After a rousing opening Call to Arms (“arms” being whips and paddles, not guns and ammo), I begin my b-day bacchanal with something sweet: Bethany Sweet, beautiful buxom pin-up model, porn star (and one of the featured flaxen-haired sirens of BlockFilms upcoming release “Blonde Island“), who gives the gift of her sugarlips and talented tongue to my happy b-day bootie. From Blonde Island to Blonde Nation, a bevy of beautiful bodacious blondes pile into my bed, including the voluptuous and imaginative Mistress Genevieve (who graciously lights her tits on fire for me to blow out), divine platinum blonde tattooed transsexual Evil Pony Girl, and corsetted big-haired blonde bombshell Brittany Andrews. Oh, and we mustn’t forget Sissy Maid whose goldilocks betray her penchant for golden showers, of which Genevieve, Bethany and I provide about a gallon amongst us (Sissy Maid even brought her own funnel, to keep things neat!). Brittany also brings along a couple of boy toys, including Porno Dan who shows that he’s The Man by accepting my challenge, stripping down to his b-day suit in front of a herd of paparazzi, a couple hundred voyeurs and a bedful of wild Bacchae drunk on Chinese Aphrodisiacs, Agavero Tequila Liqueur, various kinds of champagne and Nude Beer. Then Bethany gamely sucks up Dan’s manhood and is rewarded with a voluble spray of creamin semen on her bounteous boobage. What to do with the mess? Sissy Maid to the rescue! Ever the clean freak, she licks up every sperm off Bethany’s sweet breasts..

In the midst of the madness comes more madness in the form of FreekBALL and the Porn Klown Posse, honking their horns and offering their buns up for spankings (Itcher Birtday!). Then a caller named Jackie calls in to talk about her vibrator addiction, inspiring Brittany to don Dr. Suzy’s strap-on for which the naughty and exquisite Evil Pony Girl offers up her whinnying hiney. Then comes The Over-the-Top Moment of the Show (there’s always at least one): Brittany sensuously inserts the Condomania condom-covered strap-on into EPG’s eager anus, rides her for a minute or two, and then, well, let’s just say the dildo goes in vanilla and comes out chocolate. Yikes! Even Sissy won’t lick it up. We see a lot of body fluids here at the Speakeasy, but this puts even me into a mild state of shock. So, the shock troops move into action. Kim produces a towel, and Mistress Genevieve and Brittany clean up that mess like trained nurses, as EPG’s eyes roll and her body writhes in coltish crazed ecstasy, as women shriek and men faint and the band plays on.

Speaking of bands, that’s next. A surprise band strikes up in the art gallery, and my fellow Yale alum Michael Blum (Yale School of Management, ’95 MBA) morphs into Michael Morris, Rock God, and belts out “Break on Through” and “Suzy Q” as he tosses me over his shoulder and around his back like a Beanie Baby without missing a beat. Even the other Elis (a contingent from Sex Week at Yale joins the festivities with Playboy’s Juli Ashton) are impressed. Then it’s time for my b-day spanking (finally!), and Mistress Cyan gives it to me with an expertly applied leather flogger and perfectly manicured nails. “It’s better than a trip to the spa!” I do declare, endorphins rising. More dance floor antics ensue with dirty dancing Daniel and me, Ms. Crystal and Ms. Alexandria singing “Beautiful Girls” as topless Kim dances with EPG, Nymph Lisa Ann Davis dances with Mr. Star Wars, Mistress Genevieve’s gamine Girl Toy Lindsey gives me a lap dance, Master Dave ties up JJ (who gets the award for giving me the cutest b-day present: a teddy bear in floppy hat and feather boa singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”), all with yards of blue chocolate strawberry cake and several dozen perfect red roses. DJ Simeon picks up the beat, as Butterfly Jones sucks cock-shaped mints, Big D cavorts with another blonde babe who calls herself Super Yummy Goddess, and Mistress Genevieve and Lindsey lick, suck and hump each other like two wild Bacchae marooned on the Isle of Lipstick Lesbos.

Suddenly, Peter, a distinguished tuxedoed Brit, steps up to an imaginary podium and delivers an eloquent expression of thanks for the Bonobo Gang’s uniquely gracious hospitality. Then he confesses that he really longs to be spanked (like most Brits), whereupon I order him to drop his tuxedo trousers and get down on all fours, which he does instantly, revealing the longest set of balls that the Bonobo Gang has ever seen. Not that we’re experts in testicular length, but these were some dangler-doozies. I get the Peter Spankathon going, soon joined by Mistress G and her vivacious colleague Mistress Anna Valentina of Shadow Lane who proceeds to spank and paddle Peter’s British bottom with remarkable artistry and passion. Basking in the continuous bacchanalian display, I lounge out on the bed with Snake Eve and a Chinese beauty also named Eve, her jovial German husband, and the one and only Alan Zorthian, son of the late great Colonel Jirayr H. Zorthian (Yale ’36), also known as Zorbacchus, whose magnificent masterpiece artworks hang all around us in the Gallery and the Womb Room, mirroring our bacchanalian birthday revelry in their classical erotic splendor. O Great Zorbacchus, Thank You For Your Art!

And O Great Bacchus, Thank You For This Night of Innocent Pleasures (and the fact that no one got hurt despite the out-of-control abandon of the evening). Thank You For Our Happy Horny Hallowed Birthday… We are all Children of Sex. Hallelujah. With all due respect to the Virgin Mother: Most mothers are not virgins. We are all born of sperm and egg coitus. Sex is what brings us into the world. And sex is what motivates us to stick around for a while. Praise the Lord and the Lady! Praise be to the Power and Glory of SEX! It keeps ya young.

Check out Lydia’s pics and make your reservations now for June 10th’s big B-Day ’06!