Maya with Ron de Jeremy Rum, Ron Jeremy, Dr. Susan Block, Aaliyah Corsets, Amor Hilton, Chelsea Demoiselle. The Bonobo Way. Photo: BW

Length 1:55:18:00   Date: Nov. 22, 2014

Wearing 50 Shades of Green and wielding paddles, vibrators, a chinchilla after-care glove and The Bonobo Way (print edition), I open up the Womb Room Chapel of the new Church of Bonoboville @ LAX for a jubilant, squirting, Sybian-riding, happy slappy Spanksgiving holiday show. Sing hallelujah! Give spanks for all!

What a joyous, sex-affirming, holiday-spirited show this is, featuring a rolling roster of guests, from all-American sex icon Ron Jeremy to my darling “daughter” (what’s a holiday without family?) Amor “Baby Block” Hilton to sexy, saucy Aaliyah Corsets and our wonderful, helpful therapists-in-residence Maya Goddess and Chelsea Demoiselle.

Highlights of the live broadcast, now playing on DrSuzy.Tv for your erotic holiday pleasure, include:

Aaliyah Corset’s First Time on the broadcast bed in the new studio, and what a fun time it is. Bisexually inclined and one of our favorite regulars on the show at the old space, Aaliyah was raised by her strict Christian Grandma, and she’s been a good girl for a whole year, studying hard and taking care of business. But tonight she wants to let loose and—between getting spanked, confessing her desire for sex with an MTF transsexual and climaxing on a Pocket Rocket—that’s exactly what she does.

Supporting a Gay Friend in a Devout Christian Community. Our first live call in the new studio comes in from “Amber” reaching out from an undisclosed location somewhere in small-town America. Amber wants to know how she can be more supportive of her fresh-out-of-the-closet gay friend (also religious) who’s now being shunned and scorned by their fellow God-fearing, mostly homophobic church-goers. The answer: Let your friend know you’re there for him and that you believe it’s less likely the good Lord will send him to hell than those Christian hypocrites who condemn him for his open sexual orientation. Try to gently but firmly educate and enlighten your fellow churchgoers about the “Christian” virtues of tolerance, compassion and understanding. Since Amber’s studying to be a veterinarian, I suggest she also help her gay friend to feel more natural by talking with him about the homosexual activities of many animal species, including bonobos for whom bisexuality is key to keeping the peace.

Bonoboville Communion! In this holiday season show, our favorite boob-licking, spirit-imbibing ritual, featuring the spirits of Ron de Jeremy Rum and Dirty Tequila, takes on downright ecclesiastical tones in this heavenly broadcast. Hallelujah! And please pass the margherita salt…

Aaliyah Wants a Tranny. I know, it’s not politically correct to use terms like “tranny” and “shemale,” and I apologize to all who are offended and/or outraged. But after Aaliyah’s transformative experience wearing an InJoyus strapless strap-on dildo, she craves sex with a chick with a dick—a functional dick, mind you, and nice boobs—and “transgendered person” just doesn’t sound slutty enough. Aaliyah also wants to be in the masturbating center of a male circle jerk. Any volunteers?

Bill Cosby Rape Mania. Like everyone who looks at what passes for “news” these days (which does not include Aaliyah), I can’t get the image out of my mind of a leering naked Bill Cosby looming over a helplessly drugged young lady. Certainly, the man (a fellow Philadelphian) should be considered innocent until proven guilty. My heart goes out to him for that reason, as I know personally how hard it is to prove your innocence when you are accused of something evil that you simply did not do. On the other hand, Cosby’s silence speaks “volumes,” as they say, and in the court of public opinion (mine included), he seems guilty. Some mourn the loss of a great role model. I, for one, never liked his goody-goody, family-values-spouting, virtues-of-capitalism-extolling sit-com and Father-Knows-Best lectures to youth and single moms. History shows us that this sort of holier-than-thou, über-wholesome attitude often masks a hypocrite. So why are we so shocked when the mask comes off and we see the ugliness that was seething behind the happy face all along?

Spanking Miss Corsets. Since spanking is one of Aaliyah’s fetishes and she hasn’t been whacked in the year since we last saw her, Maya, Chelsea and I put her over all of our knees and spank-spank-spank her spankable butt until she comes.

Pocket Rocket Explosion! Aaliyah “wins” a fire-engine-red Doc Johnson Pocket Rocket to match her holiday-red lingerie. “Drop Pocket Rockets, Not Patriot Missiles” has long been my stand on foreign policy, and nimble-fingered Maya incorporates that policy as she manipulates the pulsating pleasure missile right up against Aaliyah’s clit, pressing her case until Miss Corsets explodes like a love bomb, our kind of “Shock and Awe.”

Ron Jeremy and Amor Hilton Dramatic Entrance. Just as Aaliyah comes, Ron and Amor enter. What perfect timing, meaning we go into over-time big-time.

Ron Jeremy Makes Chelsea Squirt! Another first! Chelsea is one of the more sexually adventurous hotties of new Bonoboville, not to mention, one of our most popular therapists, but she has never squirted in her life. That all changed in the immediate after-party orgy on the bed as Ron gave her the old rapid fingering technique in between laps of the tongue that turned her into a small geyser, baptizing the rest of us in her Holy Water. Congratulations Sister Chelsea and thank you, Ron Jeremy (that’s why we elected you Mayor of Bonoboville). Chelsea gives Ron a very special thank you by sucking his big kosher schlong with gusto, as he deftly positions her head to make it look even bigger.

Spanking Baby Block. We give Amor a spanking for being late, for having a spankable ass and because it’s Spanksgiving!

Amor Hilton is the Goddess Venus Cannabis. Amor strips down to her beautiful birthday suit and spreads her slim legs to reveal a sweet little hot pink Barbie Doll yoni. After I give it a kiss and a finger, it opens up like a hothouse flower to receive the “pussy pipe” and, one by one, members of the congregation step forward, kneel before her and smoke the sacred weed from her Womb Room. Boom Shiva Shamalai! Boom Shakti Shambalai! All hail the Goddess Venus Cannabis!

Amor Rides the Sybian to a rip-roaring mechanical orgasm with the Irreverend Doctor me on the diabolical CONTROLS.

Jack Nice & Chelsea have sex. Oral segues into doggie-style and before we know it, Jack and Chelsea are going at it like bonobos at a feast.

Ron Jeremy Sleeps: An Andy Warholësque cinematic study of the sleeping habits of the Hedgehog. Note: Through hula-hooping, juggling, a series of hot girls jumping on and around him, and having a dildo stuck in his pants, Ron snores in peaceful and complete oblivion. Then he wakes up and can’t stop talking unless someone stuffs his mouth full of pussy, boob or chips.

Ron Jeremy’s Head. Ron gets a lot of head, but an obsessed fan decided to go a step further and create a latex head of the world’s most famous male porn star. The thing looks like something ISIS would show off on Youtube after one of their notorious beheadings. Amor screams upon seeing it.

The Bonobo Way finds its way into the orgy as well as onto Ron’s sleeping form. While awake, Ron speedreads and dubs it “a phenomenal book. I learned a lot. I’m glad there’s a creature on this Earth hornier and hairier than I am.”