Pie-Sexuality in Bonoboville!
Length 1:29:40 Date: July 19, 2014
Usually, where sex is concerned, the cleaner the better. But sometimes, messy fun is the most fun. This show is a good example of that, exploring the fine art of food play, pies in the face, the “splosh” fetish, getting down and dirty, sucking whipped cream from the tips of big bananas and licking wet salt from the nips of beautifully bare and bodacious boobs.
The new prince of pie-sexuality is “The Piemaster,” calling in to DrSuzy.Tv live from Michigan to talk sploshing and treat us to a sampling of his “Sexy Slapstick Videos” of cute, mostly naked girls getting “responsibly” pied, doused in chocolate, slimed in lime cake batter and wading through syrupy muck. Even if you’re not a splosh fetishist (as most of us must confess we are not), these odd odes to erotic mess are amusing in that goofy, slapsticky, porn-klowny way. Watching ladies get creamed is strangely akin to seeing an over-the-top bukkake scene where the girl gets glazed by load after load of frosty white semen until she resembles a melted Zero bar.
What’s it all about? Different things for different splosh fetishists, but if you listen (click the link above) or watch until the end of the show, you can hear me guess the Piemaster’s personal secret: He’s a virgin. It’s no big deal, of course, but the audience gasps as the otherwise fast-talking 3.14-master stutters into a riveting admission that yes, he has not (yet?) had sexual intercourse with a woman. He prefers to see them get pied. You could say there’s a little anger issue baked into this cake. But hey, it’s better (much better!) than Elliot Rodger’s vile solution to his virgin question.
In fact, you could say that Mr. Piemaster is providing a service to both his members (including his own) and his models. Though getting a surprise pie in the face is supremely embarrassing (which is a big part of the thrill for the sadistic pie fetishist), it can also be empowering, especially when you know it’s coming and you’re getting paid to take it like a pro, as the Piemaster’s gals demonstrate, joyously and “responsibly” wallowing in plastic pools filled with gooey gobs of goop, like grown-up kids playing in brownie mix. Though, upon seeing all the ladies getting pie in their pies, I have to say it’s not healthy to get sugar in your vagina, especially if you’re prone to yeast infections (this is a “public cervix announcement,” with a tit tweak to Annie Sprinkle).
After seeing all those gals get pied, we need to see a guy, so we find a clip of Microsoft mogul Bill Gates getting a pie in the face—three times in a row!—while attempting to enter a building in Brussels in 1998. Of course, this is a deplorable, nonconsensual assault, but it didn’t hurt ol’ Bill, and it’s one of those gloriously satisfying moments of comeuppance to see that even a billionaire isn’t immune to getting creamed by the money shot.
Then, just as we’re feeling like we need to hose off, in come a couple of cute, bubbly and jiggly gals, the petite, voluptuous (34DD natural) and mellifluous (lovely singing voice) Yara Yum and her gal pal, statuesque sexpot Catalina, whom we met at the Last Show at the Old Speakeasy. Since both were raised Catholic, and Catalina once had a wicked crush on a handsome priest, these gals are game for a good, messy, salty, titty–licking Bonoboville Communion. Our new executive assistant general manager, Maya, joins in, and all give their Mexicana Seal of Approval to our Bonoboville Communion drink of choice, dangerously delectable Dirty Tequila.
We also get messy with whipped cream and bananas, taking several calls from horny guys looking for fun (clean or dirty) including Brandon from Brooklyn who’s so afraid to “get messy,” he has a tough time ejaculating, David from Great Neck who has a tough time not ejaculating when told to imagine his 9 ½ inch Greak Neck thrusting between Yara’s lovely 34DDs, and heavy-breathing Brad from LA who ejaculates a personal Mount Vesuvius dedicated to “Mayyyaaaaaa!!!”… his new DrSuzy.Tv crush.
All this good clean, messy fun is a nice contrast to the seriousness of last Saturday’s show, an indictment of the #1 movie in America right now, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, for its defamation of bonobos, and a coup for the newly formed Bonobo Anti-Defamation League as well as my scheme for a genuinely different kind of sequel, Planet of the Bonobos. You saw it here first, then in Counterpunch, then the LA Times linked to it. Everybody’s talking about it, going bonobos and a little bananas. Hopefully all this hooting and hollering is getting folks to give up enough money shots to help save our kissing cousins from extinction. Lola ya Bonobo and the Bonobo Conservation Initiative are a good place to start.
Interestingly, bonobos love to combine food and sex, two of the richest representations of love, and when your feast becomes an orgy, you’re bound to make a mess. So splosh on… and join Bonoboville! It’s sex-positive, bonobo-supportive and everything you could want in one cool community. It’s currently in beta and a bit messy, so come on in and muck around with us until we get it right.