. It’s OK, I get what you’re saying, and I’m not even against being a pornographer. I show naked people doing fun things. How about that?

MAX
You show real sex, what people are really like when they’re in the, you know, pornography becomes pornography when there’s a camera.

Dr. SUZY
There’s a camera. I show real sex. I show fake sex. I show all kinds of sex. I show art that’s fake sex.

OK so I show different kinds of sex: Art and trash and real and idealized – but more real than idealized, because most of it’s spontaneous.

I don’t plan any of this, but yeah, we do have art sometimes, so that’s obviously very planned.

Well, we have fans, and we have detractors and we love you all.

Speaking of fans, Robert McLaughlin who is on YouTube says “Hi from Sacramento. We love your show. Susan Block.”

Well, thank you Robert McLaughlin.

MAX
Alright, thank you.

Dr. SUZY
We have different messages on our live feeds on Facebook. We also have Jux Lii saying “Not in the back of a VW!”

I have had sex in the back of a VW.

MAX
I have too!

Dr. SUZY
It’s terrible. It’s too cramped. “I think once he gets started, pacing will happen,” Jux Lii says about Jake. He’s advising the young man. Jux is an experienced man.

MAX
Ah, the young man.

Dr. SUZY
Thank you Jux, for your experience. Experienced people should advise young people.

MAX
Jux is very experienced.

Dr. SUZY
Just like in any field of endeavor, in food, in health, in every profession, the experienced advise the younger. But in sex, no, no, no, no, that’s a bad thing. That’s called grooming. So, if you’re listening live or watching, you might be seeing our group that is featured on DrSusanBlock.Tv, lots and lots of fabulous people. Many of them are pornographers, but not all. We also have many authors and scientists, political activists.

MAX
Cops, fire fighters. Actually, I remember I didn’t used to allow Republicans in the studio years ago.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, we can’t keep that up. They’re humans.

MAX
No, but and, and, and, then something told me then there was something about these Republicans that I knew.

Dr. SUZY
I know. I guess I’m not that crazy about Democrats either lately. They’re all so gung ho for war, even world war. I don’t like it, but I don’t like Republicans either. I don’t like anybody. I like bonobos. I like people that are Bonobo and that’s why I say, like you say: Be BONOBO.

And the porn stars, the pornographers are, for the most part, very bonobo. They’re cool, they have a lot of sex, obviously, and they don’t kill people. Hardly ever. I mean sometimes one of them overdoses.

MAX
Imagine that we film tits and asses and these warmongers shoot tits and asses.  They kill people and they call me obscene. Hey, is there something wrong with that, Dr. Suzy? Why am I obscene just trying to entertain people?

Dr. SUZY
Well, they think sex is obscene because it excites them, but it doesn’t make them money.  War makes money. So that’s what they like.

MAX
Yeah, war makes money.

Dr. SUZY
And, it’s the anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, which some of you may not give a damn about because it was so many years ago. Some of you it may find it meaningful. For us, it is quite meaningful because it was traumatic and yet we also had a fantastic time in this great art show and having lots of great sex, and we went parasailing, just enjoying the middle of our married years in France, which happened to be considered an enemy of the United States, when we were calling French fries “Freedom Fries,” even though the French didn’t even invent French fries, so they didn’t care. It was Belgian fries.

MAX
It was Italian fries.

Dr. SUZY
It was Belgian.

MAX
Oh yeah, Belgian.

Dr. SUZY
The Italians didn’t invent pasta either. That was the Chinese.

MAX
No, no, no, no. Don’t go there, do it, no.

Dr. SUZY
Marco Polo got noodles from China. He didn’t bring them to China in his backpack.

MAX
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Dr. SUZY
He discovered pasta in China.

MAX
OK, that’s that’s, that’s, that’s.

Dr. SUZY
Pasta is not good for you anyways.

MAX
That’s, that’s fighting words you’re calling an Italian dish Chinese.

Dr. SUZY

It’s OK, eat less pasta.

MAX
I’m back on a eat meat diet. I need protein.

Dr. SUZY
So Brian James Lucas AKA Chef BeLive sends us hearts and we send them to him. We’re talking about the Iraq invasion and the similarities to the Ukraine invasion. Can we learn any lessons in terms of Putin’s invasion?  Speaking of Putin, I know I said that we are making the Russian people suffer with sanctions, but not Putin. But I have to admit now I see I was wrong about that. Putin is losing access to his Botox injections. We’re going to talk about that in a little while, and it’s kind of related to sex, because it’s related to his vanity, and vanity is related to your impression of yourself as a sexual being.

