First Show in the New Space! Plus My Meeting with Claudine André: Saint Joan of the Bonobos
Virgin sex sounds hot, and sometimes it is, but the reality is often rife with great expectations, premature ejaculations and dumb mistakes. Sade sings that “It’s Never As Good As the First Time,” but just as often, the first time can be the worst time. Of course, there’s a first time for everything and, more important, there’s only one first time for anything. You never get to have a second first time. That just puts more pressure on a pressure-cooker situation.
First time radio shows are like first time sex, from expectations to idiocy. Our virgin live broadcast from our awesome New Bonoboville by LAX (with a capital X) is a great show, but like so many first times, it contains one little boo-boo that burns up the whole enchilada: Somebody didn’t hit the record button. At least not the right record button. I won’t say who (though you can rest assured that I spanked the culprits so hard, my hand still hurts) because it wasn’t deliberate. It was just pure dumbassedness. The kind of screw-up you’d expect from a virgin. Except these were no virgins. I’m not one to judge, and whoever’s fault it was, it is now, essentially, my fault, being as the buck stops here and guess whose name is up on the resplendent DrSuzy.Tv marquee. So, I offer my humble apologies to members and non-members alike (since the audio is always free).
Ah well, you live and learn as you swing through life. And you always have to remember: it could have been worse. In this case, nobody died, got hurt or lost their wallet. And the whole thing streamed live beautifully (another reason you need to catch the show live), and the webcam audio did record some of the show. Just not the callers! Which was too bad because we had some very cool first-time callers. First was Man-Bear in the Mid-West who charmed us all, and that was even before he revealed that he had his very first orgasm while watching a friend’s tape (yes a VHS cassette tape!) of “Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy” on HBO. Santa Barbara’s sultry Catherine Imperio and Samantha Fairley, two of our favorite DrSuzy.Tv guests ever, also called in to congratulate us on our awesome new Bonoboville by LAX (with a capital X) and let us know that they will soon be our in-studio guests with one of the finest sex-rock bands in the world, the DTease.
Our in-studio guests were also pretty cool, partly because they weren’t really guests, starting with Capt’n Max, my first mate of 22 years, first husband (also last), butler, Prince of Prague and Naples and Captain of this Ship of Fools that can’t find the record button. Well, at least he’s not his fellow Italian Captain Francesco Schettino who, while attempting to impress a female passenger with how close he could steer his cruise ship to the picturesque island of Giglia, slammed into the not-so-picturesque rocks, causing the horrific watery deaths of 32 people and injuring 150 more, whereupon Francesco freaked and abandoned ship, cowering in a lifeboat as his crew searched for him and his gigantic vessel turned over on its side like a dead brontosaurus. Talk about screwing up! At least, my captain didn’t abandon ship. And despite our leaky vessel, we’re still sailing along the high seas.
Next to the Captain is First Mate Trixie Plenty, our hot new Institute manager and therapist, looking fabulous in a shimmering Corset-Story corset, tutu, fishnets and mismatched socks. Speaking of losing virginity, Trixie broke in the new in-studio stripper pole, fishnets flying, spinning around over my head, twerking her bootie like Miley Cyrus with curves. And yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, we may not know where the damn record button is, but RadioSUZY1 has a stripper pole in our broadcast studio! Eat your heart out, Howard.
Also in-studio was the winner of our world-wide producer contest, our new DrSuzy.Tv show producer, Lily Kirkwood, all dolled up like Madonna’s version of a virgin, a Bombshells Burlesque director from Fort Wayne, Indiana, heart of America’s heartland, home of the Kinsey Institute. But no, even though Lily’s now the producer, we can’t blame her for the recording screw-up because she’s the only one who actually is a virgin—to the show anyway. Actually, we hear about how Lily, Trixie and Max all lost their sexual virginity, and you can too. That part got recorded.
In the midst of all the virgin talk, I take a sharp detour into a whole different topic, though still related to sex, but then, isn’t everything? The new subject is actually one I talk about almost every show: bonobos. But this time, I’m thrilled as a besotted fangirl to report that I just met one of my few true heroes, the amazing bonobo savior and conservationist, founder and director of Lola ya Bonobo, Claudine André. After almost 20 years of admiring Claudine from afar, I had the honor of meeting her at a reception given by Solana Beach bonobo activist Debbie Sandler. I have to say, in person, Madame André is even more luminous, ageless and charming than her media image projects. And she is not just a talker, she walks the talk right through the jungles, nursing orphaned baby bonobos whose mothers have been shot dead for bushmeat by poachers. Though everyone wanted to chat and pose with the guest of honor, I was thrilled to get a few minutes alone with this Saint Joan of the Bonobos who has saved so many little refugees at Lola, her leafy green sanctuary just outside Kinshasa in the Democratic Republic of Congo, once a favorite weekend getaway for that infamous old, leopard-capped dictator, Mobuto Sese Seko. I wrote about Claudine in my blog on Vanessa Wood’s marvelous book Bonobo Handshake, and I will write more in my own forthcoming book The Bonobo Way. But right now, if you care about saving our very special kissing cousins from imminent extinction, I want you to grab that nice big fat wallet of yours and spend just a few dollars. That’s all it takes to adopt a bonobo or two at FriendsOfBonobos.org, and I promise it will make you feel so very good about yourself and make a huge difference in the world.
