Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners…It is time for us to come together to unleash Weapons of Mass Seduction in erotic celebration of the Rites of Spring, The Resurrection of Dionysus, The Miracle of Easter & the Festival of Esther, also known as Purim, all for your viewing pleasure on RadioSuzy1TV.

Esther Prepares For The King: 1841 Painting by Hector Balk

Join Us Saturday for A Commedia Erotica Celebration of the Story of Esther. Make Reservations or Watch Online

Now, don’t know Purim from purée, that’s okay. You’re about to find out all about this Old Testament Bible Lesson in the Art of Sexual Seduction for a Worthy Cause. Yes indeed, Brothers & Sisters, it’s all right there in your Holy Bible, smack dab between Nehemiah and Job, the Megillat Esther is filled with sex, seduction, masquerade, exhibitionism, erotic teasing, sexual harassment, kinky sex, debauchery, feasting, dominance and submission, wild parties, political intrigue, and drinking; did I mention drinking? This is a holiday in which you are supposed to get so drunk that you don’t know the bad guys from the good.

So, whether you join us for our Purim Bacchanal in the flesh or online, drink up and enjoy the Dr. Susan Block Commedia Erotica Speakeasy Players in my erotic exotic, politically incorrect interpretation of The Story of Esther, a beautiful young trophy wife who saves her tribe from genocide through her powers of sexual seduction. And in a time when power was almost always gained through brute force and merciless violence – a time much like our own, though we don’t kill ‘em so much with swords now, bombs being more efficient – this was, and still is, a kind of human sexual miracle. Like Cleopatra after her, Queen Esther made sexual seduction into a sophisticated art – teasing her victim, stimulating fantasies, making him want her, fear he might lose her, hope he might please her. This is the ultimate form of power through love, and a vital aspect of the Bonobo Way of peace through pleasure.

Megillat Esther

Our story begins with a celebration: A great Biblical feast of 180 days. That’s six months of solid partying (and we think if we party all weekend, we’re being decadent). King Ahasuerus, also known as the Great Persian King Xerxes, who rules 127 provinces from India to Ethiopia, is the man behind this Mother of All Parties, taking place in the magical city of Shushan, in the land we now call Iran.

 One of the courtiers is a man called Haman. Haman is the Villain. Every good story has a villain. And the villain of the Purim Story is Haman the Agagite who wears a 3-corner hat, like a pirate, the same shape as these hamantaschen we eat on Purim. And when you hear his name Haman, the tradition is that you make noise. You bang the drum, and you crank the groggers and you shake your noisemakers, and you shake your moneymaker. Ah, the joy of sharing a common enemy.So, Haman, along with the other princes, is at the king’s festival, and at the climax of this Mother of All Parties, “the king, merry with wine,” and wanting to impress his royal party animal drinking buddies, calls for his wife, Vashti, “with her royal crown, in order to show the people and the princes her beauty.” Now, when I was a kid in Hebrew School, I learned that “with her royal crown” really meant “wearing nothing but her royal crown.” In other words, the king wants his wife to dance naked.So…where’s Vashti? Vashti’s in her harem with the ladies. And she refuses to come out, this Mother of All Party-Poopers. The Bible doesn’t say why. Maybe she’s on the rag. Maybe she’s hung over, or making a political statement as the original anti-sex feminist, or just being a bitch. Anyway, she just says, “No way. Go hire a hooker from the Emperor’s Club, you royal perv. I’m not going to parade naked before you and your drunken friends.” If she could have sued him for sexual harassment, she would have, but they didn’t have lawsuits back then. They didn’t even have lawyers, though they did, of course, have Judges.Well, the king is not pleased, to say the least. In fact, he’s royally pissed, and all the drunken princes are outraged (you know how outraged drunk frat boys can be when the stripper doesn’t show up). So, the king kicks Vashti out of the palace. Some interpretations say she’s executed which, I always thought, was a rather drastic punishment for refusal to strip at a drunken party, and not just because I’m against capital punishment. Anyway, here at the Speakeasy, we do not abide by Biblical morality, and we will not execute our Vashti. We will simply strip her down and tie her to the Bondage Cross…Now, Ahasuerus needs a new queen, a trophy wife, a virgin. They were into that then, the virgin fetish. A lot of guys are still into the virgin fetish (we even have born-again virgins!), which can be quite problematic, in my opinion as a sex therapist. But, Ahasuerus doesn’t have me or anyone else as a sex therapist (they didn’t have sex therapists back then), and he wants a virgin. So he holds a Greater Persian Beauty Contest where all the hottest virgins in his kingdom compete to be queen. Yes indeed, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners: Rows and rows of Biblical jailbait, all decked out and panting to be picked…One of the virgins is named Esther, a “comely” young girl, coached by her Cousin Mordecai. I call him Pimping Cousin Mordecai, because in a way, Mordecai is the Original Righteous Pimp. He encourages Esther to bat her “comely” virgin eyes, but keep a lid on her religion. See, back then in ancient Persia (now Iran), it wasn’t too cool to be Jewish. Of course, it’s still not too cool to be Jewish in Iran. Nor is it too cool to be Muslim in Israel. Ethnic intolerance is a curse of humanity, but change is in the air! That’s one reason we’re telling this story.Another reason is that disguising your true self is an important aspect of the art of seduction. To seduce someone, you must enter their world. You must penetrate the spirit of your “victim.” Esther puts aside her true personal identity in order to penetrate the spirit of the King. And the Spirit of the King is in the harem…

