Which Washington Wieners Are Going to Get Grilled?

We do know that one of the smoked sausages belongs to freshly incarcerated Republican Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham, former Vietnam War “Top Gun,” and House Defense Appropriations Subcommittee Hot Dog from San Diego who was sentenced in March to more than eight years in prison for taking $2.4 million in bribes from military contractors. Cunningham’s personal booty (detailed by Counterpunch’s Jeff St. Clair) included a yacht docked on the Potomac where he lived rent-free, cutely dubbed “The Duke Stir,” owned by his “owner,” San Diego defense contractor, Mitchell Wade. Wade’s largesse paid off well for him, as the Dukestir brought home the bacon in the form of tens of millions of dollars in defense and intelligence contracts for Wade’s fledgling company MZM Inc.

But this cozy arrangement that cost taxpayers millions wasn’t just between Wade and Cunningham. Now the FBI is looking into just which U.S. government officials enjoyed the Wade-paid Poker ‘n’ Prostitutes parties at the Watergate Hotel (yes, that Watergate Hotel).

Yummy yum yum. Illegal sex between powerful congressmen and classy call-girls pimped by defense contractors flanked by card sharking spies. Who can resist the smell of high muckety-muck wieners roasting between hot hooker buns?

And from where else could that meaty stench be coming? Hm….Sniff, sniff… Smells like there’s another hot link on or about the person of one Porter Goss who was hustled out of his new job as CIA chief faster than a guilty husband could stash his lipstick-collared shirt in the laundry bin. Goss, a Yale Man who whooped it up with William H.T. Bush (uncle of President George W. Bush) as a Psi Upsilon frat boy before he followed in proto-Yalie Nathan Hale’s hallowed footsteps and became a (rather hapless) spy, says he handed in his resignation so he’d have more time for “golf.”

With a departure so abrupt and a reason so lame, twitching noses have to wonder if that spicy scent is indeed emanating from Porter’s pants. It is certainly coming from the pants of his protégé Kyle “Dusty” Foggo who also suddenly resigned from his new post as the CIA’s third highest ranking official (promoted to this job by Goss). Ol’ Foggo of Foggy Bottom just happens to be longtime best buddies with Brent Wilkes, another defense contractor/pimp who is said to have helped pay for those poker ‘n’ poontang parties at the Watergate. Wilkes also seems to have heavily bribed the Dukestir, among other well-placed congressmen, to give juicy pork-packed contracts to his company, ADCS (Automated Document Conversion Systems).

Foggo admits to participating in the poker fests, but denies poking any prostitutes. At least, he didn’t know they were prostitutes. But who knows who’s a prostitute anyway? The contractor/pimps, Wade and Wilkes, probably didn’t introduce the ladies as “prostitutes” nor were they so crass as to open their wallets and pay the hookers right in front of Duke, Dusty and the other government officials. This is the cream of America’s crop we’re talking about here; they know how to be cool in hot situations. Well, to a point.

Who might those others be? With luck, we’ll soon find out. Let the smell of sizzling “defense” pork be our guide. As the Daily Kos suggests, follow the money. Some of the congressman who received money from Wilkes are: (on the Armed Services Committee) Duncan Hunter (CA), Chairman – $43,200, Jim Saxton (NJ) – $1,500, Ken Calvert (CA)- $8,000, (Appropriations) Jerry Lewis (CA), Chairman – $86,252, Bill Young (FL) – $6,500, Tom Delay (TX) – $70,000, Henry Bonilla (TX) – $19,500, Joe Knollenberg (MI) – $13,000, Robert Aderholt (AL) – $2,000, John Doolittle (CA) – $103,000, Don Sherwood (PA) – $1,000, Mark Kirk (IL) – $5,000, (Select Committee on Intelligence) Peter Hoekstra (MI) – $4,000, Heather Wilson (NM) – $3,000, Darrell Issa (CA) – $5,000, as well as Roy Blunt (MO) – $21,000, Larry Craig (ID) – $43,000, Benjamin Gilman (NY) – $42,146, Robert Livingston (LA) – $10,000, Devin Gerald Nunes (CA) – $13,000, Ronald Packard (CA) – $11,000, Charles Robb (VA-Senate and the only Democrat on this list) – $17,000, Billy Tauzin (LA) – $18,587 and Jerry Weller (IL) – $10,000.

Interestingly, in this list of over 20 power-wielding, wiener-sporting alpha males, there is only one woman, and Wilkes only gave her three grand. Something tells me she wasn’t at the Poker ‘n’ Poke ‘Em parties either, though I could be wrong about that.

To be fair, the genders of the prostitutes have not yet been revealed. Most of us assume they are female, but let’s be open-minded. After all, one of the most famous hookers in Washington is Jeff Gannon, aka Jim Guckert, former White House Correspondent and Closet Gay Market Call-Boy specializing in Military Fetish Play. Not only did Gannon/Guckert have greased backdoor access to White House press briefings, according to official records of his signed-in comings and goings (compiled conveniently by Gary Leupp), he appears to have spent many hours beyond the briefings hanging out (in his briefs?) in the White House, including about a dozen *overnights* in which he signed in on one day and signed out on the next.

