Before we plunge into a couple of hot new episodes of “Travels with Max,” Wherein The Love Doctor and Her Butler—Who’s Really a Prince—Go to Sex Week at Yale and the Moonlight Bunnyranch Bordello, I want to announce the winner of our Secret Sexual Fantasy contest. It was a tough choice because there were so many wonderful submissions (many of which were deliciously submissive), and more keep coming—and cumming—in. But the Board of Bloggamists had to pick one winner, and that winner is (drum roll please): Shari! Not only did “Shari Baby” submit several excellent, sensuous, sexual fantasies, but she aroused the most response from fellow bloggamists. To enjoy Shari’s fabulous erotic imaginings, as well as everyone else’s, check out to the Secret Sexual Fantasy bloggamy.
We held the Secret Sexual Fantasy contest as that was the subject of my talk at a Saybrook Master’s Tea during Sex Week at Yale (SWAY) 2010. Of course, most Yalies themselves are too busy cramming for mid-terms, fine-tuning their dissertations, test-driving their Pocket Rockets and modeling their Lust et Veritas g-strings to actually enter the contest. But they weren’t too busy to pack themselves into the Saybrook Master’s Lounge for my Valentine’s Day talk and then whisper their secret fantasies to me (most of which involved sex with their study partners) during the informal chat after the lecture.
Building up to that sexual/intellectual climax, my darling butler Prince Max and I flew Delta into New York and shuttled into New Haven, arriving at our Saybrook guest suite in the wee hours, a troupe of mildly drunken undergrads serenading us from Branford, the college next door. It was enough to inspire a little quickie sex before we tumbled into jet-lagged slumber, later waking up to find ourselves within the marvelous, gargoyle-festooned Killingworth Courtyard of Yale’s oldest residential college, draped in snow and mystery.
We hustled about our day, first meeting with the very convivial new Saybrook Master Paul Hudak, to whom we presented a bottle of 15-year-old Rhum Barbancour (support Haiti!), as we chatted about the upcoming Tea; we also learned that Master Hudak’s mother is from Italy and father is Czech, just like Max’s. Of course, Max’s mom was Princess Filangieri and his dad is Prince Lobkowicz (Prince of Prague, Duke of Melnick), but we weren’t about to pull rank with the Master, especially since those titles are now worth less than a Lobkowicz beer. Next we munched a little lunch in Saybrook’s fine dining hall, hopped over to the Yale Bookstore to sign copies of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure (well-positioned amongst a bunch of great sex-and-love books, including Love Junkie by fellow Yale alumna and radioSUZY1 guest Rachel Resnick), picked up a “Yale Husband” hat for Prince Max at Campus Customs (who will soon start manufacturing our Lust et Veritas T-shirts, if not the g-strings), snooped around the always ominous Skull & Bones and gave a video interview to Ben Karp at Eliezer (formerly the Chai Society) of Yale.
Next was a delicious Shabbat dinner with the energetic Rabbi Shmully Hecht and about 75 mostly Semitic Yalies. Ben asked me to tell everyone the Biblical story of Abraham’s servant, Eliezer, who found a wife (Rebecca) for his son, Isaac, who was a little shy; you’d be shy too had your father almost killed you as a sacrifice to God when you’d hit puberty. My wonderful, well-wined audience wanted more, so, since Purim was around the corner, I continued with a condensed version of my erotic interpretation of the Story of Esther, the teenage beauty contest winner who uses her Weapons of Mass Seduction to save her people. We were reluctant to leave all that appreciation and Biblical bonhomie, but we wanted to check out a SWAY event, a bondage suspension performance by Madison Young (whom we’d met on Twitter) and Eden Wells, which was scheduled to take place at Yale’s Payne Whitney Gymnasium. It would have been great to have a little consensual, artistic-erotic pain at the Payne, but when gym administrators realized this was to be a BDSM suspension (did they think it was going to be just a walk on the balance beam?), they backed out at the last minute. Consequently, the nimble, resourceful SWAY organizers found a fraternity house behind Yale’s Pierson College that agreed to host the mildly kinky performance. The problem there was that attaching Madison’s suspension device to the ceiling would have brought the whole house down, and not with applause, but with collapsing drywall and chandeliers; although Madison’s a masochist, she’s not into that kind of pain. The only ceiling in the house that could safely hold up the suspension device was actually outside the house, on the front porch, so that’s where they did it, in the below-freezing New England air, a group of shivering, excited students tightly gathered, like a Shibari bondage knot, around them.
It was quite a scene. As Max and I strolled up to it, I felt as if we were happening upon a lynching but, instead of a black man being hung from a tree before a crowd of rednecks, it was a white woman being suspended from a porch ceiling before a crowd of Yalies. It was all very eerie, until a student broke the silence with, “Why are you doing this?” Bound Madison responded, “Because I like it,” sending us all into tension-releasing laughter. Then, wouldn’t you know it: the police came. But no worries, this wasn’t LAPD or NYPD; it was the easy-going, Yale-friendly NHPD who just wanted to make sure that no one was really being hurt—or lynched. “I have a daughter in college,” one of the officers acknowledged after some of the SWAY students explained the situation, “…so I understand stuff like this.” If only all police were as respectful toward their citizens as the New Haven cops are with their Yalies.