The HaremWithin the sensuous prison of the harem, Esther and the other virgins are “purified,” that is, bathed and perfumed, rubbed down and dolled up for 180 days. When it came to spa beauty treatments, those ancient Persians out-Japped the JAPs. Esther and the other virgins are also instructed in the Arts of Seduction, and though they are all in the harem learning to be seductresses together, only one will be Queen, so there’s a bit of competition, rather like “Persia’s Next Top Model” meets “Who Wants To Marry A King?”With King Ahasuerus and a couple of Harem Girls at Purim 2006.

Some of this seduction instruction is done by other women, and some is done by eunuchs, that is, Biblical post-op transsexuals. Essentially, these are guys who have been literally castrated for one reason or another. Their main job is to take care of the harem girls without impregnating them, which is the sole prerogative of the king. Aside from the humiliation factor, the excruciating pain of having your penis and/or testicles removed (nonconsensually, for the most part) must have been awful, but at least if you’re a eunuch, you can always get a job in a harem. And it was the ancient beginning of a transgendered community, although in this case, being transgendered was not always consensual. And each of the harem ladies gets her own human safe sex toy, her personal eunuch. I imagine that Esther received some lessons in lovemaking during her six-month intensive, perhaps from some of the older, more experienced ladies of the harem, each showing off her skills in the art and science of seduction, including, I would think, the use of toys. Of course, they didn’t have vibrating gloves. But I’m sure they had various types of dildos

Esther is beautified by eunuchs

Now, after all those treatments and tutorials, the time comes for Esther to “go in unto” the king. That’s the Bible’s way of saying they have sex. Whereupon she gives him the best head he’s ever had.‘

Royal Head

Just kidding; the Bible doesn’t say she gives him head; I’m doing a little interpretative extrapolation here. Who knows, maybe she squirted! The king is clearly a pleasure-loving hedonist, and he falls madly in love with Esther after just one night, so I figure it must have been a hot night.

Esther entertains King Ahasuerus as Pimping Cousin Mordecai watches at Dr. Suzys Speakeasy Purim 2006

And so, the king crowns Esther queen of the trophy wives, and he holds another big bacchanalian bash. The Bible’s pretty coy about exactly what Esther does there, but I like to imagine that she strips down to her crown. After all, that’s the king’s fetish, and Vashti’s downfall. I can just see Esther dancing naked above crowds of besotted princes drooling at her comeliness. Go Esther! Go Grrl! But make no mistake: Esther’s go go, but she’s no bimbo…She’s about to get into some high stakes political action.

