Condomania President Nicole Donnelly talks with Dr. Susan Block about penis size, latex sex, salty waffles and social media. Photo: Abraham Perez

Length 1:36:21     Date: Feb. 1, 2014

Ever wonder which states have the biggest dicks—literally and figuratively? Ultimately, orgasm for orgasm, when it comes to most types of sexual pleasure,“it ain’t the meat, it’s the motion.” But in these times of monster trucks, monster jobs, monster drinks and monster porn tubes, most men would like to have a meat-monster penis. More and more women are also coming out in favor of Xtra-large love-tools, sending many a humiliated ex reeling into therapy. Some become obsessed by measurements. Personal stats are one thing, but do you know how your state measures up?

Well, wonder no longer because my guest, Nicole Donnelly, President of Condomania, “America’s first condom store,” can tell you, based on condom sales data, which states have the most monster dicks, which skew average and which have the bumper-crop of micro-dicklets. In this year’s Penis Size Olympics, the Peace Garden State is the winner; apparently the oil business isn’t the only thing booming in the North Dakota.  Rhode Island, the smallest state in the union, ranks #2, proving that big things cum in small states, or maybe it’s because the state bird is a cock. Conversely, it seems that not everything is bigger in Texas. Penises, for instance. Those ten-gallon Texans don’t rate more than a few ounces on the Condomania Peter Meter, hitting bottom at 41^st among the 50 states plus the District of Columbia—which struts its big thick stuff at #4 (must be all those giant dicks in Congress).

Though she demurs about its importance in lovemaking, as president of Condomania (two years ago, she bought the company from her friend, Condomania’s founder, Adam Glickman), Nicole is a wellspring of information on penis size. Being a sexy, savvy single mom out there in the dating world, she’s concerned about safer sex for herself, as well as her customers. Her personal favorite condom brand is “Naked,” but she acknowledges that other folks prefer different strokes, and Condomania sells dozens of brands. She’s passionate about men wearing condoms that “fit” for a more comfortable, natural experience, which Condomania attempts to provide by offering their proverbial “rubbers” in 120 different sizes. Condom sizing depends on length, girth and comfort level, and Condomania even offers a downloadable “fit kit” which Nicole likens to a bra-fitting, so that customers can get their perfect fit. Too bad guys can’t get their condom “fittings” done by Nicole herself, but the “fit kit” gets the job done.

We all agree that condoms are essential tools for every man and woman’s wallet, purse or glove compartment, especially if they’re playing the dating game. And we’re eager to see who wins the Gates Foundation’s $100,000 prize being offered to anyone who develops a condom that feels better than having sex without a condom.

Flavor is also a factor. I’m not a fan of the taste of latex, but I just can’t get enough of Condomania’s yummy “ONE” brand of “Island Punch.” After I roll one over my hand–carved, smooth, wooden, 7-inch dildo, I lick it up like a lollipop, and I just keep on sucking—the flavor never runs out!—throughout the live broadcast.

But I have to say a few words against California’s Measure B which requires that all adult entertainment performers wear condoms, dental dams and other barriers—even if the performers are married to each other! I’m all for safer sex, but let’s keep the government out of our panties, please. Condoms are great, and Condomania’s are truly the best of the best, but they’re not a panacea against all sexually transmitted diseases, and individuals, couples and companies ought to be able to choose those forms of safer sex best suited for them.

Condoms aren’t Nicole’s only passion. She is also a ardent cyclist, snowboarder and social media consultant, author of Ride Like a Penguin (snowboarding through social media… in a tux?) and creator of the “Salty Waffle” social media playbook.

Wait—What? “Salty Waffle”? A quick Google search brings up the Urban Dictionary definition: “Salty Waffle: Having a girl smile before cumming and then cumming on her teeth so it fills in the gaps….similar to pouring batter in a waffle maker.” Click “salty waffle porn” images, and you’ll eventually witness a variety of vivid pix that look like a cross between extreme facial bukkake and a commercial for a tooth-whitening product.

Alas, but when I eagerly ask Nicole about the relationship between this fellatrixy trick and social media success, she swears that she came up with the name without knowing the Urban Dictionary definition, but just because she lives at the beach and those briny sea breezes literally make everything, including her waffles, “salty”

That might sound like waffling to some, especially considering Nicole’s dazzlingly toothy grin. But we decide to leave her salty waffles alone, and we focus on getting a little free social media advice for Bonoboville, our upcoming online community for bonobo lovers and their friends.

Speaking of friends, after we sign off with Nicole, our old friend John Clark (the late actress Lynn Redgrave’s ex and my first radio producer on KIEV) comes by to talk condoms and say farewell to the late Al Goldstein, maverick Screw Magazine publisher, one of the great vitriolic editorialists of our times, and one of those optimistic guys who always kept an unexpired condom in his wallet, just in case.