Having survived my recent date with death, I have much to be thankful for. One big blessing in my life is that once every few weeks or so, hot sexy people from all corners of the world and all walks of life, all different ages, races, body types, religions, politics, professions, social classes, education and comfort levels come to my Speakeasy and create a massive, wild, peaceable, juicy, hard, squirting, spanking, thrusting orgy. This is exactly what happens at my “Born Again Squirting Spanksgiving,” playing through the Thanksgiving holiday on RadioSuzy1TV for your free listening and viewing pleasure.

With Kayla Raynes (squirting), Mistress Crystal, Electra and Vivan Photo: Alex Filangieri

It’s my “comeback” show, a celebration of my “rebirth,” my return, like Lady Lazurus, to the world of life, love, sex and show biz from the land of the near-dead. Within a half hour of starting the show, I have a bunch of mostly naked people piled onto the bed like bonobos at feeding time, from friends like Annie Body, Mistress Genevieve, Mistress Crystal and Nancy from Vietnam to first timers like Tai Ellis, Kayla Raynes, Dan Lewis, Black Kat Productions’ DJ Foothill, Jamie Rae and April Andretti, Anita Wong, Tulsy Ball, Py Conant, Electra and Vivian, also from Vietnam. Annie, Kayla and Tai all shoot sparkling geysers of clear, garden-fresh-smelling female ejaculate as the audience oohs and aahhs, baptized in feminine Holy Water. It may sound outrageous to some, but I am deeply touched and honored by these ecstatic wet offerings at the celebration of my re-entry into the land of the living. Other people celebrate their special occasions with champagne squirting out of uncorked bottles; I celebrate with amrita squirting out of uncorked women. Py Conant, author of “Sex Secrets of an American Geisha” shares some of her knowledge of female ejaculation, which I thought had been passed down to her in some esoteric eastern tradition. It turns out Py learned to squirt from watching Dr. Suzy’s Squirt Salon: Secrets of Female Ejaculation! And she learned her lessons well…Later, a lucky guy named Jimmy squirts right into Anita Wong’s happy mouth. Yes, a guy. Men ejaculate too, lest we forget…Though female ejaculation seems to be flooding the world – and my bed – in a tsunami of excitement these days.

A Happy Born Again Squirting Spanksgiving ~ Like Bonobos at Feeding Time.
— Photo: Eban Lehrer

All kinds of wild sexual combinations ensue: twosomes, threesomes, foursomes and moresomes, stripteases, intense make-out sessions, erotic wrestling, tickling, expert fellatio, lusty cunnilingus and Annie Body riding the Monkey Rocker, in between calls coming in up and down the Left Coast (though it’s hard to hear the callers in all this merry bacchannalian mayhem). Then there’s more squirting and, of course, spanking (this is a Spanksgiving Show), all flowing like sweet bonobo love juice into the After-Party with DJ Thomas Lann, DJ Danielle and DJ Ali spinning our erotic audio ambiance.

I move through the grinning, gyrating audience until I find the quiet hero of the night, my favorite doctor from USC-LAC, the angel in a white lab coat who saved my life, Dr. John Klutke, having just roared in on his motorcycle like Che Guevara. Everyone keeps thanking him for saving my life, and he, with great gracious modesty, keeps denying that he saved my life, while taking in all the Felliniesque commedia erotica bounding and twirling around him.