See, all this time, Esther’s Pimpin’ Cuz Mordecai has been hanging around outside the harem, where he overhears a couple of disgruntled eunuchs plotting to poison the king. Mordecai tells Esther who tells Ahasuerus who has the disgruntled eunuchs executed (they sure didn’t have a lawyer). Then he has his scribe (another eunuch) enter the event into his Royal Diary. This might just seem like byzantine Persian politics, but it’s actually an important aspect of the seduction of the king. After all, when you save someone’s life, you win their trust.

But just to get a bit more Byzantine…even as Esther and Mordecai are seducing the trust of the king, so is our Villain. Haman (remember Haman?) is promoted to be the King’s Prime Minister. All the people of Shushan bow down to Haman. The only exception is Mordecai who won’t bow down to nobody except “God,” and maybe his accountant, but certainly not this Haman character. Haman’s pissed. He’s a gangsta who demands respect. And when he doesn’t get it, he vows to kill not just Mordecai, but all the Jews, and all their accountants! And, since Haman is now the king’s pet, he uses Ahasuerus’ royal seal to issue an edict that all princes in all provinces must prepare “to destroy, to slay, to annihilate all Jews, young and old, women and children, in one day, the 13th day of Adar, and to plunder their goods.” To explain himself to the king, he plays the race card, saying “these people are different…so let them be destroyed.” Haman, a bit of an astrologer, picks the day by choosing lots, also called “purim,” thus the name of the holiday. But the 8-letter word is “genocide”. Oh, I know, this story isn’t so sexy anymore. Well, life isn’t just a barrel of orgasms…

So, Mordecai stages a protest outside the harem. He puts on “sackcloth and ashes” and roams by Esther’s window wailing, “Oy gevalt! They’re gonna kill us! AND they’re gonna clean out our bank accounts!” Esther’s eunuch comes out to see what the racket’s about. Mordecai gives the eunuch the bad news, adding that it’s up to Queen Esther to change her king’s mind.

Esther is not at all happy to get her new assignment. Actually, she’s scared to death. Because even though they didn’t have lawyers then, they did have laws. And according to the law, anyone who approaches the king without being invited is executed on the spot, unless the king holds out his golden scepter. Now, even though Esther’s the queen, the King hasn’t invited her in to see him. He’s probably exploring some of the other virgins in the harem; he might be in love with Esther, but he’s not monogamous. So, according to law, she could be killed – instantly. Considering what happened to Vashti, this wasn’t just paranoia.

But Cuz don’t want to hear from no laws. He reminds Esther, “The lives of all our people have been condemned. You might think that after all that beautifying, you’re assimilated and can pass for Persian, but Haman’s henchmen would not agree. Besides, perhaps you were blessed with your ‘comeliness’ for a nobler purpose than just keeping a horny King happy and getting your feet rubbed by eunuchs.” Talk about inflicting guilt; Pimpin’ Cousin Mordecai does a number on our Esther. But guilt like that can do some good. Guilt over sex is usually dumb guilt. Guilt over not saving people’s lives when you have an opportunity is generally good guilt…

Esther Eyes

So, shivering in her sandals, Esther goes to see Ahasuerus where he holds court. Upon spying her there without an invitation, the guards grab her and prepare to execute her on the spot. But the king sees it’s his favorite wife, his comely Esther, the one who not only makes him hot, but helped him avoid assassination. He is utterly bewitched, seduced by her. So, just in time, he holds out “his golden scepter” and saves her life.

Queen Esther touches the tip of the Kings Scepter. This is a bad scan of a glass framed etching that was given to me by Yale Universitys Chai Society “with great admiration and appreciation” at the first Sex Week at Yale 2002

I always considered this a very erotic, phallic image: the king saving Esther by holding out his long, hard scepter for her. Not that Esther deep-throats the thing. But the Bible does say, rather suggestively, that she “touches the tip of his scepter.” Of course, the king gets very excited. He falls for Esther all over again. She seduces him as she touches the tip of his scepter, looking up boldly yet coyly into his eyes. She entrances him with her sensuous grace. Like many desperately horny men who will do anything for certain women, Ahasuerus proclaims that he’ll give Esther whatever she wants. He’ll even give her half his kingdom, which at 127 provinces, is a lot of prime real estate.

