Interestingly, the day before Ariel Sharon’s massive stroke, it came out that Israeli police had formally accused him of receiving a bribe of three million dollars from a casino-owner. I read this in Uri Avnery’s “A Napoleon, Made in Israel,” another ironically hopeful piece for peace.

Being Jewish, I think I can ask this next question (like African-Americans can call each other “nigga”): What the hell are my meshugganah Jew-boy brothers doing giving and taking bribes, falling right into that lethal Gentile stereotype of us Yids being Evil Money-Changers? The Casinos giveth and the Casinos taketh away…

Well, one of them is dying, and the other is pleading guilty.

I’m glad that in his last months in power, Sharon the Bulldozer-Warmonger managed to peacefully uproot illegal Jewish settlements, giving up parts of so-called Eretz Yisrael to the Palestinian State. Tiny parts, but it’s a start.

As for Jack Jack-Off Abramoff, the Son of Abraham who jacked off the public, he’s not dying, not at all. And perhaps he will yet redeem himself. No, not through bogus prayers to the “Almighty,” but through a complete cleansing confession of his crimes to his peers right here on Earth.

For more on just whom Abramoff’s forthcoming juicy confessions will be exposing (think Ralph Reed, Tom DeLay, and the smarmy Rabbi Daniel Lapin whose sense of Family Values comes down to “I’ll Do or Say Anything If It Puts Money in The Pockets of The Lapin Family”), check out Joe Conason’s column “Let Us Prey.”

So Jack, it’s time to quit praying and preying, get down on your knees, and go down on the American Public. That’s right. Give us some tongue, Jack. Give us some good head. You owe it to us, don’t you think? Time for you to stop jacking us off. Time to jack yourself off for us. Jack off for us, Jack! Spill the Beans. Talk dirty to us.

Get down, Jack. And take this whole rotten, stealing, warmongering web of Family Values Fascists down with you.

Mmm… I think I’ll have someone go down on me tonight…