My Doctor & Me
— Photo: William Mitchell

Also here: Juliano and Ariel of Juliano’s Raw Foods all gussied up in trashy pink and green lingerie, bringing me their delicious Raw Pizza. Speaking of delicious, Martha (whom you may recall from her XXXmas Saturnalia striptease last year) is like some kind of sexual dessert in her plaid schoolgirl’s skirt and easy-access corset barely covering her soft, sumptuous natural breasts. If you watch the stream of the show, you can see me eating her up like a fresh piece of pumpkin pie ~ yum. I am also the happy recipient of some luscious cunnilingus. First from Lydel Lydia (who came in from Arizona ~ love ya, Lydia!). Next is Tulsy Ball, a charming young man who grew up on a strict religious anti-sex Hare Krishna commune (Judeo-Christians and Muslims aren’t the only ones to sexually repress their congregations), and finds himself cheerfully and athletically releasing his inner slut at the Speakeasy. He also gets a nice blowjob from Nancy Girl who licks him up like an ice cream cone (there’s a lot of good eating in this show, getting into the holiday spirit). Tulsy also has fun tossing around model-pretty Vivian and sexy strongwoman (check out her rippling muscles!) Electra. After my lickings, I give Chris and Jennifer a differnt kind of “licking,” a Good Spanksgiving on the Spanking Bench, commanding them to kiss and have oral sex (which they obey, for the most part) as I whip and spank their rosy red bottoms. Then there’s the Canaan Brumley documentary contingent, and various discreetly incognito Hollywood stars, political operatives, international supermodels and superlawyers who shall remain nameless, though you may be able to spot them on the live feed, if you look carefully, through the masks, body paint, squirt and cigar smoke.

At the bar, I do the Boola-Boola (Bulldog version of the Bonobo Hoka-Hoka) with studly shirtless Yale Men Michael Blum ’95 and Nicholas Stephanopoulos ’06 (recent graduate of Yale Law School), cousin of former President Clinton aid and current NBC Chief Washington Correspondent George Stephanopoulos. We celebrate Yale‘s victory over Harvard (the first in five years! go Bulldogs!), as well as the recent elections (go Dems!), the saving of the Speakeasy (for now; my landlords are still being greedy double-dealers) and, of course, my miraculous “rebirth” that night. These two handsome Yale he-men intellectuals lift me up on their shirtless shoulders and toss me up into the air like a high-heeled football. I feel like I am leaping and flying through the stars under the Big Top of the Speakeasy, and I know I am joyously alive. Yes, I lead an unusual life. It’s a not-for-everybody life. But it’s a great life, filled with love, sex, theater, revolution and revelations. I certainly wouldn’t trade it for anybody else’s life. It’s my life. And I’m thankful for it.

Celebrating Yales victory over Harvard, the peoples victory over Bush and my victory over death with Michael Blum, Yale Business 95 and Nicholas Stephanopoulos Yale Law 06. — Photo: Alex Filangieri

As the night winds down into the wee hours, I fall into bed with my H, and we finish ourselves off with deep sweet orgasms, then drift blissfully into our earthly paradise (sorry, but this part isn’t on RadioSuzy1TV).

Anway, now I’m feeling the pain, recovering from all that pleasure. Pain-Pleasure, another one of life’s natural cycles. Btw, some people asked me for a transcript of my opening monologue for this show, so here it is:

Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, Artists & Exhibitionists, Voyeurs & Connoisseurs, Democrats! & Republicans, Libertarians & Vegetarians, Insurgents & Crusaders, Libertines & Masturbators, Doctors & Lawyers, Professors & Porn Stars, Singers & Swingers, Husbands & Wives, ALL you Children of Sex (& we are ALL Children of Sex).. We may or may not be Children of God, Jesus or Allah, or Buddha, or Brahma, BUT until we start cloning ourselves, we are all Children of Sex with a triple capital X… Can I hear an amen? Can I hear an awomen?

I want to welcome you to the Womb Room of Dr. Suzy’s Speakeasy in the Soul of Downtown LA. I am the Irreverend Dr. Susan Block, your servant, your lover-doctor, your Mother Confessor, your pleasure-preacher. But unlike many other preachers in this Great Congregation of States of America, I practice what I preach. Unlike Pastor Ted Haggard preaching strict Right Wing religious morality while secretly having sex with a male hooker, I’ll have sex with a male hooker right in front of you — or a female hooker – no problem. Any hot hookers in the Speakeasy tonight? But then the morality I preach is Ethical Hedonism, the Bonobo Way of Peace through Pleasure… Drop bras, not bombs! Can I hear an amen? Can I hear an awomen?

