The SUZY Awards 2016. Photo: Tim Nguyen

Length 1:59:01 Date: January 7, 2016

by Dr. Susan Block.

Still *in recovery* from our scintillating New Year’s Eve bacchanal, we gather together in the Womb Room on our first broadcast of 2017, reflecting upon our 44 great shows of 2016, as we ceremoniously bestow The SUZY Awards for the fifth consecutive year. Honoring excellence in broadcast artistry and exhibitionism, the DrSusanBlock.Tv Awards, a.k.a., “The SUZYS,” recognize erotic performance, sexual intelligence and Weapons of Mass Seduction, celebrating The Bonobo Way of ‘peace through pleasure’ in all kinds of weather and paying tribute, with love, humor and deep respect, to those who work and play in the fields of peace and sexuality.

Nothing like kicking off a brand new year with a sexy salute to the one just past and those who made it memorable. Yes indeed, Brother and Sisters, before XBIZ, the AVNs, the TEAs, the Oscars, the Grammies, the Emmys and the Golden Globes (beat ’em by a day) do their awarding, we are here, slightly hung-over but happy to be “The Greatest Sexuality Show on Earth,” acknowledging the best of 2016 with The SUZYS!

Of course, ascertaining what is “the best” is always quite subjective, but there are certain qualifiers. To win a SUZY award, you must either have been a guest or placed a product on The Dr. Susan Block Show in 2016. And no, our winners were not processed thru the Electoral College, though Russian hackers may have influenced the vote, we can’t really say.  

In any case, our goal, besides having a cum-ton of fun, is to further better sex education, superior sexuality research and development, more interesting and entertaining pornography, a more sex-positive and sapiosexually stimulating aesthetic and a more bonoboësque ethos in the world.

Presenting The SUZYS 2016 with Gypsy Bonobo. Photo: Zane Bono

Speaking of “ethos,” our Bonoboville Ethics Committee (which, unlike Congress, is not under consideration for dismantling) stipulates that Bonoboville staff members, though extremely deserving, are not eligible to receive SUZY awards unless they were guests on the show before they became staff.  I do, however, want to give a special shout-out to Del Rey, who came up with the idea of categorizing the awards this year, which I hope makes them easier to read. We did have a hard time settling on categories for a few. For instance, does “Best Singing Porn Star” belong under “porn” or “music”? Does “Most Promising Porn Star Politician” go under “porn” or “politics? Well, we make our choices, and we try our best.

And the Winners Are…

#GoBonobos

• “Most Bonobo” – Danièle Watts & Chef Be*Live
• “Most Bonobo Group” – The San Diego FemDom 4
• “Most Adorable” – Amor “Baby Block” Hilton
• “Best Bartender” – Handsome Hollywood Jake
• “Sexiest Bartender” – Shannon Coronado
• “Most Socially Engaged “ – Sarah Bella
• “Best Bonobo Conservation” – Lola ya Bonobo
• “Best Bonobo Conservation” – Bonobo Conservation Initiative
• “International Female Empowerment” – Malcolm Jones

Porn for the People!

• “Best Female Ejaculator” – Alana Cruise (Savannah Fyre)
• “Best Male Ejaculator” – Eric John
• “Most Receptive” – Maya Kendrick
• “Funniest Porn Star” – Evan Stone
• “Most Orgasmic Sybian Ride” – Loni Legend
• “Wildest Sex Toy” – Cricket Rose,Paranormal Perversions
• “Best Singing Porn Star” – Kenzie Jamez, 99Dollz
• “Hottest Mother/Son” – Baylie Kruz, 99Dollz

 Let’s Talk Sex

• “Best Sexpert” – Betty Dodson
• “Sexiest Sex Therapist” – Myrtle Means
• “Sexiest Author” – Moushumi Ghose,MA MFT
• “Best Scary Sex Storyteller” – Reneé Asher Pickup
• “Best Consensuality Education Project” – Wry Mantione

BDSM, Fetish & Kink

• “Best Dr. Suzy Spanking” – Mistress Cyan
• “Sexiest Domme” – Madam Raven Rae
• “Most Creative Domme” – Mistress Porcelain Midnight
• “Best Bonobo Way Book-Spanking” – Mistress Porcelain Midnight
• “Most Enterprising Domme” – Goddess Fae Black
• “Most Dazzling Domme” – Goddess Phoenix
• “Sweetest Mistress” – Mistress Erikka Rijks
• “Sultriest Domme” – Eva Cruz
• “Best Medical Domination” – Madam Sydney Jones
• “Best Shoe Dangle” – Jacqueline DuMonde
• “Best Fetish Masks” – Gasmaskgirls
• “Best Fetish Name” – Miss Freudian Slit
• “Best Blast from the Past” – Sheree Rose
• “Best Boobie Cake Plate” – Rhiannon Aarons
• “Sexiest Animal Act” – Madame Margherite & “Monkey”
• “Most Statuesque” – Lady Miguire
• “Best Gender Bender“ – Jay Toriko
• “Best Submissive” – Jacquie Blu

