Length 01:35:51 Date: Oct. 5th, 2019

by Dr. Susan Block.

We kick off Kink Month with a juicy peach of an Impeachment Party, sex-educational sex calls, a wild Vibrating Broom ride, peach-syrupy boobilicious Bonoboville Communion and a kinky exploration of Cougar Politics.

Happy Kink Month 2019!

October is Kink Month, having been so declared by our kinky friends at The Stockroom, for the sake of sales, sex education and good vibrations.

As the autumnal spirit of darkness descends, whirling like a devilish dervish around Halloween revelry, stirring up adventures, fear as an aphrodisiac, costumed revelry, mischievous pranks, roleplay and just plain playing—consensually, of course (no Joker stuff, kiddies!) —it’s… Kink Month!   

What is Kink?

Kink is any kind of sex Ted Cruz would criminalize, as well as “heart” on Twitter.

Etymologically, the term “kink” derives from the idea of a “bend,” aka a “kink”, in one’s sexuality, as opposed to “straight” or “vanilla” sex.

Kink can be a little—or a lot—taboo. Most fetishes could be considered kinky. You could say that kink is 50 shades of sexy, but that gives too much credit to a bad film and an even worse book.

Some would define kink as “unconventional” sex, but if you’re already kinky, the conventional can be unconventional, and therefore kinky. So, marriage can be kinky. Missionary can be kinky if you always do it doggy.

And no, Virginia, celebrating Kink Month doesn’t mean you only get your kink on in October. You can be kinky as you wanna be any month, anytime.

But just as May is Masturbation Month (thanks to the good folks at Good Vibrations and my dear friend Dr. Betty Dodson), September is “Self-Love September”, February is Black History Month, March is Women’s History (Herstory) Month and June is LGBTQ Pride Month, so as to spotlight the subjects and stimulate discussion, October is the month to open up your erotic closet and let your kink flag fly!

This is a key aspect of releasing your inner bonobo.

Celebrate Pinktober

It’s also Pinktober, aka Breast Cancer Awareness Month, which I wasn’t aware of until I found myself all in pink for kink.

Back to bending. If kink involves bending—being flexible and adapting to change—as opposed to breaking when things don’t follow the straight and narrow, then this is a pretty kinky show.

It certainly tests our ability to bend and adapt. The day before the show, we have four guests lined up. Then one misses their flight. Then a couple hours before broadcast, the other three miss their plane. Different flights, same excuse. All of it seems as fishy as the Trumpus telling us he’s a “stable genius,” but with just two hours until showtime, what can you do?

My lovely but fairly annoyed assistant, Sunshine McWane, having spent hours arranging these guests only to have them flake, channels her annoyance into eating corn flakes. With each bite, she appears to feel better, so this could be a new cure for being stood up: Next time a date, friend or guest flakes on you, just have a bowl of Kellogg’s, and you’ll be fine.

Though her demonic red clashes with my kinky pink, Sunshine looks adorable in her devil horns, the “devil” being one of my favorite mythological characters.

I’m no Satan “worshipper,” but I believe that the early Church turned Pan, the Greek God of the Wild (Faunus to the Romans), into the Devil, aka Satan, to stifle his immense popularity among the common people.

The whole remaking of wild Pan into evil Satan is very sad, but it makes me glad that the original, loveable Pan lives on through the bonobos, as their Latin name is Pan paniscus.

People love to say “the Devil made me do it.”  The Trumpus says, “Rick Perry made me do it (commit treason).”

Trumpus of Oz

Yes indeed, maybe because it’s Kink Month and almost Halloween, the Trumposity is having a melt-down, like the Wicked Witch of Oz. He’s melllllltttttting!  

So, we’re having another Impeachment Party.

This time, we’ve even got a peach to heal the breach, help preach and teach the value of Impeachment, as well as help us to feel peachy, at this scary moment in American history.

Actually, we’ve got a couple of fresh peaches, some cans and plastic containers (sorry about the plastic, Climate Change activists!).

We don’t know where all this impassioned “impeachment” talk is leading; it’s a rather sticky peach, especially in the shaky hands of the Democrats.

It could backfire with a big backlash.

The Trumpus is threatening Civil War, and his well-armed minions are ready to rumble.

Just as a peach is juicy, but sticky, and could be rotten or infested with vermin; impeachment is risky business (and even if the House impeaches, the Grim Reaper and his fellow Senatorial cowards likely won’t convict him).