Not that anyone’s pointing any fingers, greased or not — heavens, no! – but when one hears about those White House sleepovers, one can’t help but envision a certain family-values-spouting President (who has been cheerfully outed by his own “Desperate Housewife” Laura for “milking a horse…a male horse”) playing “Brokeback Mountain” Military Cowboy with manly NeoConMan Jeff Gannon/Jim Guckert. Not that Jeff/Jim is a true Neocon, and he probably didn’t con the White House (just the Press Corps). Remember, he’s a hooker.

Most hookers are apolitical. It’s the nature of being a good hooker. You work for whoever’s got the cash. In Hookergate, the hookers are working for their pimps, Wade and Wilkes, who pay them. But the pimps are getting much more money from the johns, except instead of cash on the table, its defense contracts worth millions. Since the whole defense industry seems to operate like this — plus or minus a few whores, jokers, campaign contributions and stock options – one could say billions.

Jeff Gannon aka Jim Guckert, former White House Correspondent and Gay Hooker

It’s common wisdom among prostitutes, especially in Washington, that Republicans are better customers than Democrats. Democrats tend not to want to pay for sex. For various reasons, some having to do with “democracy” and some having to do with being cheap, Dems like to do it with interns and volunteers.

Republicans prefer to get their sex from professionals. They also seem to have more of an awareness/superstition that Sex is Bad – after all, that’s what they’re continuously and hypocritically preaching to their trusting constituents. Thus Republican officials tend to value the discreet privacy that professional prostitutes provide. The Hookergate hookers didn’t blab about the Watergate Whorehouse like Monica blabbed to Linda Tripp. But thanks to the Dukestir’s other more extravagant bribes, the whole game is being exposed anyway.

Who cares who Duke and Dusty and maybe Porter were porking? I don’t. That is, I don’t believe having extra-marital sex or paying for sex necessarily makes them unfit representatives or even incompetent spies (look at 007). But I must confess that I do care in the sense that I’m interested. I mean, its fun to read about — or better yet see hot pics of — illicit sex in the higher echelons of government. It’s mildly arousing, serves up interesting tidbits about the official’s sexual fetishes and provides good water cooler gossip. Republicans relied on this *interest* factor when they nailed Clinton with Monica (even though the poor dears never even fully nailed each other). That’s the bottom line: Sex, especially illicit sex in high places, is interesting — oh, that delicious smell! Eau de Sex.

What about the fact that these are prostitutes we’re talking about here? I support prostitutes’ rights. I’m all for sex workers making an honest buck. I believe prostitution should be decriminalized, a position I’m sure the Duke Stir would have abhorred during his pious, high and mighty, tough-on-vice congressional days.

But keep in mind that Hookergate isn’t even about government officials paying for sex with prostitutes. That would be an honest transaction. But the officials weren’t paying! The defense contractors were paying. In turn, the defense contractors were getting paid, ever-so-much-much more, by We the American People. We are the johns in this affair, and we don’t even get our buns warmed. We the People have been jacked, big-time. And – smoking pork bellies, that stinks!

Of course, people are comparing Hookergate to Zippergate or Monicagate or Clinton’s Folly or Ken Starr’s Porn (one name never really stuck, just like the charges didn’t amount to much more than a dirty blue dress). True, Clinton was risking the public trust by playing naughty games with chatty interns whilst surrounded by Republican vultures ready to swoop down at the slightest smell of blood – or semen. But Clinton wasn’t spending the public’s money for his personal pleasure. Monica wasn’t representing any interest groups or contractors.

Hookergate is different. It’s the sex scandal burning at the center of a pork-stuffed $500 billion annual defense budget monster that keeps growing and killing with greater, more devastating incompetence and profligacy. The hooker sex is irrelevant to the real festering obscenity, which is how both our elected and appointed officials keep giving away American tax dollars to their cronies, most of whom seem to have something to do with defense (that’s where the fattiest pork is). Whether or not Halliburton services Dick Cheney’s dick is irrelevant. The important – and truly obscene – thing is that, thanks to Cheney’s firm guidance of Horse-Milking Clueless George, Halliburton is making big bucks on America’s disasters in Iraq, Afghanistan and New Orleans.

No, the sex angle on Hookergate isn’t the meat of the matter. But then, it’s not the steak that sells the steak, it’s the sizzle. If the FBI keeps grilling those dogs, it could just wake up the dormant journalistic instincts of the whores that report for the mainstream press. The smell of hot flaming illicit sex, properly fanned by Big Media, might even awaken the somnambulant anti-war movement and everybody else that loathes this lying, spying, faith-based, warmongering regime, which is a large majority of the country, as evidenced by Dubya’s and Congress’ plummeting polls. Then maybe we could make some changes that really benefit the johns – I mean, the American people.

Of course, hookers, including media hookers, always work for whoever’s got the cash, and corporate media bosses tend to be religiously Republican. So when it comes down to doing their jobs and actually reporting on the obscene Jacking of America, well, let’s just say I’m not holding my breath. Beside, I just love inhaling the smell of sex…