Length 1:52:26 Date: May 10, 2014
Riding the merry Masturbation Month of May like a vibrating saddle on a bucking bronco, Chase Ryder charges into Bonoboville, over an hour late, but smoking hot and ready to ride all sorts of things from a powerful, pulsating CalExotics wand to our in-studio stripper pole to Isiah Maxwell’s amazing 11-incher until it leaps out of her like a great stallion and sprays hot creamy horsepower all over her beautiful body.
Wow, what a climax!!!
And to think these two almost don’t even make it to the show! Just as we go live, we start to wonder where they are, their appearance having been confirmed, posted, tweeted and retweeted. We can’t believe they’d flake, even though some of our followers pessimistically tweet that possibility within half an hour. It’s true that many adult performers can’t get to their appointments for one reason or another. But not these two. Though its Chase’s virgin show on DrSuzy.Tv, Isiah Maxwell’s alter ego is Isiah King James IV, PR dynamo for Ideal Image Models and the most reliable guy in Porn Valley. But Isiah’s unreachable! As the minutes tick by, we start to imagine the worst: car accidents, sudden illness, house fires, loony ex-lovers on the rampage, zombie invasions…
Then we get word from Chase that she is outside Isiah’s place trying to awaken the sleeping giant! When she realizes she can’t reach him, let alone wake him, quick-thinking Ryder jumps back on her horse (I mean, in her car), galloping down the 405 to Bonoboville in record time. Moments later, Isiah (who miraculously wakes up just after she gives up) chases Lady Chase down the freeway, arriving just a few minutes after her.
But whoa Nellie, do they make up for lost time! First off, Chase strides in looking flushed and gorgeous, a raven-haired lovely like her namesake, Winona Ryder. Later we learn that in Chase’s Phoenix, Arizona high school production of The Crucible, the Arthur Miller masterpiece based on the 1692 Salem Witch Trials (which Miller likened to the McCarthy hearings of the 1950s, and is also, in my opinion, strangely akin to the insane McMartin-Buckey “satanic” child abuse trials of the 1980s), Chase played the part of Abigail Williams, Winona’s role In the 1996 film. Around the same time, she wrote a high school paper based on The Bonobo Way!
But frankly, right now, with less than a half-hour left to the live broadcast, we can’t be bothered with details. We just want to get her clothes off!
Chase is eager to oblige, first peeling off her neon pink bra to reveal her exquisite, all-natural boobs for Bonoboville Communion with dangerously delicious Dirty Tequila, our new favorite drink. Having been an altar boy in the Catholic church of his Cleveland childhood, Isiah knows something about taking communion, though his priest didn’t offer it the way we do here in Bonoboville (at least I hope he didn’t). When Chase chooses to lick her salt off of sweet Isiah’s monster cock, the party really goes bonobos.
And lest we forget we are celebrating Masturbation Month here, before Ms. Ryder starts riding Isiah, she puts that fine “Body and Soul” CalExotics vibe into kitty-petting overdrive, twerking and rubbing in and out of her Supergirl panties, her new “911” skull-and-crossbones panties (you go, Panty Boy!) and then down to her luscious, shaved-bare, pierced vulva, as my JuxLeather finger-flogger lightly whacks her pretty buns. Isiah doesn’t do a lot of masturbating, though he does testify to the importance of jerkin’ the gherkin (or in his case, the giant cucumber), and his prolific post-show pop shot happens (after pulling off his Condomania Xtra-large Trojan magnum) with a little help from his hand.
But an hour and a half before climax, with our feature guests MIA, we have to do what we do best here in Bonoboville: improvise! Capt’n Max tells his favorite “first masturbation” story of shooting his earliest loads into pieces of notebook paper, crumpling up the sticky sheets and cleverly tossing them out the window into the snow. He did this with joyful regularity until his family’s housekeeper, tired of cleaning up the mess outside his window, confronted and educated him about the wonders of toilet paper and flushing your goo down the loo.
Trixie looks sexy in her pleather skirt, Brad tweets in appreciation (probably while masturbating), as she enlightens us to the new meaning of “DOJO.” Sounds like a samurai schoolroom to me, but it means “Day Off to J-Off” (“J” could be Jack or Jill) in modern masturbatory parlance. We also get psyched for the Resurrection of the Lifestyles Convention as the Lifestyles Festival July 23rd-27th in Indian Wells! We will broadcast LiVE from the festival and give a seminar in The Bonobo Way (soon to be a book!), so don’t miss it: register here.
Craving live entertainment, we ask Shauntae, an innocent applicant for our Live-In Webcam Therapist/Production Assistant position, to audition for the “role” on the show. Though demure at first, sexy Shauntae soon strips off her hoodie and pants, twirling around the stripper pole and twerking her perfectly round Apple Bottom bootie for the pleasure of all who watch.
We acknowledge that May also happens to be the month of Mother’s Day. In fact, the live show is right on Mother’s Day Eve.Why are these apparently contrary celebrations even in the same month? They seem so diametrically opposed. And it’s most likely just a coincidence. But think about it. Solo sex is almost always the very first erotic activity of our lives. Even in utero, we touch ourselves for relaxation and pleasure. As babies, we play with any part of our bodies we can reach, but our genitals are especially exciting, because of the intensity of sensation. For better and for worse, our mothers often catch us at it.
Thanks to my own late, great, Dr. Spock-influenced mom, I didn’t grow up too inhibited about masturbation. Like most kids, I started playing with myself at around the time I started playing. My earliest memories are petal-pushing (not to orgasm, just for pleasure, comfort and relaxation) at around age two or three. Mind you my mother didn’t exactly approve of my masturbating, but she did, at least, put up with it. That is, she didn’t punish me; she just warned me to cool it in public, like when she caught me holding the sprinkler under my crotch on the front lawn, or sliding my hand under my skirt during a dinner party.
Hey, at least, Mom’s pragmatic attitude didn’t denigrate my sexuality. “Stop that, Suzy,” I remember her saying when she caught me pushing my love button in the sand box, “Your hands are dirty, and it’s clean down there.” She was right about my hands being dirty—probably with wet sand or something I’d pulled out of my nose. And I will always appreciate her designation of my netherparts as “clean.” She was no Dr. Betty Dodson, the “Godmother of Masturbation,” but at least my Mom had an oddly sex-positive way of attempting to regulate my self-love style. So I just want to say: Thank you, Mom!
Its stories like these that make the fact that May is shared by both Mother’s Day and Masturbation Month feel less and less incongruous. And when a mainstream companies are hyping Hitachi Magic Wands for Mother’s Day as “something for Mom,” you know solo sex is finally gaining some acceptance as being wholesome as, well, “Mom and apple pie” (had to get that American Pie reference in there).If Mom can do it, anyone can do it.
Speaking of motherhood, May is also National Teen Pregnancy Prevention Month. And what better safe sex method is there for pregnancy prevention than masturbation?
So…make love to someone you love tonight, even if that someone is you. And don’t forget to wash your hands before you do! Remember what my mama said…
Then you can lick your fingers.