America Wants A Divorce!
George, we want a divorce. We the American People – those of us who voted for you and those of us who didn’t, those of us who believed your bald-faced fish stories and those of us who didn’t – want your abusive lying ass, your ignorant monkey face and all your low-life chickenhawk asshole buddies out of our House (the White one) and out of our lives. We’d like to send you to Guantanamo, but we’ll settle for Crawford. We are so over you, we really are.
We are tired of your beatings and neglect. We are sick of your “war fetish,” sending our children off to kill and be killed in your disgusting illegal invasion and occupation of a country that wasn’t even bothering us. We have had it up to here with your mismanagement of our (America’s) finances. We are tired of being humiliated by your obnoxious behavior in our Global Village, where when you act like a boor, we (America) get blamed. We are fed up with your born-again patriarchal, gay-bashing, liberty-smashing ways. We are outraged at your spying on us illegally, like a political Peeping Tom, as though we were all your playthings with no rights and no privacy. We are grossed out by your frat boy lust for torture. We are appalled by your being a Poster Boy for Executive Power Run Amok. We have had enough of your cheating on us (America) by giving all your attention, affection and OUR MONEY to your lover-cronies at Halliburton and Bechtel. We know that men like you tend to *think with your dick,* but YOUR Dick (Cheney) is our nightmare.
We are disgusted with your ignoring the basic needs of our poverty-stricken brothers and sisters, our fellow Americans, as you cater to your family (that’s Family Values for you), friends, patrons and cronies. Speaking of family, we are sick of being nice to our mother-in-law-from-hell, Babs the Beastly, and her “beautiful mind” which can’t be burdened with news and pictures of our loved ones that have been killed in her rotten son’s failed war. Most of all, George, we are sick and tired of your lies, lies, constant lies, Big Lies, little lies, smirking lies, shifty-eyed lies, neocon-artist lies, bald-faced lies, lethal lies. You’re lying and spying, while we do the dying, and we’re tired of it! We’re sick of “staying the course.”
The thrill is gone, George. You did seduce some of us with your ersatz macho cowboy posturing and the costumes; we just ate up those sexy little costumes. But that rush some of us got seeing you in your fly-boy suit, even though we knew it was stuffed, proclaiming “Mission Accomplished!” — gone. That feeling that “it all makes sense” some of us got when you confidently told us that Saddam and Osama were secret lovers — so gone. That warmth some of us felt when you waltzed that fake turkey around those carefully chosen troops – all dust and bitter ashes. A love affair, gone very, very sour. We the American People are enraged at the havoc you have wreaked in our House and the blood you have spilled – like a sloppy cook spills tomato sauce – in our name.
And no, we don’t have another lover. Though we could sure use one right now. We’re certainly not in love with Kerry or Hillary or any of the other Dems (though we like John Murtha’s strong stance against your ugly war, we love Jonathan Edwards’ hair, and we do wish Cindy Sheehan would run for something). It’s true that it’s easier to leave a bad marriage when you’ve got someone else’s arms to run into, even as a rebound. We don’t have that, but it doesn’t matter. When the marriage is as bad as this one, it’s best to leave even if the only place to go is a battered women’s shelter. We are certainly battered by your war, your debt, your torture, your lies, your spying on us as if we were the untrustworthy ones, your selfish cheating ways.
Of course, you’re not our first problem husband, George. We’ve had a few. Forty-two of them before you, to be exact. Most of them were killers, and all of them were liars. But your belligerence, incompetence, your arrogant refusal to abide by American and international laws and the sheer danger you pose to us and our neighbors is, in many ways, unprecedented. Sometimes we wonder, did we marry Bluebeard or just another bumbling bloodthirsty blueblood? We’d like to get a restraining order until the divorce goes through, but we can’t figure out where to apply.
That’s just it: We the American People don’t know how to get you out of our House. This is really frustrating and kind of frightening. Oh, we know it’s just a matter of a few years before you’ll leave anyway. But you can do a lot of damage in that time – you’re already doing it! – and we don’t know if we can take it that long.
The problem is we’re a bit of a mess right now. Who can blame us after all the abuse you’ve put us through? Though in a way, we asked for it. We married you, even if it was a shotgun wedding. And now, We the American People (at least most of us) realize we made a big mistake, and we want a divorce! And yet — here’s the rub – there’s a part of us (almost all of Congress and the mainstream media) that just doesn’t have the guts to do the right thing and tell you and your Dick to get out, to impeach your lying abusive ass and convict you of the high crimes and various misdemeanors we all know you’ve committed and continue to commit every day you remain in our House.
But it’s building, George. Our rage is building. And the thing is, if we don’t figure out a way to get you out of our House in a civil manner, it could get ugly. We could become like that abused wife that Farrah played in Wal-mart movie director Robert Greenwald’s 1980s TV drama, “The Burning Bed.” With no way out of a marriage that is killing her, Farrah sets fire to her abuser’s bed while he’s in it. We’re not trying to use the *abuse excuse,* and we are religious about being nonviolent. But we have to do something, at least pull the plug on your deadly, crony-enriching war. See, our marriage to you is killing us, George. Killing us one American soldier at a time, one American living in poverty at a time, one unfairly incarcerated American at a time. The longer we let you stay in our House, the more of us will die.
So please, follow your predecessor with whom you have so much in common. No, not St. Ronald who, despite the tremendous lasting damage he did to this country, at least had the sense not to attack any place bigger than Grenada. And not your Dad, who at least had a feasible, if not laudable, purpose to his war (restoring power to the Kuwaiti royal family and their friends and relatives). You have more in common with Richard Nixon in presiding over big, sprawling, quagmirish, deeply unpopular wars. Except that Tricky Dick didn’t start his.
As long as we’re talking divorce, we want Child Support — that is, payback and penance for all the poor, unwanted and unloved Problem Children born of our ill-fated marriage. And yes, dammit, we will be stuck with these rotten kids long after you’re gone. Since you don’t believe in birth control, and you certainly don’t believe in self-control when it comes to fulfilling your and your cronies’ desires for power and our hard-earned cash, we have given birth to many children during our six year marriage (some are twins and triplets). Here are just a few:
Problem Child #1: The Mess in Iraq.
Problem Child #2: The Massive Debt
Problem Child #3: The Aggravation of Global Warming
Problem Child #4: The Patriot Acts
Problem Child #5: The War on Sex & Art
Problem Child #6: The Resurgence of Torture
Problem Child #:7 The Katrina Debacle
Problem Child #8: The Bullying of Reason by Religion
Problem Child #9: The Poor Getting Poorer While Your Cronies Get Richer
Problem Child #10: The Fall of America’s Stature in the Eyes of the World
All of these Problem Children of our lousy marriage just go to show: Sometimes abortion (literally and figuratively) is a public service.
But we know you’re all crooks, and we (some of us) were suckers for a patriotic scare-story with a padded crotch, and we really don’t expect a penny of payback from you or your cronies. We just want to cut our losses. This awful marriage has broken our bones, killed too many of us, ruined our reputation, and damaged our future in ways we can’t even imagine. But as the song goes, we will survive! We are the People, after all. And we might be a little slow on the uptake, but at a certain point, we see the light, and that’s it: George, we want a divorce.
Now all we need is a really good attorney…