Music

• “Sexiest Rapper“ – Ikkor the Wolf
• “Sexiest Live Band “ – TheDTEASE
• “Sexiest Rocker” – Wilson Gil
• “Most Bonobo Song” – Carmina Formosa [ai] “The Kinkster”
• “Best Pianist” – Nori Carter
• “Best Topless Ukulele” – Mistress Selina Minx
• “Best Elvis Tribute Artist” – Smokey Binion, Jr.
• “Biggest Instrument” – Jah Rah Zen
• “Most Colorful” – Missy Galore
• “Sexiest Spoken Word Performance” – Imani Cupe
• “Best Harmonica” – Ron Jeremy

Arts & Media

• “Sexiest Funny Girls” – Unlicensed Professionals
• “Best Anal Artist” – Catherine Imperio
• “Sexiest Photocopier” –Samantha Fairley
• “Sexiest Mainstream Actress” – Danièle Watts
• “Sexiest Chef” – Chef Be*Live
• “Best Human Serving Dish” – Cortney Palm “Sushi Girl”
• “Best Celebrity Photographer” – Michael Wisnieux
• “Best Hair Stylist” – Mark Brown
• “Best Bonobo-in-the-Field” – Tracy Vanity
• “Most Bonobo Off-Campus Interview”- Greg Friedman

Products

• “Best Liqueur” – Agwa de Bolivia Herbal Coca Leaf Liqueur
• “Best Rum” – Ron de Jeremy rum
• “Best Wine” – Wein-Erotik-Edition
• “Best Leather” – JuxLeather
• “Best Cannabis Cookies” – Cannabelly
• “Best Sex Educational Puppet” – Wondrous Vulva Puppet
• “Best Condoms” – Glyde America Vegan Condoms
• “Most Orgasmic Sex Toy” – Hitachi Magic Wand
• “Best Wild Ride” – Sybian

Politics

• “Smartest Sex Worker” – Siouxsie Q James
• “Best Political Campaign” – Free Speech Coalition
• “Most Promising Porn Star Politician” – Julia Ann
• “Best U.S. Presidential Candidate” – Mistress Tara Indiana
• “Funniest U.S. Presidential Candidate” – Jeffrey Vallance
• “Best Political Art” – Neverwuz, Scott Seidman
• “Sexiest Lawyer” – Barry Fisher
• “Sexiest Fundamentalist Refugee” – Luzer Twersky
• “Most Bonobo Resistance Movement” – Water Protectors at Standing Rock
• “Most Bonobo Political Speech” – Chris Gagliardi
• “Biggest Anti-Sex Asshole” – Michael Weinstein
• “Biggest Asshole” – Donald J. Trump
• “Best Trump Impersonator” – Marcus Nehemiah
• “Sexiest Trump Voter – Tammie Parrott

What a star-studded listicle of sexperts, sexpots, artists, exhibitionists, visionaries and revolutionaries. Congratulations to the winners and consolations to the losers—though, once again, lucky Luzer is a winner. Ba-dum-boom!

In a way, the SUZYs are the pro-sex anti-award awards. While some of our awards are serious, many are parodies, and a few are even “boobie” prizes. Also, we don’t do the whole “envelope please” thing—too much trouble! Though we are very safety conscious. Gypsy Bonobo and I, decked out in ceremonial silver and gold, carefully place a condom on the head of our (very safe) SUZY statuette which, at optimal balance, looks like a latex halo or one of my hats, even if it does keep falling off and maybe needs to be re-designed for our 2017 awards show by the Bonoboville art department.

SUZY Awards Ritual: Licking the Golden Wings of the Statuette. Photo: Tim Nguyen

More SUZY awards rituals ensue, we lick our rather phallic SUZY statuette’s golden wings for good luck, and I give Gypsy a Happy Nude Rear (well, happy G-string and fishnet pantyhose) Bonobo Way book–spanking. Got to start the new year well-read or, well… red!

As is traditional for The SUZYs, we don’t invite the winners or the losers, or anyone at all to the actual ceremony. In fact, we sort of discourage people from coming to this one. However, a few Bonoboville members and friends show up anyway, and it just so happens that some of them win awards, so they come up to the broadcast bed, play with their statuettes, give speeches, thank their friends, their Mom or “God” or “the Goddess” and even squeeze in some politics, just like on the Oscars.

SUZY Winners in the House

Our first in-house winner and surprise guest is Madame Margherite, looking quite glamorous in her cruelty-free fake fur collar, accompanied by Andres Solorzano, garbed as a very cute but somewhat ornery cheetah.