However, it’s riskier to drop the ripening peach of impeachment—splat!—on the ground, and to just keep accepting the Trumpus’ rotten-fruit behavior as peachy-keen.

Backlashes are real, but if you always stop yourself from doing the right thing to avoid a backlash, you won’t do anything right. And impeachment is right, for right now. It’s not just because the Donito Trumpino pressured Ukraine, Mafioso-style (because he was pressured by Rick Perry?) to dig up dirt on the Bidens to help his 2020 campaign, though that’s certainly an impeachable offense.

It’s because he obstructed justice and required his staff to obstruct for him. It’s because he supported racists and racism, caged children in concentration camps, and enriched himself and his family with taxpayers’ money. It’s because he does anything and everything to exacerbate Climate Change just to put some change—a few billion—into the pockets of his fellow billionaires.

He’s declared war on journalists and supports Saudi Mohammed “Bone Saw” Bin Salman. He’s pressured American staff and foreign dignitaries to stay at his hotels and resorts, taunted his enemies like a schoolyard bully, and lied in public more than 12,000 times.

The Trumpus lies so much, he can’t have press secretaries anymore; they can’t keep up with his lies. So now tRump gives his own press briefings on the White House lawn.

Not only that; the Trumpus is his own Whistleblower!

While his previous press secretaries, Sean Spicer now a lime green parrot on Dancing with the Stars and Sarah Huckabee Sanders, now at Fox-News, used to try to lie and deny tRump’s crimes, the Trumpus not only confesses, he brags about his crimes right in his press briefings, publicly asking China to investigate the Bidens.

Of course, he continues to lie and deny, as well as cast blame and throw under the bus. But the bragging about his crimes… well, even Tricky Dick and Bawdy Bill didn’t have the gall for that.

PHOTOS 1-2: BIANCA.  PHOTO 3: FRANK HORN

Speaking of Trumpish gall, a new book, Border Wars: Inside Trump’s Assault on Immigration, reveals that the Presidunce wanted to have a moat at the border filled with snakes and alligators. 

When Adolf Twittler tweeted his denial, he spelled “moat” as “moot” because… tRump.

Why does tRump keep compounding his impeachable crimes? Is he a presi-dunce like the conical hat on our tRump voodoo doll says? An evil genius? A con artist? A delusional Joker? All of the above. But primarily, tRump suffers from a disease that he’s had since he was born: Affluenza.

It’s like influenza, except instead of too many germs, it’s too much money. The Trumpus has suffered from affluenza—though it’s more like everyone around him has suffered—since he was born, a rich spoiled brat who grew up into a rich spoiled bully who’s still a brat.

He has broken countless laws in his life and never been held accountable for anything, because the affluenza-infected super-rich get away with almost anything in this uber-capitalist society of ours. So, he genuinely believes that he is above the law.

But he isn’t. See, too much money makes you stupid.

So, for their own sakes as well as ours, we ought to tax the rich!

It will make them smarter. Guaranteed.

Panty Boy Charlie & Jack-Off Junior

Since our guests flake, we have plenty of time to take calls.

Our first caller is 25-year-old Charlie from New York who confesses to me, his Mother Confessor, that he likes to wear panties, plus he yearns to service a “BBC.” Just in case you don’t know, “BBC” his has nothing to do with British TV, but is the standard abbreviation for “big black cock.”

At first, Charlie says he’s never told his “secrets” to anyone before. Then the truth—or something between truth and fantasy—comes out when he says his “girlfriend” got him into BBC.

This sounds suspiciously like the “Rick Perry made me do it” Trumpian treason defense, but I give Charlie the benefit of the doubt.

Charlie’s also been obsessively watching hypnosis videos that he claims have Rick-Perry’ed him into coming out of his kink closet as a “sissy” who craves BBC, as well as purchasing a pair of hot pink boy short panties which he is happily, albeit nervously, wearing as we speak.

At least, he didn’t steal the panties from his neighbor’s hamper like the Panty Boy Judge.

I commend Charlie for buying his own panties—and pink for Pinktober, like me!—though I caution him against racial profiling when he says all black cocks are bigger than white cocks.

Beyond that, in real life, large penises are very often more problematic than porn makes them out to be, as I discuss with a young woman named Ruby whose husband’s 9 ½ meat monster makes minced meat out of her ladyparts in our latest YouTube “Sex Calls” upload: “Real Big is Too Big.”