When I asked Claudine about changes going on in the DRC, she replied that China is increasing its influence, as it is in more and more of the world. Since she kindly acknowledged my Letter to Kabilah from the 1990s when the old rebel took over the country, I’m thinking of writing another, similar letter to the Chinese ambassador to the DRC, asking them to do what they can to save the bonobos. Since they are exploiting the region’s resources, the least they can do is to help preserve it’s riches. The bonobos are worth far more than all the oil reserves and coltan mines in the world. If the Chinese could save the pandas, maybe they can save the bonobos. Pandas may be cute, but bonobos are our brothers and sisters. If we lose them, we lose a very important piece of ourselves that we can never get back.
That’s a lot worse than forgetting to hit “record,” just to put things back into perspective. If we lose a recording or two, that’s okay. But we can’t lose the bonobos! We cannot let this one just slip past our ditzy human consciousness like the Dodo Bird and the Woolly Mammoth! Adopt a bonobo now and keep hope alive.
Meanwhile, our little human Bonoboville by LAX is becoming more and more “ours” every day, and soon it will be yours, in a way, as well. The preacher and the dragon lady are gone! Hallelujah. Amen and Awomen. First the preacher wouldn’t budge, hollering through the courtyard that God told him he could stay here against the law, quoting chapter and verse. Then he lost every aspect of his case, and he said God told him to move, quoting a different chapter and verse. Amazing what religious people get away with. Amazing grace.
Anyway, now we’re just down to the pusher, the blind mullahs and the hot beautician. I’d keep the hot beautician, but she’s currently illegally occupying what’s supposed to be my office, so I’d have to keep her tied up in a cage, naked, with her consent, of course. But that sink filled with hair and toxic cream rinse has got to go. Speaking of hair, for this show, my own goldilocks and Capt’n Max’s hairs were cut and styled by Kenny Do Cuts. Call him at 310.613.9027
In just a few days, we should have this whole awesome building with its romantic balconies and lush gardens—and soon a hot tub!—for our ongoing evolving Bonoboville. We’re also developing the online Bonoboville with our old pal Leo9, and looking forward to even more awesome shows in the very near future, including the return of Stripperella with Angela Sommers and Anthony Winn. We’ll also do an interview with living legendary burlesque icon Tempest Storm. Though we interviewed the late great Bettie Page (who performed in Teaserama with Tempest) as well as the 21st century’s hottest burlesque star Dita Von Teese, this will be our first time with Tempest Storm who is now making a documentary about her amazing life.
Speaking of First Times…If you haven’t yet had your first time—in terms of sexual intercourse, that is—may I make a few suggestions? Actually, here ya go: the 10 Commandments of Virgin Sex (received from on high—very high—from what I assume is as legitimate a divine source as the preacher’s ever-changeable Lord and Savior):
1) Don’t do it just because someone else wants you to. Do it because you want to and you’re ready.
2) Unless your first time is your wedding night, practice safe sex and birth control; don’t start your sex life with an act of romantic stupidity.
3) Do it with someone you love or think you love or at least like a lot. Definitely do it with someone you trust, or at least, think you trust.
4) Location, location, location. Do it in a safe, private place.
5) Don’t be in a hurry! Especially you guys. As Kirkegaard said, “Most men pursue pleasure with such breathless haste that they hurry past it.” Don’t let your hormonal impatience blow it for you. Take your time the first time, and every time. However if you do happen to blow it early, don’t worry about it. Since you’re probably young, you’ll be able to do it again shortly.
6) Don’t do it just to be cool. Don’t do it just because your friends are doing it. Don’t do it to rebel or get back at your parents.
7) Don’t do it just to get it over with.
8) Remember there is no formula for how first times—or any sexual times—are supposed to happen. The best laid plans may not get you laid the way you planned!
9) Remember the first time is not usually the best time—that goes for sex and live radio broadcasts. It’s a learning experience. Just like the first time you ride a bike, you don’t have your balance, the first time you make love, you haven’t yet discovered the balance of your body parts and feelings.
10) If you can’t follow all these commandments, don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s just your first time—not your last time.