Together they accept their SUZY award for “Sexiest Animal Act” with purrs of appreciation and a few choice growls.

“Sexiest Animal Act.” Photo: Zane Bono

Next is Jacquie Blu, winner of “Best Submissive.” Of course, Jacquie is on staff now, but no, this is not a case for the Bonoboville Ethics Committee. She won her SUZY award fair and square for the amazing submissive performances she did as a guest for several DrSuzy.Tv shows before she joined the staff.

Jacquie Blu accepts her SUZY award for “Best Submissive,” explaining that she is a “pain slut.” Photo: Zane Bono

The secret to her success? “I’m a pain slut,” she explains. She also has an oral fixation which she demonstrates as she takes the condom halo off of her SUZY statuette and sucks the golden head like the phallic object that it is. Jacquie has been nominated for a bunch of other awards from different entities, but we are proud to say that The SUZY is her first win!

Jacquie sucks the golden head of her SUZY Award. Photo: Zane Bono

We have a veritable orchestra pit of winners for our “Music” category, and two happen to be on premises. First, Nori Carter is the grand prize winner of “Best Pianist,” previously bestowed upon Ron Jeremy who won “Best Harmonica” this year.  Since we brought my great grandmother’s 1926 Steinway baby grand piano out of cobwebs and into a position of honor in our erotic art gallery, several great musicians have played upon it from Ron himself (not just a penis; he’s a pianist) to Elvis Schoenberg to Daniele Watts and Chef Be*LiVE (our “Most Bonobo” winners) to Sarin the GasMaskGirl.  But Nori’s way with the ivories is truly exceptional. Completely self-taught, he makes those keys sing, thunder and moan, improvising utterly rapturous melodies, and he treats us to a small concert after the show.

SUZY Award-Winning Pianist Nori Carter plays the Steinway in front of one of Scott Seidman’s award-winning paintings. Photo: Abe Bonobo

Next up is the world’s “Sexiest Rapper,” Ikkor the Wolf, in his chic Bonoboville T-shirt.

Ikkor the Wolf thanks “God” and Bonoboville for his SUZY award. Photo: Zane Bono

Though we don’t have time for a live song—too many awards to give out!—we watch and listen to him free-styling on an amazing clip as two other winners, Eric John (“Best Male Ejaculator”) and Maya Kendrick (“Most Receptive”), bang away in rhythm to his rap.

Ikkor the Wolf wins “Sexiest Rapper.” Selfie

We actually play several winning clips on this show, all of which you can watch individually on Clip-O-Rama. Kudos to Mars FX and Jacquie for editing the clips, to Del Rey for the research and development and to Harry Sapien for organizing this project, as well as coming up with great pictures of most of the winners, making the SUZY awards 2016 must-see TV.

#GoBonobos in 2k17 ! Photo: Zane Bono

We also get a few great tweets mid-broadcast from some of the winners who are watching the show, including Chris Gagliardi (“Most Bonobo Political Speech who tells us he is “on Cloud 9” accepting his “prestigious #SUZYaward.”  He also tells his mom who tweets that his win is a “glorious day for my son.” Congratulations, Chris’ Mom! And Chris, keep making those fiery pro-bonobo, anti-bullying speeches in 2017; people will need them more than ever.

The Boobie Prize

Naturally we need to celebrate with  Bonoboville Communion, and since the winners get to win, a couple of us “losers” get the “boobie prize.”

Pan’s First Waterboarding, Bonobo-Style. Photo: Tim Nguyen

Bonoboville Communers include Paniscus Brecht and Gypsy Bonobo, last seen kissing at midnight on NYE, as well as yours truly, all of us being purely (if you could call us pure) on Bonoboville staff, never on the show as “guests.”

Thus, with ceremonial panache, Bonoboville Communion Altar Girl Gypsy doffs her top to reveal her lovely all-natural “altar,” and Pan and I each take a lick of our beautiful boobie prize. Then Pan takes Ron down his throat; that is, I “waterboard” him, “bonobo-style,” with Ron de Jeremy rum, winner of “Best Rum,” as he leans back between Gypsy’s legs. I myself take a swig of Agwa di Bolivia Herbal Coca Leaf Liqueur, winner of “Best Liqueur,” of course.

Free the Nipple & Stuff Trump’s Mouth with this “Asshole” award. Photo: Tim Nguyen

As the celebrations continue into the night, shaking up the twinkling Garden of Bonoboville, the Chairman of the Bonoboville Ethics Committee, a.k.a. (Capt’n Max) and I go off to deliberate and celebrate with our own private fireworks, getting stoked for another a rather unpredictable year.  Join us on the path of peace through pleasure! Maybe you’ll win an award.

Award-Giving RƎVO˩utionaries. Selfie

See 2015’s Winners.
See 2014’s winners.
See 2013’s Winners.
See 2012’s Winners.

© January 8, 2017. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.