Chocolate Jesus, Horny Hanukkah
Length: 106 Minutes Date: 12/08/2012
From an erotic Hanukkah menorah lighting ceremony to a breathtaking XXXmas season re-enactment of the miraculous virgin birth of Jesus (using the Baby Jesus buttplug), from a series of penetrating discussions with pundits and porn stars on “Sex, God & the Holidaze” to a hot game of “Strip Dreidel,” this show is a Saturnalian sexual revelation.
All the major monotheistic religions use mythology and fear to try to control our natural, blooming sexuality, channeling it into procreation instead of recreation. All that control leads to religious sexual abuse, oppression, ignorance, bigotry, hypocrisy and much human misery. On the other hand, it also stimulates erotic rebellion and exhilarating, blasphemous kink. In a sexually twisted society such as ours, you often need the friction of naughty in order to feel nice. So Happy Horny Hanukkah, Merry XXXmas and Ho, Ho, Ho’s for Saturnalia. Celebrate. Fornicate. Investigate.
Thomas Quinn: My old friend and Emmy-nominated producer, Tom, has written a profound, skeptical and very entertaining book, What Do You Do with a Chocolate Jesus: An Irreverent History of Christianity, which is, along with the season, the inspiration for this show. So…what do you do with a chocolate Jesus? Tom expounds upon the different denominational interpretations, but according to the Church of BonoboVille at the Speakeasy Cathedral, you suck on it! Our chocolate Jesi (cooked to candied perfection by Ana–like Jesus turned water into wine, we turn Hershey bars into Choco-Jesi!) are a perfect complement to our new golden Jackhammer Jesus from Divine Interventions (which I use with Holy Water Lube on a rising starlet named Yasmine de Leon in the after-party). A “Doubting Thomas” where the Bible is concerned, as most of us are here in BonoboVille, Tom is also a scholar and regales us with stories and insights into the origins of the Roman Saturnalia and the Judeo-Christian spin-offs of Xmas and Hanukkah, along with such sex-unfriendly concepts and rituals as immaculate conception and circumcision. Not just a talking head, Tom shows off his licking tongue during BonoboVille’s version of Communion: Agwa shots off hot porn star nipples. Upon licking the salt off the sacred boob, it turns into the flesh of Jesus and “Doubting Thomas” ascends to heaven! Halleluljah! Praise the Lord and the ladies.
Tasha Reign: AVN award-winning porn star, Penthouse Pet of the Year (2011) and UCLA Women’s Studies major, Tasha became world-famous when a photo of her and two other porn stars with former President Bill Clinton at a Monaco fundraiser went viral. She doesn’t want to talk about Bill though or touch my Bill Clinton dildo (she’d rather play with my big black Devil dong ), though she does admit to being a fan of the former Prez. Aren’t we all? Despite being a stripper and “rough sex” loving porn star (proud of having just done her first anal scene with Peter North in “Girly Girls Like it Rough”), Tasha is demure as a novice throughout the show. She does put on a pair of 911 panties for Panty Boy, engages the big black Devil dong into an Apocalyptic battle with the Jesus Jackhammer, hugs my candycane-penetrated blow-up sheep (playing the role of Jesus the Lamb of God in this mystery) and dials the speed for Jessie’s wild Sybian ride—her first time on the controls, she admits with shining eyes, and probably not her last.
Jessie Rogers: Last seen on DrSuzy.tv in “SQUIRTACUS MAXIMUS XXXIII: Squirt Salon 33,” Jessie comes from a whole family of “pastors and stuff like that” who tried to “push” fundamentalist Christianity on her. Funny how religion is often “pushed” like the dangerous drug that it is. Also funny how all that “pushing” so often leads to shoving good people like Jessie away. Now she’s “spiritual,” not religious, searching for answers to the “big questions” through science, yet believing in a “higher power.” She certainly channels that power when she squirts, baptizing us in her Holy Water. In her first game ever of “Strip Dreidel,” Jessie gets the Hebrew letter “hey” which means half, so she takes off half her clothes. The rest soon follow, whereupon she embarks upon a Sybian ride that feels like a “sexorcism,” according to our spiritual Sister Jessie. She also provides the show’s deepest revelation, plunging the Divine Interventions Baby Jesus Butt Plug into her lovely anus (as the preacher cried, “Jesus is in her now!”) and removing it slowly, making us realize that this could be the explanation for the virgin birth! After all, if all you do is oral and anal, you’ll still be a virgin; at least, that’s what the Catholic school girls told me.