Actually, war is related to sex because most of these doofuses that are sending the phallic missiles don’t have sex. And actually, neither do the troops in war now. They don’t let them have sex anymore. They don’t even let them have sex amongst each other. Regular sex is kind of against the rules. So ammosexuality is the deadly substitute.

So we prefer love to war, and on YouTube we have the message, “Hey, you got a question for the Love Doctor, give us a call.” I’m not sure if Jake came from that but we are taking questions about sex because we are here to help improve your sex lives and our number is 213.291.9497.  That number is good for something all the time. During the week we will answer, or maybe the machine will answer with our therapy line. So if you want to talk to me or one of our other therapists privately during the week, you can pay for that and we hope you would not talk too long to our receptionist and waste their time. But we do have real receptionists so you will get a chance to talk to them and then hopefully to a real therapist who you will hopefully pay for, because a portion of all proceeds goes to help save the bonobos, and the other portion goes to help save the humans.

MAX
And, it’s not artificial intelligence. These are people.

Dr. SUZY
So right now, during the live broadcast, that’s when we answer on the show and you can be on the air. So that’s 2132919497. Of course, you’re not paying for it, but you are losing your privacy. You’re on the air, but some people don’t mind, so that’s cool. We like that. On the other hand, if you want the privacy call during the week, 2132919497 and we will take care of you, and keep you totally confidential, we understand.

MAX
That’s right, we’re ain’t gonna tell nobody.

Dr. SUZY
OK, and then there’s also the possibility of you writing out your question, such as Sarah Ann who is back. She was on last week on YouTube and she says, “Hey doctor Susie!”  But Sarah darling, you are spelling my name wrong, okay? It’s SUZY.

MAX
That’s Z-Y

Dr. SUZY
Okay, she writes, “ I wuz the one.” Of course, she spells “was” as “wuz” which is wrong, but it’s in a cute way so I appreciate that. I like that. I like you, Sarah Ann.

MAX
Yeah, yeah, no, that’s good.  That’s good.  I like that too.

Dr. SUZY
“The one with the one-minute man who don’t last,” she writes, “who did what you said and made him push dat rope and it worked!” Sarah Ann. That’s what I’m talking about. “Push dat rope.” I should have used that phrase with Jake, remember, push dat rope.

MAX
What’s that what?

Dr. SUZY
It was Sarah that came up with the phrase, though it was because I said her guy should try to “keep going” if he comes quicker than her. And I gave virtually the same advice to Jake on this show. I’m so glad I’m consistent. Jesus, it’s almost random.

MAX
Where’s Sarah Ann from?

Dr. SUZY
Sarah Ann is from YouTube.

MAX
She lives in YouTube?

Dr. SUZY
Probably she lives in the tube.

MAX
Yeah?

Dr. SUZY
Which is quite large. A lot of people are hiding in the tube from the bombs, of course. The bombing could hit the tube, destroying the youtubers inside. That’s kind of what happened to Abby Martin. All of her shows are gone.

MAX
Yeah, all her shows are gone.

Dr. SUZY
They were bombed, at least on Youtube.  Basically we’re all in the tube.

MAX
We’re in a tube.

Dr. SUZY
We are here in the Tube with you and Sarah Ann and everybody that’s on YouTube, and we’re in other

tubes too because you’ve got to hide out in different places on the Internet nowadays, because you never know when somebody is going to take you down.

MAX
They’re coming to get you.

Dr. SUZY
When they’re going to bomb you, and yes, just like Lily Garnett says on Facebook, “Censorship is one form of rape of our rights.” And this is happening everywhere. Some of us are being bombed, and that’s the worst of course. And some of our are having our speech bombed. We are being censored. We are being raped of our Free Speech rights, brothers and sisters, lovers and sinners. And we gotta pull together and stop it… or get around it. You can’t always stop it, so you get around it.

MAX
Declare peace on war.

Dr. SUZY
Amen and Awomen.  I want to declare peace on war. I also want to declare war because everybody declaring war. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.  So I’m going to declare war on sexual ignorance.

MAX
So we so we can be at war too, yes, all right.

