MEMORIAL AMOR with Ron Jeremy, a Mad Masturbation Month Bike Ride & the Oculus Rift
Length 2:54:07 Date: May 23, 2015
by Dr. Susan Block
It’s the third Saturday of Masturbation Month, falling smack in the middle of Memorial Day Weekend, so manhandle those hot dogs and mash those potatoes, Brothers and Sisters! On the surface, Memorial Day seems like just a nice, festive, family-oriented celebration with lots of outdoor cooking—the Great American BBQ holiday. But it’s really a requiem for the dead—the people who are barbecued in America’s Perma-Wars. It’s for American meat only though; the other dead can get their own holiday, eh? Memorial Day is America’s dog and pony show of patriotism for our dead soldiers; those shot down, shattered and barbecued in any number of America’s Perma-Wars, none of which have any clear winner, except in the weapons and defense industry. The faux remembrance day is really all about poor barbecued soldiers and civilians, whose deaths only seem to enrich the rich. No wonder most of us need to jack (or jill) off, and not just in May. We are the Masturbation Nation serving the Multi-National Corporations in a Wank-tastic World.
And I pretty much wank my way through the entire first hour of this almost-three-hour show, since my featured guests are exceedingly late. So I pass the time, lounging in my lingerie on my broadcast bed, playing with Snake Eve and raging against Memorial Day’s glorification of war (“Masturbation Not Occupation!”) with Capt’n Max. Then I introduce my sexy new DrSuzy.Tv producer/assistant, Elizabeth (also a new therapist with the Institute) all decked out like a flag for the holiday. We give her a warm welcome, she handles a snake for the first time (Eve is great with newbies) and we chat about various things, including Carrie Weisman’s new Alternet article on female ejaculation (which happens to quote yours truly profusely). Elizabeth confesses to being a squirter and, removing her red mask, she proclaims, for the first time in public, that she is bisexual. Testify, Sister Elizabeth! When she amends that to “pansexual,” everybody in the Womb Room nods excitedly, since that essentially means they are all contenders.
Whereupon Luzer Twersky strolls into the bar, nattily attired in a brown tweed Duncan Quinn bespoke suit. Our Weapons of Mass Discussion include: Memorial Day (of course); religious abuse; the exciting sex life of a “Best Actor”-award-winning former Hasid; the new Wiley-Blackwell Sex Encyclopedia, now infiltrating libraries, universities and the nubile mind of students, and for which I wrote entries on Cuckolding, Spanking, Striptease, Phone Sex and Fetish; Luzer’s personal fetishes for African-American women and bacon; Three Cheers for the Irish legalizing same-sex marriage (thanks for the tip, Chris Gagliardi!); Dr. SerenaGaia’s forthcoming Ecosexuality collection; my Frank Moore for President pin; FemDom Great Apes at DomCon with DDI; and Israel’s best export: Penthouse Pet of the Year Layla Sin (next week’s guest!)—until his date arrives, at which point he sinks back into the studio audience. Meanwhile my featured guests of the night are nowhere in sight.
Their phone calls and texts, however, keep us apprised… of what, we’re not sure. At various points, they are “five minutes away,” “in an Uber,” “in the building,” “on the wrong street,” “lost” and “on their way.” Finally, they are “here.” At least, one of them is.
Strike up the band: Amor Hilton is back in Bonoboville, brothers and sisters! Baby Block has returned to her Mama from her East Coast wanderings (New York, New Jersey, Miami), and let’s just say: she’s worth the wait. Doll-faced, tousled-blonde, adorable, amor-able Amor makes me forget how I was just fuming—live-on-the-air—over her incorrigible tardiness. Cute or moot, she must be spanked (another sound book-spanking with The Bonobo Way!), and the ballet pink sweat suit has got to go. Off comes the top to #FreeTheNipple for “Bonoboville Communion” with Agwa, and yes, Amor’s boobs have grown (must be all those Jersey cows) and are even more succulently delicious, with salt. And yes, they’re still, thankfully, all-natural; Amor having politely refused Max Hardcore’s offer of a boob job and a Honda Civic for a starring role in one of his notorious flicks. Finally, down go the sweatpants, and a hush comes over the Bonoboville congregation as our eyes are baptized in the glorious nakedness of our Goddess of Love. What a vision!