Phoenix Askani Raised Catholic, this slinky and statuesque brunette is now an “angel,” though not quite the kind that Saint Paul had in mind. Alternating between Evil Angel and Burning Angel, Phoenix *believes* that Joanna Angel, a nice Jewish porn mogul who was born on Christmas, is Jesus Christ, her savior. She once had sex with a guy who looked like Jesus and was lousy in bed, which might have contributed to her becoming an atheistic angel. She and Jessie get the show’s juices flowing with a kiss under the mistletoe that looks downright angelic, no matter what your religion.
Corpsy: Our dearly departed friend Robert “Corpsy” Rhines has come back from the dead for the holidaze, giving away copies of his Girls and Corpses 2013 Calendar like a jolly Santa Corpse. Raised Jewish, Corpsy sings the Hebrew prayers with me as the ladies light the candles. Then he unveils what looks like it’s going to be the Ark of the Covenant, but turns out to be a human head in a jar—just a little something he scavenged from the Japanese tsunami of 2011. Though we love head here in BonoboVille, a dead head is a different story. Well, at least it’s in a jar and not on a stick. The thought of which doesn’t kill our appetites as we suck down Ana’s Chocolate Jesii on sticks with no qualms, in no time.
Dr. Gary Schubach: Our old friend Doctor G comes up from the audience to say happy holidaze towards the end of the show. For more, check out Amrita: Dr. Suzy and Doctor G Demonstrate the Art & Passion of the G-Spot and Female Ejaculation.
Black Jesus: Though he doesn’t say much, he appears as a vision in flowing robes and a gold tin foil halo, distributing the Chocolate Jesii to all the guests. And yes, “Black Jesus” is his real name, or at least the name he goes by as chauffeur to the porn stars and shepherd of wayward spirits.
WEAPONS OF MASS DISCUSSION: Hanukkah, Xmas, Saturnalia, Maccabees, Heeb, The Spirit of Sex, How the Catholic Church Hijacked Jesus for Its Own Power, Chocolate Jesus, Growing Up with a Family of Preachers, Vaginal Symbolism (Torahs & Chimneys), Good & Evil, Phallic Symbolism (Christmas Trees & Crosses), Religious Sexual Abuse, Virgin Mothers, Immaculate Conception, Communion, Circumcision, Gas Chambers, Nazis, Being a UCLA Senior While Working as a Porn Star, Measure B, Strip Clubs as Temples of Goddess Worship, Elexis Monroe Needs Our Help, Bonobo Souls, Liberating Your Inner Bonobo
PERFORMANCE EROTICA: Lighting the Hanukkah Menorahs & Cock Candles for the First Night of Hanukkah, Snake Play with Eve in the Garden of Eden, Chocolate Jesus, Divine Interventions Jackhammer Jesus, Hanukkah Gelt, SeXmas Elves, Sucking on Chocolate Jesus, KIssing Under the Mistletoe, Playing Strip Dreidel, Riding The Sybian, Using the Jackhammer Jesus, Sticking the Baby Jesus Butt Plug All The Way In, Snowing in The Womb Room, Playing with the Bill Clinton Dildo, Blow-Up Lamb of God with a Candycane Buttplug, Hot Sex with My CalExotics Strap-On, the Jesus Jackhammer (with Condomania Condoms) & Munkey-Barz in the After-Party, Absinthe Time, Naked Trapeze, Jingle Balls, Hula-Hooping, Rickshaw Rides