What a whacky, kinky, kooky 2004 birthday party/show, filled with sex stars, porn klownz and lots and lots of spanking, climaxing with a B-Day Gangbang Spanking wherein I get myself whacked, whipped and paddled by seven wild, libidinous, extremely colorful members of the Porn Klown Posse, plus several other professional doms, porn stars, erotic artists and friends.

Other celebrity guests include: Keiko and Rob Longshot, the naughty but adorable young couple-next-door who just happen to be porn stars, and nattily attired British erotica author and Hustler Hollywood Host Stan Kent who presents me with his latest novel “Naughty Message” (about phone sex), a blue-leopard, maribou-lined phone, and his back–for me to lean on as his darling, micro-miniskirted girlfriend Cyn gives me yet another b-day spankarama. The Artist Mario Saucedo, (otherwise known as “Cheezus” in Easter’s “Passion of the Cross” or the Antonio Banderas of LA artists), presents me with the perfect “Barbie Doll Cross,” a miniature version of his marvelous Bondage Cross that has brought so much pain and pleasure to so many friends and lovers at the show. Esteemed Snaketail Whip Mistress Cyan presents her pain-loving Slave Mark, and gives me my birthday spanking! Surprise guest porn star Brooke Hunter (luscious in black leather over-the-knee boots, big bare boobs and golden Lady Godiva hair) and the man who created Erotica LA, the legendary Don Hollywood. Lord Ross and Slave Terry take the whole spanking theme to a new level with a wicked caning. Then Mistress Cyan and Brooke whip Terry’s tremendous 38G tattas with mesmerizing precision-rhythmic synchronicity. Plus: Kim dances topless, Yale interns from the Y-Annex help to produce the show, the Reverend Bookburn calls in with blasphemous b-day blessings, CJ delivers a naughty b-day poem, and the Hollywood Erotic Museum presents a gorgeous nude of Marilyn Monroe. Also, introducing new elements to our “Republican Torture” Erotic Art Exhibit, including Eben Lehrer’s She-Wolf Series, Scott Seidman’s Sacred Porn Paintings and my POW Porn collage: “Theater of Cruelty.”

But the sexy, silly, kinky kooky Porn Klownz–Shmutz, Danger, Caution, Nutz, Malice, Elvis and Ultra-Violent–really *make* this a spanking great b-day. Ultra-Violent (aka freekBALL) even lights my b-day candles with the official Klown Blowtorch, hardening Keiko’s nubile nipples (she’s a pyrophiliac) and generally creating Shock & Awe in the Speakeasy. Adding a touch of SPLOSH to the festivities, Malice in Wonderland sits bare-assed right down in my cake, then the Klownz and I lick her clean…well, sticky… Yumm! Frosted buns! Happy Birthday! We are all born from sex—with all due respect to the Virgin Mother: Most mothers are not virgins. We are all born of sperm and egg coitus. We are all Children of Sex. Sex is what brings us into the world, and sex is what motivates us to stick around for a while. Praise the Lord and the Lady! Praise be to the Power and Glory of SEX! It keeps you young. My Pyrophiliac B-Day Spanking Gangbang plays tonight on RadioSuzy1TV, including the bonus feature “Spanking for Adults Only.” And get ready for another bodacious B-Day Bash coming to the Speakeasy on June 10. Make your plans.