Dr. SUZY
I am declaring war on sexual ignorance.

MAX
That’s it.

Dr. SUZY
But it’s a parody.

MAX
Open the headquarters in your village.

Dr. SUZY
We will never defeat sexual ignorance and you what? That’s OK. Now that I think of it, I don’t want to declare war on sexual ignorance because it’s part of life. You live and you learn and I am not going to declare war on it. I just want you to educate yourself, please without me having to fire shot except from the gun between my legs.  And yes, I do squirt.  So there! So, back to Sarah Ann, would you like to hear more?

MAX
Yeah, so she’s into, but I say OK, she’s into the tube. Does that mean she’s intubated?

Dr. SUZY
No.

MAX
Are we intubated? We’re probably intubated then.

Dr. SUZY
You know Max, when we talk about being intubated, that reminds me that I was really intubated

MAX
I was too.

Dr. SUZY
Right, but you were only intubated for a little while.

MAX
We are all getting intubated.

Dr. SUZY
I was intubated for almost 2 weeks. It’s not some place I want to go again.

MAX
No, no, I understand that, but if she’s in a tube.

Dr. SUZY
She not intubated.  OK. She’s like inside a tube hiding from the bombs.

MAX
So just like, yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
And she’s focusing on her sex life, which is good.

MAX
Oh, that’s, that’s good.

Dr. SUZY
She’s there with her man, who sounds he’s probably young like Jake, but who knows really?

MAX
Her boyfriend is there?

Dr. SUZY
I don’t know if he’s right there while she’s writing.

MAX
Jake is her boyfriend?

Dr. SUZY
No, but you know what? It’s understandable that you would confuse them.

MAX
I’m right.

Dr. SUZY
Because Jake has the same kind of concern in that situation, which is that he comes a little quick as a lot of young guys do so.

MAX
You hear that, Jake? Jake if you’re listening, don’t worry about it.

Dr. SUZY
I got all kinds of methods for you to use to “combat” – to use a war term – premature ejaculation.

MAX
And have a drink.

Dr. SUZY
Having a drink is one of the methods. But I have a bunch of others – Tantra, Stop-Start, Squeeze technique – that are healthier that are in DrSusanBlockInstitute.com

MAX
Yes, healthier.

Dr. SUZY
So you should go there and check those out but also, just know that if none of them work and very often in life, things don’t work. And that’s usually because you’re not really doing it right. That’s my opinion, but I’m not going to take sides in this. So, I’m not blaming you or me, just saying sometimes it doesn’t work, and you just come.  And that’s when you keep going.  Just ’cause you come doesn’t mean you’re gone.

That’s right: “Push dat rope” often works. That’s what Sarah Ann said. But pushing that rope is a little bit hardcore for some. You don’t have to necessarily do that, as long as you just keep going with some form of sex. It could be kissing, it doesn’t have to involve Mr. Penis. You could actually pay attention to the oearl of her oyster to use a gem that is the representation of the 30th wedding anniversary, which we’re about to celebrate.

MAX
Did you just write all of this?

Dr. SUZY
No I didn’t. I didn’t write any of this.

MAX
So you’re saying that?

Dr. SUZY
I am just saying this.  

MAX
Wonderful. What kinds of pearls do you want for our anniversary, Dr. Suzy?

Dr. SUZY
Actually, I have a lot of pearls already.

MAX
Yeah, pearls, real pearls.

Dr. SUZY
So I guess I want a Pearl necklace.

MAX
Pearl necklace

Dr. SUZY
It’s like multiple all over your clavicles.

MAX
Alright, hold that right there.

Dr. SUZY
For information on snowballs and on the other methods of combating premature ejaculation, just listen to last week’s FDR on fdrradio.com or whatever platform you’re on, and that show is called “Be BONOBO: Save the Humans.”  Right, all of our shows are somewhere, you can’t depend on one platform. And actually Abby Martin shows are coming back. I heard RT is going to give her access somehow to these shows, to which I “Yes!” Put them somewhere and maybe charge for them.

MAX
Oh good. So, she can download them.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, so the loss is really not so much to Abby Martin, although it did hit her hard like a suckerpunch, and I felt for her. But the real loss is to us humans who need information. And I believe now “information” includes “disinformation.”