I don’t want to be the politically correct party pooper, what with Charlie being as impassioned about his BBC Party as we are about our Impeachment Parties.

But I’d rather not feed the fire of fetish stereotypes, which offend many people of all races, as well as betray a sexual inferiority/superiority complex in the fetishist.

Of course, a giant phallus indicates sexual superiority, but also implies inferiority in a society such as ours which denigrates sexual pleasure and even sexual prowess as slutty, lowbrow or animalistic.

Charlie counters my attempt at a more colorblind approach to interracial love by pointing out that both Google and his girlfriend support the statistical reality of the BBC. We could go on discussing this for a few more hours, but we have other callers waiting on the line.

So I wish Charlie a happy Kink Month, encourage him to enjoy wearing panties, to never steal them, and let his kink flag fly. I also advise him to make sure his future BBC lover(s) wear a condom (size XXX, of course), and remember that every penis—whether big, small, black, white, brown yellow or pink as kink—is attached to a human being.

On we go from Panty Boy Charlie to Jack-Off Junior.

Junior, who works in a California auto body shop, starts out describing his crush on a co-worker. But that soon morphs into his crush on me which comes down to his fantasy of masturbating in front of me.

PHOTOS 1, 2, 4, 5: FRANK HORN.  PHOTO 3: BIANCA

I explain that if he’s a sex therapy client of the Institute, he can jack-off for me on webcam, and I will critique his technique. He likes this idea but is more keen to do it in person.

Though that’s less likely, it’s not impossible. Over the years, I’ve watched hundreds of men and women masturbate on the show and in private therapy sessions, so why not Junior?

Why not indeed? Well, there’s Institute protocol, which requires a minimum of three phone or webcam sessions before any in-person meetings. So, you could consider the webcam session to be kind of an “audition.”

Junior isn’t thrilled with this arrangement, but protocol is protocol, and there’s another caller on the line.

With so many calls, it’s like our old Sex Calls show!

Cougar Elizabeth Warren

Next on the line is FemCom (female comic) Sally Mullins, aka porn star Jamie Foster.

Funny, sexy Sally’s been on DrSuzy.Tv three times, starting in 2017 when she was producing her now-legendary “Hello Cougar” show where she documented her own life as a “cougar.”

On her most recent appearance in Cougar Equinox, we talked about Sally/Jamie playing Senator and Democratic Presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren in a Presidential Election Porn Parody. We figured this might be a sometime-in-the-future project.

Well, the future is now, it’s Kink Month, and the U.S. Presidential Election is getting its kink-on. No, the Trumpus isn’t getting spanked by Ivanka or cuckolded by Melania (then again, maybe he is).

However, the other day, the goofball team of Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman held a goofball, quasi-kinky press conference on the front porch of somebody’s red-brick condo, guarded by a nervous-looking, out-of-shape bouncer named Louis. A couple of far-right tRump supporters and notorious “sexual assault” fraudsters, Wohl (soon to be arraigned for illegal securities trading) and Burkman, aka Jacob and Jack, are at it again. Having ineptly attempted to smear former Special Counsel Robert Mueller and U.S. Presidential Candidate Pete Buttigieg, the duplicitous duo are now vigorously playing the same lame game with a different Democratic candidate.

You know who it is before they even start the press conference, what with the large screen on the condo stairwell reading “Elizabeth WARREN Cougar?”

A “cougar” is a large American wildcat. That’s the standard definition. Like a puma or panther, the cougar is one powerful pussy who could possibly eat you alive, if she’s hungry.

The other, more urban meaning of “cougar” is “an ‘older,’ experienced woman who happens to find herself in a sexual relationship (committed or not) with a younger man.”

This is obviously the definition that Wohl (due to be arraigned shortly for unlawful sale of securities) is going for on his sign, emblazoned with an American flag behind a photo of Warren with her mouth open, looking… hungry?

Speaking of mouths, Jacob Wohl also lets it be known that he is a man who sucks BBC; in this case, those famous initials standing for “big brown cigar.”

Back to the press conference. With great sanctimonious verbiage and fanfare, drawing derisive laughter from the journalists and jokesters on the front lawn below them, the blundering, bloviating Wohl and Burkman comedy couple present the leading man of their latest slapstick project.

