PlanetoftheApes

So next, maybe as a kind of sequel, let's have a Planet of the Bonobos! Now that would be exciting. It would be corny, of course, but then all of these ape flicks are corny. Let's say a human astronaut--maybe it should be a female this time--crash-lands in a strange new world where apes, humans and ape-human hybrids co-mingle peaceably and pleasurably. In this world, the humans have difficulty reproducing on their own (let the script-committee figure out why), so the bonobos outnumber the humans 10 to 1. About 80% of the population is bonobo-human hybrids. The rest are pure bonobos, the original ethical hedonists.

Sex and sensuality are everywhere. There are virtually no racial, social, species or gender boundaries on Planet Bonobo. Little alliances and jealousies occur, but for the most part, everyone has sex with virtually everyone else. Orgies are as common as barbeques. Politicians are elected on the basis of their sexual prowess. A Sexual Olympics, featuring the most virile and attractive performers in every erotic activity, is held every four years. Porn stars are held in the same high esteem that we hold professional athletes. Those who won't have sex in public, for whatever reason, are looked upon with pity and disdain. Sex is purchased, bartered or given away freely. Gifts of sex are given regularly as charity. There is some violence among the inhabitants of the Bonobo Planet, but murder is rare and war does not exist. Guns and other lethal weapons are outlawed. On the Planet of the Bonobos (as in real-life bonobo communities), different forms of sex are used to reduce hostile tension.

Into this crazy sexual world tumbles our lady astronaut (call her Jane). At first, she's duly horrified by the horny apes and their human and half-human cousins. She's scared. She disgusted. She's weirded out by all the interspecies action. She also lost her male astronaut counterpart (call him Dick). When the "beasts" welcome Jane into their orgiastic society, she tries to run away, but there's nowhere to run to. She tries to find Dick, but she can't make contact. Finally, she falls for a sexy, hunky human-bonobo hybrid (call him Cheetah), a sensitive ape-man with an enticing overbite. He helps our Jane to relax and get into the swing of things on Planet Bonobo. Jane tosses off her astro-duds, "goes native," has the time of her life, and discovers the power of her sexuality, the power in giving and receiving pleasure with her new lover and all her sexy new neighbors. Even if they are kind of hairy.

Suddenly, just as Jane's getting settled into her new lifestyle, Dick appears (let the script-committee figure out how). Dick is even more appalled by Bonobo Planet behavior than Jane was, plus he's jealous because he's always had the hots for her. He tries to rescue her, but that only makes her realize she doesn't need rescuing, and she doesn't want to go home. She's happier than she's ever been right here among the bonobos. Dick tells her she'll regret not coming home with him as he fixes their broken space pod and gets ready to blast back home. But he can't make it work, and he almost kills himself - and almost blows up the Planet as well - trying, and it isn't long before he succumbs to the seductions of a bevy of bonobo nursemaids who heal his wounds (yes, they're also a little hairy, but super-sensuous, and totally unopposed to swallowing). Led by Cheetah and Jane in dismantling Dick's space pod bomb, the bonobos save their Planet, teach Dick the power of sharing pleasure, and everyone lives and screws happily ever after.

Hey, it's no sillier than Burton's Planet of the Apes. Now I just need to get Baker to make the masks and a chimp to write the script.

For more on bonobos, click here

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