Sexy Seder in Bonoboville for Passover 2016
Length 1:35:26 Date: April, 23 2016
Passover comes again to Bonoboville, a bilingual, pansexual, 4/20-infused, Earth-Day-energized, floggerific festival of bitter herbs, blissful herb (the eating of the green and the smoking of the other green), beautiful Egyptian taskmistresses torturing happy Hebrew slaves, Dionysian Manischewitz waterboarding, scallion flogging, Haggadah–spankings, the blessing of the bare boobies, as well as the hiding of the afikomen under Aunt Sadie’s dress and between her warm, moist thighs.
It’s the official second night of the Judaic Festival of Freedom and Restraints, and I’m all done up in my typical satirical-biblical holiday fashion: Jew-blue lace-top thigh highs and high heels, triple-decker party shtreimel, glittering striped tallis, “Lox et Veritas” panties, an Egyptian scarf along with a Star of David that was woven from uniform threads by Twin Towers prisoners, modern day slaves to the Pharaohs of the U.S. Prison-Industrial Complex, around my neck. These semi-secret inmate jewelry designers usually make crosses, but for Capt’n Max and me, they crafted two beautiful six-pointed stars. Thus spiritually and physically equipped, I light the cock and pussy candles and sing the Hebrew prayer I learned when I was 10.
While my own blood relatives gather together at Seders in various towns and suburbs of the Northeast, joining me around the Bonoboville Seder table is my warm and kinky parody of a family, including various friends, lovers, artists, porn stars, taskmasters and mistresses, a former orthodox rabbi, and a naughty Hebrew slave (Greg, a longtime fan of The Dr. Susan Block Show who has been watching since our public access days, on his first visit to Bonoboville) shackled to his seat on a St. Andrew’s cross. My husband Max of 24 years sits at the bar, wearing his star.
Master D, whose notorious grandfather Abe Saffron was the Rebbe of Australian Nightlife, arrives accompanied by a brand spanking new “potential” submissive, Circe-Elise, as well as Slave Greg who sits shackled to the cross, playing part of the “Contrary Son” and a naughty Hebrew slave who seems to love his punishments a bit more than the Haggadah allows.
Her curves nicely filling out a slinky cocktail dress, often pulled down to reveal her enormous boobs, Savannah Jane is the Jewish “deaf pornstar,” previously featured on our sexy Purimschpiel and Squirt Salon #36: A Squirting St. Paddy’s Eve. The youngest one in the Womb Room who knows some Hebrew, Savannah recites the Four Questions in the ancient tongue, and the youngest of all at the table, Circe-Elise, reads them in English, later getting a Bonobo Way book-spanking from Master D for her trouble. This is her very first public spanking, and she enjoys it; at least, she says she does, as she turns almost as red as the horseradish. 50 Shades of Pesach, indeed.
PHOTO 1 & 3: ONO BO. PHOTO 2: UNSCENE ABE
That horseradish is a real party-starter. One of the funniest Sexy Seder moments occurs when Savannah spoon-feeds mounds of red and white horseradish into the mouth of the helplessly shackled Slave Greg until he turns the beet-red color of the bitter herbs. Several spoonfuls in, Master D and the rest of us are shouting for Savannah to “stop!” until Capt’n Max reminds us, “She can’t hear you,” and we all crack up into Manischewitz-giddy giggles, as slave Greg gamely swallows one more mouthful, tears streaming from his eyes, bitter herbs dribbling down his chest, but a Cheshire-cat grin still on his face.
Years ago, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach taught Max and me the Sephardic tradition of lightly smacking your dinner partner on the shoulder with a scallion as everyone sings the chorus of “Dayenu.” Naturally, I kinked it up for Bonoboville, turning it into scallion-flogging.
Elegantly garbed in a black corset and fishnets, Rox Van Der Lee (Queen Rox), one of the FemDom 4 that flocked around Goddess Fae Black a few weeks ago, relishes her role as scallion-flogging Egyptian taskmistress, giving it good to the immobilized Slave Greg, all the while another scallion hanging from his fly. There’s nothing like a shackled and shirtless man in a yarmulke to bring out the Egyptian taskmistress in any lady.
Even our Dayton Rains, who balks at the thought of dominating anyone, gets into the act, “waterboarding” (bonobo-style) the poor smiling schmuck with a bottle of torturously sweet Manischewitz, which drips like blood down his beaten chest.