Because I don’t trust the Democrats or the Republicans or the Big Tech people that run YouTube or any of these oligarchs to know information from disinformation, and even if they do know to give me, I don’t trust them to give me the correct thing. So give me that disinformation. But keep Abby Martin on. And keep FDR on. Keep all of us on. The fascists are on.

MAX
Thou shall make no law to abridge freedom of the press, for whatever it is that means printed audio, art and our lives.

Dr. SUZY
And I’m going to go out on a limb and say, also, Donald Trump, whom I loathe, deserves to be on social media.  We got QAnon everywhere anyway, so he should be on too. He just shouldn’t be able to run for president.

MAX
Yes, send him to.

Dr. SUZY
Let him be on Twitter in the name of freedom of speech.

MAX
He has his own now, but he’s not on it.

Dr. SUZY
No, but that’s ridiculous. He should be able to be on Twitter and Facebook and all that garbage. What he shouldn’t be allowed to do is be president. We got it all backwards. You Democrats, my lonsman, my friends, brothers and sisters, I know why you don’t want to prevent Trump from running. Because you think if he runs, you can beat him on anti- Trump energy. That’s what you think. But you know what?  That could be wrong. That could be thinking what we call it now?  “Putin Thinking.” Like I’m going to do this, and it’s going to work. I’m going to be welcomed with flowers and instead you’re welcomed with bullets.

MAX
In order, I think to get the truth of anything, you have to find out the lie.

Dr. SUZY
Hillary’s biggest mistake, and I voted for Hillary and I’m proud of it. But she made many mistakes. But her biggest mistake was thinking that Trump was a good opponent, that he would be good because he was so crazy. Well, guess what? A lot of American people are crazy like that, and they like to see themselves reflected in their leaders. They don’t get anything of real value from their leaders anyway, so they might as well treat their leaders like Kardashians.

Thank you Joe, by the way, for stopping the war in Afghanistan – though you should stop the sanctions too – and thank you also for not creating a no fly zone over Ukraine, despite the pressure from two war parties.

MAX
Oh jeez, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Pressure from everyone, from Zelenskyy to Lindsey Graham, all kinds of people are pressuring Joe. Stand tall, Joe. I don’t care if you’re senile. You are do not set up a no fly zone please. We can make jokes about Russians and call each other war criminal. All you leaders are war criminals.

MAX
You’ve all killed, every one of you.

Dr. SUZY
And on the anniversary of the invasion, the Rape of Iraq that you supported, you can acknowledge that. You won’t, but you could, and you should.  Anyway, it’s so fashionable to hate Putin right now. I don’t hate Putin.

MAX
I, I don’t hate Putin.

Dr. SUZY
I hate war. That’s what I hate. I don’t hate Putin.

MAX

I, I don’t like him. I, I used to. Like him a little bit.

Dr. SUZY
It’s really got nothing to do with like or dislike, what he’s done is pretty bad.

MAX
Yeah no, but I yeah.

Dr. SUZY
So, he’s got to be stopped ’cause he’s in charge of this.

MAX
And maybe you know he should be droned out.

Dr. SUZY
Well, I don’t want to recommend that.

MAX
No, no, no. I mean DROWN him out, you know, when you can’t  Hear him anymore. Right?

Dr. SUZY
So yes, not only do we Americans Kardashianize our politicians, but so do the Russians. Putin is like Vladimir Putin Kardashian.

MAX
OK, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Is a Botox addict? Did you know that?

MAX
I didn’t, but I  Saw his cheeks and I thought so.

Dr. SUZY
Well, I he ate a lot of borscht with sour cream.

MAX
No, there’s a difference. When you get that stuff injected, you have like balls. They’re like, like balls.

Dr. SUZY
I never thought I’d thank Botox maker AbbVie, but thank you for making Putin crack.

MAX
Who’s this?

Dr. SUZY
Well, they say “black don’t crack.” I wouldn’t say that, but they say that. But one thing I will say is Russians crack. And Putin might crack if he can’t get Botox. The wrinkles will form.

MAX
Yeah, what, oh no.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, he might crack and send nukes out of anger.

MAX
Well, one nuclear missile to New York, one to Los Angeles, one to Washington, right?

Dr. SUZY
Gotta nuke ‘em before they see him with wrinkles.

MAX
And then and then Trump and them come out as gay and they get married.

Dr. SUZY
It could happen, but I’m not disapproving of their gay relationship.