Kelvin Whelly is a 25-year-old, “decorated,” hunky, but not-too-sure-of-his-script Marine/escort who claims he was Elizabeth Warren’s BDSM sex slave or Master or whatever (where’s that script?) for $1000 a visit, more or less, plus tips and Uber rides.

Struggling to smother their own giggles, the Three Stooges team of Whelly, Wohl and Burkman  proceed to tell the torrid—and hilariously inconsistent—tale of Whelly’s “deviant sexual activities” with Warren.

As music plays and vehicles roar by, a stuttering Whelly begins his salacious story with the Senator first contacting him through an escort ad on the website “Cowboys for Angels.”

Details ensue, tales of taking planes and Ubers to the hotels where Senator Warren was staying and “complying” with her requests to have “not just rough sex, but extensive BDSM play.”

Poor widdle Whelly! Though “experienced” in the cougar escort trade, he was “shocked at the sheer intensity, duration and violence of what Senator Warren wanted.”

Whew! 50 Shades of Plans to “Fix America” … while letting your kink flag fly.

The Senator insisted, Whelly divulges, on being “whipped 22 times prior to having intercourse,” emphasizing the number “22” as if it’s of Kabbalistic significance, though he doesn’t explain the meaning. Maybe that will be clarified in the soon-to-be released docudrama. Graphic novella? Porn Parody?

He moves on to describe the Senator’s desire to be flogged with a Cat ‘O Nine Tails (which he procures on Amazon, “as we all do”), and to have a threesome with him and a beautiful busty female friend of his “from high school.”

Between guffaws from the peanut gallery below, Whelly blurts something about a “lime green strap-on dildo,” and the disturbing image of Sean Spicer in “Dancing with the Stars” comes to mind.

Exhibit A is Whelly’s back with scars supposedly sustained by Warren the “dominatrix” whipping him (though his stories are all about him whipping her, but never mind… check out those sexy wounded rhomboids!), below and to the left of his XXX Vin Diesel tattoo, evidence, Wohl chirps, of “Senator Warren’s transgressions.”

The same tattoo shows up with a different scar on an Instagram account purported to be Whelly’s. Indeed, between military combat and cougar-serving duties, a Marine/escort, even a fake one, is bound to get a few scratches and bites, wounds of love and war.

Nevertheless, the alleged affair was totally consensual. It wasn’t even cheating, as Warren assured Whelly, and Whelly assures all of us that the Senator and her husband are in an “open relationship.”

“So what’s the big deal?” shouts an all-too sensible journalist from the law

“We know that women are more hormonal than men,” intones Wohl… though he starts by stammering that “women are more ‘whore moral’” or something like that, to the groans and guffaws of the audience. “Trump is a peak alpha male… so him engaging in extra-marital affair—if that’s even true, I don’t think it is—would be understandable, would be normal, would be average.”

Apparently, the old (hoary?), patriarchal, double standard is held high as Old Glory in Wohl World, where Elizabeth Warren, “a frail old woman, is going to be hormonally challenged by…”—well, Wohl can’t figure out what to say next, perhaps suddenly realizing that his hoary “whore moan” theory runs counter to Whelly’s story of hot marathon kinky sex with this “frail old woman.” So, he thrusts the mic at Burkman in the middle of his own sentence.

It all looks as bona fide bogus as everything Jacob Wohl says and does, and it’s a testament to American journalism’s descent into the depths of tabloid poppycock that these inadvertently hilarious, slime-spreading, misogynistic exhibitionists get the media attention they crave.

However, if Elizabeth Warren really is a kinky cougar wielding a cat o’ nine tails and a strap-on dildo of any color on a hunky twenty-something, well, more power to her. As long as they practice safe sex (no mention of that at the press conference), hot consensual lovemaking generally helps to keep a mature woman youthful and vital.

Moreover, if Liz can dominate a Marine, maybe she can make tRump her Pussy Ass Bitch. I’m sure I’m not the only Filthy Mouthed Wife who would love to see that.

But will Cougar Power rule in the voting booth?

Me, I’m still a Bernie Bro. But I’m also an Anyone-But-Trump Gal. So, if Bernie drops out due to health issues, or if the Bernie-phobic Dems coronate Liz who is, more or less (compared to the other candidates), Bernie-lite, then it’s Cougar2020 all the way.