Rocking a skimpy blue fringe top, skyscraper heels, black lace shawl, a tight pencil skirt with no panties (the better to hide the Afikomen), with a Star of David glittering between her jiggling 32DDs, Dayton looks just like a cross between my Great Aunt Sadie from Baltimore and a stripper from San Juan.
Dayton’s boobs, often the “altar” in Bonoboville Communion, also serve as my “plate” for the spilling of the wine as we recite the 10 Plagues in Hebrew and English. Except since this mammarial “plate” isn’t flat, I have to lick the wine up off her sugar tits as I spill it. Mmm… messy… and the best 10 Plagues I’ve ever tasted!
This is a very special night for Dayton, who was raised in a house filled with Hitler memorabilia, and is now participating in a Passover Seder… and a sexy, somewhat blasphemous one at that. She threw herself into it with her usual gusto, helping with all the culinary preparations, boiling the meat off the shank bones and mixing up the haroseth in Bonoboville’s own special “Drunken Trail Mix” recipe of apples, raisins, mixed nuts, figs, cranberries and Manischewitz. Actually I think that real bonobos might enjoy eating our haroseth, and it would definitely inspire an orgy.
Dayton also helps make the Bonoboville special “Maror Parfait,” composed of layers of white and red horseradish in a tall clear glass, a “dessert” that looks like a sweet strawberry and vanilla ice cream Sundae but tastes like a 5-alarm fire.
Patiently helping me to conduct the Hebraic segments of this debauched Pesach bacchanal is Russian-Jewish multi-talented man of mystery, Yossi Vardan. An ex-orthodox rabbi formerly married to the great granddaughter of Marc Chagall, Yossi is a BMW wunderkind who designed one of Obama’s presidential limousines, an artist who makes stained glass windows for synagogues and the sculptor who created the spectacular bust of me with Socrates the Philosopher emerging from my back and Abraham the Patriarch arching out of my left side that sits in the Bonoboville bar.
It is to Abraham we look on Seder night, mixing the traditions of the patriarchs with the fluidity of the Bonobo Way. We say Kaddish for my cousin Jeff, and for Prince, who scrawled “SLAVE” across his face, both taken from us far too soon by the cruel, cold Angel of Death.
PHOTOS 1 & 3: ONO BO. PHOTO 2: ROBERTO BONOBO
Like Elijah, Ron Jeremy (who serenaded us at our 24th wedding anniversary) is expected, and we leave the door open for him as we sing Eleyahu, though we never actually see him come in, but we do drink his rum. Others in the Womb Room include publicist Erika Icon, Ultra Vulgar Super Fiend publisher Ryan Esteban Stabile (who brings some great kosher wine, Queen Rox’s cute galpal Sophie, dashing Ikkor the Wolf, the always cheerful and helpful Brendon Sharkey and Handsome Hollywood Jake rocking his yarmulke behind the bar.
Drunkenly, in the Dionysian spring tradition, we close with a blessing and a hashtag for ourselves and our neighbors, #JewsandMuslimsRefusetobeEnemies, and a plea to make peace through pleasure. We also reach out to Christians. Though Easter and Passover don’t coincide this year, the Divine Interventions “Jesus Jackhammer” dildo finds its way to the Seder table and, eventually, down Savannah’s throat, as the people sing, “Jesus is in her now!” Hallelujah. Praise the Res-Erections of Spring. Amen. Awomen. And Abonobos.
PHOTO 1: L’EROTIQUE. PHOTOS 2 & 3: UNSCENE ABE
On Passover and any Jewish holiday, it’s a mitzvah (which, as Erika correctly shouts out, means “good deed”) to donate to the needy, so please give what you can to save the bonobos from extinction. They need it!
Another Passover “mitzvah” I can get behind—as well as wrap my legs, and my head, around—is sex. This is understood to mean only sexual intercourse between husband and wife, mainly for the purpose of procreation, but this is also where the Bonobo Way turns the Haggadah upside-down and inside-out and makes any kind of sexual intercourse or outercourse between or among consenting adults a very good deed that feels as good as it is.
And that’s the deed with which Capt’n Max and I conclude another amazing crazy sexy bacchanalian Passover Seder, in the Hebraic tradition of so many lovers, husbands and wives, just the two of us, finding the orgasmic Afikomen in each other’s arms and winning the reward of love, if not life, everlasting.
PHOTO 1: ROBERTO BONOBO. PHOTO 3: UNSCENE ABE
Please pass the horseradish.
© April 24, 2016. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.