But Esther is a cool seductress. She doesn’t tell him what she wants. She knows even a spoiled hedonist like her husband can’t be given all that he desires, or the spell of seduction is broken. So, she invites the king to a private dinner at her place. This is another important aspect of seduction: You must isolate your victim. Take him away from familiar surroundings into your sphere of power, take him to your place. Make him vulnerable to your influence. Entice him into your web of power with something he desires. In the case of Esther’s party animal king, she invited him to a party, a banquet of delicious surprises. Just to make things interesting, she invites Haman too. The kinky hint of a threesome lurks between the lines of this high stakes political erotic banquet.

This really excites the king; Esther knows that besides being a horndog, he’s also a foodie. Haman is ready too, puffing with pride that he’s received an invitation to a private evening with the king and his favorite wife. Esther entertains like a great geisha, plying her king and his Prince with wine, sweetmeats and erotic treats. Maybe she does have a threesome with the two of them. At least that’s one possible interpretation of “private entertaining” when you’re the queen of the harem.

When the king is pleasantly drunk, well-fed, and well-shtupped, he asks Esther again: What does she want? He’ll do anything! But Esther doesn’t tell him what she wants. She plays her potentate like an instrument. She teases the king into a frenzy, then stops and asks him and Haman to come back the next night for more. That’s it, Esther, always keep ‘em coming back for more. Always mix pleasure with pain. Always combine passion with denial. When you give him the pleasure after a little pain, you make him weak in the knees. This is the heart of the art of sexual seduction.

 So now, as you can imagine, the king has got royal blue balls. He departs in a state of erotic agitation, utterly under Esther’s spell. Meanwhile, on his way home, Haman sees Mordecai who still won’t bow down to his Royal Self. This makes Haman so mad that he can’t wait until the 13th of Adar to kill Mordecai. His wife Zeresh tells him to build a gallows right in his own front yard, and he gets up early the next morning to get the king’s okay to hang Mordecai that day. Of course, he has no idea that Mordecai is Queen Esther’s cousin. He doesn’t even know that the king’s wife is a Jewess.Meanwhile, back at the palace, Ahasuerus, still aroused by Esther’s teasing, can’t sleep. He can’t turn on the TV (they had plenty of eunuchs back then, but no TV’s). So he has one of his eunuchs read to him from his Royal Diary. This is another one of the those Byzantine moments. Remember when the king made the entry about Mordecai turning in those other eunuchs and saving his life? Well, that’s the entry he hears, and he decides he’s got to honor this Mordecai guy in some way. At this point, Haman strides into the palace, hell-bent on getting Ahasuerus to let him execute Mordecai NOW. But Ahasuerus, being king, speaks first: “What shall be done for the man whom the king delights to honor?”Haman stops mid-stride, assuming Ahasuerus is talking about him and suggests that “such a man” be given the king’s robes to wear and the king’s horse to ride while one of the king’s princes rides before him through town proclaiming his honor to all. Ahasuerus loves the concept, and commands Haman to do just that…for Mordecai the Jew. Haman is in as much shock and pain as a freshly castrated eunuch! But he obeys; he has to, he’s a company man. This is the greatest humiliation of his life, to lead Mordecai through the streets on the king’s horse. According to the Talmud, Haman’s daughter, thinking that it must be Mordechai leading her father around, dumped a chamber pot on her father’s head as he passed by. Now Haman is more determined than ever to kill, kill, kill Mordecai and all the Jews…Haman leads Mordecai on the Kings Horse.

 That night, Esther throws the dinner party of her life, with more wine and sex and sweetmeats, plus, I would imagine, a few of her harem sisters for spice. Her artful seduction has her king down on his royal knees again, like a submissive CEO with his Mistress-Domme, begging her to tell him what she wants. But she’s a cool mistress, that Esther… “What is your petition, Queen Esther?” begs the king, “It shall be granted you. What is your request? Even to the half of my kingdom, it shall be fulfilled.”