That night, with visions of mystical, icy, safe-sane-and-consensual lynchings dancing in our heads, my handsome Prince Max and I enjoyed multi-orgasmic, marital sex in our lovely Saybrook suite. Yes, Virginia, there is sex after heart surgery and, in some ways, it’s better than ever, partly because you’re so grateful to have it at all. And it always helps to experience some weirdly stimulating event as “foreplay,” like watching the edgy outdoor performance kink of Madison Young.
The next morning we simmered in a nice, sensuous bath, making more love and splashing in rhythm to the chimes of Harkness Tower just outside our bathroom, then wandered over to Harkness Hall (yes, the Harkness family built a lot of Yale) to see Madison deliver a lecture. Most of the talk was about how to make household objects, like clothespins and string, into instruments of kinky fun. At one point, demonstrating how to use chopsticks as nipple clamps, mad Madison took her top off and kept it off for a good (very good!) 20 minutes. In all my years at Yale, I’ve never seen an instructor teach a class topless (check out the photos in the Sex Week at Yale Private Gallery), but Professor Madison Egg Foo Young pulled it off like it was as natural as eating fried noodles.
Speaking of eating, next on the agenda was dinner with the SWAY staff, a “feminist porn” panel moderated by Fleshbot Editor Lux Alptraum and a party at Toad’s. Of all the feminist pornographers, Madison seemed to be the most artistic and daring—at least at Yale. Tristan Taomorino was the wittiest and worldliest. Joanna Angel was the sexiest and most down to earth; also the most family-oriented, attending Sex Week in the company of her two sisters, neither of whom work in the sexual realm. Buck Angel (no relation to Joanna) was the most intriguing, being a rather muscular, bearded man who used to be a woman (but still retains female genitalia). Sasha Grey was the prettiest, the most famous (largely due to her star turn in Steven Sodebergh’s “The Girlfriend Experience”) and, arguably, the most confused. The next day, Prince Max set her straight about a few things regarding Freedom of Speech and the unfortunate incarceration of fellow pornographer Max Hardcore. The after-party at Toad’s was fun, with body-painted waitresses pouring champagne and a bit of dirty dancing, though not as energized as SWAY 2008.
This was probably just as well because Sunday was Valentine’s Day, the day of my Tea with Master Hudak, his lovely wife Associate Master Cathy Van Dyke and a packed-to-the-stairwells hall of Yalies—even better attended than my previous two Teas with former Saybrook Master Mary Miller (promoted last year to Yale College Dean). Tea attendees also included post-grad evolutionary psychologist Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman and active bloggamist and Facebook friend Dr. Grace. I thoroughly enjoyed playing professor for an hour; everyone was eager to learn about their own—and their neighbors’—Secret Sexual Fantasies and get a few goodies from my goody bag. I felt like the Mary Poppins of Sex at Yale except, instead of spoonfuls of sugar, I gave out Doc Johnson Pocket Rockets and BlockFilms DVDs. Not that sex is medicine, but some sex information can be a bit hard to swallow, so to speak.
Cathouse Sex Therapist
It wasn’t long afterward that my Valentine and I were rocketing back to LA, then ricocheting off into an entirely different kind of sex education: The Moonlight Bunnyranch Bordello in Carson City, Nevada, where brothels are sanely legal and really rather safe. I had been invited by Pimpmaster General Dennis Hof to have a “therapeutic” talk about sex and love with his current batch of working girls, including the amazing Mika Tan, whom Dr. Susan Block Show fans may recall from her star turn in Weimar Love: Hot Sex in Pre-Nazi Berlin. I also enjoyed meeting Camryn, a former banker who resembles a young Cybil Shepard, and Cami Parker, Dennis’ current “girlfriend experience,” who looks like a living Barbie Doll, as well as the rest of this dynamic troupe of pleasure providers. After our chat, Camryn told me that one of my older HBO shows had inspired her to open up sexually and do what she really wanted to do; it’s nice to know I’ve inspire a banker to quit banking and get an honest job in a legal bordello.
I also wound up talking to Dennis himself about all sorts of personal stuff he’s never talked about before, as the fly-on-the-wall cameras of HBO filmed everything for their hit show Cathouse , directed and produced by the amazing Patti Kaplan and executive produced by fellow Yale alumna and multiple Emmy-winner Sheila Nevins. Yes, Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, I’m back on HBO, as the new Cathouse sex therapist. And no, I don’t have air dates yet. Just keep watching HBO, and you’ll see me eventually.
Talking with all those hot working girls got our sex juices flowing again and, before we knew it, we were humping in the hotel bed. No doubt, hotels can be great aphrodisiacs, but that’s enough traveling for this Love Doctor and Her Prince (who acts as Her Butler) for a while. Time to settle down to some good old fashioned sex-at-home in El Lay.
Below are just a few free pics from our trips. If you want to see more, check out the Yale Sex Week, HBO Cathouse & Feb Club private gallery with photos from SWAY 2010 (including Madison’s topless lecture), the Bunnyranch (including a few topless bunnies) and a pre-SWAY Yale February Club drinking party (including Jacquie Coe, one of the SWAY ’08 directors and a Saybrook gal, who is most assuredly not topless). Once you Join the Bloggamy, you’ll also have access to thousands more amazing photos, including numerous XXX-rated ones (that show a lot more than topless), and you will be showing your support for the Institute and Speakeasy at recession-friendly prices.
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