MAX
No, no, no.

Dr. SUZY
I think that’s one positive element in all the awfulness. I don’t know who’s better with dealing with Putin, but one thing I will say again is here’s an opportunity for a brave, Botox injecting Dominatrix to bring in a special supply of Botox, dressed as a nurse in latex. I can see someone like Goddess Soma Snakeoil or Mistress Tara doing this. Somebody all dressed up showing a lot of boob. I think Putin’s a boob man actually.

MAX
Boobs, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Not too tall though, ’cause he’s short.

MAX
Maybe we could, we could call them.

Dr. SUZY
Or maybe she should tower over him, I’m not sure what he likes. He’s not my client, and if he was I couldn’t tell you.

MAX
Maybe we could call the embassy tomorrow.  Not tomorrow, Sunday, but Monday and and find out whether he’s a boob man or a foot guy.

Dr. SUZY
We gotta find these things out and then send in the Dominatrix with a special supply of his Botox.

MAX
Yeah, yeah. Does he have a Botox Checker like for his food?

Dr. SUZY
Perhaps, but she should have also have some Seconal or something.

MAX
Sounds like droning him.

Dr. SUZY
No no, we’re bonobo. We’re not going to kill him.

MAX
Oh, we’re not oh OK.

Dr. SUZY
No, we’re going to drug him.

MAX
And then what?

Dr. SUZY
Tie him up.

MAX
Tie him up?

Dr. SUZY
Take the nuclear codes.

MAX
You listening… what’s his first name?

Dr. SUZY
Vladimir. I would call him Kim K, ’cause of the Botox. But yeah, really it’s Vladimir.

MAX
Vladimir, you listening to that?

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, Vladimir, we’re going to tie you up like a macrame wall hanging and hang you from a wall.  Then we’re going to stop the war and free all the war protesters.

MAX
And he thinks that Elon Musk is feminine. Do you know about that?

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, he’s calling Elon Musk “Elona.” Actually, they’re all doing that, Team Russia.  How can you take sides in a war like this? Am I going to take Elona’s side? No. But I’m not going to take Putin’s side either. I appreciate that Elona is kind of helping the Ukrainians, I guess, but he should just put his money to stopping poverty and stopping the war, which is really what’s best for Ukrainians.

I know we all love to see War Porn. Well, I don’t, but apparently, a lot of people do. A lot of Ammosexuals out there. All this war porn is almost as bad as the actual weaponry, which Putin does regard as adversarial for us to give these weapons to Ukraine. So it’s very, very dangerous. And listen, I understand that the government has to put out propaganda. We all do. That’s what they used to call it propaganda, and that’s what it is. 

MAX
Yeah, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Then they started calling it publicity or PR, public relations.

MAX
The Nazis were great at it?  Yeah yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Public relations is the same thing as propaganda. Believe me, I know. I do it. I say everything is roses when it’s really shit. Although out of shit, comes the roses.

MAX
It’s a good fertilizer.

Dr. SUZY
With every country and every company doing public relations, which is essentially some level of disinformation, you need different forms of information, even from the so-called “disinformation” folks.

We got QAnon in Congress. Don’t you dare tell me that fringe journalists are doing disinformation, wonderful people like Abby Martin. How dare you tell me that when we have a congresswoman who’s a member of QAnon?

MAX
And everyone is lying.  Everyone, everyone from the bankers to that’s real life.

Dr. SUZY
Right.

MAX
That’s not the ideal, that’s real.

Dr. SUZY
And that was what was happening on this day, March 19^th, If you are tuned in live, which you probably aren’t because we play this show in perpetuity. But this is an important date, folks, this is not a holiday. This is a misery day for Iraq and the world perpetrated by America and the oligarchs in charge of America and there are oligarchs in charge of America. It’s not all up to Joe, like it’s kind of all up to Vladimir who doesn’t even have oligarchs. He just has henchmen that are billionaires. But they’re not powerful people without Putin.

But we have Americans more powerful than Presidents, like Elona, and Bezos, who owns the Washington Post. Elona practically owns Nassau at this point. And so it’s all a bunch of disinformation. And you’ve got these Democrats going, no, this is wrong and this is right, but then it turns out to be the opposite, so give us all the information included the Republicans. I’ll take it if you can give me Abby Martin too.

MAX
And if they win the propaganda war, you have to move.

