Masturbation de Mayo 2014 Kicks Off the M Month with a BANG !
Length 1:45:39 Date: May 03, 2014
What an amazing, bonoboësque, masturbating-and-fornicating fiesta of a live show! What a way to kick off (not to mention jack ‘n’ jill-off) the Merry Masturbation Month of May, with a tip of my tipsy sombrero to Cinco de Mayo. Commemorating the Battle of Puebla on the 5th of May in 1862 when a relatively small, poorly armed militia of 4500 led by Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin defeated the well-equipped French army of 6500 soldiers which had come to install Napoleon III’s cousin, the Archduke Maximilian of Austria (no relation to my Prince Maximillian of Prague), as ruler. The Mexican victory was short-lived, but it was an underdog’s triumph against overwhelming odds, a glorious, memorable moment of revolutionary euphoria.
The message of masturbation is also revolutionary, on a very personal level. That is, if you can help yourself to the greatest sexual pleasure, you really don’t need to submit to the demands of an unreasonable husband, wife, religion, government or snooty archduke. No wonder masturbation is still so taboo! Back in the 1990s, U.S. Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders lost her job for having the temerity to suggest that masturbation could be included as a form of safe sex in a school sex educational program. If only then-President Bill Clinton had taken Dr. J’s sound advice instead of sharing his DNA with Monica’s blue dress, he might not have been impeached. Instead, he caved to Republican pressure and fired Dr. Elders. To combat such Presidential ignorance and other solo sex taboos with education and celebration, my mentor Dr. Betty Dodson and our friends up at Good Vibrations invented the M Month. ¡Mes de Masturbación Feliz!
Here in Bonoboville, we call the early May convergence of Cinco de Mayo and the start of Masturbation Month, “Masturbation de Mayo,” and who better to share it with than sinfully sweet Selma Sins, Ideal Image Models’ adult starlet and one of our favorite return guests on DrSuzy.Tv. Having grown up in a traditional Mexican-American family, Selma has celebrated many Cinco de Mayos, but none with quite so much salsa caliente as this one.
Which brings me to my other featured guest: Tyler Knight is a DrSuzy.Tv virgin, but he’s a quick study, though not a quick comer. His gallant demeanor is quite knightly indeed. Playgirl spokesmodel, AVN-award-winning porn star and “dirty realism” writer (with a novel on the way!), with his own trademark blow-up doll, which has traveled the world, even making an appearance on The Colbert Report. But we’re most impressed by how Tyler himself made it to Bonoboville: He literally ran all the way to West LA from Silverlake! Talk about stamina; the noble Mr. Knight is the king.
Or more accurately, he is the President, a.k.a. the “Porn Obama,” having played the part of the U.S. Commander-in-Chief in a couple of adult films, including the Hustler parody White House Orgy, featuring the music video “America on the Run,” with Tyler playing a gold-chained, rapping Prez flanked by bikini-suited aids Selma and Bonnie Rotten. He also plays Barry in a scene with Lisa Ann as Sarah Palin, and says the “most popular porn star in the world” (whom I interviewed for Playboy TV back when she was just a White House intern) is very “generous” on set. Though he’s more buff than Barack (also a running enthusiast), Tyler’s got that presidential air about him, even naked—or maybe especially naked—which we uncover through the sacred ritual of Bonoboville Communion.
For this, we have a delectable new libation, Dirty Tequila, thanks to our own Nikki Knight (no relation to Tyler). And what more appropriate drink to toast this “south of the border” fiesta than tequila? Though Dirty Tequila isn’t your typical blue agave beverage that scalds your palette so you really need that salt and lime to cut the burn. It’s “great tequila taste with no ‘tequila face.’” Sure enough, its scrumptious cinnamon-pineapple flavor infusion makes you forget you’re imbibing hard liquor, at which point you may find yourself doing and saying things worthy of the name “Dirty.” If you’re an easy drunk, sip with care. It’s too good! But do try this delicious and potent libation, especially if you like “girly drinks,” whatever your gender.
