Sex, Toys & Rock n Roll
Length: 102:55 minutes Date: 09/22/2012
It’s the autumnal equinox, and as the sun rises later and night falls sooner, humans find comfort in sex, toys and rock n roll, and so it has been since prehistory. Sex, of course, has been around a lot longer than humans, going all the way back to the cellular level of life. Sex toys—using inanimate objects for sexual pleasure—are also older than humanity. Chimps and monkeys rub their genitalia against tree branches. Years ago, I saw Lana, a female bonobo in the San Diego Zoo, bouncing a rubber ball vigorously against her big pink swollen vulva. It was obvious she wasn’t just practicing her dribble; she was using the rubber ball as a masturbatory sex toy.
Rock n Roll also has prehistoric—even, perhaps, prehuman—antecedents. Chimps and bonobos bang on hollow tree logs to make a kind of “music.” Kanzi—probably the world’s most famous “genius” bonobo thanks to his work with the brilliant Dr. Sue Savage-Rumbaugh—has jammed quite harmoniously on the keyboards with Peter Gabriel.
Charles Darwin hypothesized that music’s evolutionary purpose was for human sexual selection or, as Geoffrey Miller stated, the role of musical display was—and still is—for “demonstrating fitness to mate.” This is why rock stars often have even more active sex lives than porn stars. And this is why this show is so much fun!
Phil Varone: Some people have called him a “sex addict” (at least he played one on Celebrity Rehab), but to me, he’s more like the human epitome of “Sex Toys and Rock n Roll”—which just so happens to be the name of his new California Exotics sex toy line. Wild-armed drummer for such popular bands of the 1990s as Saigon Kick and Skid Row, Phil is also a stand-up comic with a celebrity sex tape that turned him into a porn star and a talk radio host with a new Playboy radio show, where I will soon be his guest. To explain the intensely intoxicating, erotic effects of rocketing to rock n roll fame, Phil reveals he wasn’t one of the “popular kids” in high school. So when he attended his high school reunion with a few hit records to his credit and found himself having sex with the homecoming queen and other previously unattainable hotties, his “career path” as one of modern rock n roll’s most sexually active musicians was set. It doesn’t hurt that he is the proud possessor of a massive penis, which looks even larger on his rocker-skinny frame, and is the model for his “biggest” sex toy: the Dr. PhilGood Dong. Now a swinger, not a cheater, Phil gamely unzips and pulls out his own dong for comparison, but it isn’t until the after-party that we get to see it “in action,” and yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, I am a witness: the original model and the toy definitely do match up. We also have some fun with Phil’s pleasantly powerful, vibrating drumsticks or “Sex Sticks,” bringing the act of playing your lover “like an instrument” to a whole new level. Then he breaks the big news that he and the other members of Saigon Kick have decided to bury their hate hatchets and will soon be reuniting for a concert tour. We celebrate by dancing and stripteasing to my favorite Saigon Kick song, the one they named after me, even though we didn’t know each other at the time (and they even spelled my name right):
Suzy had a dream
Of what she could not tell
She only guarantees
It’ll take you straight to Hell…
Of course, this Suzy’s “hell” is that little corner of erotic heaven on earth we call BonoboVille, aka Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy, aka the Block Institute, and considering the fact that as I’m writing this bloggamy, Dr. PhilGood is still hanging out here, “philling good,” I’d say he agrees.
Tara Lynn Foxx: Saying Auf wiedersehen before she flies off to Deutschland for the Venus festival and her first gangbang scene, this is the second time on the show for the newest Ms. Munkey Barz. After stripping down to her skimpy, sweet, polka dot panties in saucy rhythm to Saigon Kick’s “Suzy” song, Tara then enthusiastically shows us some of the many positional advantages to using the Munkey-Barz, using one happy Phil as her partner (where they notice they have matching star tattoos!). Tara also gets to experience the strong, “secret,” almost soundless vibrations of another one of Phil’s other toys, the “Little Black Heart” G-string bullet, and rides the Sybian into a rip-roaring, rock n roll climax, as I ratchet up the speed and manipulate her handy Munkey-Barz from behind.
Kylie Johnson: A virgin to The Dr. Susan Block Show, this sweet, 21-year-old, multi-cultural beauty with amazing all-natural measurements, was Playboy’s Miss February 2011 and is about to go on a Playboy shoot to the Dominican Republic. When she tells us that besides modeling, she’s also in training to be a nurse, we all agree that we’d break a leg just so she could take care of us. When she tells me that I’m the “female Hugh Hefner,” I’m ready to put on my smoking jacket. Though she’s shy on the live broadcast, content to sip her Absente Absinthe and observe the other guests frolicking and Sybian-riding, she loosens up in the after-party, showing a lucky few of us the wild erotic star quality that is destined to “take her places,” whether or not she figures out where she wants to go.
Kim Kandy: This is sexy, sultry Kim’s second time at the Speakeasy (her first being Expedition Gone Wild, now playing on DrSuzy.tv). She strips and poledances to Saigon Kick and wins a Phil Varone “All-Access Vibrating Pass.”
DeeDee: Kim’s hairdresser BFF once again accompanies her to the Speakeasy and dances around the stripper pole like a wild bacchante, but this time, she reveals that she is “Christian.” Since last Saturday’s “God and Sex Week at Yale” show featured a heated dialogue with right-wing, religious Undergraduates for a Better Yale College co-founder Eduardo Andino, whose express purpose is to censor and destroy Sex Week at Yale, our defense-mechanisms were on high alert when we heard the C word. But DeeDee’s no Eduardo, and she let us know that her God is not a jealous or judgmental God, but more of the true God of Love and Tolerance in the New Testament, among other places.
Tom Quinn: I haven’t seen my old friend Tom since the Clinton Years, so it was great to have him back. Tom is now a successful documentary film producer and the author of What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? His documentaries debunking the claims of superstition, religion and the paranormal have aired on Discovery, the History Channel and other outlets, but we’re still waiting for the segment he shot with me—featuring one of our famous Foot Fetish Salons—to air somewhere!
Weapons of Mass Discussion: The Autumnal Equinox, Prehistoric Sex, Prehistoric Sex Toys, Prehistoric Rock n Roll, Bonobos Playing with Branches and Rubber Balls as Sex Toys, Kanzi the Bonobo Playing Rock Music with Peter Gabriel, Darwin on the Evolutionary Purpose of Music Being “Sexual Selection,” Celebrity Sex Tapes, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Groupies, Gang Bangs, Sloppy Seconds, Cheating vs. Swinging, Sperm Wars, Attempting To Hang 10 Pounds Of Apples From One’s Penis, Blowjob Trains, Bulimic Girls Give The Best Blowjobs, Religion Without Judgment, Eduardo Andino, Sex Week at Yale, We Are The 47%, Vote Obama, Republican Weirdness, The Bonobo Way of Peace Through Pleasure
Performance Erotica: Stripping & Dancing to Saigon Kick’s “SUZY” Song, Panties, Sybian Ride, Playing With Snake Evie, Absente Absinthe Shots, Pole-Dancing, Sex Stix, Fellatio on Dr. PhilGood’s “Dong,” Playing with Munkey-Barz, Dr. PhilGood’s Little Black Heart in Action, After-Party Naked Trapeze, Naked Rickshaw Ride, Peter Piper, Hula-Hooping, More Mouth-Widening Fellatio on The Real Varone, Groupie Sex