Dr. SUZY
That might be true, but while you’re at it, don’t censor sex so much.

MAX
Yeah, and what? What are we?

MAX
Why are we involved in your censorship and your nonsense? You good Christians should leave us alone. Let people live.

Dr. SUZY
I saw just a harrowing video showing a woman who is some sort of representative in some small town that is making some very draconian, awful, anti-abortion law. And she was saying, you know I am the only woman on this panel, and I am the only doctor on this panel, and I am the only one that knows what an ultrasound really looks like. And, you guys are all out voting me to stop women from having the right to legally abort a fetus.

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
And that is not going to stop women from aborting fetuses. It is simply going to stop them from legally aborting fetuses.

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
So that is a war on women. That’s what George Carlin called it.

MAX
Of course it’s a war on women.

Dr. SUZY
And what he said too is, yeah, they love the unborn.

MAX
Men are freaked out.

Dr. SUZY
Those Republicans, and by the way, my fellow Democrats aren’t strongly against this aspect of Republicanism enough, I think. But yeah, these Republicans are all for the unborn. Then once you’re born, they don’t care about you anymore. That is until you become of draft age. That was in the days of the draft. Well, they still care about you even though we don’t draft you at this point. Now they put out that propaganda that disinformation that says be all you can be. Join the army.

MAX
Oh, and all the videos now from the military that are on Facebook and all the social media.

Dr. SUZY

Oh my God, showing these aircraft carriers.

MAX
And how they, they operate.

Dr. SUZY
Like big giant penises that hold other penises.

MAX
And great they are. And it’s all said without any. He is, it’s just like a robot saying it. You know?

Dr. SUZY
Too much violence. So yeah, we got to stop Putin. We got to send in that Dominatrix with the Botox and the bondage rope, then stop the war and free all the Russian protesters. They put them in jail 15 years for protesting. I have so much respect for anyone that protests in Russia against the war and this is one reason why we got to stop the Russian hate and the Russophobia.

Be Bonobo.

MAX
Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo, Doo.

Dr. SUZY
DomCon is coming. In case you don’t know how to “Be BONOBO,” I’m gonna show you.. So DomCon 2022 is going to be my presentation of the “Make Kink Not War: Be Bonobo” seminar or as we say…

Semen-ar!

MAX
Semen hahaha…

Dr. SUZY
…where I will inseminate you with my thick semen of ideas.

MAX
Yeah.

Dr. SUZY
I will squirt all over you. And how do you defend against that?

Dr. SUZY
Not really. It’s a metaphor. Like the “Rape of Iraq.”  I’m not really going to squirt all over you in the Hilton Hotel.

MAX
Oh, that’s not bad. I like that.

Dr. SUZY
Well, I, I know some of you would like that. But I don’t want you to have such high expectations of this thing. Although the first five that arrive will get free copies of the Bonobo Way, and the next five will get free bananas. So you will go bonobos or go bananas.

MAX
Or a cup squirt.

Dr. SUZY
A cup of squirt? Right, we’re going to keep it in a refrigerator in the hotel. I’ll fill up the cup with squirt the night before.

MAX
Remember when we went to Google and put in squirt and what would come up was the drink? The soda squirt?

Dr. SUZY
Right, and remember when we caught my squirt in a jar and some chemist was supposed to analyze it, but I don’t think they ever did. We kept it for a while, then sent it to somebody.

I just got this memory of putting it in a in a bowl and in the refrigerator and we also poured Deauxma’s squirt and Annie Bodies into their jars that we sent to labs.

MAX
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.  Well a lot of the women drank it.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, we did drink each other’s squirt out of champagne flutes. Those were the days!

MAX
That’s pretty amazing.

Dr. SUZY
Yummy, yummy. 

MAX
Yummy yummy.

Dr. SUZY
I wouldn’t call it a snowball but when you drink the squirt from a woman who has squirted into your mouth and then you share it with someone, that is just wet, wet, wet.

MAX
Sure, and dribbling down all over your, your, your, nice shirt that you’re wearing for your date and Oh gosh. Oh hey, listen before we go away because we’re going to go away pretty soon,  can I just interrupt you for one moment to tell you about something special?

Dr. SUZY
OK.

