Tiger’s Wood: Love Cablinasian Style
“The same principle which forbids me to lie does not allow me to tell the truth.”
Giacomo Casanova, Histoire de Ma Vie (Story of My Life)
I’m in the midst of a humongous move and have no time to even look at the news, let alone write about it. But how can I – how can anyone – avoid the Erotic Adventures of Tiger Woods? It’s a soap operatic porno reality show streaming live before our eyes, ears, sanctimonious sensibilities and deep voyeuristic desires.
At first, I thought, so what? Another sports superstar is caught having illicit sex with a few different mistresses? Well, more than a few. But is that such a surprise? So Tiger’s got wood! Sure, he presented himself as the honest, monogamous “Family Man” to score the most lucrative endorsements he could. But don’t all sports stars do that? And does anyone over 18 actually believe that any of these hot-blooded jocks really ARE that? I mean, isn’t Tiger’s active, messy sex life par for the course?
Yes and no. In some ways, Mr. Woods is a typical alpha male. And in some ways, he’s special. Tiger’s harem is bigger than most sports stars, though he hardly touches basketball Hall of Famer Wilt Chamberlain who confessed to having had sex with over 20,000 different women. Both Wilt and Tiger could be labeled what counselors and sexperts deem a “sex addict.” But professional athletes are often found to be addicted to all kinds of dangerous drugs. And sex – especially the way Tiger seems to have used it – is a kind of drug.
Interracial Sperm Wars
But why all the fuss? Because a black guy is getting all the white women? Not just a gorgeous, Swedish, blonde, blue-eyed, whiter-than-white wife, but a bevy of Aryan bikini models, porn stars, hot hostesses and waitresses. Are people secretly alarmed by all that interracial sex? Or are they aroused by it? Or both?
My cuckold sex therapy clients are blowing up my phone, like First Mistress Rachel Uchitel is reported to have squealed that Tiger was “blowing up [her] phone” when they first met. Just in case you don’t know, a cuckold is a guy whose wife has sex with other men. On the surface, it sounds like a bad deal for the cuckold, but a lot of husbands fantasize about their wives having sex with other men because the Sperm Wars Effect turns them on. The presence or mere fantasy of male competition for the woman you desire triggers a man’s testicles to increase sperm production so as to better compete for the egg with the other guy’s sperm, enhancing arousal, erection and ejaculation.
Tiger himself seems to be turned on by the Sperm Wars effect. Consider how he goes for “slutty” women who have a lot of lovers. His text messages may make him seem *jealous* of their other men, but he’s actually aroused by the competition.
The interracial sex aspect kicks it up a notch. The most popular turn-on for my Caucasian cuckold clients is to see their white wives having wild sex with well-endowed African-American men. Now that the Cadillac has hit the tree, so to speak, their biggest fantasy is to see their wives or girlfriends doing Tiger Woods. He’s the old myth of the “Mandingo” come to life, the black man who comes to town and seduces all the white men’s wives. Though only Tiger’s single girlfriends have come forward, that doesn’t exclude married lovers who would naturally be more inclined to be discreet. As I write this, millions of cuckolds around the world, wondering if Tiger’s been doing their wives, are worshiping the Woodsman as the Great Black Sex God. Even though he says he’s not black.
Integration through Sex
Actually, I like Tiger’s definition of himself (on Oprah) as being “Cablinasian,” a mix of Caucasian, African, Thai, Chinese and Native American. The term, silly as it sounds, points the way to our mixed-race future, where I’ve long predicted that we will soon achieve “Integration through Sex,” and racial bigotry will seem as strange as hieroglyphics.
But in the meantime, most Americans, racist bigots or excited cuckolds, just look at Tiger and say he’s black. Then they look at all his hot white concubines in teeny bikinis, and they don’t know whether to call the cops or masturbate. Or both.
I must confess I am personally hoping that at least one of Tiger’s Girls comes out with a film of their lovemaking. I’d watch it, wouldn’t you? Tiger’s Wood caught on tape! Of course, several companies in Porn Valley are already in production on their XXX versions of Puttergate, with Cablinasian porn stars vying to play Tiger. Adam & Eve is casting Tyler Knight as the title lead in “Tiger’s Wood” with Kayden Kross as wife Elin Nordegren.
Porn is, after all, a big part of Tiger’s story. At least two of his alleged mistresses, Holly Sampson and Joslyn James, are actual porn stars with long lists of credits. And really, “Tiger Woods” is such a porn name to begin with. It’s like his parents raised him to be a famous stud, as well as a sports star. And don’t they go together? Athletes tend to have hot, big, strong bodies, powerful drives and lots of stamina. And isn’t the ultimate hole-in-one between the legs of a hot woman?
Tiger the Exhibitionist
It’s the 9-iron swinging in his pants that is probably Tiger’s greatest pride and biggest embarrassment. He seems to yearn to show it off, in addition to sticking it into a lot of places, er, women, and mostly without protection (according to one of his mistresses), another no-no. An exhibitionist like Tiger must be frustrated that professional golf clothes tend to be loose trousers, instead of those tight football pants or bicycle shorts. So he shows it off in other ways.