Though Dirty Tequila needs no salt, Bonoboville Communion does (salt being our version of the communion wafer), and for Masturbation de Mayo, Trixie Plenty makes it as green, white and red as a Bandera de Mexico. Then we sprinkle it on various body parts, starting with Selma’s lovely natural boobs and luscious vulva lips—¡Olé! Tyler goes down con mucho gusto, and pretty soon has Selma screaming en Español and climaxing in the universal language of love. Now that’s effective Obamacare. If the real President is possessed of one-tenth of Tyler’s oral skill, then Michelle must be one happy First Lady. Tyler’s “Dirty Spanish” is almost as fluent as Selma’s. He is a cunning linguist, as well as a lingering cuntist (if that’s a phrase).
For her Dirty Tequila Bonoboville Communion, Selma’s tongue traces the dark Knight’s happy trail all the way down his utility belt past, under his red boxers to that über-Presidential flagpole of his. Thus the masturbation celebration segues into good old-fashion copulation or, as Tyler’s clan of strict Southern Baptists might say, “fornication.” Whatever you want to call it, it’s a wondrous, erotic sight to behold: two gorgeous, playful humans with a lot of chemistry… and a little Dirty Tequila—doing it in almost every position possible, head-phones and hats flying , kicking off the M Month with a BANG! Thanks also to Condomania for your Magnum condoms,providing homeland security for Airforce One.
And there’s one more thing to celebrate: Selma’s 24th birthday (coming up May 18th), for which she gets 24 spanks with my green and red JuxLeather finger-floggers, and a few thwacks for good luck with Mr. Knight’s Excalibur. Speaking of which, shout-out to Catherine Imperio, another May baby!
Just before Bonoboville Communion kicks in, we take a bunch of questions and comments from the Twitterverse. Masturbation is always a hot topic, and everybody loves Selma and Tyler. After Panty Boy gets Selma to exchange her turquoise panties for a lacy pink thong, he asks about her favorite sex scenes, and she chooses her most recent “interracial” film (her partner in this scene happens to be one of our other favorite guests, Ideal Image Models’ secretly royal Isiah Maxwell). Just the word “interracial” gets all of us talking about the racist jerk (no offense meant to jerkin’ it for the M Month) of the week: infamous billionaire, former slumlord and current Clippers owner Donald Sterling, formerly Donald Tokowitz (Oy! Why does this noodnick have to be Jewish?). Everyone is wondering how an NBA team owner could make such loathsome, irrational demands regarding “black people” of his half-black/half-Latina mistress/archivist/silly rabbit and recently-declared Presidential candidate V. Stiviano. I don’t know all the facts (who does?), but Sterling’s racist remarks—coupled with his sleazy habit of bringing women into the Clippers’ locker room during shower time and saying “look at those beautiful black bodies”—reveals that he’s an “interracial sex fetishist” in addition to being a garden-variety bigot.
Factor in the fetish, and it makes a certain kind of creepy “sense” that the old relic tells his girlfriend to go ahead and “sleep with them,” but she must not “promote” his (or their) fetish on Instagram where others can see. Having an interracial sex fetish is no excuse for racism. But getting to the sexual meat of the matter does shed some light on the racist rant and “plantation mentality” that has held the media in its grip most of the week. Factor in the heavy medication Sterling’s on for his prostate cancer, and you’ve got one blithering BBC-loving billionaire bigot. Alas, far worse than his blithering are his and his wife’s discriminatory actions in real estate against regular folks with a lot less power than Magic Johnson, systematically excluding African-Americans and Hispanics from his rental properties.
Not everybody who enjoys watching or engaging in interracial sex is a bigot. Not at all. Indeed, if you don’t enjoy watching the erotic beauty of Selma and Tyler getting O-Laid… you must need a shot of Dirty Tequila. It turns on Pr. Max and me so much that, after Selma and her cute “civilian” friend Sara leave, Tyler runs back to Silverlake (seriously!) and the post-show drama (oh, the drama!) dies down, we have to do a little mutual masturbation of our own…
So… ¡Viva la Masturbación! Have a papi-happy, slappy Masturbation de Mayo, take matters into your own hands and enjoy the pleasure of your own company for the rest of the Mmmmm month. If you need a hand, call our therapists for a telephonic adventure in Guided Masturbation. In between solo sex sessions, check out Bonoboville in Beta. June’s for honeymoons and July’s the month to share the love, so register now to join us at the Lifestyles Festival for the bonoboësque time of your life!