FAPPIT: Masturbation Not Occupation, Charlie Sheen’s Whore-Shaming, Sex Toys, Holy Water, Germ Warfare & Conflict Resolution, the Bonobo Way
Length 1:35:43 Date: November 21, 2015
There’s a war going on, the latest maneuver in the old Perma-War on Terror. From stark Biblical deserts to bustling world-class cities, bombs are falling, refugees fleeing, innocents being massacred, citizens panicking, politicians posturing and great clashes of force commanding the world stage. In the Womb Room, often serving as a Commedia Erotica microcosm of the universe, we have our own little “clash of force” on this particular show, and it’s kind of a doozy. Conflict erupts, tempers flare, words wound and patience runs as thin as a condom stretched over an elephant penis. But we find our way to “peace through pleasure” pretty damn quickly, with the help of some fine erotic entertainment, sensuous sex toys, friendly libations, wet naked fun and the Bonobo Way.
Unfortunately, our political leaders are more likely to read The Art of War (a great book, actually) than The Bonobo Way. Maybe that’s why the only ones to “win” these wars are the arms dealers. Bombs, guns and the occasional explosive soda-can-that-blew-up-airliner are the delectable fetish objects of the military mind.
Guns and bombs are humanity’s favorite way to destroy ourselves and our “values.” But never underestimate the devastating power of the humble germ, in this case, a vile flu, which strikes Capt’n Max and I with equal force (this is where the blessings of intimacy become a distinct liability), an almost utterly incapacitating bronchial invasion of foreign forces. Almost, but not quite, and the show must go on, as do we, dragging ourselves from the sick bed to the broadcast bed, though we are careful not to swap spit or even get close to anyone, which creates our first challenge: doing a show about closeness without getting close.
Fortunately, we have some fun guests: Jessica Fappit (who makes us want to “fap it”), a lovely, lapsed Catholic transwoman longing to transform porn is first on the bed. We meet Ms. Fappit through Bonoboville’s star art photographer and Jux Leather craftsman, Jux Lii, also on this show, plus my old friend sex toy doyenne and motorcycle mama Kim Airs, as well as our own Dayton Rains—webcam and phone therapist with the Institute—and DrSuzy.Tv show producer Biz Bonobo, a.k.a. Elizabeth Aston.
Bubble Love. Photos: Ono Bo
We start with one of the few local news items that’s managed to knock the frantic terrorism coverage off the front page for a few seconds last week: Charlie Sheen coming clean. I give the man props for being honest about his HIV status (finally, after four years of hiding and doling out hush money to extortionists), thereby lending his famous profile to this much misunderstood disease, and certainly helping others similarly diagnosed to feel less shame. But why did he have to throw his former sex worker pals under the bus on his way into Matt Lauer’s holier-than-whores Today Show Confessional?
I guess he, or his publicist, thought it would be a good move, and that’s sad. Not as big a deal as dropping bombs, of course, but still, sad. There’s an excellent Daily Beast article by Samantha Allen that deals with this subject much more lucidly than I possibly can in this rambling, flu-ish post-show blog. Though for us, it’s a bit personal. Here on DrSuzy.Tv, we’ve cheered Charlie Sheen in his madness, his genius, his Heidi Fleiss years, his meltdown, his 9/11 conspiracy theories, his Tiger Blood, his winning and his losing. But no more. Not until he apologizes for calling sex workers “unsavory and insipid types (with) saltless reputations,” or at least clarifies how he was wronged. And what the Mrs. Dash is a “saltless reputation” anyway? Need more MSG in that tiger blood cocktail?
Many in the sex industry—and a couple of people visiting the Womb Room—know Mr. Sheen and/or have procured erotic services for him, so everyone has something to say on this subject, and some of us excitedly babble on about it, until Capt’n Max thunders his grave, gruff and deeply congested displeasure with the whole Hollywood topic, especially in light of all the world crises. I understand his points, but I’m miffed at the way he roars them down upon my poor, Sudafed-head like an angered and stuffy Adonai in the Old Testament. So I have my own meltdown, which consists of leaving my guests on the bed and pouting in the audience for a minute as the Womb Room gasps, titters and whispers nervously over the uncertain fate of our Saturday night.