Tiger is obviously no raincoat flasher, nor is he a professional exhibitionist like his porn star girlfriends. But he seems to have a profound desire to expose himself, or perhaps to be exposed, caught in the act he loves best.
Why else would such a disciplined person be so careless about his indiscretions? Did his inner Bad Boy really wanted to get caught so he could end the impossible Good Boy charade he’s put on all his life? His lovers say he enjoys outdoor sex, and I don’t think it’s just because he’s a nature-lover. On some level, he wanted his wild side – the inner Tiger – to leap out of its respectable cage and romp around the world, risking being caught. Many of my sex therapy clients are exhibitionists who lead elaborate double lives. Though they take great pains to keep their philandering secrets from leaking into their public, respectable, married lives, they often fantasize about being “caught” by authorities, relatives or the whole world. Tiger Woods, a man of action, did more than fantasize. He made it happen.
While Bad Tiger exposes himself to the world, Good Tiger is doing damage control. He won a court injunction against anyone publishing nude photos of himself, so it might be a while before we get to see Tiger’s actual wood. But the fact that he sought the court injunction means photos probably do exist. With all of his professional exhibitionist girlfriends, I’m sure several hard drives and iPhones are filled with photos of their super-special sex with Tiger.
And if they show it, we will watch. We will gawk, point and laugh about “Tiger being a Cheetah.” Sex is a comedy, not a tragedy. Tragedies abound in the world, a war in Afghanistan rages on, and we can never find Osama (I still think he’s in China). But we got Tiger by the tail. So let’s all point and laugh at Tiger the Fool, caught with his golf knickers down around his ankles. He deserves a bit of ridicule for being such a world-class hypocrite and a sloppy one at that. Doesn’t he realize that a reality show star like Jaimee Grubbs is going to eventually publish all his *secret* sext messages? Of course, he does. Part of the turn-on is the risk, the danger, the game, the chance of being caught. Even the possibility of being blackmailed can be a turn-on to some hard-core exhibitionists. And Tiger is nothing if not hard-core.
Tiger Woods Syndrome: Philandering Family Man
What makes Tiger tick? Here is a sports star who was born into the game, like Michael Jackson was born into pop music. A Mozart of this strange lily-white diversion called golf, little Eldrick Tont “Tiger” Woods was another angel-faced boy prodigy driven by his taskmaster father, Earl Woods, who has fared better in the public eye than Joe Jackson – so far. Tiger won early, he won big and he kept winning. Rarely losing, it seems he never learned the important lessons of humility and empathy the rest of us reluctantly discover as we stumble through life while Tiger swings.
He wasn’t just a winner on the tees. Team Tiger parlayed his Prince of Golf athletic skills into the King of Endorsements; the world’s first billionaire sportsman. To win that game, he had to play the role of “family man” to the hilt, which he probably figured couldn’t be as hard as competitive sports. Maybe he thought a sex drive was as easy to control as a power drive. Maybe the life-long pressure to play Mr. Perfect, coupled with the recent death of his Svengali dad, made him crack or just curious to see how far he could push the boundaries of his charmed life. Maybe he just didn’t realize that “family man” is, for the most part, an ideal, and the ideal is the enemy of the real.
Pepsi, Gillette, Gatorade and the others pay – or paid – for the ideal Tiger Woods; the bullet-proof, squeaky clean, politically correct “brand” that isn’t quite human. The real Tiger Woods has emotions, fears and fantasies, an appetite for erotic variety, a weakness for flattery, a lust for sexual conquest, a fetish for danger and the charm, wealth, success and literal cockiness to get almost any lover he wants (at least, in the good old days).
Tiger’s not the Devil that so many stone-throwing, sanctimonious pundits make him out to be. How many of them would be able to resist all the tempting groupies that regularly throw themselves at sports stars? But he certainly does need sex therapy! It could save his life, his marriage and maybe even his brand. So I would like to put my money where my mouth is and offer Tiger six months of free sex therapy here at the Institute or in the undisclosed location of his choice.
Seriously, whether he gets the help he needs from me (and I wouldn’t tell you if he did) or someone else, there is no doubt that Tiger should talk to someone about his intense, downright explosive sexual feelings and fantasies. He needs a therapist to help him face the facts of his sexuality without judging his desires.
I imagine sexperts and psychologists are starting to call cases of philandering family men “Tiger Woods Syndrome.” I personally have many clients like Tiger; powerful, successful “family men” with conservative reputations who lead complicated double lives with secret mistresses and fetishes. Most manage to maintain their facades, as most of society maintains its façade, but some are exposed, some fantasize about being exposed, and some have exposure thrust upon them.
When uncovered, society tends to blame these guys for everything. But behind every philandering husband is a wife with some responsibility for their wounded marriage.