At this point, when Esther knows she’s got him by his royal cajones – when she knows he’d buy out Bloomie’s for her, if there had been a Persian Bloomie’s, our gal lays her cards on the table. Simple and straightforward. After all that teasing, she zeros in for the bulls eye… “I ask for my life,” she says, “and the life of my people.”

At this point, the king is her slave. “Yes, Mistress Esther, whatever you say.” He’s her doggie. And he’s the king. And like a lot of powerful guys, he’s a slave to his sex drive. But he’s a good guy. He may be a drunk, but he’s not a skunk. And he agrees to all of Esther’s demands.

But the story continues. Now that she’s stated her desire, and he’s granted her request, the king gets curious. WHO would destroy his Esther and her “people,” he demands to know. Uh oh…Haman’s in deep doodoo now.

Slowly, dramatically, Esther points to Haman. The king’s in shock; Haman’s his main man. He steps outside to think. Haman’s freaked. He gets down on his knees to beg forgiveness from Esther. What a woman, that Esther, royal goyim on their knees before her, one after the other. Haman’s literally falling all over Esther’s lap when the king walks back in and assumes the worst. “Will he even assault the queen in my presence?” he bellows. And within moments – no lawyers, no trial, no questions – Haman the Aggravating Agagite is taken away by eunuchs who hang him on the very gallows he prepared for Mordecai. Of course, we will hang and whip our Haman on the Bondage Cross.

Then the King gives Haman’s property to Esther, makes Mordecai his new Prime Minister, revokes the genocide edict, and the 13th day of Adar becomes a day of “gladness, feasting and holiday-making,” eating hamantaschen in the shape of Haman’s hat, and getting royally drunk. This is the joyous, sexy holiday of Purim.

March celebrates the Rites of Spring on Dr. Suzys Speakeasy 2008 Calendar

But the story isn’t quite over, and its grand finale is, by no means, a barrel of orgasms. Though it pains me to say it about a tale that is, for the most part, such an inspiration, I must admit there is a dark side to Purim’s *happy ending.* That is, though the king revokes the genocide edict, he cannot call off the hordes of swordsmen hellbent on killing Jews, so Ahaseurus give his royal permission for gangs of Jewish swordsmen to kill thousands of their “enemies” in “self-defense,” including Haman’s 10 sons, some of whom are too young to even lift a sword. Of course, according to the Bible, this orgy of bloody revenge is all part of the “gladness, feasting and holiday-making.” For a peacenik like me who so appreciates Esther’s ability to seduce her king away from killing, it makes me want to toss my hamantashen and cry in my wine. Must the oppressed become the oppressor? Must the cycle of violence go on?

The Punishment of Haman by Michelangelo 1508-12 Fresco Cappella Sistina, Vatican

Not that I’m surprised. The Biblical and real histories of Judaism, like its offspring Christianity and Islam, are covered with the dead victims of God-loving, righteous, racist mass murder. Check it out, it’s all right there in your Bible and your Koran.

And so, much as I adore the character of Esther, the trophy wife queen who uses her powers of seduction to save her tribe from genocide, and her Pimpin’ Cousin Mordecai, they both disappoint me in the end with their fall into vicious bloodthirsty revenge. Thus, as you can see by my Commedia Erotica Purimschpiels, I’m not pious about Purim or any other religious holiday. I just want to offer up my rather personal, exotic, erotic interpretation of Esther’s Story, and I hope that it inspires you to use the art of sexual seduction to create peace in your life and our world. I also hope it warns you against taking yourself (Haman) or any religion (Mordecai) so seriously that it leads you into killing other human beings who don’t bow down to you or your God. But please don’t let me get grandiose about a story, even a sexy Bible story. I just hope you enjoyed the seduction.

L’chaim! Shalom… Salaam… Peace through Pleasure… Amen & Awomen. Let’s Party!