Now it’s time to celebrate the Month of May, and we have just the thing for that: Nick Salazar’s Mad-X-Bike, the Ultimate Masturbation Driving Machine with a built-in Hitachi and a rather large pink dong rising up from the seat. In fact the entire bike is pink—with a spritz of red, white and blue, in patriotic memory of the barbecued—so it’s the perfect ride for our pretty-in-pink Amor. Making up for her lateness like the good girl she is, our nude Goddess of Love wastes no time hopping on. And in this case, “hopping” means sitting down on that giant Condomania condom-covered pink dildo, with just a squirt of help from “Boink N’ Oink” bacon-flavored lube by Wet. I then turn on the Hitachi and off she rides into the wild orgasmic yonder. Yeehaw! Either Amor studied Method Acting in New York these past months, or she has a genuine gigantic orgasm riding the Mad-X-Bike. Merry Masturbation Month!
With Amor in an orgasmic afterglow from her Mad-X-Bike ride, and just a minute to go, we’re about to close up when guess who arrives? The other MIA featured guest, our iconic ironic friend, Ron Jeremy, old-school porn star, mainstream sex icon, the King of punny schtick with a big dick (although he’s “Not Just a Penis—a Pianist!”). Our late but beloved Mayor of Bonoboville takes the stage, bearing another bottle of delicious spicy Ron de Jeremy rum in exchange for clemency. It’s tough to say which is bigger, Ron’s funny bone or his boner, but he regales us with joke-after-joke on all points of the politically incorrect spectrum. He also gives longtime buddy Dennis Hof’s new book, The Art of the Pimp: A Love Story, a plug. Speaking of Memorial Day, the Bunnyranch offers freebies and discounts to soldiers on leave; that’s how patriotic they are. Then, from talking about the newly released Wiley-Blackwell Encyclopedia of Human Sexuality, we go to Ron Jeremy’s dictionary of vile sex acts he learned from undergrads on the college circuit, from a “Dirty Sanchez” to a “Cherry Cheesecake,” which we won’t explain, though you can look it up in the urban dictionary, but whatever you do, don’t do it!
At this point, we’re way into overtime, but Ron keeps going non-stop with the zingers, one-liners, jokes and yarns. The only thing to make him quit kibitzing for a few minutes is a fantastic new toy brought to us by former Bonobovillian-in-Residence Nori Carter. This toy is called the Oculus Rift, a virtual reality (VR) device that throws all your old 3D glasses and VR notions onto the dust heap of technological history. The Oculus Rift represents a brand new communication platform on the scale of the telephone in the 1870s or television in the 1920s: that is, the holographic 3D experience. It is already infiltrating the worlds of gaming and is poised to penetrate mainstream filmmaking, education, design, medical training and much more. As for porn, Oculus Rift inventor, the young, smart and extremely lucky Palmer Luckey, said at the first Silicon Valley Virtual Reality Conference last week in San Jose that (despite being owned by Facebook) Oculus has no plans to block any X-rated content or apps from utilizing his revolutionary open platform. Since Nori’s program is from the male point of view, it gives me the distinct feeling that I have a penis. I could see the trans-curious really getting into how the other gender lives (and screws) via VR. Most of the bonobos can’t get enough of those goofy-looking Oculus Rift goggles, immersing ourselves into both porn and non-porn VR experiences. Once they’re affordable, we could be on the brink of a Masturbation Revolution.
Expect to see more 3D porn in the coming years, and expect to see Ron Jeremy in some of it. The hardest working man in show biz is ready to penetrate the horny minds of the next generation.
And welcome back to Bonoboville, Amor “Baby Block” Hilton!
© May 24, 2015. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.
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