Length 1:29:41:00   Date: Nov. 29, 2014

With key Bonoboville staff gone for the holidaze, it’s a small show but it offers up some big advice for inexperienced young men from conservative families who dream of dating porn stars, as well as guys who’d rather be girls, aspiring actors and exhibitionists, anyone who wants to follow The Bonobo Way and losers who yearn to enter the winner’s circle.

Luzer’s a Winner!

All two of my guests are winners. But one is actually named Luzer, and yes, it’s pronounced “loser,” though this Luzer is now the winner of the “Best Actor” award in two different international film festivals (in Torino, Italy and Amiens, France) for his tour de force performance as a complex, cuckolded Orthodox Jewish husband in the Canadian film “Félix & Meira.” Just goes to show, even if everyone calls you a loser, or Luzer, you could be a winner too.

Luzer is also our elegantly dressed chauffeur here in Bonoboville (though you wouldn’t know it from the hoodie he sports on this show), and he isn’t quite enough of a winner (yet) to quit his day-job. Only in LA can a sexologist like me get a chauffeur like Luzer who’s also a multiple-award winning actor, soon to make his debut as a singer with esteemed Norwegian musician Hans Petter Gundersen. Not bad for a guy cursed (or blessed?) with the name “Luzer Twersky,” the “Luzer” part being an obvious drawback. As for the surname of “Twersky,” it is the moniker of one of the most renowned and gigantic families in the ultra-Orthodox Satmar clan. Luzer’s own dad, the much revered Rebbe Twersky, has never even seen any movie at all, let alone the one for which his son is now collecting awards.

The Miseducation of Donald

Luzer’s advice to “Donald”—who calls in to the show from a conservative “Christian” community in Lancaster, Pennsylvania for tips on how to date porn stars—is to not treat them like porn stars. Like Luzer’s character in “Félix & Meira,” Donald was cuckolded and cheated on by his ex-girlfriend, so he’s a little wary of women, but also stimulated by the “sperm wars effect,” and ready for erotic adventure. Indeed, by the end of his call, he declares he is hopping a plane, train or hitching a ride from Lancaster all the way to Bonoboville to interview for the currently open PR position!

Der Baroness Bendz & Der President Clinton

My other guest is winning on a whole different level. Born a physiological male in Austria, “Der Baroness” Britney Bendz is happily transitioning to female in America. Like an Academy award recipient, she effusively thanks the City of San Francisco for “footing the bill” of her future boob job. Though no, she does not wish to go the full “roto-rooter” transsexual route. Britney identifies as lesbian, or “transbian,” but if you’re a nice guy and you pay her enough, she will give you a blow-job or whatever kind of job you’re paying for. She loves being a TS porn star, even though her customers may call her a “shemale.”

She’s also quite the crossover artist, playing the role of a dominatrix in HBO’s “Looking” and a mysterious part on a very famous Fox-Tv show that she won’t name (hint: rhymes with “me”), just in case the casting couch folks might take issue with the passionate, very lipsticky blow-job she administers to my Bill Clinton dildo. Speaking of dildos, Der Baroness is also starring in a film called “Night of the Living Dong” which appears to have snagged my fellow Yalie and Troma Films auteur Lloyd Kaufman into doing a cameo or taking a bucket of toxic green goo for charity, or something.

Put a Rubber on that Devil!

“Night of the Living Dong” would scare the cactus out of Arizona where it is technically illegal to have more than two dildos in your house. Meaning if you’re like the Baroness (or me) and you’re into variety, you could be taken away in handcuffs, and not the leather-and-lace kind. It’s even worse in Georgia where all sex toys are banned. No wonder so many of those Georgia peaches turn into desperate housewives!

But the funniest law (according to Capt’n Max who unfurls this list of weird sex laws) is just down the dusty road from LA in beautiful Bakersfield, California where “it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.” Don’t ask us how that one got on the books (maybe Michael Weinstein’s doing?), but fortunately, our friends at Condomania (thank you, Nicole Donnelly!) have supplied us with plenty of fires-of-hell-proof latex with which to wrap the Devil’s dong, in case the rules of Bakersfield should somehow get voted into law in LA.

One more big “Mazel Tov” to our winner Luzer. If you’re a Luzer—or even a chronic loser—take note: your big win could be just around the corner. Just follow The Bonobo Way.