MAX
So you don’t have to call every week, but we do want to hear from you.  We want to hear some really extraordinary stories about your life, your sex life. If you’re, your politics, whatever it is and you, you have like an open mic here and you can call this number and it’s 626-461-5212 and if you call that number sure, then you can leave a message for us or a question and then we would like to play it on the air. Well, you can tell us an erotic  story, or certainly I mean you can do things. That’s the number 626-461-5212. Dr. Suzy?

Dr. SUZY
Before DomCom comes, Vice is visiting Bonoboville? So if you are a Bonoboville regular actually no ones are regular right now, but if you were a Bonoboville regular then please contact us somehow, at one of these platforms and you can join us for our Vice shoot, which will be exciting. You should be somewhat of an exhibitionist. That is, you shouldn’t be shy about being on camera because the cameras are going to be everywhere. This will not be a private event, April 23rd, as long as nobody gets bombed and nobody gets COVID, oh, geez, there’s so many possibilities for craziness.

But even before that is our anniversary, Capt’n Max and I married 30 years, and the sign is the Pearl, which besides being Aphrodite’s favorite gemstone was an erotic magazine that I guess we’ll talk about another time because we don’t have enough time.

MAX
And we’ll make it sometime, maybe in next lifetime.

Dr. SUZY
But I am so interested in erotic etymology, you know. And the Pearl Necklace, of course, is very exciting, and so pearls before swine should not be cast before your pleasure pearls of wisdom. Or are they pearls of disinformation? We like pearls of bonobo wisdom. We study the bonobo, we support people that work with the bonobos, like Lola Ya Bonobo, and a portion of our funds go to help Lola and the Bonobo Conservation Initiative to help save the bonobos from poaching and to save the orphans that survive the when their mothers are killed. So we help you to go bonobos, and you can help save the bonobos.

MAX
But they don’t get the idea that we gave millions, but we did give them lots of money and have supported them for many years.

Dr. SUZY
And you know who should give them millions? Elona! Elona Muskie, what’s wrong with you? He said that that he loves bonobos.

MAX
Right.

Dr. SUZY
And he said it on the Joe Rogaine show. Hey Joe Rogaine, you might grow some hair if you give a few million to help save the bonobos, and that would do so much for your image, and people like me would think you’re cool.  Seriously, I really am not subscribing anymore to this whole Democrat/Republican right wing/left wing thing, at least not too much anymore. Although I will say that the people who are high on this rainbow spectrum of odiousness are mostly Republican

But mostly it’s about the rich, and all the “richsplaining.” I’m starting to wonder about my fellow Liberals. I still believe in the liberal philosophy of trying to care for others and be accepting of their views. I’m libertine about sex, although I do believe in consent, which maybe some definitions of libertine do not. But yeah, we are libertines for peace.

MAX
Yes, that’s right.

Dr. SUZY
We make kink, not war, and that’s what we’re going to do at DomCon. And that’s what we just generally do. Because we love to “make love,” but not everybody is in love and not everybody loves each other. People have mixed feelings, but let’s make kink, make a pleasurable experience, maybe with a little pain, but basically with good intentions and goodness at heart.

And guess what? In the capitalist system, that’s very difficult because everybody is pitted against everybody else in a massive Squid Game, and this is the root of this horrible war, of all of these horrible wars, of these horrible invasions, the rape of Iraq that we commemorate right now, and this horrible rape of Ukraine that we are in the middle of right now.

MAX
And you don’t have to be a part of them.

Dr. SUZY
We’re not on either side.  There’s no good guys that are running things. So, we who are not running things, but care about one another, have to reach out to each other. It’s true that they are trying to silence our voices, and it will be more difficult to reach each other. So we have to try a little harder.

MAX
To reach you.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, yes, you. You and me.

MAX
Right, you all that’s right.

Dr. SUZY
We try to reach you, so you know all that information disinformation. When rich people or their henchmen do it, it’s richsplaining. So then we might not do a show next week or right, so don’t don’t miss us much. You can always watch DrSusanBlock.tv.

MAX
24 hours a day. Hey you, you don’t have to pay for it because we have one big sponsor. And that sponsor takes care of everything and…

Dr. SUZY
Yes, DrSusanBlock.Tv where you can see all your favorite pornstars, kinksters and quite a few regular celebrities. Drop bras not bombs. And remember that the Ukrainians, much as we empathize and feel for them, are not the only ones being bombed. Palestinians are always under attack by the apartheid Israeli Government, and I say that as a Jew for Palestine who celebrated Purim this week. Happy Purim, by the way, and happy Saint Patrick’s Day.

