Most of you who know the show know Annie Body, my dear friend and the “Ravishing Redhaired Rainforest” of Dr. Suzy’s Squirt Salon who consistantly amazes me with her copious emissions of flower-fresh female ejaculate. Her spectacular “Happy Anniversary” shower is no exception. What a geyser! But I must say Annie Cruz is also quite amazing, truly another Geyser of Desire! As both Annies agree, their soaking wet meeting on my bed is not a “contest,” but an explosive, porn-spiritual mingling of Holy Waters. What a dazzling Double-Annie Fountain of Venus!. What an anniversary. What a show!

Speaking of things holy, little Annie Cruz is a sexual revelation, a 21-year-old, lapsed Catholic (who enjoys masturbating with my Jackhammer Jesus dildo, among other toys), college-educated Wonder Girl with a silky smooth, tan, all-natural body, flashing brown eyes and a sultry pout. Even before Annie Body enters the scene, Annie Cruz squirts up a tsunami in my big brass bed, soaking me, my other guests, my staff, paparazzi, documentary filmmaker Canaan Brumley and anyone in the Speakeasy who dares come within six feet of the center of the storm. Praise be to the power and glory of female ejaculation! Amen and (especially) Awomen. Thundershowers of Nectar. Yes, indeed.

Annie Cruz squirts from all kinds of stimuli (including a spanking of the clit similar to Annie Body’s technique). But mostly, she squirts with her husband, the charming and casually virile police-officer-turned-porn-star Jack Lawrence. Jack had already won my heart by switching from a profession that tends to be a domestic form of “making war” to one that is devoted to the art of “making love.” In my bed, he proves he is a master of his chosen profession and a fine spouse to boot. With his talented tongue, clever fingers and his large and happy cock, he makes his hot wife squirt and come and just plain smile. He even make her shriek with ferocious passion just by putting a cell phone recording up to her ear (something to do with erotic hypnosis).

Yes indeed, it is a great inspiration to have another married couple as featured guests on our 14th Wedding Anniversary Show, especially a pair of Sexual Olympians like Annie Cruz and Jack Lawrence. The two of them give me a very sweet anniversary gift by going down on me simultaneously. Never before have I been licked into ecstasy by two tongues of one married couple. What divine decadence! Praise the Lord and the Lady!

Two Squirting Annies and one Hot Jack would have been enough (dayenu), but I have more fabulous guests for this orgiastic anniversary show. Ms. Genevieve slithers into our wet bed, followed by Ms. Crystal (her buns and shoulders covered with some vicious-looking whip marks) and Ms. Alexandria. Ms. A. reports that they’d just been over at DomCom which was great and all, but for some REAL fun, they just had to quit the convention and hightail over to Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy. I couldn’t blame them. I mean, this is why I hardly ever go anywhere.

Juliano of Juliano’s Raw Foods (who played the Eunuch in last month’s Purim Play), accompanied by his pretty-as-a-Victoria’s-Secret-model Chef Ariel, exquisitely attired in skimpy red and black lingerie and a glittering mask, agrees: “There is no place like this anywhere.” The two of them have such fine, sleek physiques which they insist are the result of their diets; it makes you want to eat like Easter bunnies for the rest of your life.

Back in bed, Ms. Gen opens her b-day bag (finally!), including a bottle of Agavero Tequila Liqueur, several of her favorite Chinese Aphrodisiacs (which she provocatively calls Chinese Ass-Balls), sexy French lingerie, and a silver Vibrating (Easter?) Egg from Babeland. AVN Hall of Famer Lynn Lemay (last seen on The Dr. Susan Block Show as feisty Queen Vashti in our Purim Play), in an Easter-blue mini that she keeps hiking up over her gigantic breasts, enters the bed, always happy to lend a hand to a cock, or a tit to an ass. Also joining us is vivacious Lexi Bardot (introduced to me by Jessica Zucker, the Harvard grad who is doing her PhD dissertation on “Women in Porn” and their relationships with their mothers), a tall brunette from sunny Miami with pert natural breasts, luscious big brown nipples and a colorful shoulder tattoo. Annie Cruz goes down on her as Jack pokes his big policeman’s nightstick into his wife from behind. Suddenly, Lexi grabs Annie by the neck in a passionate chokehold that has her shrieking what looks like ecstasy, but please DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. Choking, or asphyxiation, is one of the most dangerous sex games you can play. It supposedly gives the recipient a rush, but it can also kill you in an instant, and I do NOT recommend it. But when the pros practice dangerous games like this in my broadcast bed, assuring me that they know what they’re doing, and looking like they’re having a blast, what can I do but cross my fingers that they won’t slip up, and marvel at their daredevil skill?