Elin The Club-Wielding Valkyrie
And so we come to Elin Nordegren Woods. The initial reports that she rescued Tiger from his crashed Cadillac Escalade by bashing in the window(s) and hauling him out to safety never quite made sense. More likely she went into a rage and chased the cheating bastard out of the house with a golf club (I really wish they could have filmed that) as the Tigerman, barefoot and on Ambien or Vicodin (depending on which tabloid you believe), seems to have jumped into his SUV just in time for her to bash it with the club before his brief but fateful drive into the fire hydrant (I wonder if it squirted) and subsequent neighbor’s tree. Permits notwithstanding, that neighbor would be smart to build a Tiger Woods Sex Museum around that tree, but I digress.
Going after her husband with a 5-iron doesn’t necessarily mean that Elin was surprised. She’s blonde but she couldn’t be that dumb; her dad is a Swedish radio bureau chief and her mom a politician. Considering the sheer size of Tiger’s harem, she must have known something about the *real* Tiger and agreed to tolerate his philandering as long as he kept up the lucrative Family Man appearance. Alas, he couldn’t do it. Humiliated by the National Enquirer outing and freaked over the prospect of losing all that endorsement money, Elin the Avenging, Club-Wielding Valkyrie appears to have used the instrument of Tiger’s success as the weapon of his destruction.
Tiger’s face was supposedly riddled with cuts and scratches that were not caused by anything that happened to the Cadillac, making it appear as if the lovely Elin committed some kind of domestic violence before the car accident. Then hubby seems to have covered for her with the “she was trying to save me from the car” story. On some level, they deserve each other.
And yes, poor Elin is surely in need of counseling too, and I would like to offer her the same deal of six months free sex therapy, as well as anger management therapy, whether she wants to stand by her man or not. I’d only have to insist that she leave the golf clubs in the SUV.
And then there’s couples counseling. I don’t know much about their relationship, but (like everyone else) I’ve been ogling their photos for days now, and I do believe that Tiger and Elin should preserve their marriage. Not just for the sake of the children, the endorsements and the whole Tiger Woods Empire, but because they look so damn hot together.
Seriously, I’d like to throw in a week-long stay at Couples Camp plus one year’s worth of weekly couples counseling. I’m not one to say “keep the marriage together at all costs,” but whether they want to stay together, separate or become honest swingers, there is no doubt that they need therapy. And if they both want to put in the effort to make this billion dollar marital enterprise work privately, publicly, sexually and otherwise, I’m sure I can help them to make an amazing comeback together.
Whether he goes to sex therapy, a Swedish island or Buddhist retreat, everyone agrees Tiger’s got to lay low for a year or two before he makes his great comeback. Sponsors come and sponsors go, but the world loves a Casanova. Tiger may not be the monolithic machine he once was, but he’ll still be in the game. It’s not like he raped any of these women, or even used the power of his position to coerce them. He didn’t even pay most of them, and is reputed to be as good between the sheets as he is on the greenways. Like Giacomo Casanova, who would probably have been labeled a “sex addict” if there had been sexperts in 18th century Italy, Tiger seduced with charm, not force. And since that is the Bonobo Way of peace through pleasure, you gotta love the big, lying lunk for it.
Of course, now he must say he’s sorry, big-time, to Elin and to all of us, and then maybe, just maybe we’ll forgive him, maybe love him even more. Most of us adore big, strong, club-swinging men who get down on their knees and apologize “profoundly,” with penitent looks on their naughty, naughty faces (even if we know they’ll just do it again when we’re not looking).
The Real Tiger
Tiger’s travails have even touched that other tall, dark, handsome, very successful, mixed-race American with a hot wife, President Barack Obama. The two are featured together on the bizarre current cover of Golf Digest (personally, I’ll take the philanderer over the war escalator but that’s another bloggamy). “10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger” is the headline, one of the tips being “Tiger never does anything that would make him ridiculous.”
Well, the joke’s on Golf Digest, because we all do things that make us ridiculous, especially in the sexual arena, especially in a society that demands eternal monogamy and moral perfection of a guy who reached the top of the social heap by hitting balls into holes. Anyway, all humans who are treated like gods ought to be taken down a notch, lest their heads swell up so much that they float away from us entirely. Thus, Tiger shall now “retire” from golf to work on being a “better husband, father and person.” Presumably, he’s also retiring from engaging in multiple extramarital affairs, the implication being that the golf swing leads to sexual swinging, or something like that.
If the Woodsman shows the world he can eat humble pie, then plays well when he makes his comeback, the endorsements will also come back, just like Subway came back to bong-sucking Michael Phelps and Nike topped Adidas for accused sex offender Kobe Bryant. And if he doesn’t play so well, if he continues the sloppy philandering and/or if Elin leaves his sorry ass, well, the endorsements won’t be so lucrative. Pepsi and Cadillac won’t be very forgiving if he comes back with a losing streak, sexting his hotties while Elin starts a new life as Sweden’s richest divorcee.
But that’s okay. I would hope that a billionaire would have put something away. And there will be new offers (Tiger Woods for Viagra!) for the new, slightly more real, wounded Tiger, who will be a lot more interesting (to me anyway) than the old, artificial, made-for-endorsements ideal who was never real in the first place.