MAX
Ethiopia at war.

Dr. SUZY
Yes, Ethiopia is at war. And the US is involved in bombing some of these places.

MAX
Well, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Certainly selling arms.

MAX
Selling and selling so little missing really, yeah.

Dr. SUZY
Selling arms to the Saudis to bomb Yemen. Meanwhile, we are being attacked by Arcadia.

MAX
Attacked Oh yeah, we’re being bombed.

Dr. SUZY
Not bombed.

MAX
Well, no, it’s the same kind of bomb. I mean they want us to leave here because they don’t like the way we work and how we try to save the Earth? They don’t give a shit about that. All they care about is their little jobs over there. They sound like you know Putin’s people. Suddenly, the power goes off throughout Bonoboville!

Dr. SUZY
Tell us when we’re on.

MAX
We’re on.

Dr. SUZY
Wow brothers and sisters, an incoming power surge just knocked us off the air, and knocked all the power out of Bonoboville, and we are recording on a battery operated device.

MAX
That device is right, correct?

Dr. SUZY
And we can’t even hear what we’re recording, but we just wanted to let you know what was happening.

MAX
We’re OK.

Dr. SUZY
We are OK. Today we are not being bombed, but we are wondering if this is a sign of the time since this has happened like three times in one week.

MAX
And neither are we being taken away by the Arcadia authorities, yes.

Dr. SUZY
No, but we were talking about Arcadia being like Putin when suddenly the power went out, so it was a little scary.

MAX
That’s correct.

Dr. SUZY
Although the whole block of Arcadia is now dark, so I don’t know if this is a problem with Arcadia or us, but we just wanted to let you know we’re not in a war zone, unless it’s suddenly become that. It’s always scary to have someone threatening nuclear war and know that the submarines are off the coast.

Yes, brothers and sisters from Iraq to Ukraine, wars suck. And not in a good way. So we are winding up this show, this commemoration of the anniversary of the US invasion of Iraq, because wars suck everywhere and oh, we’re getting power back…

MAX
Yes, we have power back.

Dr. SUZY
Yeah, and this is like being in a war zone where the power goes in and out, except you also have bombs that make it a lot worse.

MAX
OK, can we hear ourselves now?

Dr. SUZY
OK, well the lights have now all come on.

MAX
Well, yes, we thought that we were being bombed by the Arcadia.

Dr. SUZY
You ever get the feeling you’ve seen this movie before? I have and it sucks and not in a good way. I don’t want to see it again, but here we are seeing it again and again and this has been the anniversary of the US invasion of Iraq, March 19th. If you’re tuned in live and now we have the invasion in Ukraine, all wars so look, and that’s why I think we’re anti war as well as pro sex.

MAX
I don’t wanna hurt myself if I can help it.

Dr. SUZY
So I just want to read the whole message from Sarah.

MAX
Sure

Dr. SUZY
“Hey, Doctor Susie, I was the one with the one minute man who don’t last. We did what you said and made him push that rope and it worked. Now we have good nubin.” I think that’s the part I wanted to read, the “good nubin.” “THANX so much” and she spells “thanx” with an X which I appreciate.

MAX
What’s Good nubbin?

Dr. SUZY
Rubbing the nub, so I guess she’s coming because she’s pushing that rope so you know just because you come and your partner hasn’t, doesn’t mean the sex is over, you can get into good nubin. Sex is not all about coming and we are big, big fans of coming, but it’s about nubin and a lot more.

MAX
I’d like to come.

Dr. SUZY
So just because you come doesn’t mean you’re gone.

MAX
I, I like to come here.

Dr. SUZY
I want to come. I want to come.

MAX
I want to come.

Dr. SUZY
Anyway, we got to go, so we want you to be good, we want you to be happy, we want you to be peaceful and try not to hurt anyone, including yourself. Make like bonobos, not baboons. Make kink, not war. Make love, not war. Make love to someone you love tonight, even if that someone is you. I love you.

MAX
And I love you.

Dr. SUZY
The lights went out.

MAX
Woooooo!

Dr. SUZY
Kiss me, you fool!

Show Length 01:24:04  Date: March 19, 2022

© March 19,  2022 Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 213-291-9497.