Things get a little less dangerous as we pull goodies out of my Easter basket of dildos and eggs filled with condoms and lube, and field some calls from the RadioSuzy1 and Cable TV audience, including Electric Eye Radio DJ Ed Glass. Then everybody’s favorite hairless stud, “J” (who you may recall as the royally hilarious King Ahaseurus in our Purim Play) enters the bed, making a beeline for Lexi’s pussy which he consumes with the gusto of a starving man who has just been served a dish of his favorite cuisine. Lexi returns the favor on J’s large, uncircumcized scepter, gives it a *foot job,* then jumps onto Jack’s beanstalk for a wild ride. It’s musical cocks for a while, climazing with Jack exploding his creamy Milk ‘n Honey all over his wife’s breasts, reminding us that, yes indeed, men squirt too! And it’s a beautiful thing. Praise the Jism.

Next thing we know, Annie Body’s in the bed, modeling her Outfit by Gene, then doing a sparkling Squirt Duet with Sister Annie C as Jack goes downtown on lucky me, sitting in the middle of all this good-natured, soaking wet, holiday debauchery, everybody grooving on the uplifting make-love-not-war display of our sexual spirituality. Yes indeed, Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners. Call it what you will – Ethical Hedonism, sinful madness, supreme sanity, kink, tantra, therapy, the Bonobo Way, pimpin’, partyin’ or porn. I call it a Faith-Based Program because we have Faith in the Power of Sex, and the Holy Waters of Lust. But unlike most forms of faith being expressed with such unfounded yet vociferous certainty these days, our faith isn’t blind, because we can see it, we can hear it, we can feel it, we can smell it and we can taste it (yum-yum). We have faith in the laying down of arms and the laying on of hands. We have faith in the G-spot and the P-spot and the beautiful bountiful bare breasts of love. We have faith in the wondrous vulva and the soaring cock, not chickenhawk pussies like Bush and dickless dickheads named Dick. We have faith in the power of Enlightenment, the glory of reason, the revelations of Darwin and Gandhi, Spinoza and Kinsey, Sappho and Emma Goldman. We have faith in “Revolutions We Can Dance To.”

And speaking of dancing, that’s just what the hot rhythms of DJ PhilDog get us doing, with dance princess Amber Mercedes (Queen Esther in our Purim Play) shaking her trim little bootie in one hot outift after another. Also in the Speakeasy crowd: LA Free Press Publisher Art Kunkin, freelance journalist Tod Hunter (whom we haven’t seen since our fourth HBO special), Bondage Master Dave who ties up Lynn LeMay’s bountiful boobs as an Easter gift, Debra (whom you may remember helped me lead our Passover Seder) getting down with William, Kim dancing topless, our American Julie getting crazy with Kari on the Love Rocker, Lydel Lydia going down on Cyn, our friendly neighborhood ship importer Kevin and his cute OC galpal Veronica, hot Brandon and Devin (having “the best night of my life!”), character actor Del Zamora (best known as Rodrigues in the cult classic “Repo Man”), Norman (best known as the Jive Brothe in “Airplane”), Skyclad from Harvard Law (what’s with all the Crimsons around me lately?), Joshua Moglee and Mi Ma blowing a long horn called a didgridoo, and too many other characters, stars-in-disguise and sexpots to mention.

As the last notes play and the last guests fall asleep on the couches and beds around the Speakeasy, I slip into bed with my beloved H, capping an incredible sexual evening with our private lovemaking, giving thanks to all the gods and goddesses for our good fortune, marveling at how our Big Love always seems about as big as it could be, but somehow grows even bigger with every anniversary.