Length 1:33:52     Date: Mar. 8, 2014

I enjoy reading all kinds of erotica, from the Bible’s lyrical Song of Songs to Rachel Kramer Bussel’s kinky Cleis Press anthologies and, of course, Anne Rice’s Beauty books. But I could not get through the “erotic” best-seller of all time, 50 Shades of Grey—not even Book 1 of the trilogy. The characters are just so unbelievable, the dialogue so vacuous, the sex so clichéd, the BDSM so contrived and the descriptions so mind-numbingly repetitive, I simply couldn’t stomach more than 50 pages of 50 Shades. Just as the irritatingly naïve lead character, Anastasia Steele, barfs all over her first date with the equally annoying billionaire-dreamboat, Christian Grey, I felt like barfing all over lines like “her curiosity oozes through the phone,” “Holy Crap” (repeated about 50 times, with slight variations like “Double Crap” and “Triple Crap”), “stroking his impressive length,” and “I don’t make love. I fuck.” I mean, how cheesy can you get?

Cheesy enough to sell over 100 million books is how. That’s a lot of cheese.

I may not be able to swallow E.L. James’ stinky Stilton. But as a sex therapist, I can’t ignore the influence of a sex book this big that has women all over the world cumming in 52 languages in a kind of international “mommy porn” revolution. So when I was invited to see 50 Shades! The Musical, now playing on tour at the Kirk Douglas Theater in Culver City/Los Angeles, I felt I should give reading the book another go. But even with professional motivation, I couldn’t get halfway through this tome that seems to have been penned by a 13-year-old girl who got into her older brother’s porn cache. How, I wondered, would I survive a stage version of all that holy crap?

Fortunately, 50 Shades! The Musical is not just a stage version of the book. On the contrary, it is a brilliant and deliciously nasty parody that lampoons all of that holy, double and triple crap, simpleminded sex and bad writing. Using the artistic alchemy, 50 Shades! The Musical turns literary lead into entertainment gold. Sparkling with knowing wit and catchy tunes, it takes the unintentional humor of the book, i.e., Christian Grey’s insipid declaration, “I don’t make love. I fuck,” and makes it a sidesplitting showstopper that is sex-positive and 50 million times funnier than the original.

It also gives James’ lucky but listless fairytale some much-needed texture and depth, providing a Greek chorus of desperate housewives who become horny housewives when, as members of a book club, they experience profound sexual awakenings through sharing these 50 Shades books. Even us erotica snobs have to acknowledge the power of a book that can turn on so many millions of women around the world, especially when that power is expressed in a hand-clapping Aretha-worthy grand finale that had practically everyone in the theater up on their feet dancing with the spirit of sex. Now that’s what I call a nice climax. Indeed, seeing 50 Shades! The Musical felt like my reward for having tried to slog through the mental torture of 50 Shades, the book.

So I’m delighted to have a few of the star players join me on this live broadcast (listen free above) right after their Saturday night show which happened to include Kirk Douglas himself, now 93, right in the front row, laughing all the way. I’m guessing he’s wise enough not to even try to read the book.

First up, by phone is one of 50 Shades: The Musical’s writer/producers, Emily Dorezas, who says she was inspired more by the book’s blockbuster success than its prose. Then Nick Semar and Carolina Reade join us in-studio. Nick plays the character of José, Ana’s friend who practically date-rapes her outside a bar, until Christian Grey saves the day, and the barfing begins. Though he acknowledges that the book was “written by a British woman who apparently never met a Mexican,” Nick’s performance as the luckless Latin lothario is hilarious and spot-on. Nick says his girlfriend (who is “probably sleeping”) is actually a fan of the books, though he prefers regular porn.

Mid-show, a long-time listener/first-time caller named Jay who just saw the musical and loved it, wonders whether Nick thinks Ana would have gone for José if he was into BDSM like Christian. Yeah, that and the billion dollars probably would have sealed the deal. Since Jay hasn’t even tried reading the book, I offer him a free “Sir’s Grey Tie” if he’ll call back with a book report. He accepts, but we’ll see if he can handle the homework assignment…

Our other in-studio guest, Carolina, is the graceful dancer who portrays Ana’s “inner goddess” in 50 Shades: The Musical. She’s also a fan of the books, having read all three! I guess correctly that this was her first foray into reading erotica. I doubt many 50 Shades of Grey fans are regular erotica readers. Caroline found the books “sexy” despite her proclaimed lack of interest in BDSM, though she does admit that the practice has much in common with her ballet training, like enduring pain to please your master.

Sometimes, I wonder if some women get off on badly written erotica kind of like some men get off on badly produced porn. Perhaps the badness of the writing and/or acting lets the reader or viewer feel superior to it while getting off. That and the whole “Twilight Fan Fiction” angle might help to explain the astounding success of 50 Shades, the book. Who knows? In any case, if the only good that comes out of 50 Shades, the book is 50 Shades: The Musical, it would be 50 times more worthwhile than most of the holy crap out there.