Brothers and Sisters, Lovers and Sinners, Horny Hannukkah Hotties and Triple XXXmas Elves, Hajji Honeys and Winter Solstice Fairies, Opera Singers and Porn Stars, Bonobos and Bulldogs, Husbands and Wives, all you Children of Sex, and we are all Children of Sex. We may or may not be Children of God, Jesus, Allah, Buddha, Brahma or Bacchus, but we are ALL Children of Sex… I want to invite you to join the Bonobo Gang, Friends and Lovers for a Holiday of Pleasure Show & After-Party this Saturday, December 16th (check out our fabulous featured guests here and make your reservations here or call 213.749.1330), to be held at the Womb Room Sanctuary of the Dr. Susan Block Speakeasy Cathedral of Our Lord & Lady of Faith-Based Sex in the soul of Downtown LA. Come, let us play…

Christmas Queening

’Tis the holiday season, so here’s wishing you one that’s merry and bright, with lots of good cheer, good works and good sex ~ hallelujah! This is not as unholy as you might think. In ancient pagan times, before anyone conjured up Christmas, Hannukkah, Hajj or Kwanzaa, people honored the Winter Solstice or Sun Birthday, when the sun, having been at its lowest point, is “born again,” as the days begin to get longer, celebrating with great festivals of fire to chase away the cold, light to chase away the darkness, and fun to chase away the winter blues. And SEX ~ lots of sex. To honor the icy season, our polytheistic forebears would feast and fornicate for days and nights of nonstop bacchanalian revelry that would make Jenna Jameson pee in her g-string.

Over 2000 years before Christianity, Mesopotamia’s Winter Carnaval featured mummers-style parades with floats carrying scenes of Sex Among the Gods. Hundreds of years before Christ was said to have been born, killed and resurrected, the Greek Winter Festival celebrated a different Son of God with a human virgin mother, who was also somewhat effeminate yet powerful, worked miracles, changed water into wine, liberated humankind and was resurrected after death. His name was Dionysus, Prince of Peace through Pleasure, Understanding through Ecstasy, Equal Rights for Women and Drunken Orgies for All. The Greek Winter Dionysia featured mummers carrying phalloi, and you know what those are: giant dildos!

The ancient Roman Saturnalia, also took place in late December, celebrated with gift-giving, evergreen trees, candles and the jubilant though temporary overturning of the status quo, presided over by Old Father Time chortling “Ho, ho, ho Saturnalia!” and bearing a striking resemblance to a certain character we know as Santa Claus. Saturnalia included the first Xmas Carols which were truly X-rated, as the carolers would sing in the nude. All this Winter Holiday Sex was more than just a personal pleasure or a cool way to keep warm. It was an ecstatic communal coming together, celebrating the erotic fecundity of life in the dead of winter, red hot hope in a season of cold despair…

Which brings us to this winter, which sometimes feels like a Super-Sized Season of Cold Blue Despair, and I’m not talking about the weather. Yes, we did manage to get some Democrats into Congress, and “yay us!” for that. But are they making a difference? We’re still deeply embroiled in Perma-War, having been scared, lied and cheerleaded into the Living Hell we have made of Ancient Mesopotamia by a Chickenhawk Pussy named Bush and a Dickless Dickhead named Dick. Meanwhile, nobody even tries to find Osama anymore, and the Earth, our Mother, suffers and sputters under the suffocating pollution of Her self-obsessed human children. Who knows if we are “One Nation Under God?” What we do know is that we are a planet under one big honking hole in the Ozone layer. And yet, this Winter of Despair gives us all the more reason to beat those holiday blues and beat the system of war by beating our drums, our buns, our clits and our jingle balls, conjuring up the red-hot power of pleasure, hope, love, science, creativity, the bonobo way, the power of warmth and sex over the forces of coldness and death.

The ancients believed that holiday sex encouraged crops to grow (hey, it’s less of a stretch than virgin motherhood). And a little holiday sex sure can heat things up, releasing frustrations and igniting personal revolutions. This is why religious and state authorities always try to confine sex to procreation: because recreation leads to revolution. Because sex is knowledge, sex is Eve’s first bite of that delicious apple, sex is the small precious truth behind the Big Lie, making sex, especially holiday sex, a deeply spiritual experience, even or maybe especially when it’s “naughty.” This is the tradition of Winter Solstice, to be a bit naughty, a bit subversive, a bit bacchanalian and saturnalian, to make the fool into a king (unless, as in our current case, the fool already is the king), to “break on through to the other side” and assert the wild, righteous power of Eros over Thanatos ~ Sex over Death. Saturnalian forces can be dangerous, so try not to hurt anybody now, including yourself. But do go on a holiday sex adventure. Infuse it with a sense of sacred, naughty solstice power, resistance to Perma-War and commitment to LOVE. Yes indeed. Praise God and the Goddess.

But alas, we are not all gods and goddesses, at least not all the time. We are human, and we have problems, especially with sex, we have questions, we have quandaries, and though I surely don’t have all the answers, I must say, despite my sublime modesty, I got better answers than most of the holiday dickheads out there preaching, including Pastor Ted Haggard condemning recreational sex, then caught with a methamphetamine-laced dick up his Holy Christian ass. It is painfully apparent that leaders like this can’t help you with the big questions of love, sex, life and death. I might be able to. So, if you want to talk to me about any aspect of your sexuality, and if you can’t join me live for this Saturday night’s Holiday of Pleasure, you can call me at 1.866.289.7068 (toll-free for North America) or 213.749.1330 (LA and International). If you’ve got nothing to say, but just want to listen, you can listen free on December 16th. Listening gives you the talk, but watching gives you the sex, so you may want to splurge and watch this show.

Whatever your pleasure…Happy Horny Hannukkah! Merry XXXmas! Bon Voyage on your Hajj! Happy Kinky Kwanzaa! Happy Winter Solstice! Happy Bodhi Day! Happy Pancha Ganapati! (those are the Buddhist and Hindu winter holidays) Happy Saturnalia! And Happy Eros Day (that’s coming soon and that’s THE sexiest holiday of the year)! Squirt in the New Year! Happy, happy, ho, ho, ho, pimps and ho’s. We Pimpin’ for Peace on Earth and Pleasure for All. And pleasure means sex, pleasure means food, pleasure means shelter and health care and education and music and clean air and freedom from oppression, freedom from bombs. Drop Bras, Not Bombs! That’s the goal. And the goal is the journey. And the journey is the show which must go on, this Saturday, December 16th, so if you want to be there, make your reservations now.