Yes, Liz has been in bed with Wall Street, and that’s a lot worse than getting between the sheets with a Marine.

Still, better lusty Liz than bumbling Biden or incarcerating Kamala.

And with this revelation—real or fake news—I like Liz even more. It gives the wonky schoolmarm some much-needed sex appeal. I think that many people—whether young men with Cougar dreams or older women with 50 Shades fantasies—share those feelings

“Get it Girl!” is one of the most common responses to Whelly and Wohl’s revelations.

It’s very bonoboesque, as the Make-Love-Not-War bonobos empower the females more than any other great ape culture. Many of these empowered females have sex with younger males. All that cougar sex (and other kinds of lovemaking) among bonobos helps them make “peace through pleasure,” creating a society in which no bonobo has ever been seen killing another bonobo in the wild or captivity.

So, despite Wohl, Whelly and Burkman’s best efforts, most of us, though we don’t believe these grade-D grifters, are happy that Senator Warren might be having kinky cougar sex.

We especially appreciate Liz herself tweeting a subtle but clear-eyed response to the accusations, slapping the douchebags down, making a little pun, establishing herself as America’s Queen of Shade and staying on point with her “plan” for canceling student debt:

“It’s always a good day to be reminded that I got where I am because a great education was available for $50 a semester at the University of Houston (go Cougars!). We need to cancel student debt and make college free for everyone who wants it.”

Go Cougars!

Of course, as we had said on Cougar Equinox, “Hello Cougar” comedienne Sally Mullins, aka porn star Jamie Foster, should play Warren in the porn parody.

We chat some more about how she’s going to get a wig, a pair of professorial glasses and a pants/jacket ensemble like Warren favors, before she does her first blow-job scene on Tuesday.

I’m honored she’s going to use my title suggestion, “Jizz on Liz.”

Though her own idea, “Whorin’ for Warren,” would work well with the escort theme.

This could be a whole series: The Cougar Candidate.

Then maybe The Cougar President.

Though I’d prefer Brother Bernie, we could do worse than Cougar Liz.

A lot worse.

Magic Dildonic Vibrating Broom

Funny how this show flies by faster than our shows with guests. I guess we like hearing the sounds of our own voices. The callers on this show are cool too.

But, speaking of flying, after all that sitting and talking, I need to get airborne.

So I hop on my Magic Dildonic Vibrating Broom.

PHOTOS: FRANK HORN

With a dildo in front (which I mask for the Facebook camera), a vibrator in the middle and the broom bristles in the back (suitable for spanking or sweeping), it’s the perfect gift or costume accessory for a bewitched, orgasmic, kinky and hilarious Halloween.

Peach-Impaling ImPEACHment

Then we return to our ImPEACHment Party by gagging our tRump voodoo doll with a peach.

This is not easy, as the round peach keeps rolling off.

As I explain above, the whole impeachment process isn’t easy or risk-free, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to make it work.

If we could only find a genetically modified peach in the shape of a cucumber.

Where’s Liz’s lime-green strap-on dildo when you need it?

Well, we have lime-green Agwa…

Peach Communion

Having impaled tRump on our Impeachment Peach, it’s time for a peachy Bonoboville Communion with sacred Himalayan pink salt and… peaches.

PHOTOS 1, 2, 5, 8: BIANCA.  PHOTOS 3, 4, 6, 7: FRANK HORN

Well, peach juice.

That is, we daub the “Altar” with peach juice instead of saliva to make the salt stick.

It sounds a little gross, but it’s kind of tasty, like a “sweet ‘n’ sour” sauce.

Sunshine and I each take a turn at Communion.

The we give each other the Waterboarding Bonobo-Style treatment with that magical green elixir of love, Agwa de Bolivia Herbal Coca Leaf Liqueur.

PHOTOS 1, 3, 5: FRANK HORN.  PHOTOS 2 & 4: BIANCA

We keep the peachy party going through the end of the live broadcast, into peach-can coitus a mammalia and beyond the post-show champagne pasta party.

Yum yum yummy.

With no guests to impress, Bonoboville just parties with the peaches.

Capt’n Max and I keep the ImPEACHment Party going into bed, still peachy-keen, kinky and in love after 27 years of bonoboesque marriage.

Happy Kink Month 2019!

Part of this Journal, “COUGAR 2020?” reposted in COUNTERPUNCH

© October 5, 2019. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.