Tonight is a special night at the Speakeasy, my Comeback Night… Tonight, like Lady Lazarus, I come back to you from the Land of the Near-Dead… Tonight I come back to you, Resurrected by Eros — Angel of Life, Lust & Love, from the brink of Thanatos… Oblivion… Tonight I am Born Again…in Harvest Time, Thanksgiving, & I want to Give Thanks for the Miracle of Life, I want to Give Thanks for the Miracle of Rebirth, for the Miracle of Pleasure, for the Miracle of Peaceful Revolution, for my fellow American voters finally throwing some of the bums out ~ though these two dickheads are still hanging around (Bush & Cheney Dildos), and so is this one (Osama Dildo). Well, at least now they’re relatively limp dicks — lame ducks… and for that I say praise be to the power and glory of Eros over Thanatos, Hope over Fear!

Lady Lazarus rises with the help of Electra, Martha & Tulsy

Praise be to the power and glory of Science, Medical Science that saved me like an Angel of Eros in a white lab coat, as I lay on a bed that looked nothing like this bed, hooked up to machines, unable to walk or talk or even breathe on my own… But, just in the nick of time, my fellow humans reached out and touched me — doctors, nurses, lovers, family, friends — they touched me, they reached out and pulled me up from the brink of death, so I could be reborn among you tonight… I’m talking about the sexy, scientific, simple Miracle of Touch, the laying on of hands and the laying down of arms. We human beings die from lack of touch. And touch can give us life… So, Brothers & Sisters, I want you to reach out & touch someone ~ someone who wants to touch you, of course, no nonconsensual touching now! Or just reach down & touch yourself where it feels good. Praise be to the power of touch, which saved my life, and the power of sex, which IS my life (well, the most fun part of my life)…

Tonight We Give Thanks… and we also Give Spanks… it’s a Happy Born Again Squirting Spanksgiving at the Speakeasy. So pop your champagne, or lift your glass of Agavero, or Absinthe or your cup of Tantra Tea, and let us toast Your Sexual Health, Brothers & Sisters! Sante Bonheur! Salud! Salute! Gesundheit! L’Chaim! Let Us Give Thanks for Life & Love, Science & Sex, Democracy & Debauchery. Ah, where would we be without debauchery? We’d be utterly innocent and bored. And Love… We all need love, we mammals all need love. If you need a little more love in your life, sexy love — none of that unsexy love, oh no — if you need to talk to me about your sexuality, my number’s 1.866.289.7068. That’s if you’re in the US, Canada or Mexico, you can call us toll-free at 1.866.289.7068. If you’re outside North America or in LA, you call 213.749.1330. No matter where you are in the world — Paris, Cannes, Milan, Jerusalem, Singapore, Baghdad or Bangkok, you can call 213.749.1330.

Or don’t call. Don’t even worry your horny little head about calling… Just relax, get comfortable, turn your lights down low to a nice Spanksgiving glow, and grab your lover if you have a lover, or your paddle if you have a paddle… Yes indeed, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, let us give thanks and let us give spanks! Or grab your G-spot Stimulator if you have a G-spot stimulator…let us give squirts!. Feel the pleasure of your life, and give thanks for your capacity for pleasure — your ability to breathe, to dance, to kiss, to fuck, to love, to cry in ecstasy — Hallelujah. Say a little prayer of thanks to whatever Gods or Goddesses you worship, or, if you’re an atheist, just breathe in the breath of life and love and orgasms, breathe deep into your belly, in and out and in and out, and squeeze your PC muscle — do it with me now — whether you’re here at the Speakeasy or watching me on TV – squeeze and release and squeeze and release…now squeeze your sphincter muscle, that’s nice too… Breathe deep… Yes, indeed, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners: Wake Up & Smell the Sex! Celebrate the Peaceful Revolution! Love Thy Neighbor, especially if thy neighbor is hot! Squirt for Peace! Spank the Monkey. But don’t come yet & don’t go away. We’ll be right back with my first guests…

Now watch a Born Again Squirting Spanksgiving!