Check out the archive and you’ll see—live and unedited!—how we somehow overcome our own mini clash of antihistemined forces without firing a shot… well, maybe a squirt. Instead, a tense and sniffly truce is forged in a lusty round of Bonoboville Communion (sadly, I can’t physically partake but I get a contact high of bonobo love) with spiced Ron de Jeremy rum, Agwa, plenty of salt for those “saltless reputations,” plus lots of luscious bare boobs and one split beaver (Dayton’s).
Sword-Swallowing 101. Photos: Ono Bo
Cute as a bunny in her rabbit ears, hot pink bra and lacy panty set, Jessica Fappit is here to open the porn industry’s eyes to a “different” kind of transwoman, one who is *more* woman than the proverbial “chick with a dick” (to contrast, we check out Miley Cyrus in full breast-form-and-strap-on regalia). Demonstrating one of her many uber-feminine skills, Jessica astounds the Womb Room by swallowing a 14-inch dildo almost balls deep down her throat—twice! The second time, this Eve gives herself an “Adam’s apple” with the head. Hey Porn Valley: Jessica Fappit may not be your typical TS cockswoman, but she’s got talent. She’s also got fans. Book this gal!
Speaking of oral sex, Kim Airs opens up her big bag of sex toys, to produce a We-Vibe-like vibrator that wraps around your cheek to produce a buzzing blowjob to blow your partner’s mind. It looks a bit like an orthodontic device, but hey, there’s a fetish for that. Kim’s biggest sex toy sensation is a “Bubble Love” portable Jacuzzi jet which we demonstrate right in the Womb Room, bringing in a makeshift bathtub filled with baptismal holy water that Dayton dunks her naked self into, and fortunately it doesn’t tip over, despite all the rambunctious bubbling and squirting going on. Kim also donates a “My 1st G-Spot Massager” which, though certainly not our first, is pretty nifty because it lights up at the tip, to help the handler see the G-Spot as they’re stimulating it. Speaking of the G-Spot, on this show, a couple of our stuffed bonobos are stylin’ in G-Spot Brand caps and shirts. Think Inside the Box, baby.
Some of my homeboys. Photos: Unscene Abe
And with a few Bonobo Way book–spankings on well-rounded rumps, and gymnastic hijinks with old friends of Bonoboville behind the bar (shout outs to Nori, Nick Morningwood, Handsome Hollywood Jake and Chelsea in the Field), conflict becomes Commedia Erotica, Bonoboville’s special form of pro-sex Commedia Dell’arte. Even the salty Captain and I come together in our final words of the show, so you’ll want to stay tuned to the end for that, and then, well, kiss-and-make-up sex is the best, even when your orgasm is more like a coughing attack.
Remember this: Figuring that stoking people’s religious fires would be a good way to fight “the Commies,” U.S. President Ronald Reagan created the Taliban and gave aid to Osama bin Laden, spawning Al Qaeda to fight the Russians so America could “win” the Cold War. Then 9/11 happened, and George W. Bush and Dick Cheney created the monster we call ISIS by invading Iraq for no discernible reason except to satisfy Defense Industry cronies, decimating that once relatively liberal country and unleashing “terrorists” around the world like a split tomato releases its seeds.
No war is won without great loss. The only way not to lose a war is not to fight it. So what to do about ISIS? Peace through pleasure could be our answer. We live in a society that glorifies the power of violence. Yet the power to give pleasure is the greatest power we have. It’s what I call the Bonobo Way. It may involve the pleasure of sex or just a hug, a kind word, sharing a resource, giving a gift, making a donation, opening your hearts or your borders.
And sometimes the greatest pleasure you can give someone is to leave them alone.
It’s not our land. Not our business. Not our fight. Unless we want to make it our fight, as we’ve been doing. And then we will continue to pay the sad and bloody price in more Parises.
So if all this terror makes you want to shoot somebody, just hold your horses, watch this show, and shoot the gun between your legs! Fap it!
And… from our buns to yours…. a very Happy Spanksgiving from The Bonobo Way!
© November 21, 2015. Susan Block, Ph.D., a.k.a. “Dr. Suzy,” is a world renowned LA sex therapist, author of The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace through Pleasure and horny housewife, occasionally seen on HBO and other channels. For speaking engagements, call 310-568-0066.